Author Jennifer Cramer-Miller On 5 Things You Need To Heal After A Dramatic Loss Or Life Change

An Interview With Jake Frankel

Hope. Use hope as your engine to drive you forward. Hope is the acceptance of positive possibilities.

The world seems to be reeling from one crisis to another. We’ve experienced a global pandemic, economic uncertainty, political and social turmoil. Then there are personal traumas that people are dealing with, such as the loss of a loved one, health issues, unemployment, divorce or the loss of a job.

Coping with change can be traumatic as it often affects every part of our lives.

How do you deal with loss or change in your life? What coping strategies can you use? Do you ignore them and just push through, or do you use specific techniques?

In this series called “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change” we are interviewing successful people who were able to heal after a difficult life change such as the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or other personal hardships. We are also talking to Wellness experts, Therapists, and Mental Health Professionals who can share lessons from their experience and research.

As a part of this interview series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Jennifer Cramer-Miller. Jennifer is a multiple award-winning author, speaker, wellness mentor, and gratitude advocate. Jennifer’s new memoir, Incurable Optimist: Living with Illness and Chronic Hope received a starred review from Publishers Weekly, an International Impact Award in Family + Medical, and a Book Excellence Award in the Family Category. Jennifer proudly serves as the 2023–2026 Board Chair for the Minnesota National Kidney Foundation (NKF), an NKF PEER Mentor, and a Donate Life ambassador. As a four-time kidney transplant recipient and patient advocate, she helps others manage uncertainty, move forward with hope, and find some joy. Her sudden diagnosis and transition to a life of joy, purpose and impact can offer readers profound insight on how to heal after a dramatic life-change.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?

I’d be happy to. My childhood seemed picture perfect, filled with youthful things. I loved dolls, played T-ball (I was the pitcher — which is more like a pretend skill, you don’t even have to pitch), ice-skated in the winter, made crafts with my Bluebird troop, made up elaborate stories, dashed around on my bike and skateboard, and sent Ping-Pong balls flying around the basement with my brother. I grew up in a low-drama household, and there was a lot of “normalness.”

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

I mentioned the “normalness” of my childhood because after college, things veered off the expected path. More on that to come, but this quote from Joseph Campbell has guided me through a lot of uncharted territory. “We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept one that is waiting for us.”

You have been blessed with much success. In your opinion, what are the top three qualities that you possess that have helped you accomplish so much? If you can, please share a story or example for each.

1. Optimism. Since the title of my new book is Incurable Optimist, you might expect I’d start with optimism! Optimism amplifies my hope and confidence that I can move forward despite challenges.

2. Tenacity. I plow through to achieve my goals. Giving up is not an option.

3. Being a people person. In 1938, scientists began a now-famous study, the Harvard Study of Adult Development, to uncover clues to health and happiness. Initially, many participants claimed they desired future money or fame to achieve happiness. But over time, guess what emerged as the most important measure of happiness from the participants? Close relationships. This study reveals steady relationships have tremendous power to improve our lives. And I agree. I couldn’t get through any of the things I do without my people.

Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘Healing after Loss’. Do you feel comfortable sharing with our readers about your dramatic loss or life change?

Of course! I shared my story in my memoir, Incurable Optimist, and I’m happy to share it with you. At 22, I had sudden kidney failure as the result of an autoimmune, progressive kidney disease. It was devastating. I started dialysis and waited for a kidney transplant and felt ripped from my rightful place in the world. One day, I had a budding public relations career and independence, the next, I soaked a hospital pillow with tears and processed the word “incurable.”

I waited for my transplant (like a patient patient) and imagined that surgery would fix me. Then, I’d just pick up where I left off and reclaim my life. But my autoimmune disease recurred in my new kidney after three days. That was a tremendous blow. What would become of me now? How would I lead a meaningful life?

Fast forward three decades. I’ve been on dialysis three times and had four kidney transplants. People gasp when I say that, so I’m quick to add this is not a poor me story! It’s a lucky me story. I’ve embraced Joseph Campbell’s words and moved forward to accept my life. Sure, there have been hardships along the way, but this is a family love story of hope. I wrote Incurable Optimist: Living with Illness and Chronic Hope to encourage others to garner resilience in unexpected circumstances.

We all live with uncertainty. But if we power ahead with hope, we can find joy.

What was the scariest part of that event? What did you think was the worst thing that could happen to you?

It’s a hard to face your mortality in your twenties. We have this imaginary contract with life, and morality isn’t supposed to come into play until we’ve lived a long life, right? Everything turned upside down.

How did you react in the short term?

I wanted to hide in a hole until I could emerge as me again. Really. I just wanted to disappear and thought modern medicine would make me better. So, I planned to hunker down until that happened. I didn’t realize I might never return to that version of myself again.

After the dust settled, what coping mechanisms did you use?

