Brandi Holder: 5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change

An Interview With Heidi Sander

Spend some time with yourself, but don’t build a fort. In many ways, I was thankful the world was shut down when Tim died. I don’t think I had it in me to deal with people showing up with casseroles and whatnot. I needed the downtime to figure out my new life and new routines. And for me, I spent a lot of time managing other people’s grief. I needed a break from all that too.

The world seems to be reeling from one crisis to another. We’ve experienced a global pandemic, economic uncertainty, political and social turmoil. Then there are personal traumas that people are dealing with, such as the loss of a loved one, health issues, unemployment, divorce or the loss of a job.

Coping with change can be traumatic as it often affects every part of our lives.

How do you deal with loss or change in your life? What coping strategies can you use? Do you ignore them and just push through, or do you use specific techniques?

In this series called “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change” we are interviewing successful people who were able to heal after a difficult life change such as the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or other personal hardships. We are also talking to Wellness experts, Therapists, and Mental Health Professionals who can share lessons from their experience and research.

As a part of this interview series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Brandi Holder.

Brandi Holder is a brand marketing consultant and accountability coach hellbent on inspiring ambitious people to take action, aim higher and achieve runaway success. She is a thoughtful problem solver and creative force with a 20-year career spanning economic development, housing, public safety, technology, trades, and entrepreneurship. Brandi specializes in brand voice and helping small teams and one-person businesses grow their companies and build magnetic cultures.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?

I was raised by a single mother but luckily in a family that cared deeply about education. They made me participate in after-school activities, attend camps and summer school, read, play instruments, etc. (Unfortunately, I had no appreciation for this as a kid.) They also sent me to the rich kid’s school system because they thought it would create better opportunities. Fitting in was tough. As a result, I didn’t have many friends or understand how to develop relationships, which later led to challenges in my career and business.

I think that for some kids who grow up without access to wealth or influence, that becomes a driver for success. That didn’t kick in until I was around 30 when I decided it was time to make something happen for myself.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

Something I say a lot is, pain is a powerful teacher. So, by all means, read the books and follow people doing big things. But don’t delay the experience. The learning that we acquire even in failure teaches us more than any book or podcast.

You have been blessed with much success. In your opinion, what are the top three qualities that you possess that have helped you accomplish so much? If you can, please share a story or example for each.

First, self-awareness is the ability to take a deep and honest look at what you want to do, what you say you do, and what you actually do to see if those things align. If you say you want to build a business, but every evening you flop on the couch to binge watch tv or doom scroll social media, your actions are out of alignment with what you say you want. I am guilty of this too! But with practice, self-awareness provides the ability to ask deep questions about why you are not doing the things you say you want, so you can figure out how to create better habits.

Second, the willingness to fail my way through. Your business and career will change due to market conditions, consumer behavior, and what you want from life. You must understand your ultimate goal and start building to that every day, even if you have no idea what you are doing.

Third, curiosity. A bend toward curiosity is what makes things happen. If you’re not curious, you’re not asking questions about why business isn’t closing or where the customer journey could improve. You’re not investigating emerging trends or low-end disruptors that remake industries. You’re not examining your own perceived limitations that are holding you back.

Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘Healing after Loss’. Do you feel comfortable sharing with our readers about your dramatic loss or life change?

After a couple of false starts in my career and love life, I started a writing business and later married a lovely man who is fun and intelligent and seems delighted by my desire to run the world. We signed on the dotted line in a small ceremony in northern Michigan with a long summer sun setting around us. We thought the roaring creek running beside the quaint little Inn was a sign of sweeping success for our new businesses and our new pact as partners. However, 44 days in as newlyweds, we found ourselves sitting in the doctor’s office talking about liver cancer. I lost Tim a little under two years later.

What was the scariest part of that event? What did you think was the worst thing that could happen to you?

So many things about it were scary. Your first thoughts are about the person, what they will experience knowing they are getting the pink slip on life. Then it becomes about how you learn enough about the treatments and managing symptoms. And, of course, it turns to the financial piece — how you will manage work and pay for everything while still having some kind of quality of life.

How did you react in the short term?

I just got it done. No doubt I was exhausted. My family reminded me that it is ok to let some things go. Sometimes you must let the little stuff fall by the wayside so you can concentrate on what matters. 15-minute cat naps also helped tremendously!

After the dust settled, what coping mechanisms did you use?

Is sticking your head in the sand a coping mechanism? After Tim died, I just kept on at the same pace. Many suspected it was out of denial, fear, or something. But it was more like it was muscle memory. I had been doing everything for two years to keep our household afloat. So I just kept going. Then after a year, I hit a wall. I was stressed and complaining about work and didn’t want to be that girl. It didn’t fit into what I just learned about how short life is.

So I started looking at what needed to change. I needed a break to rebuild some areas of my life with intention.

Can you share with us how you were eventually able to heal and “let go” of the negative aspects of that event?

When someone experiences a loss, you have no idea what things were like before their person was mentally or physically gone. You don’t know their conversations; you don’t know their agreements. And you have no idea how a person handles grief behind closed doors.

I didn’t know that I wasn’t ok. I hired a counselor just to talk through some things I couldn’t share with my friends and family. I know people judged me for the way I handled things. It is easy to do that. But life is not linear. Nor are the stages of grief. How we look back on our life after someone is gone is complicated and can evoke some unexpected emotions. Talking with a counselor helped me look objectively at areas where I was not happy and try to find things that would improve them. It was no magic bullet, but it helped me slowly get to a better place.

I also tried to be patient with myself and remember that I deserve a vibrant life.

