Authors Jim & Jessica Braz On The Book That Changed Their Life

An Interview With Sara Connell

Never stop learning. The world is filled with better ways to do things. Keep looking for those ways. Keep asking questions. Put the social media down for a while each day and dedicate some time to learning something new.

Books have the power to shape, influence, and change our lives. Why is that so? What goes into a book that can shape lives? To address this, we are interviewing people who can share a story about a book that changed their life and why. As a part of our series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Jim and Jessica Braz.

Years before Jim and Jessica Braz were a couple, they each had a child born out of wedlock with people they did not want to marry. They recently wrote Baby Out of Wedlock: Co-Parenting Basics From Pregnancy to Custody and founded the website BabyOutofWedlock.com to answer basic but common questions about unmarried parenting, thereby reducing legal bills and leading to healthier co-parenting relationships.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to get to know you a bit more. Can you tell us a bit about your “backstory” and how you grew up?

Well, we met in high school and actually had a very brief kiss at a party back then. But life took us in different directions, and we lost touch for over a decade after high school.

By chance, we both became unmarried parents within six months of each other in 2009, and through Facebook, we reconnected and started comparing notes on our respective custody battles. It was great to get each other’s perspectives on the issues. To talk to someone who could genuinely relate to the struggles and frustration of a custody battle meant the world. And, it was helpful to hear the opposing perspective from someone other than our co-parent.

We stayed in contact for a few years as friends, and when our kids were about four years old, we started dating and then married a few years later. In 2017 we had our first child together, and our second son was just born this spring! So, our blended family now includes four children total, two from our marriage one from each of our previous relationships.

Let’s talk about what you are doing now, and how you achieved the success that you currently enjoy. Can you tell our readers a bit about the work you are doing?

It was about twelve years ago now that we were involved in surprise pregnancies with people we did not want to marry. We had no experience with parenting or family law, and we both made many mistakes that cost tens of thousands in legal fees and unbearable stress.

It wasn’t easy to find answers to basic questions, such as when overnight visits should begin away from mom or how child support was calculated. Small misunderstandings with our co-parents led to minor arguments, which compounded and spiraled into full-blow custody battles.

Eventually we got through it, and since then, friends and family have often asked us for advice on behalf of someone they know who is going through the same situation.

Everyone seems to know someone in this boat: the CDC says 40% of all births in the USA involve unmarried parents (https://bit.ly/CDCBOOW). 40% = about 1,500,000 births, which is almost double the number of divorces each year for context.

In addition, 85% of all abortions in the USA involve unmarried mothers, accounting for another ~600,000 pregnancies out of wedlock. Together, we are talking about over 2,000,000 pregnancies each year or 4,000,000 parents who are struggeling with the same questions we struggled with. For women considering abortion, learning the answers to those questions can play a big role in their decision.

The numbers are even larger for some demographics. For young mothers under age 30, 50% are unmarried when they give birth (50%!). It’s even higher for some minorities. For example, in 2016, 69% of African American mothers were not married. Despite the large numbers, we could not find any other books dedicated to these parents.

Seeing the unmet need and remembering how much we struggled, we were inspired to write a guidebook that answered all the questions we had back then. Our primary objective is to help readers avoid nasty custody battles and achieve better co-parenting relationships, ultimately benefiting the children. Our website lets readers ask follow-up questions, get free coaching, or learn more about us before buying the book.

We firmly believe with better information and realistic expectations, there is absolutely no reason that unmarried parents cannot function well and avoid an expensive legal battle. If both parents read our book and get on the same page (no pun intended), then there is an excellent chance of success.

You are both successful leaders. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?

Well, we are not sure that leadership is very relevant in our case because it is just the two of us; we are not leading a large organization. But as far as three traits that were instrumental in producing a successful book, we would suggest:

Execution. Many people have great ideas that are book-worthy, but only those who sit down and start writing end up with a book. It took a lot of long nights sitting in front of the computer instead of the TV to make this book a reality. The good news is that anyone can choose to execute. It’s just a question of prioritizing.

Curiosity. No one knows everything needed for success. Success requires constant learning, asking questions, and the patience to seek out the answers. We took the time to do the research, find experts, solicit criticism, and hire the professionals we needed to produce a high-quality product that we are proud of. If you are not curious about the world around you and the possibilities in front of you, you won’t even know what you’re missing half the time, and success will elude you.

Experience. Good old-fashioned experience is invaluable. We are in our forties now and had our babies out of wedlock at about thirty. If we had tried to write this book ten years ago, we would not have had the knowledge base to do it. Wisdom comes with experience and age, and there is no substitute for that.

What’s the WHY behind the work that you do? Please share a story about this if you can.

Becoming an unmarried parent and the custody battles that followed were nothing less than traumatic experiences for both of us. Of course, holding our babies in our arms was not traumatic, but the nine months of the pregnancy where you couldn’t think about anything else other than “how will this all work out?” was very stressful. And that’s even harder on the mothers because they have the constant reminder growing in their belly.

