Darcie Brown On 5 Things We Can Each Do To Help Solve The Loneliness Epidemic

Be proactive in reaching out to each one of your friends. Sometimes we don’t realize that the person who seems to have it all together is actually struggling. We don’t always know what someone is feeling so it’s great to be proactive in checking in on your friends. You might naturally think to check on the single friend who lives alone, but don’t forget the married friend who just had a baby. We all experience bits of loneliness at times, so reaching out is a proactive way to open the door for deeper connection.

As a part of my interview series about the ‘5 Things We Can Each Do Help Solve The Loneliness Epidemic’, I had the pleasure to interview Darcie Brown.

Darcie Brown, JD, MA, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in San Diego, CA. Darcie is passionate about living an authentic and purposeful life and supporting her clients in understanding themselves on a deeper level and creating a life that makes them feel content and fulfilled. Darcie has been quoted as a mental health expert in Women’s Health, Bustle, Better by Today, and Best Life and has contributed articles to media outlets including Medium, Elite Daily, and U.S. News & World Report.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you share your “backstory” with us? What was it that led you to your eventual career choice?

I am currently a licensed therapist in private practice, but this wasn’t my first career. While I majored in psychology in undergrad, I decided to go to law school after college and became an attorney. After practicing law for several years, I came to the conclusion that being an attorney wasn’t right for me. Lots of reflection and exploration led me back to my undergrad major of psychology and I started graduate school to become a Marriage and Family Therapist. I grew so much during this process. I feel proud of the courage it took to acknowledge that I was unfulfilled as an attorney and then to take the leap to start a new career, one that required even more education. I also gained confidence in my ability not only to recognize when I’m unhappy but also to change course as needed.

Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started your career?

Part of what helped me to return to psychology and become a therapist was identifying my core values. I often do a values exercise with my clients because it helps them to understand if their current actions are actually leading them down the path that they would like to go or if it’s leading them away from the life they desire. When I transitioned from law to therapy, I chose to start my own practice as I wanted to be my own boss and determine the hours that I wanted to work. While being a business owner isn’t for everyone, I found that it aligned with my core value of freedom. I think it’s incredibly helpful to know and understand your values as it relates to both your career and your life as a whole.

Can you share a story about the most humorous mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson or takeaway you learned from that?

I chose to go to law school because I wanted an “impressive” career. I wasn’t actually thinking about whether or not I would be happy as an attorney. I realize now that my actions were informed by wanting to make my parents proud rather than because it truly felt authentic. However, looking back, I wouldn’t say that going to law school was a mistake because I grew so much during those years and came to understand just how important it is for my choices to be for me and not for anyone else.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?

When I’m not seeing clients, I enjoy writing mental health content for a variety of media outlets. I believe that everyone needs access to free resources to support them in having the best relationships possible, tips to work through hard times, and information that normalizes mental health issues. While I would love for everyone to be able to go to therapy, I realize that this isn’t necessarily possible so I value writing content that anyone can read and benefit from. (All of my writing and features can be read here.)

Can you share with our readers a bit about why you are an authority on the topic of the Loneliness Epidemic?

Loneliness was one of the most common reasons that clients came to me for therapy during COVID. While that surge has lessened to some extent, loneliness is still a common experience, one that often comes up in the therapy room. We have all experienced loneliness at some point in our lives, myself included. It’s a very relatable issue, one that deserves paying attention to how and when it shows up for each one of us.

Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the main focus of our interview. According to this story in Time, loneliness is becoming an increasing health threat not just in the US, but across the world. Can you articulate for our readers 3 reasons why being lonely and isolated can harm one’s health?

1. From an evolutionary perspective, humans needed to be able to connect with others to survive. They had to find their tribe and rely on each other. Without one another, their life was more vulnerable to danger. The need to be connected and have support continues today despite not needing to rely on others literally for survival. We thrive when we are in community with others. Even though each of us has to make decisions for ourselves, we do best when we have a community of people who rely on us and on whom we rely.
2. I once read that people who are in secure relationships often feel more confident to take risks because they know that they have someone to lean on if the risk doesn’t turn out as they’d hoped. The flip side is that we are less likely to take chances in life when we don’t have strong connections. Having the support of friends, family members, and/or a partner can be the stable foundation that gives us the confidence to make changes and really go after what we want in life.
3. Loneliness is a gateway to additional physical and mental health issues. While there’s some debate over which comes first — a health issue or loneliness — there’s no dispute that they are interconnected. When we feel alone, we often feel sad and sometimes even hopeless. These negative emotions impact the body physically and can cause increased alcohol consumption, disrupted sleep, and inflammation which can lead to heart disease, type 2 diabetes, cancer, and more.

