Diane Kolanović-Šolaja Of Dee Kay Events On How Authenticity and Vulnerability Pay Off and Help You Win Personally and Professionally
An Interview With Maria Angelova
Building trust starts at a place of connection. To earn that trust, you must be authentic. When people have a safe space to share their opinions, and a place to be heard, they are likelier to come to you for advice or recommend you to others. When you hold space for others and share yourself, your peers will respect your values and opinions, and vice versa. You may not always agree with each other, which builds respect. The mutual agreement is that you are different but appreciate each other’s work style, business model, or way of life.
Being vulnerable and authentic are some of today’s popular buzzwords. It may seem counterintuitive to be vulnerable, as many of us have been taught to project an air of confidence, be a boss, and act like we know everything. In Brene Brown’s words, “vulnerability takes courage.” So is vulnerability a strength or a weakness? Can someone be authentic without being vulnerable? How can being authentic and vulnerable help someone grow both personally and professionally? In this interview series, we are talking to business leaders, mental health professionals and business and life coaches who can share stories and examples of “How Authenticity and Vulnerability Pay Off and Help You Win Personally and Professionally.” As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Diane Kolanović-Šolaja.
With an unwavering passion for people, Diane Kolanović-Šolaja, Creative Director and Owner of Dee Kay Events, creates unique weddings along the beautiful Jersey Shore and worldwide that honor individuality, inclusivity, and meaningful impact. Growing up Croatian-American, along with her creative spirit and seasoned work experience, gives Diane a unique ability to incorporate meaningful experiences with a chic luxury twist. With a “connection first” mindset, Diane gives clients a once-in-a-lifetime experience seeking extraordinary wedding designs filled with heartfelt, joyous celebrations.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
It is an honor to have this opportunity! Thank you so much for having me.
I was born to immigrant parents from Croatia and grew up in Central New Jersey near the Jersey Shore. I have two older brothers, and I compare my upbringing to the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding.” Lots of cousins, involvement, Croatian school classes, and endless funny stories and anecdotes of the Motherland. Growing up surrounded by a big family, the importance of embracing my culture and being proud of where I come from was always at the forefront of my upbringing.
My parents made a great effort to visit our family back in Croatia as often as possible. I was the most privileged to have this experience since my parents were more financially stable once I was born. My first language is Croatian, and it was essential to my parents that I continue to study the language. As parishioners of the Sts. Cyril & Methodius & St. Raphael’s Catholic Croatian Church, I would attend Croatian School every Friday night for many years. The language classes evolved into joining the cultural dance group Kardinal Stepinac which celebrated and taught us the Croatian folk dancing of “kolo,” a traditional circle dance that is an integrative part of the culture. Since classes were on weekends, I lived a double life of being American during the week (typical New Jersey things) and Croatian on the weekends with all the extracurricular activities. I never attended traditional summer camp during the summers. Instead, I visited my family and my grandparents in the quaint fishing village of Privlaka, Croatia — my father’s childhood home. (The sea has a captivating hold on my heart; it’s not hard to understand why.) While my American friends enjoyed the pool, the Jersey Shore, and state fairs, I walked cobblestone and pebble paths, had all my cousins who live on the same street, and explored the crystal clear Adriatic beaches, and feeding my grandmother’s chickens in her yard. This privilege has shaped me to my core.
During the Croatian War of Independence between 1991 and 1995, my parents decided it would be best to stay in the United States until things were safer. I did not realize how these years impacted my life: the stress and the underlying anxiety. My memories of this time were long-awaited phone calls from my grandparents to make sure they were alive, my father fine turning his shortwave radio to listen to a newscast of what was happening locally in our village, and the consistent background noise of the CNN broadcast of the war. As an 11-year-old, hearing your grandmother cry that your first cousin has died in the war never leaves your heart. My parents were involved with the war effort, so I was with them side-by-side at peaceful protests in NYC and Washington, D.C., for the movement for a Free Croatia. I still remember packing boxes of donations at our home and bringing them to our church to send to all of the victims of war. Without my knowledge, my mother put my name and address into random shirts or pant pockets pants we donated. I received letters from refugees thanking me. Can you even imagine how impactful that is as an adolescent?
Simply writing this text wells my eyes with tears. Until recently, specifically during the tragedies in Ukraine, I realized how much the war, for which we had the privilege of not being there, impacted my life. I could not watch the scenes of children fleeing their homes and not be put right back to worrying about our homeland war.
