Azlynn Berry of EmotionalArchitecture On How to Recover From Being a People Pleaser
An Interview With Brooke Young & Yitzi Weiner
Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Let go of the expectation of making everyone happy. Be willing to explore the edge of your comfort zone. Allow yourself to be seen fully, imperfect, unkept. Whatever it is, let it all out. One of my favorite exercises is to have clients start conversations with strangers by speaking gibberish. Run an experiment just to see how people react.
In today’s society, the tendency to prioritize others’ needs and expectations over one’s own can lead to significant emotional and psychological challenges. In this series, we would like to explore the complex dynamics of people-pleasing behavior and its impact on individual well-being and relationships. We would like to discuss the root causes of people-pleasing behavior, its effects on personal and professional life, and practical steps for cultivating healthier relationships and self-esteem. We hope that this series can provide insights, strategies, and real-life experiences that can help individuals navigate and overcome the pitfalls of being a people pleaser. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing AzLynn Berry.
AzLynn Berry is an Alignment and Embodiment Guide in her 20th year, specializing in long-term chronic pain. She sees the world of pain from a lense of alignment and physical emotional integration. AzLynn helps people utilize negative emotions and experiences as teachers to drive purpose and authenticity. Mixing spiritual healing, life coaching and neuromuscular retraining to integrate trapped emotions and build life changing Emotional Architecture. Her work to say the least is transformational.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story?” Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
I love this question. I haven’t decided if I am a villain in recovery or a superhero in boot camp but here we go.
The things I overcame in life are what made me. The uncomfortable and sometimes horrifying realities, bad nights and tears that I thought broke me, built me. Our past doesn’t define us but our actions and habits create us, so the story you tell is pivotal in the chapters being written now. I came from a big family all living together in a very close community. The ugly part is that childhood trauma made me hyper vigilant and turned into an autoimmune disease. Then continued with toxic relationship patterns that needed my accountability, understanding and self compassion.
Then I was at a friend’s house one night, when I was 19 years old. I got this horrible feeling that I was going to be in an accident. I started arguing with my friend that I needed to leave, otherwise I would not live to see tomorrow. It was such a crazy feeling, I will never forget it. That night on my way home, I got hit by a drunk driver. It was a timely intervention in my life. I was in constant emotional and physical pain and I refused to live a life so colorless. Being in pain like that is like being numb to the beauty all around you, living in a black and white landscape. I wanted to fall in love with life again. I felt like I was robbed of my love story, how could I fall in love with myself feeling like my body betrayed me.
It was from that auto accident, I started naming pain patterns and began taking them apart. I started what I called “Waking the Dead”, while working as a massage therapist in a chiropractic clinic. I inadvertently helped people get off of pain meds that left them functioning like zombies. I had such an intense urge to turn the volume up on life that I started shaking others awake and helping them break their own pain patterns.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
I am an alignment coach and embodiment guide specializing in long-term chronic pain. I’ve been studying pain patterns for almost 20 years. I began as a neuromuscular retrainer working in rehabilitative medicine. Now I integrate physical and spiritual practices to condition the body to change its emotional architecture, effectively deconstructing pain patterns while creating a new foundation. I really look for what causes the nervous system to glitch and where the body and mind disconnect. Then begin building new habits, reconnecting the two so that the triggers in life cannot pull the individual offline. It is like re-coding a computer, making sure that the system no longer throws error codes.
When our actions and values are in alignment the subconscious programming can not derail your success. You’re officially in the driver’s seat. The programs I create are completely customized based on the individual and I give clients the tools to understand and overcome their most difficult challenges. At times I will take the client out into the environments that they struggle with the most to help them overcome their personal obstacles. I’ve been told that it’s like surgery, we are going to make massive changes and confront the pain in order to heal. Afterwards the client has everything needed to complete the healing process and future challenges.
Thank you for all that. Let’s now turn to the main focus of our discussion about People Pleasing. To make sure that we are all on the same page, let’s begin with a simple definition. What does “People Pleaser” mean to you?
They are anyone who gives of themselves to the extent that they neglect their own needs or desires. They are shadow archetypes to their virtuous cousin Empathy and Compassion. Just like the 7 heavenly virtues have their dark side of the seven deadly sins, so does Compassion and Empathy. It’s taking action to earn love verse from a place of love, so your value never lives fully inside of you. The darker side is to give to the point of failure; causing a godly gift to become a curse, that’s a people pleaser.
On the surface, it seems like being a person who wants to please others is a good thing. Can you help articulate a few of the challenges that come with being a people pleaser?