I employed my optimism to propel me forward. I also found humor to be restorative. There was one day I remember. I was 22, my aching legs propped up on the seat in front of me at a movie theater. I sat with my mom and brother and the movie was funny. And I was laughing. My laughter struck me — I thought to myself, sure, my kidneys have failed, but I can laugh. No matter what happens, you can’t take that away from me.

From here I just compiled all the things I could still appreciate despite the hardships. And this technique keeps me on the positive path. I believe even on lousy days, there’s always one lovely thing. So, that’s what I do. I seek (at least) one lovely thing a day.

I’m also a big fan of journaling to process my thoughts. Since my book was published, people have reached out and asked me to share my tools of optimism. That’s how my One Lovely Thing journal came to be. I’m so excited about it — it’s in production now.

Can you share with us how you were eventually able to heal and “let go” of the negative aspects of that event?

Sure. At first, I felt pelted by the disbelief that this was happening to me. I was so young. But since then, I’ve learned life happens to all of us. It doesn’t discriminate. So now I feel a sense of connection and empathy with everyone’s ups and downs as we navigate being a human. I’ve learned that life is chock full of beauty and bummers, and I’m here to appreciate all of it.

In my own grief journey, I found writing to be cathartic. Did you engage in any writing during that time, such as journaling, poetry, or writing letters? If yes, we’d love to hear about any stories or examples.

Yes! In a big way. All my journals and letters were cathartic for me as well, and so helpful as I moved through different stages and could process what was happening. And then I wrote my memoir, Incurable Optimist, and I can’t tell you how amazing it feels to employ my story to encourage and connect with others.

Aside from letting go, what did you do to create an internal, emotional shift to feel better?

I put optimism and hope into action and focused on what I had, not what I had lost. I focused on my lucky list. For example, I’m lucky to have such a wonderful family. I’m lucky to have had that no-drama childhood I mentioned. I’m lucky to laugh, appreciate a blue sky, enjoy a witty husband, and a delightful daughter. I can appreciate a robust cup of coffee and ripe pineapple and a winning shade of lip color. Joy is always available, and I’ve learned to internalize that.

Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to cope and heal? Can you share a story about that?

There are so many! But my mom most definitely ushered me through the worst of medical chaos with her effervescent humor. She has a way of lifting me up to “find the funny” in the least funny places. We chuckled our way through many a doctor appointment and hospital visit.

Were you able to eventually reframe the consequences and turn it into a positive situation? Can you explain how you did that?

Absolutely. This is one of my superpowers. I think the power of perspective is life-changing, and our losses sharpen our appreciation for lovely things. I’ve studied the work of Martin Seligman, a renowned University of Pennsylvania professor who is the father of positive psychology. There are factors that contribute to happiness, and one of my favorite tools is service. By sharing my story of hope and encouraging others who face chronic illness and unforeseen challenges, my work provides me with a sense of purpose. It’s very gratifying to move forward and give back.

What did you learn about yourself from this very difficult experience? Can you please explain with a story or example?

Well, my arduous health journey put my optimism to the test. And I passed. As Glennon Doyle says, “We can do hard things.” I’ve learned that yes, I can manage uncertainty and keep going. Keep going. Keep going. An example? Well, writing my book, getting it published, going on tour, speaking and podcasting and doing interviews like this one — they all exemplify the same tools I used to muddle through with chronic hope. Don’t give up. Hold on to hope. And most definitely, find joy in the journey.

Fantastic. Here is the main question of our interview. Based on your experiences and knowledge, what advice would you give others to help them get through a difficult life challenge? What are your “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change? Please share a story or example for each.

1. Don’t borrow trouble. Here’s what I mean by that. Sometimes, we think of horrible things that might happen and we spiral. But if you pull back, that horrible thing might not happen! Don’t play a disaster movie in your mind, that’s just borrowing trouble. Watch a better show!

2. Hope. Use hope as your engine to drive you forward. Hope is the acceptance of positive possibilities.

3. Humor. There’s no better way to take a mini vacation from hardship than humor.

4. Focus on one lovely thing. I believe on any day (even a lousy one) there is always one lovely thing. Find it.

5. Remember that life is a mix of beauty and bummers. As long as you are alive, appreciate all of it.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?

That’s easy. I think we’d live in a better world if we all shared one lovely thing each day with each other. Collectively, let’s shift the focus. That’s why I like to use #onelovelything on Instagram, and why I created my One Lovely Thing Journal.

We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them.

I’d love to have a soulful conversation with the acclaimed author Suleika Jaouad. I wholeheartedly relate to what she’s been through, admire her writing, and am inspired by how she’s transformed her pain into purpose.

How can our readers further follow your work online?

Please visit my website at JenniferCramerMiller.com! You’ll find essays, events, previous interviews, a newsletter sign-up, social links, and links to my book, Incurable Optimist. And stay tuned for my One Lovely Thing journal. I’m excited to offer this as a companion to my readers and to all devoted notebook and journal aficionados soon!

Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!