After the births, the litigation began, and with that is another year of waiting because it takes about a year to get to a trial. Anxious anticipation, time-consuming evidence gathering, and stressful conversations are daily occurrences. Not to mention, the legal bills keep growing exponentially. It was a daunting situation.

Jessica was accused of all sorts of nonsense by her ex-boyfriend, none of which were true but still very distressing. Jim traveled four hours each way every week to see his daughter, sometimes getting stood up when he arrived because mom was angry about something.

We eventually made it through, but it’s easy to see why others might not be willing or financially able to fight the battles we experienced. The kids are the ultimate losers when one parent is left out of the equation.

However, the good news is that with twelve years of experience now and both the male and female perspectives, we know there is a way to get through the situation without the trauma. It’s all about getting good information, learning realistic expectations, and utilizing a few simple tools that can make all the difference in the world.

So that is the WHY. We did this to help the millions of other single parents avoid the trauma that we experienced, which helps their children grow up in better situations.

None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story about that?

There were many, but two people in particular helped us turn our book from a word document into an award winner. Holly Brady (HollyBrady.com) was our publishing strategist. She had a long career in publishing at Stanford University and now helps independent authors self-publish. For a nominal fee, she quarterbacked the project, making sure we did everything from editing to cover design right. She was worth her weight in gold if you are a first-time author who wants to do it right the first time.

Once the book was ready to be published, Rick Lite (StressFreeBookMarketing.com) helped us through the launch. Again, if you have never published a book, there are all kinds of things you can screw up. Rick made sure we got the reviews we needed, entered the right contests, and were reaching out to the right media at the right time.

Awesome! Let’s now jump to the primary focus of our interview. I’m an author and I believe that books have the power to change lives. Can you please tell our readers about “The Book That Changed Your Life”? Can you share a story about how it impacted you?

Many books can inspire or touch your heart. But Baby Out of Wedlock can actually change the course of someone’s life. If we had read it during our custody battles, they would have been much less painful, especially for Jim. He had to keep fighting for four years before figuring out what worked and what didn’t in these situations. He spent $165k in legal fees, most of which were avoidable.

Soon after the book was published, we talked to a young man from Florida who was going through an unplanned pregnancy with his sort-of girlfriend. He was in a pit of despair. He wasn’t sleeping and had all kinds of questions about handling the situation right. As usual, the child’s mother was equally stressed out, and the temperature was rising.

After reading the book, he told us that his entire outlook on the situation changed. Instead of being a problem he had to solve, he started looking at it as an opportunity for his life to change for the better. He followed some of our advice, temperature went down, the baby was born, and things worked out fine for him.

The beauty of the book is that it is gender-neutral. We are not beating up on moms or dads. We offer both perspectives, and one of our primary objectives is to help each parent learn the other’s point of view.

We had a woman from NY state who read the book, and we coached her briefly. She was very upset about the idea of her young daughter spending time with the father and didn’t understand how he could be asking for some of the things he was asking for. She told us the best part of the book was that it helped her understand the father’s point of view, thereby reducing her instinct to resist his involvement.

What was the moment or series of events that made you decide that you wanted to take a specific course of action based on the inspiration from the book? Can you share a story about that?

We published the book on May 30th, 2021, and sort of held our breath. We thought it was good but didn’t know what others would think. We had never published anything before.

Then about two weeks after the pub date, we were notified that the book had received a “Kirkus Starred Review.” “What’s that?” we asked. Holly and Rick told us it was a big deal, as did several others in the publishing industry. Kirkus is one of the largest and most respected book review companies out there, and we had paid them to review our book. We hoped to get a favorable review, but we did not expect to get one of their coveted “stars,” which are only awarded to 1–3% of their reviews and are especially rare for first-time, independent authors.

It was a real badge of quality and pat on the back from a respected third party in the literary world. Soon after, the book won a few other awards, and we realized that we had written something special.

With our newfound confidence, we decided to dedicate more resources and time to this project, which is what we have been doing ever since. For example, we expanded our website and started offering free coaching sessions to anyone who wanted to talk.

We began donating hundreds of books to pregnancy resource centers around the country. Jim’s brother is in the Navy, and at his advice, we sent the book to every Navy base in the nation (over 50 of them), where they have support offices that help sailors in need of counseling on this sort of thing. All these places have been very receptive, telling us the book is a great tool and that there is a significant need for this kind of information.

Can you articulate why you think books in particular have the power to create movements, revolutions, and true change?

Today everything seems to come in bite-sized social media snippets. We are on social media because it’s almost a requirement to do anything these days, but how often does a social post change your life? We would say, “never,” unless it’s used to get information in a war zone as we see in Ukraine.

But for deep topics like this, books are the best format for inspiring change. You need to sit and think about these issues, read and sometimes re-read passages, for everything to sink in. There is nothing like a book that forces you to focus.

A book has many aspects, of course. For example, you have the writing style, the narrative tense, the topic, the genre, the design, the cover, the size, etc. In your opinion, what are the main, essential ingredients needed to create a book that can change lives?

We tried hard to constantly think of our reader as we wrote Baby Out of Wedlock. That person might be rich or poor, urban or rural, young adult or older, male or female, but they all have this big issue in common. They all have similar questions about it. They are desperate to get those questions answered.

