Christie Ellis Of Phoenix Story Coaching On How Authenticity and Vulnerability Pay Off and Help You Win Personally and Professionally
An Interview With Maria Angelova
Being inauthentic is like walking around in shoes that are two sizes too small. You will be miserable and in pain. It will be exhausting and excruciating to walk around in them.
Being vulnerable and authentic are some of today’s popular buzzwords. It may seem counterintuitive to be vulnerable, as many of us have been taught to project an air of confidence, be a boss, and act like we know everything. In Brene Brown’s words, “vulnerability takes courage.” So is vulnerability a strength or a weakness? Can someone be authentic without being vulnerable? How can being authentic and vulnerable help someone grow both personally and professionally? In this interview series, we are talking to business leaders, mental health professionals and business and life coaches who can share stories and examples of “How Authenticity and Vulnerability Pay Off and Help You Win Personally and Professionally.” As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Christie Ellis.
Christie Ellis is the founder of Phoenix Story Coaching, an executive and personal coaching practice based on positive psychology in which she uses science-backed strategies to help individuals and teams create greater well-being and find their way through life and business challenges. As a Certified Professional Coach, Ellis has over 20 years of experience studying positive psychology, mindfulness and behavior change. Ellis is a 5x business creator who runs four successful businesses today in the worlds of commercial real estate, finance and luxury hospitality in addition to her coaching. Her own story with overcoming trauma, cancer caregiving, chronic illness and business failure inspired Ellis to coach others who are seeking help to rise above adversity.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
I grew up outside Atlanta. I was a well-loved child, but despite all that love, I also suffered abuse.
The resulting trauma from the abuse impacted me in many ways, both big and small. For one, I learned to be super independent. I was the only person I trusted to have my back.
For another, I struggled with perfectionism. I went to a school for gifted children and got sick each morning before I left for school. That is the kind of pressure I was putting on myself to “be great.”
I also became deeply connected to animals and to nature, because I think they make me feel safe.
I never felt at home in the South. I knew I would leave as soon as I could, and I did. I was fortunate to have several short stints traveling abroad in Germany, Russia, and later England and Italy. I moved to New York City before I graduated from college and never looked back.
I feel the book that best describes my growing up is Where the Wild Things Are. I’ve always been described as a big personality and I had so many big feelings raging. Peace for me came when I realized I knew how to love myself and all my big ugly feelings, too.
Just like Max in the book, in the end after many trials and travails, I discovered my dinner was still hot.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“Leap and the net will appear” from the naturalist John Burroughs. It has been my guiding principle since I was 20 years old.
I put the quote right into practice as I began at an acting conservatory. Acting training is great training for life. You must learn to fearlessly see all parts of yourself — the good and the bad — and to really listen to other people.
When you are in a place of suffering, it is so easy to believe that suffering is the only thing the world can offer to you. It is much too easy to just live in your status quo and stop trying.
But somehow, I knew, before I ever studied positive psychology, that we create our own reality. We don’t choose our circumstances, but we do choose our relationship to them.
“Leap and the net will appear” embodied every chance I took when I was a 20 years old acting student, and it embodies every chance I take today. The quote is a constant reminder that hope is a courageous act and that if you fearlessly pursue the life you want, the world will rush to meet you.
I haven’t been wrong. I still believe in doing big scary things, not knowing how it will work out, but leaping towards the world I want to create anyway.
Is there a particular book, podcast, or film that made a significant impact on you? Can you share a story or explain why it resonated with you so much?
I’m a big reader and film watcher, so this is a difficult one to answer.
I’m going to choose the movie Birth, because it’s the reason I left the acting profession, a decision that really shaped every aspect of the rest of my life.
Birth is an incredible indie film starring Nicole Kidman. No one wanted to make that film, so in order to get it made, Kidman had to agree to a 3-picture deal. The other two movies were Bewitched and The Stepford Wives. In my opinion, those movies are garbage.
I remember when I heard about the 3-picture deal, I thought Nicole Kidman, the best actress of her generation, had to make two garbage movies to get one good one. That means she is only spending a third of her time doing something worthwhile.
Then I thought if that’s the best I can aspire to, that’s not enough for me. I need to spend most of my life doing things that have a purpose. Right then and there I decided that I would never audition for an acting job again — and I never did.
Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion. Let’s begin with a definition of terms so that each of us and our readers are on the same page. What exactly does being authentic mean?
When we are babies, it isn’t hard to be authentic — you just are. By the time you are a young child, you develop imaginary friends to play with who enjoy your true self.
