Celia Landman On How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected

An interview with Pirie Jones Grossman

Having a relationship with your kids that includes mutual trust, consideration, and care. Even if things are rocky, when I can talk about my feelings and be honest and respectful, I stay connected. When I hear and see them as loveable, I want to contribute to them, and when they see me and are connected, they will make an effort to make my life more wonderful. This is as good as it gets in my assessment.

Parenting is challenging. We all try so hard to give our all to our children. We desperately want them to feel loved and connected. But somehow there is often a disconnect. Perhaps it’s a generational thing, or that we don’t seem to speak the same language as our children, or just all of the “disconnection” that our kids are dealing with in today’s frenetic world. What are steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? As a part of our series about “How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected” we had the pleasure to interview Celia Landman.

Celia Landman, MA (Mindfulness Studies) is a parent, mindfulness educator, Certified Nonviolent Communications trainer, and writer. In 2013, Zen Master Thich Nhat Hahn ordained her as a member of the Plum Village Community of Engaged Buddhism. She works with teens, parents, and folks impacted by trauma, addiction, and anxiety, creating customized mindfulness and communication practices to reconnect wholeness.

Celia’s new book, When the Whole World Tips: Parenting through Crisis with Mindfulness and Balance (Parallax Press, Nov. 21, 2023), describes how to find balance while navigating seemingly impossible parenting situations. Learn more at celialandman.com.

Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to get to know a bit about you. Can you tell us your “childhood backstory”?

I am the eldest daughter in a family of six children born in ten years. I spent much of my childhood caring for younger siblings and believed my value was contingent on contributing to my family and supporting my mother. There was also verbal abuse, rage, and shaming in my childhood home. I carry trauma from my childhood and have worked in therapy and through my spiritual practice of mindfulness, Buddhism, and Nonviolent communication, first to notice, then accept and accompany my trauma. It is an ongoing learning for me to discover how to give myself that acceptance and unconditional regard, and not abandon myself.

I have one child with a significant mental health diagnosis. Parenting her through a suicide attempt while my younger child had a physical injury was a profound test of my practice and learning. I’ve spent the past four years working as an Experiential Mindfulness Educator in a residential mental health treatment center for teens and had the privilege of learning from hundreds of teens about their longings and what makes them whole.

Can you share the story about what brought you to this specific point in your career?

I’ve spent years learning how to heal myself through my spiritual practice, therapy, and educating myself. When my children had health and mental health crises, I had a deep teaching about how I could use my learning, and the wisdom of Buddhism, in particular, to begin to uncouple from that old pattern of enmeshment and believing that I couldn’t be ok, if my kids were not ok. Everything I did, I wanted to come from a place of kindness, both for me and my kids. This meant being aware of my own self-care, something I was taught to overlook when I was busy caring for others. I now see this as the most important part of sustaining a caring presence.

Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the core of our discussion. This is probably intuitive to many, but it would be beneficial to spell it out. Based on your experience or research, can you explain to us why it is so important to forge a strong connection with our children?

The epidemic of anxiety and hopelessness in adolescents is further fueled by reliance on themselves and peers for unconditional regard, empathy, and support. Kids lack the long view and the ability to self-regulate. That’s what makes their relationships volatile and precarious (think Junior High Cliques). Having a relationship with an adult who can see beyond what may look like bad, or harmful behavior and separate the loveable child from the strategy they use to meet a need, gives kids more a sense of home and belonging. When kids feel loved and connected, they can better engage in the stormy weather of peer relationships. When they know they are loveable over time, and really believe it; they do not fall into despair or hopelessness if they have setbacks in their relationships, accomplishments, or social standing. This is a durable love, that can withstand the missteps and repairs of growing up, as compared to a contingent love, that cancels you, if you don’t line up with expectations.

What happens when children do not have that connection, or only have a weak connection?

In my experience, kids are more fragile and get tossed around more by peer relationships. They often lack perspective since they only have access to their developmental view. They often engage in riskier behavior and will do more to fit in socially at the expense of their self-regard and care. They also bottom out more because they do not have as stable foundations that older people can offer.

Do you think children in this generation are less likely to feel loved and connected? Why do you feel the way you do?

