Author Iman Gatti On How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected

An interview with Pirie Jones Grossman

PLAY with them. Spend time doing things that they love to do. Play games, go outside, read together. Children learn through playing. Make art, dance, build forts, cook, bake, craft and create things together. Show your children how to exist in this world in a way that is joyful and freeing. If you didn’t have a great childhood, don’t be afraid to have one now as you raise your own babes. I was not given the childhood I deserved but I am able to have it now with my daughter. She teaches me all of the ways I still deserve to feel connected, valued and loved. Everything that a child needs from you to be connected, can be found through play.

Parenting is challenging. We all try so hard to give our all to our children. We desperately want them to feel loved and connected. But somehow there is often a disconnect. Perhaps it’s a generational thing, or that we don’t seem to speak the same language as our children, or just all of the “disconnection” that our kids are dealing with in today’s frenetic world. What are steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? As a part of our series about “How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected” we had the pleasure to interview Iman Gatti.

Iman Gatti is a certified grief recovery specialist, transformational speaker and bestselling author.

She works with people to help them recover from grief and trauma, elevate their self-esteem, deepen their authenticity and step fully into the greatness they were born for.

Her bestselling memoir Cracked Open — Never Broken tells the story of her childhood and how she refused to become a victim, instead turning trauma into triumph. You can find Iman at http://www.imangatti.com/

Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to get to know a bit about you. Can you tell us your “childhood backstory”?

I was born in Alberta, Canada and my parents are from Tunisia, North Africa. I am the youngest of three and used to be quite a shy and spoiled little thing. My mother stayed home and I got to have lots of one on one time with her. She taught me how to swim, belly dance, write and let me help in the kitchen. I had a fairly beautiful early childhood with two older brothers and a very loving mother and a father who was never home because of work. I thought our life was normal and wonderful. Unfortunately, I was wrong, and just before my 7th birthday, my father murdered my mother in front of me. I would spend the rest of my youth in foster care, suffering all kinds of abuse.

I am so grateful that I had those early years with my mother because they really did set the tone for how I felt about myself. I was abused a lot in foster care and I often think how important it was that I had memories of being truly loved and how that little hope for being treated better one day, never left me.

My time in foster care was miserable. I was malnourished, physically, mentally, sexually and emotionally abused. I was told I was garbage and that I would never amount to anything. I was often told I would turn out just like my father and that I was so desperately stupid.

I hated every minute of my life and it was such a contrast to my birth family.

Can you share the story about what brought you to this specific point in your career?

In many ways, everything that I endured as a child has carved the career path I am on. I think it is fulfilling to give to the world what you needed the most. For me, that means love, self-esteem, support and an accessible path to grief recovery.

Like most people, I was pretty lost after high school, but I had to consider my trauma and how far back that set me in life. I was determined to enjoy my life and accomplish the things that I felt passionate about. In order to do that, I had to first admit I was lacking a lot of skills and emotion regulation. I made it a very important mission to get help, explore my past and how trauma and abuse had affected me. It is a lifelong journey and as I evolve, so does my career.

Most of my twenties were me traveling the globe. Going to therapy and school and trying to figure out why I was here.

I tried several career paths from being a travel agent to managing a coffee shop to working in online media. When I turned thirty, I founded a shoe company and although it brought me success, and I learned a lot about running my own company, I still felt like something was missing and I was meant for more.

A couple of years later, I recognized how much I enjoyed the conversations I was having with my clients, about healing and recovering from grief and I realized how much value I could bring to other people who were on their own journey of self-exploration.

I had always known I would write my memoir, I just never had enough peace, clarity and courage to do so. Once I committed to giving back to the world everything I had found helpful for my own life, things really came together. I became a professional speaker, I obtained several life coaching certifications, I became a certified grief recovery specialist, I finished my memoir and got married and became a mother.

Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the core of our discussion. This is probably intuitive to many, but it would be beneficial to spell it out. Based on your experience or research, can you explain to us why it is so important to forge a strong connection with our children?

Connection is one of the most vital desires and needs of every human being. We need connection in order to survive and evolve and this starts when we are born. Human babies are completely dependent on the people around them to survive. It is in our DNA and our lives depend on it.

The ability to form strong connections is largely dependent on a how that person was treated in their most impactive and formative years.

The most formative years for a child are between 0–8 years old. This is when the brain and neurobiological development are the fastest. Everything that happens in this time period can affect a child’s physical, mental and emotional development.

