Author Tamika Christy On 5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change
An Interview With Jake Frankel
Be honest with yourself. Don’t be afraid or ashamed of your feelings. Allow yourself to move through your process with honesty. Your feelings will fluctuate, but be honest about what you feel and why you feel it, and give yourself permission to be okay with it. I was honest with myself about my anger and frustration at losing my daughter. Initially, I felt guilty, but my feelings are mine, and they are valid, and it’s better to deal with them than pretend they are not there.
The world seems to be reeling from one crisis to another. We’ve experienced a global pandemic, economic uncertainty, political and social turmoil. Then there are personal traumas that people are dealing with, such as the loss of a loved one, health issues, unemployment, divorce or the loss of a job.
Coping with change can be traumatic as it often affects every part of our lives.
How do you deal with loss or change in your life? What coping strategies can you use? Do you ignore them and just push through, or do you use specific techniques?
In this series called “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change” we are interviewing successful people who were able to heal after a difficult life change such as the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or other personal hardships. We are also talking to Wellness experts, Therapists, and Mental Health Professionals who can share lessons from their experience and research.
As a part of this interview series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Tamika Christy.
Tamika Christy is a mom, celebrated writer, and Bay Area native who wrote her debut novel, “Anytime Soon,” over a decade ago. Tamika enjoyed a full-time career in governmental affairs until significant life changes prompted her to reevaluate her passions. Now, she dedicates herself to creating stories that guide others through life’s challenges with grace and understanding.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
I grew up in Oakland, California, with my dad, a hardworking man from the South with firm beliefs about gender roles, religion, and integrity. My dad was a strong disciplinarian with high standards, which often left me feeling like I wasn’t good enough. As a single father in the 1970s, without any nearby relatives, we moved a lot, and I attended nine different schools from kindergarten through my senior year of high school. Despite our frequent moves, we attended church regularly, and the religious dogma of the Pentecostal Church, coupled with my father’s stringent expectations, caused me to withdraw and further eroded my already fragile self-esteem. As a result, I was a quiet, compliant child, opting to be invisible over the risk of causing upset.
Some of my compliance was out of a deep respect for authority and rules, but mostly, it was rooted in fear — fear instilled by my father and the terrifying prospect of eternal damnation. My love for reading provided a temporary escape from reality, and when I received a journal one Christmas, writing became my sanctuary. Through journaling, I found solace in solitude and confidence I didn’t have in real life. My entries ranged from simple reflections to elaborate narratives that read more like movie scripts than recitations of my day.
Journaling carried me through middle and high school, and in college, it felt natural to major in English with a focus on Creative Writing. My natural progression was to major in English with a Creative Writing option. Through my studies, I channeled my passion for storytelling into a disciplined craft that still guides me through my struggle with self-acceptance and finding my voice.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“When you’ve done all you can, you just stand.” This is a lyric from a gospel song, but it resonates with me. I’ve experienced so much grief and loss that sometimes I can’t believe it. I lost my father and my daughter within a year of each other, and there were many nights when I’d go to bed thinking I wouldn’t wake up the next day because the pain was so intense. But you know what? I woke up the next day, the next day, and the next. I realized that while some things are out of my control, and even when all I can do is lay in bed and open my eyes, each day is a new opportunity to feel better, heal, grow, and learn. Grief is a lifelong journey. Sometimes, I feel like I can make it, and some days, I wonder how I’m still here. But even on my worst days, when I can’t do anything else, I just stand.
You have been blessed with much success. In your opinion, what are the top three qualities that you possess that have helped you accomplish so much? If you can, please share a story or example for each.
The three things that have helped me achieve all I have are my faith, resilience, and ambition. There have been so many moments in my life when I feel defeated, but my faith sustains my mental health and propels me to stay the course and move forward, no matter how difficult things become.
Earlier, I mentioned the amount of loss I have endured — parents, grandparents, stepmom, daughter, and the list goes on. I honestly don’t know if I would have made it if I didn’t believe in a power higher than myself. If I didn’t think that the things that happened were out of my control, I wouldn’t be here today. My faith sustains me when I’m afraid and strong when things feel overwhelming.