Once the war was over, our family was able to visit again. We went back for a visit in 1996, the most impactful trip of my adolescence. The last time I was there, I was a child, but I am now on the verge of becoming an adult. But, to see my cousins and my friends was a transformative experience. I sat with them and heard their stories during the war. I cried with them. I couldn’t imagine what they went through. I was still so much a child, and they aged way beyond their years.
Although I was born in the U.S., I still feel like an immigrant 50% of the time. Specific expectations of my identity and beliefs can sometimes be challenging to navigate. It wasn’t until recently that I realized it’s OK to be yourself without fitting into a particular box or societal norms. I never knew if I was really “Croatian” or “American” at times. I sometimes still struggle with the dichotomy of my being. But now, I am confident and realize how special it is to be both. I’m the most Jersey Shore girl you could meet, but also the most ethnic Croatian at the same time. Meeting Croatians who don’t know I speak the language fluently is fun. It always throws them for a loop.
If not for my upbringing, I would not have had the opportunities or the experiences that have shaped who I am. Some lessons learned are how to be independent, take risks, stand up for what is just, and, most importantly, always remember where we came from. My father still reminds us often why he loves the U.S. so much. It’s the country that gave us life.
I started as a pre-law student pursuing the dream of being a U.S. ambassador to Croatia because of all the time I spent advocating with my family and helping war-torn Croatian communities. With time, I slowly peeled back what I truly wanted to do. I have had the privilege of serving in many corporate law, technology, and communications roles. I worked as V.P. of People and Culture and General Manager for large global companies. My career has allowed me to gain experience in each field. Having extensive experience within esteemed law firms, leading a software start-up firm, spearheading my non-profit organization for Croatian-Americans, and establishing my business has allowed me to gain an incomparable outlook on life and the corporate world. I also started a non-profit organization to promote education and unity among young Croatian American professionals (Croatians of New York & L.A. “CNYLA”), began the first Croatians Cruise bringing together Croatian-American professionals, and have had some published articles have viral success, such as “Top Ten Reasons You Should Date a Croatian!” My seasoned experience is where I learned that my love for celebrations and gatherings could blossom into an event planning career, and I’ve been hooked ever since.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
During the past few years, I have gone through a miscarriage, IVF, the birth of our precious daughter, and a recent adulthood diagnosis of ADHD that was missed as a child, all while navigating a pandemic and entering this strange world called mid-life. The overwhelm, anxiety, ups and downs, depression, wins, and losses have clarified what matters in life. While navigating through all of this, I felt very down on the “success” of my business. I was not where I wanted to be yet. My husband looked at me and said, “You are way too hard on yourself. How can you expect a full-time result with a part-time effort?” Mind. Blown. It was the most concise advice that I have ever received. Why am I comparing myself to everyone else when my path has its struggles? Once we had our daughter, everything changed, and I was beating myself up and not realizing that being a parent is another full-time job. I finally made a new business plan that reflected and supported our new life.
I wish someone had told me this when I first started my business. It takes time to be successful. Nothing is overnight. We need to beat ourselves up less and practice patience. The rewards would be less fun if we all had everything we wanted immediately. It is about the journey.
Is there a particular book, podcast, or film that made a significant impact on you? Can you share a story or explain why it resonated with you so much?
My brother passed suddenly in 2008. It will be 15 years without him this year. When I crossed this road of losing a sibling, I joined a particular club of people that I didn’t ask to join. I was 28 years old and had no idea who I was then. I thought I did. But this intense road of grief hit me like a mack truck, forcing me to look at my life differently. I have always been an avid reader and love to learn. Although I grew up Catholic, I needed proof that he was OK. A friend of mine handed me a book about angels which led me down a different path of learning and spirituality.
I found myself learning about all kinds of spirituality and different religions. It brought me a lot of comfort in my grief and opened my eyes to many different cultures. These books led me to learn more about how the world worked. I’ve always been curious about the mind and how our brain works. A few months after my brother’s funeral, I stumbled upon a new best seller: Malcolm Gladwell’s “Outliers.”
I sometimes wonder if my thirst for entrepreneurship was because I had such a fantastic example for many years. My brother had his own business and ran a successful engineering firm in NJ. As I read Outliers, I thought of him often. I thought of his struggles to get through college, but he eventually received his master’s degree. It took years to get to where he was this happy. The first and only in our family.