Brain health begins even before conception, depending on how healthy the birth parent is and what the conditions are like for a growing fetus. We are all aware that disease, substance abuse, mental health and stress, directly affect pregnancy. These risks are still there, once a child is born, as their brain development is still very sensitive to their environments and we need to make it a priority to foster households that put the health of children of utmost importance.

Unfortunately, trauma and dysfunction are passed down, generationally, so the amount of connection you receive as a child is dependent on how much your guardians or parents received in their lives and whether they did any healing work to correct any deficiencies in their own upbringing and programming.

Many people who have children, have a lot of their own emotional issues and limitations for connection so it is a vicious cycle of not knowing how to connect and then not being able to teach your children how to feel connected.

Children are the most oppressed people on the planet and also the most capable of changing the trajectory of the next generation. We hear the expression, “children are the future” a lot, but I am not sure enough people stop to think, how each of us impact and directly affect children.

Children are definitely, the future, but whether that future is peaceful or not, is going to depend on how those children were treated in their most formative years.

Forging strong connections with our children, in my opinion, should be the driving force of what every parent is motivated by.

Children come to earth, these incredibly, capable, gifted, loving and deeply impressionable beings. They look up and around to all of the people they are surrounded with on how to think, believe, behave and feel. Our guardians are like Gods to us, when we are children, and our survival depends on how we can connect and appease them.

If you have guardians that are teaching you to love and appreciate yourself and the world around you, then you will. If you are shown that you matter, that your needs will be met, that you only need worry about childlike issues, then your nervous system is consistently regulated, you are eating and sleeping well. You are forming strong opinions about how valuable you are because you are being respected and cared for. These are all wonderful ways that children get messages that they are important, powerful and loved. Children given safety, love and opportunity to develop at a healthy pace, will see the world as safer, more welcoming and will therefor participate in that world, in a way that reflects their own internal safety and confidence.

What happens when children do not have that connection, or only have a weak connection?

Now, if you have a child who doesn’t get those same things, then they will have very different beliefs about the world.

That disconnect to themselves and therefor to feelings of safety and love, can manifest in all kinds of negative ways.

Some people become very insecure and unsure of themselves and have difficulty identifying dreams and ambitions because they don’t have the practice trying things because they weren’t encouraged to. One of the jobs of a parent is to teach the child how to live without you. That includes showing them who they already are and fostering an environment where it is safe to experiment, fail, make mistakes and correct themselves. If you never get a chance to explore yourself, how will you know yourself and then subsequently apply yourself to anything?

Something else, I see in adults who were disconnected children, is an inability to dream or contemplate the steps to accomplishing a goal. Because the natural order of things is that children feel safe and have their needs met, when this is not the case, it creates insecure children who are forced to be hyper-independent and worry about every possible outcome that could negatively impact them. This distracts and detracts from ones ability, need and desire to dream and hope because they are focused on survival.

If your very basic needs are not satiated, it can feel frivolous to look at achievements that do not directly impact the here and now of getting by.

Many people who have trouble regulating their emotions and feeling connected, struggle with making emotional connections as adults, which can result in substance abuse, outbursts, isolation, poor mental health and difficulty managing basic everyday tasks.

The core message, to a child, when they don’t have a strong connection to a parent is, “you are not safe”. This sets a child up for failure because, that connection is at the forefront on them being secure in themselves. Our parents are a reflection of how we see ourselves. If the people that are supposed to love you the most and provide for you the emotional, physical and mental safety, are not capable of doing so, the child often interprets that as a reflection of their own internal lack. Of course, that is not true, but that is, often how it is translated to a child.

Do you think children in this generation are less likely to feel loved and connected? Why do you feel the way you do?

Actually, I think we are currently raising more loved and connected children. I think that the more we eradicate the stigma of mental health and provide more resources for parents to heal, we are better positioned to raise children who have their needs met.

I see more people doing the work to reflect on their own upbringings and how their trauma has impacted them. I also see a lot more people looking to practice a more respectful approach to parenting.

Social media is also allowing for lots of free resources and opportunities for connection, for parents and kids, that we have not seen in the past.

We live in a world with incessant demands for our time and attention. There is so much distraction and disconnection. Can you share with our readers 5 steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? Please include examples or stories for each, if you can.