However, when we get a little older — typically between eight and 12 years old — we trade our imaginary friends for imaginary judges. We become terrified of not measuring up to the standards of others. And for many of us, we never trade those judges to find something better.
Being authentic is the process of rediscovering who you are and letting go of what others have told you that you SHOULD be.
Being authentic doesn’t mean you have all the answers. What it means is that even when you don’t know the answers, you can express what that feels like to you, without hiding.
What does being vulnerable mean? Can you explain?
Vulnerability is being authentic when you are in fear.
Authenticity comes from a place of confidence, self-trust and self-knowing. Vulnerability is sharing that authentic self, but without the confidence and trust that you’re going to be okay. It’s when you’re authentic, but with that imaginary judge in action.
Karaoke clubs are a great place to see the difference between authenticity and vulnerability. Some people, even with really bad voices, can get up, belt out a song and have a lot of fun doing it. They are okay with who they are.
Yet, someone else, who truly loves to sing and is really good at it, can be absolutely terrified of karaoke. They go up, sing amazingly well, but are miserable. Though authentic, they are so worried about the opinions of others that they can’t enjoy their authentic expression. Instead, they fear the judgment and rejection of others.
What are the positive aspects of being authentic and vulnerable? Can you give a story or example to explain what you mean?
Humans are social creatures. Though we have different levels of social need, all our success comes from connection. We desire to know others and to be known by others.
When we reconnect with our authentic selves, we start to find success in every area of our lives.
Because authentic people know who they are and what they really want, it becomes easier to create the right goals and pursue them in productive ways. And because authentic people know how to offer their true selves to others, people are drawn to them.
We LOVE being with authentic people, because we want to be more like them.
When we can offer our authentic selves to others, more often than not, they are so happy to have the experience of real connection — even when that real connection is unpleasant.
I have a business story about a failure of mine that showcases this really well. When I was simultaneously going through cancer and cancer caregiving, it will come as no surprise that I was struggling.
I desperately wanted to get back to my routine, and returned to work much sooner than I should have. Taking on way too much way too early, one client’s project got completely lost in the shuffle. He tried reaching out to me, but I was too overwhelmed.
He finally wrote a very angry email telling me how unprofessional I had been and that he wanted a refund. He was right.
I wrote him an email back immediately and told him he had every reason to be angry and frustrated. I told him that he deserved better. And I meant every word.
I also let him know about my diagnosis and my struggle. I told him I would refund him immediately, or if he preferred, I could turn over his project to one of my employees to complete the work immediately.
He decided to stay with us.
I could never have written that email to him if I was worried about his judgment, or if I was afraid that my failure on this one project meant that I was somehow a failure at business, life and everything in between. I couldn’t have written that email if I was afraid to be honest about my cancer diagnosis, or ashamed of the real limitations I faced at that time.
Shame is a connection and success killer. It’s also an authenticity killer. But when you allow for your authentic, messy, imperfect humanity to show up, success can’t help but find you.
In terms of vulnerability, it is the gateway to authenticity. Learning to take small risks, to allow yourself to be vulnerable in a way that feels uncomfortable, but not impossible, will grow your confidence.
You’ll learn that when you share who you are, you are always capable of handling the response other people have to you. And you’ll start noticing things like you are closer to the people you care about, you close more sales, you have more energy and more joy, too.
Are there negative aspects to authenticity and vulnerability? Can you give a story or example to explain what you mean?
I don’t think there are negative aspects, but there are risks.
When you start showing up as your true self, you will attract YOUR people into your life; they will see you and be drawn to you. But at the same token, people who are NOT your people will show themselves to the door and out of your life. It can be painful to care about people who you realize don’t care about the real you.
It’s also a risk that you can become too vulnerable too quickly. To use my karaoke analogy, if you’re afraid to even let people know the kind of music you like, it’s probably too soon to get on stage and belt out your favorite tune. Moving into your vulnerability too quickly can backfire, resulting in a very uncomfortable stress response that can last for a long time.
Finally, there is the risk that you weaponize your authenticity. In my response to your first question, I noted the abuse I experienced as a child. But I deliberately did not provide details of how or by whom.
Though the details of what happened to me as a kid are true to me, it is also true that I could create a lot of damage in the lives of others by sharing them. I am not saying that abuse survivors should never share these details, but I am saying that the excuse of “I’m just being real” is never a valid reason to hurt others.
If you find yourself about to say, “no offense, but,” realize that you’re about to weaponize your authentic thoughts.
Authenticity isn’t a sword — it’s an invitation. When you show up with yours, others are more able to show up with theirs.