It is innately a good thing unless it’s taking over your personal authority or authenticity. Often their internal orientation is off. When they should be thinking of how a situation affects them, they will think of how it affects others before themselves. Taking action on that to feel valued or loved, sadly creating cycles of self abandonment. They tend to struggle to be heard, feel seen, or even really truly loved for who they are, which is the most primal basic need.
Does being a people pleaser give you certain advantages? Can you explain?
Absolutely, being so attuned to the needs of others, it can seem as if they are physic and just know you. It creates another level of closeness and acceptance, it feels like you’re instantly bonded. This makes them highly trusted and often the first person in mind to handle a task or lead a team. This can create a strong foundation of supporters in the workplace or community.
Having others singing your praise and feeling like your bestie can put you at the front of the line for a promotion. It could result in raises, better positions, or being the confidante of those in power.
Can you describe a moment in your life when you realized that your own people-pleasing behavior was more harmful than helpful?
There was a point in my relationships where I was essentially a very beautiful doormat. I struggled to set boundaries and often took on relationship roles that became one sided. I struggled to ask for help and often felt used and exhausted. I attracted Narcissistic partners that kept the cycle of self abandonment going until I realized that they could teach me to love myself better. That realization and taking steps to make solid changes acted like Narc repellent. Ha!
Suppressing my needs and desires didn’t allow my partners to fully know me. By always thinking of them first, there was no context to what I needed to feel loved and supported. Starting to express myself alone exposed people who only wanted the convenience of me a lot sooner and my life started shifting very fast.
In your opinion, what are the common root causes of people-pleasing behavior?
Learning in childhood that getting your needs met required you to prioritize others. Whether it’s to get love, feel seen, or to be heard. You may have been the peacekeeper between two parents or siblings. Even just simply being overlooked by a caregiver and competing for attention. In the case of abuse someone may have been conditioned to disregard themselves completely in order to feel safe.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact personal relationships?
This was a hard pill for me to swallow. Taking care of others is just a way to control feeling rejected or abandoned and keeps you from the love and acceptance that you truly desire. The protection mechanism to prioritize others is the mask keeping you in a cycle of fear, proving that you’re unworthy of love.
It’s impossible to show up fully as yourself, if your needs and desires are left out of the equation. It’s like you’re wearing a mask and hiding in plain sight. The people that actually love you will never get a chance to show up for you, if you constantly care and mirror them suppressing your authenticity.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact professional relationships?
It’s easy to become indispensable and irreplaceable. This eventually cuts off your upward mobility to grow into a new position. You may take on too much for others and cycle through exhaustion, overwhelm and emotional outburst from the pressure.
As an employer if you only hire People Pleasers or yes men, you may lack the perspective to see outside of your own expectations. It’s a blind spot where someone else might see something you don’t because they are bringing the whole of their experience, perspective, and voice to the table. This also can create scapegoating where the employee is blamed.
How can long-term people-pleasing behavior impact an individual’s mental health?
Excessive people pleasing is a wild cycle of chronic stress and emotional suppression. Prioritizing others’ well being over your own is a key trait identified in people who become chronically ill. It often leads to reactive behaviors like shutting down, verbally unloading, lashing out, or crying. On the outside you may appear judgmental or two faced from the frustration in trying to get your needs met when witnessing the ease others have in getting what they desire.
In your experience, what is the role of self-awareness in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, and how can individuals cultivate it?
Self awareness is going to be your best friend and the primary practice to change your internal orientation and help prioritize your needs in a healthier way. There is an emotional compass that’s driving this orientation, people pleasing is like having your compass spin out of control. It’s important to get to know what your true magnetic north is.
Increase self awareness around your values and motivations behind your actions. Instead of thinking of others first and considering your impact on them. Consider the impact on you, how it makes you feel, and what you want before anything else.
Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Strategies Or Techniques That Can Help Individuals Break Free From The Cycle Of People-Pleasing”?
I am so glad you asked.
1 . Make yourself a priority: When others ask for your time, ask them to give you 5 minutes before including their needs into your day. Self check-in and see if this is something you really want to do. It’s easy to over promise and burn out. Taking that extra 5 minutes allows space for yourself and helps teach others that your needs are a priority while still allowing room for them.
I had a client years ago, who’s favorite thing was reading but could not find the time. She was very successful and could move mountains and transform the world for anyone except for herself. When she first started this exercise, she struggled setting boundaries around her personal needs. She would stop eating her lunch or leave whatever she was doing and suffer feeling tired, hungry, and overwhelmed causing her to binge eat and over caffeinate.