We’ve created silos for ages with kids being only with peers. I know since Covid, there is a groundswell of isolation that is still manifesting. We don’t yet know how three years of social distancing is going to manifest. In the US, there is more mobility for jobs and a loss of intergenerational contact. People also find it hard to communicate with families and often not worth the effort for the small satisfaction in return. It is important to keep ourselves safe and set boundaries to keep ourselves safe, and it’s also important to have a sense of security and belonging — doesn’t have to be your biological family, just folks who can show up for you and your kids, no matter what.

We live in a world with incessant demands for our time and attention. There is so much distraction and disconnection. Can you share with our readers 5 steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected?

1. Know your capacity. Check-in with yourself honestly. Do you have the desire, energy, and space to connect? If the answer is no, don’t push. When I am tired or have put off doing my work and rushing, and I try to be there for someone else, I am much more likely to feel irritated and impatient. How I am, transmits. Take time to nurture yourself before you show up for your child. Have a trusted friend or a partner be there for them if you need self-care. You are not an inexhaustible source of nurture.
2. Be here now. When you spend time with your child, come back into the present moment. What’s going on right now? Often our body is there, but we are in our heads, planning the day, paying the bills, or getting ready for something else. Set aside time for the two of you to be together and listen to them. Resist including peers or acting only as a chauffeur for them and their friends. This is building your connection and being fully present with them.
3. Get curious. Ask questions instead of telling them what or who they are. “Was that embarrassing when he told the class your grade because you wanted more privacy? Did I get that right?” Learn how to accompany them in their feelings instead of analyzing, “You’re too sensitive,” Silver lining: “He wants you to do better,” criticizing: “You should have studied, then you wouldn’t be embarrassed,” minimizing their experience, “That’s nothing. He does it for everyone.” or cheerleading, “Next test, you’ll get an A.” Learning how to be there for difficult emotions is a life-changing skill. It gives kids the power to learn to stay present through painful moments and not turn to distractions or negative coping tools.
4. Treat your child with respect and consideration. This may seem obvious, but it’s hugely important, especially with teens. When we talk to our kids, we can be unwittingly bullies or strict timekeepers. We wouldn’t tell our friends they had to do something, or we would punish them, or list all the things they needed to do that day and what they didn’t do. We have more connection and influence when people sense they are respected. I sometimes ask groups of kids, “I want to be respectful and to keep us on track. How is it for you if I say ‘focus’ when someone starts going off-topic? Does that sound respectful? If not, please give me something that would.” Kids hear my intention to connect with them and to say it in a way that works for them. Letting them know their experience matters is relationship gold.
5. Connection before correction. Empathy is not agreement. When I can accompany my child in whatever situation they are in and let them know I get how they feel, I am building the attachment bond between us, letting them know I will not stop loving them. This does not mean I like or approve of their behavior. It may sound like, “I’m thinking when Devi said no you were angry and wanted her to share with you?” after giving empathy and understanding, then let them know, “And when you hit someone they feel something too. What do you think she’s feeling?” Listen to their guesses and offer some of your if they don’t know. “Maybe sad, or hurt, or mad? How do you feel hearing that? And what do you want to do after you hit someone, and they feel upset?” This takes longer than the traditional, “we don’t hit. Say you’re sorry,” and it moves the child into responsibility for their actions, for their impact, and towards making amends, without shaming and blaming them.

How do you define a “good parent”? Can you give an example or story?

I have an aversion to the adjective “good,” because when there’s a good parent, there’s also a “bad” parent. I want to be an authentic parent. Parenting is a moment-by-moment occupation, and we often can’t see the results of our decisions in the short term. Staying connected to my intentions of caring for myself and my child, and offering a compassionate presence is all I can do. If I focus on other’s evaluations or an outcome I can’t control, I lose connection to my power.

How do you inspire your child to “dream big”? Can you give an example or story?

My teacher Thich Nhat Hanh would say that the future is made of the present. The way to care for the future is to pay attention to what’s happening right now. For me, this means kindling the natural curiosity in my child. What do they like and enjoy, then open up that world.

When my daughter was interested in medicine, I found a doctor who agreed to be “interviewed,” by her. If your child likes music, take them to an (age-appropriate) show. If they love art, take them to a museum or find an artist willing to talk to them about art. If they like bugs, find a bug identification guide online, or in print, and go on a bug scavenger hunt, taking photos of bugs. Get interested in their interests.