From your experience or perspective, what are some of the common barriers that hold someone back from being authentic and vulnerable?
It always comes back to fear and anxiety. Always. When you are trying to mask your true self, it is because you are worried it’s not safe for you to be you, whether that is in your work, dating life or friendships.
It’s also true that many people don’t realize how inauthentic they are. If someone is striving for perfection in every moment in all things, that’s coming from fear.
I do want to make clear, though, that some people have very legitimate and appropriate reasons to mask themselves. Minority communities of all types have felt the need to mask their cultural identities in order to create safety for themselves. Neurodivergent communities have felt the need to mask because society has been uncomfortable with their authentic expressions.
Here is the central question of our discussion. What are five ways that being authentic and vulnerable pay off, and help you win, both personally and professionally?
Being inauthentic is like walking around in shoes that are two sizes too small. You will be miserable and in pain. It will be exhausting and excruciating to walk around in them.
Can you imagine doing a great job in a sales pitch, feeling connected on a date or enjoying a hike with friends if your feet are bloodied? Can you imagine doing your best problem solving or coming up with your best creative ideas when all you can think about is how badly your blisters are burning?
Being authentic gives you the opposite experience. You have more energy, greater creativity, increased connection, self-confidence and joy. That’s five payoffs, personally and professionally.
One of my favorite lectures to give is about anxiety. I share my own, and within two minutes of taking the stage, I have the audience completely focused on me and rooting for me to succeed. It’s my authenticity. People can’t look away. They so want for their own humanness to be okay, to be enough, that when you show them yours, you show them everything they want to do for themselves, but haven’t figured out how to yet.
If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?
If I could do anything in the world, it just might be doing what I am already doing: helping others examine their thoughts and recognize we create so much of our own suffering. And then help provide a pathway to change.
I think most people don’t realize they can create their own rescue. My course, Joyful Life Design, is designed exactly for this purpose — providing strategies and tools to help folks discover how to work with their own minds to have joyful, successful and authentic lives.
So much violence, greed, sadness, loneliness, anxiety and depression would cease if people understood the power of their own minds to transform their lives.
Heaven and hell are real places — they exist inside our minds. I want to help and inspire people to choose heaven.
Is there a person in the world whom you would love to have lunch with, and why? Maybe we can tag them and see what happens!
Unlike your movie question, it’s impossible for me to choose just one. So I’m going to cheat and choose two: singer/songwriter Brandi Carlile and research scientist and podcaster Lex Fridman.
In their own ways, they each excel at what I aspire to.
Brandi has an incredible ability to create family and connection everywhere she goes. I see her perform every chance I can, and even took my parents to one of her concerts. Her authenticity is mesmerizing. I would love to be more like her.
Lex brings his curiosity and non-judgmental approach to the incredible interviews he does. The love for and acceptance of people, the love of learning that he showcases and offers to both his guests and his audience just make me happy.
I would work with these two on anything they might ask, any time, any place. Really — I’d be happy just to make them coffee. Lex! Brandi! Hit me up!
How can our readers follow you online?
I frequently offer free consults, so reaching out through my website is the way to get 1:1 love from me.
To watch from afar though, I have promised my followers I would post daily to TikTok for a full year. Hopefully, this will make my work on resilience visible and show what it looks like when a positive psychology coach uses what she teaches to achieve her own big dreams.
My goal this year is to help 1,000 people grow gritty, happy and successful in Joyful Life Design. If TikTok isn’t your thing, you can also find me on LinkedIn.
Website: https://www.phoenixstorycoaching.com/
TikTok: @phoenix_story
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/christie-ellis-coach/
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
About The Interviewer: Maria Angelova, MBA is a disruptor, author, motivational speaker, body-mind expert, Pilates teacher and founder and CEO of Rebellious Intl. As a disruptor, Maria is on a mission to change the face of the wellness industry by shifting the self-care mindset for consumers and providers alike. As a mind-body coach, Maria’s superpower is alignment which helps clients create a strong body and a calm mind so they can live a life of freedom, happiness and fulfillment. Prior to founding Rebellious Intl, Maria was a Finance Director and a professional with 17+ years of progressive corporate experience in the Telecommunications, Finance, and Insurance industries. Born in Bulgaria, Maria moved to the United States in 1992. She graduated summa cum laude from both Georgia State University (MBA, Finance) and the University of Georgia (BBA, Finance). Maria’s favorite job is being a mom. Maria enjoys learning, coaching, creating authentic connections, working out, Latin dancing, traveling, and spending time with her tribe. To contact Maria, email her at angelova@rebellious-intl.com. To schedule a free consultation, click here.