Being resilient has also helped me on my life journey. I hang in there, get up each day to try again, and never give up. I focus on who I have left in my life and the legacy I want to leave for them. Resilience helps me understand that it is not just about me; if I am not okay, my loved ones won’t be okay either.
Finally, I’ve always been ambitious. Even as a kid, I tried to read more books each month than the previous month. It’s been a constant pattern for me. I create and tackle goals, try to improve, and learn more when possible. My goal is to be a little better each day.
Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘Healing after Loss’. Do you feel comfortable sharing with our readers about your dramatic loss or life change?
Yes, my oldest daughter began to struggle with her mental health shortly after graduating from college. It was a long journey, but she ultimately succumbed to her mental illness in 2021. One year before that, I lost my father to cancer.
What was the scariest part of that event? What did you think was the worst thing that could happen to you?
The scariest part for me was (and sometimes still is) thinking about the final minutes of her life. Losing her was the ultimate tragedy.
How did you react in the short term?
Paralyzed and numb, I resigned from my job and withdrew from all professional and social commitments. For two years, my world shrank to the confines of my home, and my interactions were limited to very few. My appetite vanished, I couldn’t sleep, and the passions that once fueled me died. I became consumed with trying to understand what I could have done differently and thoughts of where I went wrong.
After the dust settled, what coping mechanisms did you use?
The dust hasn’t settled. I don’t think it ever will, but I coped through weekly therapy sessions, faith, and family and by putting one foot in front of the other each day.
Can you share with us how you were eventually able to heal and “let go” of the negative aspects of that event?
I haven’t let go, but I have released some of the guilt associated with my daughter’s illness. I stopped blaming myself and engaging in endless “woulda coulda” rounds. I don’t know that I will ever find peace or make sense of what happened to a beautiful, vibrant, spiritual, inspiring, intelligent young woman who came to me one day and said, “Mommy, I don’t think my medication is working anymore.”
In my own grief journey, I found writing to be cathartic. Did you engage in any writing during that time, such as journaling, poetry, or writing letters? If yes, we’d love to hear about any stories or examples.
I also find writing to be cathartic. I started journaling as a child and continue journaling now. It helps when I don’t or can’t express myself verbally, and it allows me to be vulnerable and open in ways I can’t do beyond the pages of my journal. My therapist also encouraged me to write letters to specific people. Writing letters wasn’t something I’d ever tried, but I wrote a letter to my late daughter telling her how I felt about her absence. Some parts of the letter were loving and emotional, and others where I felt angry. It was hard to do, but through the exercise, I learned to be okay with the different emotions I felt toward my daughter, myself, and the mental health system. I used to feel guilty for being angry, but now I realize it is a part of my healing journey because expressing my emotions is okay.
I am currently working on book number four.
Aside from letting go, what did you do to create an internal, emotional shift to feel better?
Honestly, there was nothing I could do. No amount of therapy, reteats or experiences helped me shift emotionally. With time, interactions became easier, social gatherings palbable and the thought of facing another day wasn’t so agonizing. I cope, I grieve and I rest when I need to, but I don’t think I will ever feel better.
Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to cope and heal? Can you share a story about that?
During my grief journey, I met an incredible person who reminded me that grief is a process not meant to navigate alone and that it is OK to not be OK. Our shared experience of grief due to suicide, caused us to immediately bonded. I mentioned not wanting to experience the pain of losing my daughter, and I tried to sleep my pain away. Because we began to interact daily, she recognized that something was wrong, and called me out about the behavior. She was right. I was taking sleeping pills, often in excess. She reminded me, nonjudgmentally, that I still have a beautiful daughter who needs me and that I don’t have to do anything except take one day at a time and, if necessary, one minute at a time. Each day, she’d tell me the world was a better place because I was in it and that she was glad I was still here. It saved my life. That is one of the reasons I always recommend a grief buddy.
Were you able to eventually reframe the consequences and turn it into a positive situation? Can you explain how you did that?
I found a renewed purpose in life. Before losing my dad and daughter, my priorities were different. I wanted to provide and protect. I worked hard to elevate my career and associate with others like me. Loss shifted my perspective because I realized how short life can be. My passion shifted from wanting to elevate professionally to living a purpose-filled life. What would I leave behind if I left this earth today? What mattered? What would my children and grandchildren learn about me when I’m no longer here?
