Christianne Harrison On How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected
An interview with Pirie Jones Grossman
Children cannot timetable their need for connection — they will seek it when they need it. Let’s take bedtime as an example — you are tired, it’s the end of a busy day, and your child decides this is the time to want to connect. You feel frustrated and your child senses this. A child prefers any connection to no connection and so their behaviour may escalate when you are least able to remain connected. Consider how changing the bedtime routine can allow for connection for you all as a family and become flexible with connection and be kind to yourself, you are not a robot. It’s okay to disconnect when we need to, but we must reconnect as quickly as possible after to repair any ruptures in connection.
Parenting is challenging. We all try so hard to give our all to our children. We desperately want them to feel loved and connected. But somehow there is often a disconnect. Perhaps it’s a generational thing, or that we don’t seem to speak the same language as our children, or just all of the “disconnection” that our kids are dealing with in today’s frenetic world. What are steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? As a part of our series about “How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected” we had the pleasure to interview Christianne Harrison.
Christianne Harrison is a Narcissistic Trauma Informed coach who is passionate about helping families interpret behaviours differently so that they can experience a connected and fulfilling family life. Through her training and lived experience Christianne uses her knowledge and intuition to guide families to the root of their challenges so they can grow together.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to get to know a bit about you. Can you tell us your “childhood backstory”?
I lived with my mum and dad and my 2 older brothers and we had a cat called Squeaky. We lived in a lovely cul-de-sac where we played out in the street and we had a lovely big garden that backed onto allotments. There were lots of other children to play with and we called the other parents auntie and uncle probably because that is what you did back then and also because both of my parents were only children. I had doting grandparents. And then my parents divorced and it all changed.
Can you share the story about what brought you to this specific point in your career?
Covid 19 — when we went into lockdown I was living my best life (or so I thought) teaching privately, French and Spanish to adults in cafes and bars which gave me the flexibility to be around for my daughter. It wasn’t clear in those early weeks if my business would come back and so I took my classes online and began my search for a coaching certification that had long been on my list of things to do and I came across Narcissistic Trauma. Having used what I have trained in to help myself and my family I now coach others to help them explore if narcissistic behaviours are behind their mental health challenges.
Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the core of our discussion. This is probably intuitive to many, but it would be beneficial to spell it out. Based on your experience or research, can you explain to us why it is so important to forge a strong connection with our children?
If we don’t forge a strong connection with our children no-one else can or will. We are all that they have for most of their young lives. Connection may not happen instantly and even if it does, connections can be ruptured. But most importantly they can also be repaired.
What happens when children do not have that connection, or only have a weak connection?
Without a strong connection our children don’t have a starting block to explore from. In those early years our brains are in a hypnotic state, absorbing information and not able to understand what connection is or how to build it. That is the role of the parent. A missing or weak connection can lead to feeling unsafe and unsettled behaviours, but it can be repaired.
Do you think children in this generation are less likely to feel loved and connected? Why do you feel the way you do?
Yes I do think children in this generation are less likely to feel loved and connected. Connection requires parents to be physically and emotionally available to connect with children when the child needs connection. The expectation that both parents will work reduces their availability to connect. The levels of daily stress reduce their ability to emotionally connect also. The expectation from the school system that children can achieve targets which do not allow for natural child development creates a triangle of disconnect between home, school and the child. Being a stay at home parent is the exception rather than the norm and so fewer children have opportunities to connect than before. The pace of life is not in line with the development of a child and their need for connection at different stages of life which doesn’t fit with the demands of full-time work.
We live in a world with incessant demands for our time and attention. There is so much distraction and disconnection. Can you share with our readers 5 steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? Please include examples or stories for each, if you can.
Children cannot timetable their need for connection — they will seek it when they need it. Let’s take bedtime as an example — you are tired, it’s the end of a busy day, and your child decides this is the time to want to connect. You feel frustrated and your child senses this. A child prefers any connection to no connection and so their behaviour may escalate when you are least able to remain connected. Consider how changing the bedtime routine can allow for connection for you all as a family and become flexible with connection and be kind to yourself, you are not a robot. It’s okay to disconnect when we need to, but we must reconnect as quickly as possible after to repair any ruptures in connection.
Gather your children when you collect them. The temptation is to jump into conversation “how are you?” “how was your day? Transitions are stressful for children such as school drop off and after school and we can learn how to soften these daily transitions by connecting with basic needs first — have drinks and snacks available for you all. Allow time to connect with yourself as a person before coming home from work so that when you arrive at home you are ready to connect or communicate that you need 10 minutes when you come home to transition. Create space for reconnecting daily. Connection takes 10 minutes. Create windows of 10 minutes as often as you can to be available and without.
Pause and consider all behaviours are connection seeking, even our own. Become aware of how your response to their need for connection is coming from your feelings of fear and disconnect rather than love and connection. If you had a stressful childhood your parenting journey may trigger your own feelings of fear and disconnect and you may subconsciously project your need for reassurance onto your children and feel rejected when they do not respond in a way that helps you feel better. They do no thave the cognitive ability to help you with this and they are not deliberately pushing your buttons even though you may feel that they are. Get curious about your own triggers and seek ways to release those feelings safely and slowly away from your children. Teach them how to release their emotions slowly and safely once you have learnt this yourself. Its a skills gap for many of us. We only know what we know.
Shared interests are not always possible — just because you love something doesn’t mean they will — take sporting interests for example — you can only be a “soccer mom” if your child wants to play football — they may not want to, they may not like the game, or the people or your interest in it may be overpowering and be more about your needs than theirs — give them space to discover what is right for them and be ready to accept the feelings of disappointment and learn how to sit with those feelings and release them rather than project that feeling onto your child. They spend 5 days a week in a setting where they don’t get to choose what happens to them or who they are with. Allowing time for them to decompress allows them to connect with you because they feel seen, heard and validated (even if they can’t speak yet).