Once she started this practice the general sense of wellbeing increased and her stress levels started to come down. She started to consistently carve out time for herself. The binge cycle stopped and she finally started to lose weight which was a large goal of hers that had plagued. She now starts her day by reading. Giving herself a dedicated 5 minutes and making sure that she prioritizes herself. Now she keeps a book with her just in case the opportunity arises.
2 . Love your No! The hardest part of changing my behavior was understanding when and where I struggled with suppressing my needs and desires. I started to focus on how my body felt whenever I did something I didn’t want to do. The feeling in my body became my go sign to speak up, act out, or sometimes walk away. Eventually conversations that terrified me became simple actions. The more I expressed myself the more open my community was. They were ready to work with me, help, and even show up for my needs.
This exercise works best with a partner and can help you start to identify the shift in your body. Sit down with a friend and have them ask you a series of questions in which you have to answer ”No.” Start with something easy, increasing the pressure, paying attention to how and what you feel. Keep practicing this and soon your natural “No” containing your truth and authenticity will start to rise to the surface.
3 . Replace I’m sorry for thank you: This technique will start to transform your orientation around inclusion, subconsciously aligning the desire to be valued with seeing valued actions from others. Making this replacement changes the conversation from what you did wrong to why you’re worth the extra effort.
This technique blew my mind the first time I used it. I was late, really, really late for an audition, with a producer that was notoriously mean. I scrambled into the audition a complete disaster. Shoes in hand, hair a mess, and tears forming in the corner of my eyes as I introduced myself. I remembered at that moment the promise I made myself, to not apologize for my existence. I looked the agent in the eyes and with a giant smile said “thank you for waiting for me”. I fumbled with my shoes and told them the story of the job that ran over. I insisted that their patience with me was so appreciated and thanked them again and again. I was almost two hours late with no call and I got the job!
4 . Speak your truth: Try to go one day without editing yourself. No matter the good, bad, or the ugly. Speak without the filter and state how you actually feel. Let it out. It’s normal for people pleasers to get burnt out agreeing to doing things they really don’t want to do. If this is too hard, you can try this with a journaling exercise or texting friends.
Speaking up for yourself will help better aligne your actions around your values, bring clarity around your motivations. This will begin to naturally allowing your authenticity to come forward. Ask yourself these questions. Why am I doing this? Who benefits from this? Is this something I really want?
I had a client with OCD who’s compulsions had turned inward attacking his character. He felt like everything he did was a performance to feel accepted and lost himself in the process. He spent so much time self editing to fit in, that changing his relationship to his expression was vital. I remember the first time he called me after starting this exercise. The relief in his voice ran so deep, it brought me to tears. He told me that he was in the kitchen with his mom reading a book, when she asked him to do something. Because of the exercise I gave him, he looked at her and simply said, “I don’t feel like it.” This was nothing novel but he started practicing this exercise at home where there would be more acceptance of his less lovable side and that’s exactly where he should have started. However this moment was the honesty he craved with himself.
He helped her a few minutes later but it opened up a conversation around how he felt and he was fully accepted even for his faults, dislikes and no’s. He started creating a balance between doing things for others and showing up as himself. Allowing both aspects to exist together was the beginning of creating a new internal resonance that allowed him to access a truer form of self confidence. He was no longer rooted in seeking power or prophetic truth but rather a place of care and compassion for himself as an individual.
5 . Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Let go of the expectation of making everyone happy. Be willing to explore the edge of your comfort zone. Allow yourself to be seen fully, imperfect, unkept. Whatever it is, let it all out. One of my favorite exercises is to have clients start conversations with strangers by speaking gibberish. Run an experiment just to see how people react.
Allowing yourself to see that the pressure of perfection or fitting in is an illusion. Showing up as yourself even in ridiculous or foolish ways is not only safe but can often be the shift someone else needed to move their day in a more positive direction. We spend so much time thinking about how we are perceived that we forget that other people are often stuck in the same loop. They want out as bad as we do, a foolish hello just might be the thing that changes the direction of their day.
Demonstrating this point is always my favorite day out with a client. I get to make an absolute fool of myself and watching someone tip over the edge of their fears, into realizing that people love their company. Life is fueled by our interactions with each other and just how vibrant life can really be. We all need each other and seeing people put themselves back in the game is everything. It’s like watching a get out hell free card being cashed in.
What steps should people pleasers take to establish healthier boundaries?