Now, I am more selective of how and with whom I spend my time. My focus has shifted from professional and monetary growth to legacy, healing, and peace. After my daughter passed away, I left my career. Two years later, when I could get out and face work responsibility, I didn’t return to my former professional path. Instead, I considered who I was and what I wanted in life. For years, I’ve always said that if money didn’t matter or when I retired–whichever came first, I’d teach kids how to write. The first job I applied for and accepted was that of a first-grade teacher. While teaching is easily one of the most challenging jobs I’ve ever had, it also gives me the greatest pleasure. I am exhausted but satisfied when I lock my classroom at the end of the day. If nothing else I do matters, my effort will make a difference in the lives of twenty-two six-year-olds. And to me, that is priceless.
I’ve always been strong. I can’t remember if I gave myself that title or earned it from somewhere. I’ve survived a lot with few external scars. Despite my multitude of tragedies, loss, and grief, I remain motivated, faith-filled, sober, and can still love people around me. But this experience taught me that I’m not as strong as I thought and that it is okay.
I’ve worked since I was sixteen and have always contributed to my community. I didn’t have much downtime and relished in my professional ambitions and community service. My calendar used to be booked months out at a time. Sitting home for two years with no career or career prospects is something I would have never done before the tragedy. But I learned it is okay to slow down and care for yourself however necessary. I took the time I needed to get through the experience, to begin to heal, and to process the tragedy that my family and I endured.
I will never allow myself to hop in the rat race of life, racing from one meeting or event to the other, neglecting self-care and self-reflection time, and putting other things and people before my mental and spiritual health.
I’ve learned to stop and breathe when I need to.
Based on your experiences and knowledge, what advice would you give others to help them get through a difficult life challenge? What are your “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change?
Time. Give yourself time to process and grieve. Loss changes your outlook on everything. Don’t rush yourself, and don’t allow anyone to tell you how to heal; find your way in your time. I stayed home for two years before I tried to move forward in my grief.
Be honest with yourself. Don’t be afraid or ashamed of your feelings. Allow yourself to move through your process with honesty. Your feelings will fluctuate, but be honest about what you feel and why you feel it, and give yourself permission to be okay with it. I was honest with myself about my anger and frustration at losing my daughter. Initially, I felt guilty, but my feelings are mine, and they are valid, and it’s better to deal with them than pretend they are not there.
Get a grief buddy. Grieving can be isolating and emotional. Sometimes, confiding in a stranger is easier than confiding in someone you know. Join grief groups or meetups so you have someone to chat with about your loss. I met an incredible person who helped me through the most challenging time of my life. We are forever friends, and I wouldn’t have made it without that support.
Focus on now. Try not to relive the past or move too quickly into what’s next. Focus on your well-being at the moment and allow yourself to process your journey and pain before you move to the next plan. I didn’t spend time thinking about what life would be like to re-emerge or reengage in things that used to interest me. Instead, I allowed myself the time to get to where I needed to be.
Get therapy. You will need a professional to help you navigate the emotional and psychological effects of significant loss. I attended therapy weekly. Sometimes, I need an emergency session to help me through, and I don’t regret taking care of my mental health. We must prioritize our mental health as much as our physical and financial health.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?
As a writer, I believe there is no more powerful tool for growth, healing, and connection than through writing. This movement would foster insightful thinking, accountability, and healing by promoting the catharticism of journaling and storytelling. It will aim to create a space where people can confront grief and challenges while inspiring others. Sharing our stories makes us more vulnerable, and it is in vulnerability that we find stronger connections, fostering respect and empathy for the sometimes challenging journeys of others. By promoting this empathy and respect, there is the potential to inspire societal change.
We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them. :-)
That’s hard. There are a lot of interesting people, but if I had to select one person to have lunch or breakfast with, I’d choose Shonda Rhimes. She’s an incredible storyteller!
How can our readers further follow your work online?
My website is www.tamikachristy.com.
IG and YouTube @ourwritesmatter
Facebook @TamikaLChristy
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