On a broader societal level, in which way is loneliness harming our communities and society?

The more disconnected we are from those around us, the more that we create the feeling of being “other” or “separate” from people in our community and society. When we feel that people are more different than similar to us, there’s a higher likelihood of discord and conflict within communities and society.

The irony of having a loneliness epidemic is glaring. We are living in a time where more people are connected to each other than ever before in history. Our technology has the power to connect billions of people in one network, in a way that was never possible. Yet despite this, so many people are lonely. Why is this? Can you share 3 of the main reasons why we are facing a loneliness epidemic today? Please give a story or an example for each.

1. Even though we are more connected than ever, connections are more superficial than ever. From dating apps fueling “snap” decisions about a person based on their looks to texting as a primary mode of communication, modern society is fueling more ways to connect but in more shallow and unfulfilling ways. People are more afraid than ever of being judged, publicly called out or ridiculed, and ghosted. As a result, they are more prone to disengaging than engaging with others.
2. Comparison and the fear of missing out are two products of social media which can lead to feeling lonely and disconnected from others. With apps that modify appearance and single snapshots giving the illusion of a perfect day, it’s easy to believe that someone else’s life is perfect and then wonder why yours isn’t. Since it’s possible to consume endless content, it can be hard not to get caught up in comparison and remember that what most people put out on social media are their best moments.
3. Everyone has a cell phone these days, so much so that it’s basically an appendage. Often, even when we are with friends, we’ll pull out our cell phones to check our texts and social media. This behavior can be really hurtful in a social setting and lead to our friend feeling unimportant. And when someone feels unimportant, they are more likely to pull away. The net effect of this can be a decrease in the number of social connections which can lead to feelings of loneliness.

Ok. It is not enough to talk about problems without offering possible solutions. In your experience, what are the 5 things each of us can do to help solve the Loneliness Epidemic? Please give a story or an example for each.

1. Choose in person meetings over virtual. Texting and DMing on social media are quick ways to feel connected but often aren’t as meaningful and impactful as meeting in person. It certainly takes more work to meet up in person, but the face-to-face interactions often are deeper and more authentic than virtual ones.
2. Find your tribe. I commonly hear clients talk about how hard it is to make friends. Aside from school and work, it certainly takes effort to find people that you connect with. I recommend starting with your interests. For example, if you enjoy playing volleyball or kickball, join a league. Or if painting or writing is your thing, try out a class. It’s a lot easier to say hello to a stranger when you share a common bond. I’ve made mom friends by going to the park and walking up to a mom with a child about the same age as my son. It feels slightly awkward, but once you push past that, you might be surprised at how easy it is to find people who “get” you.
3. Go to therapy. Therapy can be a safe place to explore the why behind your feelings of loneliness as well as provide support and treatment for any underlying mental health issues. A therapist can also problem-solve and brainstorm ways for you to increase your social support at your pace and in ways that feel okay for you.
4. Get off social media. The fear of missing out and the comparison game are two reasons why social media can exacerbate feelings of loneliness. While social media can have the benefit of connecting us with people we otherwise wouldn’t meet, it can also spark negative thoughts and self-talk. If you notice this happening for you, it might be helpful to limit your consumption.
5. Be proactive in reaching out to each one of your friends. Sometimes we don’t realize that the person who seems to have it all together is actually struggling. We don’t always know what someone is feeling so it’s great to be proactive in checking in on your friends. You might naturally think to check on the single friend who lives alone, but don’t forget the married friend who just had a baby. We all experience bits of loneliness at times, so reaching out is a proactive way to open the door for deeper connection.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

I’d love to see self-care, communication strategies, and relationship tools become more integrated into school curriculums. Often the extent of what we learn is what was modeled for us by family members and what we see on TV and social media. While these sources might be helpful, society can absolutely do more to set kids up for relational and personal success in adulthood.

We are blessed that some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them :-)

I’d have to share a meal with @brenebrown. She’s done an incredible amount of work to support the mental health community. Her work on shame, vulnerability, and showing up for yourself is transformational. I’ve loved reading her books and often recommend them to clients.

How can our readers further follow your work online?

Readers can check out all of my work here. If you are a California resident and would like to explore the possibility of working with me, check out my website here. You can also connect with me on Instagram and LinkedIn.

Thank you so much for these insights. This was so inspiring, and so important!