Make sure that you are considering yourself first and what you need to feel taken care of, safe and loved. The boundaries that need to be set are with yourself. It’s not about controlling other people, it’s about setting the standard and holding yourself to it. Good boundaries consist of 3 parts.
- Knowing what you need or expect and clearly communicating those needs.
- Establish the actions you will take, the how, when, and why if they don’t meet those needs.
- Lastly, follow through.
The follow through is the hardest part but remember that this is an aspect of self respect and showing up for yourself. You have so much to give, make sure you are putting your energy into people that are capable of matching your energy and effort. Boundaries do not cut off your love languages, they make it possible to participate in them.
How can someone who is naturally empathic maintain their compassion while becoming more assertive?
Forget about being nice, just be honest. It is going to feel really bad at first. There is a difference between being honest and being mean. The truth is never bad, being compliant and letting someone think you feel one way; when it’s not the truth is worse. The people closest to you rely on your honesty and perspective. You are desired as an active participant and your needs matter.
What are the most common misconceptions about people pleasers, and how do these misconceptions affect their journey toward recovery?
They are the best people you can possibly know. They do so much for everyone but I rarely see people doing the same thing for them, it’s sad…….. That’s the misconception. The compassion and empathy they feel is often mixed into their identity of being a good person. It’s a major blind spot to seeing how their behavior is harmful to themselves and others.
Trying to change often feels like being mean or even cruel. When I started to really fight, emotional suppression I felt like I was pushing everyone around and acting crazy. The people I was closest to were surprised that I even felt that way, and appreciated how upfront I was becoming.
What role can therapy or counseling play in helping individuals overcome people-pleasing behavior?
It’s normal to feel some confusion when trying to change long term habits. Therapy and counseling can help keep you accountable to these changes and understand when old patterns arise. These two modalities are great for running a marathon and helping you come to a better understanding of yourself.
Where if your self awareness is high a coach or guide like myself often can work more intensely on a specific goal. This helps push you over a finish line, creating massive action in the right direction, breaking barriers on what’s held you back.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
Fully embracing your vulnerability and standing in your emotional expression cracks all of life open. Nervous system regulation and releasing trauma patterns all lies in radical acts of self expression. There is no love language greater than falling in love with yourself so that you can be the best version of yourself, doing so will help others do the same.
I would teach people how to break their relationship with fear and de-armour the body to live fully unafraid of what their emotions had to say. No more avoidance, dissociation, just acceptance and expression. Let bad days be the direction to put you back on your path. Let passion, desire, and joyful expression be guides and fall madly in love with the flow that comes from embracing the unknown, uncomfortable, and the love that sits on the other side.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
You can visit me at www.emotionalarchitecture.us or follow me on Instagram @e_motionalarchitecture for a full list of content and contacts https://linktr.ee/azlynnberry
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
About the Interviewers:
Brooke Young is a multipassionate publicist, public speaking mentor, and communication consulting. She works with a wide range of clients across the globe, and across a diverse range of industries, to help them create, develop, and promote powerful messages through heart-centered storytelling. She has formerly worked On-Air with FOX Sports, competed in the Miss America Organization, and is the Author of a Children’s Book. She frequently works with children as a professional speaker where she educates on Volunteering and Therapy Dogs. She has over a decade of professional performing background and finds joy in sparking creative passions for her clients.
Yitzi Weiner is a journalist, author, and the founder of Authority Magazine, one of Medium’s largest publications. Authority Magazine is devoted to sharing in depth “thought leadership interview series” featuring people who are authorities in Business, Tech, Entertainment, Wellness, and Social Impact.
At Authority Magazine, Yitzi has conducted or coordinated thousands of empowering interviews with prominent Authorities like Shaquille O’Neal, Peyton Manning, Floyd Mayweather, Paris Hilton, Baron Davis, Jewel, Flo Rida, Kelly Rowland, Kerry Washington, Bobbi Brown, Daymond John, Seth Godin, Guy Kawasaki, Lori Greiner, Robert Herjavec, Alicia Silverstone, Lindsay Lohan, Cal Ripkin Jr., David Wells, Jillian Michaels, Jenny Craig, John Sculley, Matt Sorum, Derek Hough, Mika Brzezinski, Blac Chyna, Perez Hilton, Joseph Abboud, Rachel Hollis, Daniel Pink, and Kevin Harrington
Yitzi is also the CEO of Authority Magazine’s Thought Leader Incubator which helps business leaders to become known as an authority in their field, by interviewing prominent CEOs, writing a daily syndicated column, writing a book, booking high level leaders on their podcast, and attending exclusive events.