Malcolm Gladwell challenges the myth of the “self-made man,” how culture impacts success, and the many stereotypes of success. Reading about Bill Gates’ fortunate circumstances and how it made him who he is today is very interesting. I connected with the stories of how culture can impact you as well. But, the most impactful was Gladwell’s analysis of the Beatles and the 10,000-hour rule.
Gladwell says mastery in any field is simple: it takes 10,000 hours to become good at anything. When you break it down, if you practiced playing the flute 24 hours a day, non-stop, it would take 416 days to become great at playing the flute — a little over a year. But you must eat, sleep, and work; life happens in between, and it takes much longer to become good at something. In Outliers, Gladwell explains how The Beatles performed 1,200 times live in Hamburg, Germany, between 1960 to 1964. Altogether, this added up to 10,000 hours, which made them the iconic legends they became.
I think about the 10,000-hour rule often when I learn something new or how I want to pivot my business next. When I think about the 10,000-hour rule, I find my center again. I remember that my beginning is not comparable to someone else’s end. It takes time. It takes grace. There is no InstaCart option for what you want in life. As a society, we tend to say things like “overnight success.” There is no such thing. It is only new to you since you do not see the hours and hours of practice to get there.
Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion. Let’s begin with a definition of terms so that each of us and our readers are on the same page. What exactly does being authentic mean?
Being authentic is a state of mind. It’s a delicate balance of standing in your confidence as a fallible human capable of defining success for yourself. Being authentic means sleeping with a clear conscience, knowing you did your best for yourself. It’s learning about and loving yourself enough to be open to connection and not living on a superficial plane. It also means being open to criticism, judgment, and failure while standing true to yourself.
Authenticity is taking responsibility for yourself, being vulnerable, open to connection, and standing up for your values every day. Being authentic can look like many different things. It can mean speaking up and defending someone, not in the room, removing yourself from negative energy, surrounding yourself with people with similar values, and being brave in any situation.
Authenticity is a dichotomy of being. The most challenging part of being authentic is knowing who you are. To be self-aware is the greatest gift we could have, and when you have that, you are ahead of the game. We need to get uncomfortable to be comfortable with who we are. As a lobster grows, it gets confined in its shell. It can only grow by shedding that shell and developing a new one. There may be chances of being hurt, but there is also a chance for connection — a chance of failure vs. success. Being authentic is being the same person when you are around people and alone.
What does being vulnerable mean? Can you explain?
Connection is the essence of our humanity. Humans need each other to survive. In our hectic work-oriented world, we forget to be human with each other. We are not robots. Vulnerability is the unique gift of creating a safe space for each other in our personal and professional lives. Being vulnerable is being able to say to someone, “me too.” It’s being able to share our story, our authentic self, with someone else at the risk of being judged but also the risk of connection. When you are vulnerable, you tell someone they are not alone. It can unload our fear and worries and share the pain and misery. It’s also a way to share the joys and happiness of life too. Opening up and telling stories gives others the same courage. It helps us understand each other and create communities of understanding and compassion.
What are the positive aspects of being authentic and vulnerable? Can you give a story or example to explain what you mean?
Putting yourself out there is like serendipity; you never know what little bits of luck can fall into your lap. Being myself has given me many opportunities to advance my career, better myself, and make lasting friendships. When I connect to people naturally, it always takes me from feeling isolated as a micro-business owner to being reminded that there is a support system out there.
When I started my business, I took one full year to educate myself on the ins and outs of wedding planning. I attended many conferences and finally found where I needed to be: Engage! Luxury Summits. At first, I was overwhelmed by all of the talent and experience in the room. Who the heck was I to be here? I could only dream of this success. But, slowly, I packed up the negative talk and checked the intimidation at the door. I had a cocktail, took it all in stride, and tried to make friends, like the first day of college. You were leaving all the b.s of high school behind and starting new.
My naivety helped me. I did not know the names or faces of the celebrity wedding professionals I shared the room with. The best story was about me dancing on the sidelines during the gala. I watched everyone dance, and this person said, “Join us!” It was almost like watching the cool kids at the prom extend a hand; the spotlight was on me. I said yes. He looked familiar to me, but I didn’t know who he was. We had a great night, and everyone embraced me like family. It was so warm and loving. The next day, I saw him speak. I had no idea he was one of the most influential photographers in the world. It was a fantastic experience that often reminded me that we are all human, no matter our status, origin, or anything. If you open yourself to connection, the right people will fall into your lap. Being vulnerable allows you to see people as they are without the superficial stuff that may influence your judgments. It works both ways. How will people ever know the real you if you keep a wall up?