Connection changes over time — be ready to be flexible and find a pathway to connection that works for your child and your family even when wider family or friends consider your approach to be unusual or different from the norm. Take texting your child for example — instead of shouting up the stairs or from one room to another, using technology to give your child the opportunity to finish the game, finish the tv programme, decide for themselves how to behave. Allow time for them to switch off devices and connect with you. As we all age our connection needs will change and we must become flexible in how we connect and be ready to explore new ways often.
How do you define a “good parent”? Can you give an example or story?
A good parent is one who shows up, and continues to show up, one who continues to get curious about how to connect with their child, understand and then meet the child’s needs as much as possible. When I reflect on what most parents say about “not making the same mistakes their parents did” I pause and reflect because none of us can meet all of our child’s needs. It takes time to work out what those needs are, it takes time to get to know our child, the world is changing all the time and changes impact us all differently. We have to make decisions as parents in the moment every day and we don’t get a dress rehearsal. Being able to reflect and apologise for the choices we made that had a negative impact builds connection. We can grow connections from negative outcomes, if we choose to reflect and repair. This can be learnt because it is not an easy thing to do.
How do you inspire your child to “dream big”? Can you give an example or story?
By breaking down actions into very small steps that are accessible. For example, I had a friend whose child wanted to be a property developer and they asked someone they knew how to get into property development and they were told about the three jars. The three jars is a way to manage money from a young age. Splitting any money that is received or earned into three separate jars. 50% for what you need, 30% for what you want, 20% savings. By giving a child the first step they can become curious themselves about how to get to the next step. Encouraging them to ask for help and considering how to get there and focusing on the skills we gather on the journey as steps for achieving our dreams.
How would you define “success” when it comes to raising children?
An ongoing communication and connection that continues to create opportunities for shared experiences and a feeling of fulfilment for the family unit. Raising children is a lifetime commitment which will have many successes and failures along the way, the success comes from the ability to learn and practice rupture and repair.
This is a huge topic in itself, but it would be worthwhile to touch upon it here. What are some ideal social media and digital habits that you think parents should teach to their children?
The use of timers is my first thought, to enable a child to learn about how quickly time passes, how long it takes to achieve certain tasks, how long it takes to meet basic needs, how long it takes to get to places, get dressed, cook a meal, there are only 24 hours in a day and how we spend our time impacts our opportunities for connection.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a better parent? Can you explain why you like them?
The book you wish your parents had read (and your children will be glad that you did) — Philippa Perry. I loved this book as it opens up the curiosity about why our parents made the choices they did and how that can lead us to make similar choices even if we think we are doing it differently.
Hold onto your kids — Dr Gabor Mate — opening my eyes to the importance of gathering our children, how the way we live today and our school system pushes our children to rely on peers who don’t have the emotional skills to actually help each other.
The body keeps the score — Dr Bessel Van Der Kolk — everybody has a childhood, everybody experiences a trauma at some point in their life — being alone and unsupported in those moments can lead to chronic stress in childhood. This book changed my perception of mental health conditions and led me to become a coach.
Differently Wired — Deborah Reber — this book provides practical actions to change the way we parent to understand behaviours in children from a connection approach.
Trauma Informed Parenting workshop — Suzanne Scott — TIP is a charity in Scotland that offers free workshops to parents to help support them as they navigate their parenting journey.
Can you please give us your favourite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“All behaviour is connection seeking” — this quote has allowed me to shift my perspective away from the shame and judgement that all behaviour is attention seeking and has allowed me to connect with myself, my family and others. It has also given me permission to put in place healthier boundaries with my time and energy.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
We all had a childhood and we all have a body with a nervous system. I would love to inspire a movement to encourage people to explore their childhoods without blaming or shaming our parents before they become parents themselves. This will create a connection with themselves and an understanding of what skills they want to learn to become emotionally and physically available for their children breaking the cycle of intergenerational patterns.
Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!
About The Interviewer: Pirie is a TedX speaker, author and a Life Empowerment Coach. She is a co-host of Own your Throne podcast, inspiring women in the 2nd chapter of their lives. With over 20 years in front of the camera, Pirie Grossman understands the power of storytelling. After success in commercials and acting. She spent 10 years reporting for E! Entertainment Television, Entertainment Tonight, also hosted ABC’s “Every Woman”. Her work off-camera capitalizes on her strength, producing, bringing people together for unique experiences. She produced a Children’s Day of Compassion during the Dalai Lama’s visit here in 2005. 10,000 children attended, sharing ideas about compassion with His Holiness. From 2006–2009, Pirie Co-chaired the Special Olympics World Winter Games, in Idaho, welcoming 3,000 athletes from over 150 countries. She founded Destiny Productions to create Wellness Festivals and is an Advisory Board member of the Sun Valley Wellness Board.In February 2017, Pirie produced, “Love is Louder”, a Brain Health Summit, bringing in Kevin Hines, noted suicide survivor to Sun Valley who spoke to school kids about suicide. Sun Valley is in the top 5% highest suicide rate per capita in the Northwest, prompting a community initiative with St. Luke’s and other stake holders, to begin healing. She lives in Sun Valley with her two children, serves on the Board of Community School. She has her Master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica and is an Executive Life Empowerment Coach, where she helps people meet their dreams and goals! The difference between a dream and a goal is that a goal is a dream with a date on it!