Our goal was to write something easy to read, brief and to the point, relatable, and straightforward. We did not want academic nonsense. We are not lawyers or PhDs, and we didn’t want to sound like one. Reading our book is like sitting down with a trusted friend who gives it to you straight.

It was essential that we presented the issues from both the mother and father’s point of view. And we strived to be fair to our co-parents — they book is not meant to disrespect them in any way. While we did point out many of the mistakes they made, but we tried to point out all our mistakes as well.

Finally, we made sure the book was location netural. Custody laws vary from state to state in the USA, so while we did give some advice that was generally true nationwide, we always identified those issues that the reader needs to discuss further with their local family law attorney.

What are your “5 Things I Wish Someone Told Me Before I Started My Career” and why? (Please share a story or example for each.)

For Five Things we wish we knew before having a baby out of wedlock, please see our video here.

For Five things we wish someone told us before starting our careers, see here:

1. Respond! The key to success in any career or relationship (including co-parenting) is to simply be responsive. If someone calls or emails or texts you, respond promptly. It’s so easy, and people appreciate it, yet many fail to do it. Better to quickly say, “I’m not sure but will get back to you soon…” than nothing at all. This simple issue caused a lot of problems for Jim. When his co-parent was slow to respond, he assumed she was trying to dodge his questions or manipulate the situation in her favor. He shouldn’t have been so sensitive about it, but she could have been a much better communicator.
2. Humility. Especially if you are a young person, but even when you are older and more experienced. Everyone hates a know-it-all. Everyone makes mistakes and has lots to learn, even you. Don’t let yourself become “one of those people.”
3. Respect. We often say, “different homes, different rules,” when someone asks how to settle a co-parenting argument. You have to respect each other as parents or you will get nowhere. This holds true in any organization or relationship, not just parenting.
4. Never stop learning. The world is filled with better ways to do things. Keep looking for those ways. Keep asking questions. Put the social media down for a while each day and dedicate some time to learning something new.
5. Execution, as we mentioned in a previous answer. The difference between Elon Musk and the rest of us is not that he’s a genius; it’s that he knows how to execute a vision. Ok, maybe Elon is a bad example! The guy is a freaking genius. But for most things, most small businesses, writing a book, co-parenting successfully, etc., you don’t need to be a genius or reinvent the wheel. You just need to find the discipline to execute your vision. The way to do that is to break it down into smaller tasks. First, we drafted the book. Then we found Holly to help us publish it. Then we made a website, then found Rick to help us market it. Our book lays out simple steps for successful co-parenting too.

The world, of course, needs progress in many areas. What movement do you hope someone (or you!) starts next? Can you explain why that is so important?

When we went through our custody battles in 2010, it was typical for mothers to be awarded primary custody and for the fathers to get visiting rights on a limited basis. Most states have a formula that says the parent who spends more time with the child receives more child support, so there is a financial incentive to fight for more time. On top of that, this arrangement creates a situation where one parent “wins” and one “loses” custody, setting up an arrangement where one parent has more authority than the other.

Fathers have been treated unfairly by this outdated system for decades, but there has been a movement nationwide towards 50/50 shared parenting time as the default arrangement in recent years.

There could be reasons for less than 50/50, such as a long-distance between homes or a substance abuse problem. But 50/50 should be the default starting position unless there is reason to alter it. The evidence overwhelmingly favors children who have nearly equal access to both parents, even if they are not under the same roof. Furthermore, when fathers share more of the parenting burden, it frees up mothers to pursue their careers on equal footing, which is better for everyone in the longer term.

But there is more at stake than fairness and the child’s well-being. 50/50 shared parenting is about removing the reasons to spend thousands in family court. If everyone knew that there was nothing to argue about because 50/50 was the default arrangement, approximately 80% of the court cases would disappear, and outcomes would improve drastically.

There is empirical evidence in Kentucky where they have changed the law to presume 50/50 and seen great results. Several other states have moved towards 50/50, and we hope to see this trend grow over time. Organizations like SharedParenting.org, TFRM.org, OCHR.org, and AFESP.com are making significant headway, and we support them all.

How can our readers further follow your work online?

The best way to learn more or contact us is through BabyOutofWedlock.com

Book / E-Book / Audible on Amazon: https://amzn.to/3AlDI1X

Instagram: @Babyoutofwedlock

Facebook: https:/www.facebook.com/BabyOutofWedlock

Thank you so much for taking the time to share with us and our readers. We know that it will make a tremendous difference and impact thousands of lives. We are excited to connect further and we wish you so much joy in your next success.

About the interviewer: Sara Connell is a bestselling author and the founder of Thought Leader Academy where she helps coaches, writers and entrepreneurs become best selling authors, TEDx and paid speakers. She has been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Good Morning America, The View, FOX Chicago, NPR, Katie Couric and TEDx. Her writing has appeared in: The New York Times, Forbes, and many publications. Access her free masterclass: How to Write A Bestselling Book That Changes Lives (in less than 3 months) HERE