Are there negative aspects to authenticity and vulnerability? Can you give a story or example to explain what you mean?
Defining the negative aspects of authenticity and vulnerability is a complex question since everything happens for a reason. If you are being true to yourself and something does not work out how you thought it would, you may need to look at it differently. If we accept that we are all human and make mistakes, being yourself shouldn’t be negative. Remember that being yourself does not give you the right to hurt or shame others for their choices. Being yourself and vulnerable is an open invitation for others to join you on a journey to connect and build mutual respect.
While being open and honest can benefit us, we must practice discretion. Unfortunately, only some have your best interest at heart. If we overshare, someone may twist that information for personal gain. I am very trusting and believe anything someone says unless I have a reason not to. I would love to think that everyone is truthful, but it is still important to balance being open and guarded at the same time.
One time I was having a conversation with a venue owner. We worked on many weddings together and had a great relationship. We discussed how I could help them with a few projects, and he asked me a question I thought would strengthen our working relationship. He asked if I had any children. At the time, I did not, but it was in my life plan. I answered happily and thought the conversation would steer toward how he balances family and work. I quickly realized he was asking how much time I had to dedicate to projects since children would mean that I wouldn’t be an excellent professional or excel in my field. He mentioned how another planner had children; her work could have been better. He was pretending to connect but perhaps looking to see what opportunities he could benefit from my life choices. The entire conversation left a bad taste in my mouth, and I was very disappointed. Using authenticity as a guise to connect would be better left alone.
From your experience or perspective, what are some of the common barriers that hold someone back from being authentic and vulnerable?
Growing up as a first-generation Croatian-American instilled many cultural values that built who I am today. I am proud of the values my upbringing gave me, such as hard work, respect, and that family is everything. But it also came with perfectionism, shame, and guilt. Being seen as an individual with opinions, unique talents, or different needs was not a priority as a child. We were a family unit trying to survive. Survival mode does not have room for individual wants, which may lead you to become the person others want you to be. I’ve realized that the expectations from society, family, and friends are a lot of pressure and can be hard to manage. It takes a toll on your mental and emotional health.
These barriers translate later in life to not being good enough, a fear of being judged, and not knowing how to be self-aware. All of these are common enemies of authenticity and vulnerability.
The adage “comparison is the thief of joy” is a great way to describe why someone may not feel good enough. The point of being authentic is that you create your measure of what is important to you and build on that. We will never develop our unique compass for happiness and success if we consistently compare ourselves to others. When we consistently compare, we always strive to improve at something and ignore our inner measure of success. It leaves you unhappy and unsatisfied.
Second is the fear of being judged. When you first meet someone, most people ask, “what do you do?” This question already puts pressure on a conversation with a stranger to prove your worth through your job. It’s ridiculous, and why small talk sucks. So, people tend to be safe and settle into this persona they made for the world so somebody can accept them without accepting themselves. When, in actuality, the world is missing out on who they authentically are. It’s a crazy and sad cycle of wanting to connect but not knowing how to overcome your fear of being you.
Lastly, the most significant barrier is the need for more self-awareness. If you don’t have the sense to look outside yourself and your feelings and thoughts and observe, you are missing out on being you. You need to discover who you can be. Once you know how you are, so much more of the world opens up.
Here is the central question of our discussion. What are five ways that being authentic and vulnerable pay off, and help you win, both personally and professionally?
1. It Builds Your Confidence & Helps You Build Up Others.
When we live under a mask of fear and judgment, we put ourselves in a box that collects dust on a shelf. We create a persona that does not exist. A persona that you think everyone wants to see and approves of. When we confine ourselves, we also put others in boxes. Suddenly, the world around you transforms into one big storage unit of dust and cardboard, with everything looking the same. When we step into our authentic selves, we open that box and want to stretch and see what is inside these other boxes. If you genuinely dedicate the action to your passions and what you love and build on that, you will have the confidence to see that you can be who you are and succeed. You’ll want to share that confidence with others.
2. Being Authentic Can Create a Supportive Community.
When you first think of starting a business, most creatives need to consider the layers it takes to run that business. Running a business includes marketing, budgets, KIPs, goal planning, and overhead, which may not fuel the genuine passion that led you to start your business. Your business is like your baby; it takes a village to raise it. It can be overwhelming and tedious sometimes. It can also be very lonely and isolating if you start independently. Opening yourself up to others is a way to create a community that supports you through all the ups and down. It can even be a way to find opportunities you did not know existed. Some of the best advice I received is to create your own Board of Directors. Join local business groups and connect with people from different industries. These fellow business owners may be able to shine a light differently on your business. They can also alleviate the pressures of being a business owner too. Somewhere to complain, air your grievances, or have someone grab a drink for happy hour. Everyone needs a community.