Here is the link to my video answering this question: https://youtu.be/6ulHXAXD8OE

1. Give them your undivided attention as often as possible but at the very least: first thing in the morning, right after school/work and right before they fall asleep. If you spend at least 15 minutes at each of these moments in a child’s day, you can create a very good connection.
   - Something I love to do is shift the energy to better support the time of day. So, in the morning it is a bit sleepy and slow going. Maybe we cuddle in bed or on the couch and talk about our dreams from the night before. I also like to get excited about the day ahead. I will say things like, “Baby, isn’t it amazing that we have not lived today, yet? I wonder what magic this days holds?” In the afternoon, when I pick her up from school, I always try to do some kind of silly energy shift like a dance party, wrestling or tag or something that allows a discharge of the days energy. Kids spend all day being told, what to wear, eat and do. It is nice to shift into that relaxed space of being safe to be yourself at home.
   -Bedtime is a great time to reflect on the day. I will ask my daughter whom she felt was the most kind to her that day, whom she was the most kind to and whom she wishes she could have been more kind to. We will go through a list of all the people in our lives that make it extra special, anyone we want to send some love to and think about if there is anyone we want to reach out to and spend more time with. I also, use this time as a great opportunity to apologize if I lost my temper or if the day didn’t go as planned. I want her to get into the habit of gratitude, reflection and resolution.
2. Go to therapy, take a parenting class, read books on how children learn and aim to grow just even 1% better as a parent.
   -Share your learning journey with your kids too. We have a “calm down” binder in our house that has a bunch of feelings with pictures, some activities such as stretches and counting, that help when we have lost our cool and need a few minutes to recalibrate. I often vocalize what I am feeling to show through example how to regulate my feelings. I will say something like, “Oh boy, I am getting so frustrated right now, I can feel my face getting hot and I just feel like screaming. I think I will go scream into a pillow or get some fresh air so I don’t take it out on anyone.” It is amazing how quickly kids will pick this up and start noticing their own moods and how to take action in a healthy way.
3. Remove the idea of hitting, isolation and screaming as helpful or necessary, in raising healthy children, because they are not and are extremely damaging. Instead, add more kindness, love and physical affection.
   - Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand why hitting seems like it works. Violence is definitely an effective method in changing someone’s behaviour. But the cost of that change is too dire. Teaching a child that obedience is more valuable than their safety is not only abusive, but it’s also simply not true. You, as the parent, are teaching that child how to feel about themselves, don’t give them the message that they deserve violence in any form. You are the adult, you go and learn how to lead powerfully with respect. If you cannot lead a person without hitting them, you cannot lead a person, period. Same thing for isolation. It is easy to remove a child and put them in their room so you don’t have to deal with them, but what are you teaching them? I don’t want my child to feel like she is only enjoyable to have in my life, when she is pleasant and agreeable. That is how we raise people pleasing followers. I want her to know she is welcome around me in every and any emotion she feels. If she chooses to have time alone, I respect that, but I will not tell her to go away when she is mad, sad or behaving in a way that is not pleasant. I want her to feel safe around me in every state she finds herself in. The truth is, the brattier the behaviour, the deeper the need for connection and love. Try it and see what I mean.
4. Listen to your children when they talk. Get down to eye level and truly listen to what they are saying. Do your very best to respect them and hear their perspectives.
   - Try to show your kids that what they feel is very important. Even if you don’t agree with it and it challenges your own feelings. A lot of us (myself included), were treated as a threat to our guardians and every time we were seen as rude or disrespectful, our parents took that personally. I try so hard not to do this. I have to remind myself that my kid is just learning and testing the waters. I am the one who is in charge and I cannot allow a power struggle to ensue because there really isn’t one. I am the one who makes all the decisions and has all of the responsibility. If she is having big feelings, that is not a reflection of her judgment in me, that is just her being a kid. We must remember that these feelings of needing to bulldoze a child, come from our own trauma. What is it you are actually interpreting when your child challenges you? Chances are, it is something you felt as a kid who didn’t have their own needs met.
5. PLAY with them. Spend time doing things that they love to do. Play games, go outside, read together. Children learn through playing. Make art, dance, build forts, cook, bake, craft and create things together. Show your children how to exist in this world in a way that is joyful and freeing. If you didn’t have a great childhood, don’t be afraid to have one now as you raise your own babes. I was not given the childhood I deserved but I am able to have it now with my daughter. She teaches me all of the ways I still deserve to feel connected, valued and loved. Everything that a child needs from you to be connected, can be found through play.

How do you define a “good parent”? Can you give an example or story?

Someone who treats their children with respect, loves and protects them fiercely and meets their needs as deeply as they are capable.

How do you inspire your child to “dream big”? Can you give an example or story?

I try and show my daughter, that everything she imagines is possible to some extent. If she admires a character on a show, we will talk about acting and modeling and producing television and movies. I will tell her about each important job from the camera person to the caterer.

I am always looking to give her the chance to imagine herself in everything she sees. We have elaborate dress up and dance parties. We will create the scenes and talk about backstories and consider different perspectives.