If you are missing someone, I want you to know I see you. It’s ok if you are pissed and want to scream or throw things. It’s also ok if you are joyful in your person’s memories. I am thankful for the people in my life that let me meander through my grief. They didn’t hold me to the societal expectations that grief is linear and neat. They just met me where I was, knowing each day would unravel some new mystery or feeling. It takes time to come to terms with loss and what life looks like through a new lens. And that looks different for everyone.

In my own grief journey, I found writing to be cathartic. Did you engage in any writing during that time, such as journaling, poetry, or writing letters? If yes, we’d love to hear about any stories or examples.

Initially, I wrote, though I had long and intense periods where I felt blocked. It’s like it was too noisy in my head. During Tim’s illness, I kept a journal of how we felt, what fun things we were doing, and where our travels led us. I started making that into book format but didn’t force it. I know the conventional wisdom is to write every day whether you feel like it or not, but I don’t subscribe to that. I think if it helps, do it. If not, find another outlet.

Aside from letting go, what did you do to create an internal, emotional shift to feel better?

This is going to sound simplistic. You must understand where you are and what you are feeling. And make small decisions every day on how to feel better. I also listen to Ted Talks and podcasts with business leaders and founders. Hearing how people overcome setbacks a) makes you feel not alone and b) is so inspiring!

Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to cope and heal? Can you share a story about that?

I had a couple of great girlfriends that made sure I got out of the house. I later found out that they “bounced” people so I could enjoy a little time out where I didn’t have to talk about Tim’s treatments or whether he was eating.

Second, my mom is a former hospice nurse. She took time off work to be with me in Tim’s last ten days. By then, I had already dealt with so much of my grief; it was just the stress of the hospice process and making sure I was helping him leave this earth peacefully and with dignity. I could not have done that without her.

And the third is someone I don’t know, Erica Roman. I accidentally stumbled upon an article she wrote several years ago defending Patton Oswalt and other widows for finding love again after loss — especially “too soon.”

People can be very judgmental. When I met a man that genuinely lit my world up, I knew not everyone could understand. In fact, I didn’t understand! It wasn’t something I was looking for — at all! Erica’s bravery in sharing her story helped me tremendously. I knew other people out there understood my experience, and I cared less and less about small, minded people who were blessed by their ignorance.

To deny yourself love and joy doesn’t bring anybody back or change the past. Allowing love and joy, and light honors those that didn’t get to fulfill all their hopes and dreams.

Were you able to eventually reframe the consequences and turn it into a positive situation? Can you explain how you did that?

Life is a gift. Caring for someone with a terminal illness changed me fundamentally for the better. The universe brought us together because Tim needed to feel the love of someone in his darkest days. And I needed someone to teach me how to practice love, kindness, and patience even when (and especially when!) none of that is convenient.

Finding a positive frame requires listening to how you talk to yourself about what you think you deserve in life and then speaking the opposite repeatedly until you change the negative thought.

What did you learn about yourself from this very difficult experience? Can you please explain with a story or example?

I never really had a burning for life before. But with a cancer diagnosis now on my list of life experiences, shit got real. I feared whether or not I had the chops to care for someone in his final days and care for myself for all my days after he was gone. I had to make a choice. I could lie down and let the lights go out — or figure it out.

At the time, I had just begun freelance writing for tech founders and CEOs. These people had bet their time, talent, and savings on an idea that may or may not work. So, I thought, no better set of people to take my cues from for actions to solve my today problems as well as my long-term goals. I started listening to how they overcame setbacks and failures. It is always the same formula. Recognize that things have gone off the rails, stop, seek guidance in trusted counsel, lick your wounds, and then try something new.

I knew that I didn’t want to be stuck, and I wanted to inspire others to move on to a more vibrant life. The only way you can inspire others is to make that change happen in your own life and deeply believe that you deserve every opportunity that comes your way.

Fantastic. Here is the main question of our interview. Based on your experiences and knowledge, what advice would you give others to help them get through a difficult life challenge? What are your “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change? Please share a story or example for each.

1. If you need to take some time to veg out, do it. I went through this weird phase of ridiculously loud rap music and tacos for breakfast. I also spent some time on the couch watching cheesy movies and took time away from work.
2. Therapy or at least the counsel of someone who has been through something similar. I hired a counselor to help me deal with all the weird things I was feeling. I also have sought out other widows because we have our own understanding of all the stages of grief, guilt, anger, and peace.
3. Spend some time with yourself, but don’t build a fort. In many ways, I was thankful the world was shut down when Tim died. I don’t think I had it in me to deal with people showing up with casseroles and whatnot. I needed the downtime to figure out my new life and new routines. And for me, I spent a lot of time managing other people’s grief. I needed a break from all that too.
4. Do not wear other people’s stories. People tell stories because it makes the packaging convenient. Brandi, the widow. Phil, with anxiety. Mary who was fired from her job. We’ve all been the star of a story. But that doesn’t mean we have to remain stuck there. Scrutinize your stories and discard those that do not serve you. When you do that, you open yourself up to incredible opportunities.
5. You have received a blessing by knowing how short and precious this one life is. Do something with that. The person that is gone wants you to have a vibrant life. Might we fail when we jump into the unknown? I say no! That is how you test ideas and build grit and determination. Failure is a part of the process. Regret, on the other hand, is something real to fear. At the end of your days, you will not care about what didn’t work out while trying new things. You will care about the things you deny yourself because you were too afraid to try.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?

We all must find ways to let go of fear, guilt, and insecurity.

We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them. :-)

I have the privilege of talking to people building cool stuff every single day. I would say to anyone reading this that if there is someone you want to talk to, don’t wait! In networking, don’t engage in one-sided conversations and assume the other person is not interested in meeting you. Just reach out and say hello. You will be surprised how often people respond to a genuine request for connection.

How can our readers further follow your work online?

I’m very social! You can find all my social links on my website: https://www.brandiholder.com/. Please drop by and say hello! I’d love to meet you.

Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!