Talk about your ancestors and their talents. This connects kids with their lineage and is a powerful reminder of the strengths and skills our ancestors possessed and are in us also.

Share your passions. Do you dance in the kitchen, or used to play the drums in high school? Let your kids know you have many sides and skills. You are not just one thing.

How would you define “success” when it comes to raising children?

Having a relationship with your kids that includes mutual trust, consideration, and care. Even if things are rocky, when I can talk about my feelings and be honest and respectful, I stay connected. When I hear and see them as loveable, I want to contribute to them, and when they see me and are connected, they will make an effort to make my life more wonderful. This is as good as it gets in my assessment.

This is a huge topic in itself, but it would be worthwhile to touch upon it here. What are some ideal social media and digital habits that you think parents should teach to their children?

I agree this is a difficult topic, largely because things are changing so fast, and we haven’t seen a lot of data about generations growing up attached to peers on social media vs. before the internet. Current data shows there is a strong correlation between depression and social media use. Limit exposure time and content according to age. As kids mature, they want more freedom, and it’s important that trust and freedom are linked.

Set examples of good digital hygiene and turn off your cell for meals. Have a phone-free day. Limit your digital availability and turn off the Wi-Fi in the evening. Have kids charge devices in a family area (kitchen or living room) not by their beds which can interfere with sleep. One thing my kids loved was when we turned off all the electric lights, lit candles, and pretended we lived before electricity was invented.

What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a better parent? Can you explain why you like them?

The book Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

By Gordon Neufeld, Gabor Maté MD, et al.

This book highlights the cost of peer attachment at the expense of parent and elder attachment and what you can do to connect with your kids.

Book: Respectful Parents Respectful Kids: 7 Keys to Turn Family Conflict into Co-operation. By Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hobson. This book gives concrete training about how to speak with consideration and find a connection with your kids, without being powerless or passive.

Book: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. By Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

This book offers the basic underpinning of NVC, and how to speak and listen to bring about connection and understanding. Useful for any age.

Book: Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain. By Daniel J. Seigel, MD. This book helps understand the developmental stages of teen brains and gives insight into impulsivity and lowered threat assessment teens.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

“Take back your power to make the life you want.” I’ve written this and taped it to my keyboard to remind myself that I have a choice in each moment. When I forget my choices, I can feel imprisoned and trapped. I either have to submit or rebel. When I remember that I can say “no,” and think about what I want, and what aligns with my integrity, I have more choice. I make a life I want to participate in, instead of one I have to participate in.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

I would love to see kids in addition to a yearly physical health check-up, get a mental health check-up. This would begin to normalize the idea of mental healthcare and remove the stigma of shame. It also recognizes that our mental health is not separate from our physical health. The two are inseparable and worthy of care.

Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!

About The Interviewer: Pirie is a TedX speaker, author and a Life Empowerment Coach. She is a co-host of Own your Throne podcast, inspiring women in the 2nd chapter of their lives. With over 20 years in front of the camera, Pirie Grossman understands the power of storytelling. After success in commercials and acting. She spent 10 years reporting for E! Entertainment Television, Entertainment Tonight, also hosted ABC’s “Every Woman”. Her work off-camera capitalizes on her strength, producing, bringing people together for unique experiences. She produced a Children’s Day of Compassion during the Dalai Lama’s visit here in 2005. 10,000 children attended, sharing ideas about compassion with His Holiness. From 2006–2009, Pirie Co-chaired the Special Olympics World Winter Games, in Idaho, welcoming 3,000 athletes from over 150 countries. She founded Destiny Productions to create Wellness Festivals and is an Advisory Board member of the Sun Valley Wellness Board.In February 2017, Pirie produced, “Love is Louder”, a Brain Health Summit, bringing in Kevin Hines, noted suicide survivor to Sun Valley who spoke to school kids about suicide. Sun Valley is in the top 5% highest suicide rate per capita in the Northwest, prompting a community initiative with St. Luke’s and other stake holders, to begin healing. She lives in Sun Valley with her two children, serves on the Board of Community School. She has her Master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica and is an Executive Life Empowerment Coach, where she helps people meet their dreams and goals! The difference between a dream and a goal is that a goal is a dream with a date on it!