I like to write and illustrate children’s books just for her. I will consult her on the ideas and what the pictures should be like. I want her to understand how powerful she is and that her imagination is vital and very important to her and the world she lives in.

When I was a kid, I didn’t think that I was smart or talented enough to do great things. As a parent, I want my daughter to prove to herself that she can bring her own imaginings to life.

I am always trying to pay attention to what she finds fun or interesting and then we read about it, create it and talk about how we can access it in our own lives.

How would you define “success” when it comes to raising children?

I feel as though you will be successful, in raising children, if you focus on these areas:

• Heal yourself continuously.
• Show them how important they are to you.
• Spend as much time as you can, connecting with them.
• Love them without condition or expectation.
• Get to know them.
• Teach them how to think, not what to think.
• Believe them when they tell you who they are.
• Accept them for who they are.
• Respect their autonomy.
• Teach them everything you know.
• Teach them how to live without you.

This is a huge topic in itself, but it would be worthwhile to touch upon it here. What are some ideal social media and digital habits that you think parents should teach to their children?

This one is such a new concept in the world that I think so many of us are trying to navigate this as we grow with our kids. My daughter is only five years old, and already knows what “YouTube” is which kind of freaks me out at times. I am not super restrictive on screen time, sometimes it’s a saving grace when a distraction would make life a little smoother, and other times, I am mindful that we don’t use screens at all.

For me, the discipline is that I put my phone down more often and that I don’t get swept up in checking emails or updates while I am with my daughter. I work for myself and I am a writer, so sometimes, I cannot avoid my phone and it gives me the freedom and flexibility to spend time with her, and other times I just know I am getting sucked into scrolling because I need a mental break.

I think life is all around better for adults and children, when we have intentional low stimulus days. It is amazing how many of us are overstimulated because of the constant influx of information at every turn.

I aim to get outside more and have more afternoons spent reading.

What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a better parent? Can you explain why you like them?

TikTok: Marcela Collier @highimpactclub — I love Marcela and her approach to parenting. She shows you how to be respectful and have boundaries and consequences, without abuse. She shares a lot of how she was raised and why she has chosen to break the cycle of physical discipline for her own family.

Jes Martini and her podcast, “2 Moms 0 Attention Span” is awesome. Jes has such am approachable way to teach respectful parenting. She was raised with gentle parenting and is proof that creating, strong and healthy connections with children, doesn’t include violence or harsh punishments. She is also a wonderful advocate for neurodivergence in children and parents. I always learn something from Jes.

The book, “How We Learn” by Benedict Carey, is enlightening and fun book that will teach you about how our brains learn and how to use your brain more effectively.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

Here is a quote that I often tell my daughter, that I wished I was told as a child, so that I would have taken more chances on doing the things I love:

“When you make art, you have to be kind to yourself, because everything you make is a part of you and every part of you deserves love.”

I think this helps me soften and be kinder to myself so that I am more honest when I write and paint. I think every child needs more art expression in their lives because it deepens our connections to ourselves.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

I would inspire a movement where every parent went to therapy and learned how to recovery from grief and parent children with love and kindness.

Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!

About The Interviewer: Pirie is a TedX speaker, author and a Life Empowerment Coach. She is a co-host of Own your Throne podcast, inspiring women in the 2nd chapter of their lives. With over 20 years in front of the camera, Pirie Grossman understands the power of storytelling. After success in commercials and acting. She spent 10 years reporting for E! Entertainment Television, Entertainment Tonight, also hosted ABC’s “Every Woman”. Her work off-camera capitalizes on her strength, producing, bringing people together for unique experiences. She produced a Children’s Day of Compassion during the Dalai Lama’s visit here in 2005. 10,000 children attended, sharing ideas about compassion with His Holiness. From 2006–2009, Pirie Co-chaired the Special Olympics World Winter Games, in Idaho, welcoming 3,000 athletes from over 150 countries. She founded Destiny Productions to create Wellness Festivals and is an Advisory Board member of the Sun Valley Wellness Board.In February 2017, Pirie produced, “Love is Louder”, a Brain Health Summit, bringing in Kevin Hines, noted suicide survivor to Sun Valley who spoke to school kids about suicide. Sun Valley is in the top 5% highest suicide rate per capita in the Northwest, prompting a community initiative with St. Luke’s and other stake holders, to begin healing. She lives in Sun Valley with her two children, serves on the Board of Community School. She has her Master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica and is an Executive Life Empowerment Coach, where she helps people meet their dreams and goals! The difference between a dream and a goal is that a goal is a dream with a date on it!