3. You Earn Trust & Respect with Clients and Peers.
Building trust starts at a place of connection. To earn that trust, you must be authentic. When people have a safe space to share their opinions, and a place to be heard, they are likelier to come to you for advice or recommend you to others. When you hold space for others and share yourself, your peers will respect your values and opinions, and vice versa. You may not always agree with each other, which builds respect. The mutual agreement is that you are different but appreciate each other’s work style, business model, or way of life.
4. You Learn Something New About Yourself and the People Around You.
A foundation of authenticity paves the way for colorful encounters. How boring of a world would it be if we all spoke, looked, and acted the same? Being true to yourself will help you discover more of what makes you who you are. And, in turn, it will pique your curiosity about others. It will allow you to ask important questions that make others feel seen just as you feel understood, standing in your newfound confidence.
5. You Embody a No Regrets Mantra.
Breaking through societal norms is a challenging feat. As you peel back all those masking layers, you will stand empowered in your confidence. Permitting yourself to be as you are is freedom. It’s a power that no one can take away from you. When this self-awareness trickles into your life, it allows us to be seen by others and vice versa. Being authentic and vulnerable does not mean you will always win in your personal and professional life. It does mean that you were true to yourself and have no regrets about trying or taking those risks.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?
Oh, man. This is my favorite question. My simple goal in life is to help people; how I do that, I leave it up to the universe to decide. So, however, I can help, I am game.
I would love to inspire a movement for young adults suffering from generational trauma to understand that they are worthy of love, kindness, connection, and success. To draw a line for themselves and be optimistic about their future. A community of support to educate and lean on each other, know they are not alone, to understand that mental health is essential and that boundaries are difficult to make but worth it.
Ultimately, I want people to feel secure in knowing that those who believe in them will fight alongside them in the journey. To understand that their story is not the same as the ones before them and to take action in rewriting it. It would be an honor to build a global network of support so that everyone has access to resources to better their lives — whatever those may look like for each individual. A community of understanding, kindness, and support. A movement filled with love, courage, and strength while breaking down mental health stigmas, shame, and guilt of being who you are. This movement would be a place to learn more about self-care, building relationships with ourselves and others, creating boundaries, setting goals and achieving them, and together, building a personal world filled with hope, joy, and acceptance.
Is there a person in the world whom you would love to have lunch with, and why? Maybe we can tag them and see what happens!
Hands down, Lizzo. Since Lizzo’s first album, my confidence in myself and my body has been out of this world. She is the definition of authenticity. She steps into herself like no other and is unabashedly herself at all times. Watching her live in concert is invigorating, and listening to her lyrics resonates at my core. As someone who has struggled with body image her whole life, Lizzo gives me hope that young girls will have role models in every shape, color, and form. Sitting in the car with her and singing “About Damn Time” with the windows down while driving around the neighborhood would be a dream. Can you make this happen? I have goosebumps thinking about it.
How can our readers follow you online?
Visit my wedding planning website where I often blog at www.deekayevents.com or our social media channels:
https://www.instagram.com/deekayevents
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5VQcRlcfR6dh9ddHujdCrA
https://www.tiktok.com/@deekayevents
https://www.linkedin.com/in/dianesolaja
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
About The Interviewer: Maria Angelova, MBA is a disruptor, author, motivational speaker, body-mind expert, Pilates teacher, and founder and CEO of Rebellious Intl. As a disruptor, Maria is on a mission to change the face of the wellness industry by shifting the self-care mindset for consumers and providers alike. As a mind-body coach, Maria’s superpower is alignment which helps clients create a strong body and a calm mind so they can live a life of freedom, happiness, and fulfillment. Prior to founding Rebellious Intl, Maria was a Finance Director and a professional with 17+ years of progressive corporate experience in the Telecommunications, Finance, and Insurance industries. Born in Bulgaria, Maria moved to the United States in 1992. She graduated summa cum laude from both Georgia State University (MBA, Finance) and the University of Georgia (BBA, Finance). Maria’s favorite job is being a mom. Maria enjoys learning, coaching, creating authentic connections, working out, Latin dancing, traveling, and spending time with her tribe. To contact Maria, email her at angelova@rebellious-intl.com. To schedule a free consultation, click here.
