Dr Camille Humes On How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected

An interview with Pirie Jones Grossman

Be engaged in their activities. It’s important for parents to not only allow their children to explore and try new things, but actively participate in the process. Children love it when their parents are present at their games, sit and complete an activity with them, or create an experience based on their interests. If I had a dollar for every time I sat and listened to “fun facts” about ocean animals or learned about a new dance on TikTok I would be a wealthy woman 😊!

Parenting is challenging. We all try so hard to give our all to our children. We desperately want them to feel loved and connected. But somehow there is often a disconnect. Perhaps it’s a generational thing, or that we don’t seem to speak the same language as our children, or just all of the “disconnection” that our kids are dealing with in today’s frenetic world. What are steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? As a part of our series about “How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected” we had the pleasure to interview Dr. Camille Humes.

Dr. Camille Humes is a Licensed Counselor who has been supporting children and families for more than twenty years. As a parent of two daughters, she understands the importance and challenges of ensuring that children feel loved and connected. Over the years she has helped parents learn how to use practical strategies to maintain healthy parent-child relationships.

Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to get to know a bit about you. Can you tell us your “childhood backstory”?

I am always happy to share that I grew up on the Southside of Chicago. My parents, grandparents, and extended family were always there to support my sisters and I, ensuring that we learned the importance of our history and traditions. I remember all the times spent at my grandmother’s house talking, laughing, and eating good food. I also remember getting in trouble at school for “talking too much,” which is funny now because I talk for a living!

Can you share the story about what brought you to this specific point in your career?

Well, besides the fact that I love to talk- which was always encouraged by my parents, by the way- I love helping people! I knew since I was a teenager that I wanted to be a Counselor, and I’ve been privileged to do that work for a long time. However, for the past five years or so I’ve been thinking about how I can help children and families in new ways. I realized that doing more speaking engagements and interviews, such as this one, would allow me to reach more families and hopefully provide information and encouragement.

Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the core of our discussion. This is probably intuitive to many, but it would be beneficial to spell it out. Based on your experience or research, can you explain to us why it is so important to forge a strong connection with our children?

Yes. I agree that it may be intuitive to many parents to forge a strong connection with their children. Parents often talk about wanting their children to know that they are “there for them” and “support them” and I think that’s important. Parents are their children’s first teachers so doing things intentionally like asking about their day, letting them know that you care about them and their interests teaches children that they matter, which ultimately helps connections grow stronger. The parent-child connection is important because it is a foundational relationship that children build upon and use as a model for other relationships-even in adulthood. There’s a saying, “children cannot be what they cannot see” and I believe that’s true- if children don’t see and experience strong connections they may struggle to form them throughout their lifetime.

What happens when children do not have that connection, or only have a weak connection?

Sometimes when children don’t have a connection with a parent or caregiver, or the connection is weak, they have trouble forming healthy relationships. For example, a child who does not feel bonded with a parent may not understand the importance of communicating feelings, may have difficulty building trust, or may struggle with maintaining relationships that are meaningful. A child with a weak connection with a parent(s) could develop low self-esteem, have a hard time making friends, struggle in school, or engage in destructive relationships.

Do you think children in this generation are less likely to feel loved and connected? Why do you feel the way you do?

I do believe that children are less likely to connect in person due to the opportunities that technology has provided for everyone to connect virtually. I’m always concerned about that, as I know that all human beings are created to be relational- that is, we need and thrive in part due to human contact and relationships. However, it’s important for parents to find ways to not only limit and monitor their children’s use of technology but continue to teach them the interpersonal skills that are necessary for them to form healthy relationships in person. There’s nothing wrong with children using technology but they also need to learn social cues/norms and how they are used in daily interactions. I do love the fact that technology allows children to connect to loved ones all over the world when traveling isn’t possible- there’s certainly value in that!

We live in a world with incessant demands for our time and attention. There is so much distraction and disconnection. Can you share with our readers 5 steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? Please include examples or stories for each, if you can.

Sure! Parenting certainly demands a lot of our time and attention. Here a few practical things that parents can do- things that will help their children in the moment and as they grow older:

1. Be present when your children are talking. Whenever possible, stop what you’re doing, make eye contact and focus on the conversation. Pausing the tv or putting down a device to let children know that they are the priority is a small but powerful action!
2. Ask about their day. It lets them know that you care, that what they experience matters, and it gives them an opportunity to share any questions or concerns. A simple question like “What good things happened today?” helps children develop a positive perspective and can start a meaningful conversation.
3. Give compliments. When children receive affirmation from their parents it builds their self-esteem, puts a smile on their faces, and reduces their need for affirmation from others. I love the reaction from my children when I tell them they’re cute, they’re great people, and that I’m proud of them!
4. Acknowledge their efforts. Children really do face so many challenges on a daily basis- no matter their age they are trying hard to navigate through this world. Acknowledging their efforts, even if seemingly unsuccessful, can let them know that their best is good enough. I remind my children all the time that their best is the standard and that they are always learning and growing.
5. Be engaged in their activities. It’s important for parents to not only allow their children to explore and try new things, but actively participate in the process. Children love it when their parents are present at their games, sit and complete an activity with them, or create an experience based on their interests. If I had a dollar for every time I sat and listened to “fun facts” about ocean animals or learned about a new dance on TikTok I would be a wealthy woman 😊!

How do you define a “good parent”? Can you give an example or story?

I can’t help thinking about parents who have so little yet do so much- they work hard every day to make sure that their children’s basic needs are met, they want nothing but the best for them, they sacrifice in ways that often go unrecognized- those are good parents! Good parents help their children feel loved despite (and sometimes because of) their circumstances. I know from experience as a parent that it’s not always easy keeping your children “at the top of your list” when your needs are on the list too. One of the biggest challenges, I think, in parenting is figuring out how to do both- take care of yourself and your children equally as well.

How do you inspire your child to “dream big”? Can you give an example or story?

I always “wondered” out loud with my daughters- I would present questions like “I wonder what type of business you might own” or “I wonder what places you will travel to when you’re older?” I would customize my questions for each child and connect it to her talents, interests, or strengths. For example, to one child I might say, “You’re so good with picking out your clothes- you could be a designer or fashion consultant,” or “These pancakes are so good- people who own restaurants cook like this!” It was important for me to recognize their strengths while letting them know that they could use their gifts to do something that they love!

How would you define “success” when it comes to raising children?

Parenting can be so challenging that it’s not easy to provide a simple response to that question. I do believe that because families are unique success will look different for each family. However, I think that if kids are being raised to be kind, loving people then parents are doing something right!

This is a huge topic in itself, but it would be worthwhile to touch upon it here. What are some ideal social media and digital habits that you think parents should teach to their children?

Yes, that is certainly a worthwhile topic- you can’t really talk about loving and connecting with kids anymore without considering their “connection” to social media. Unfortunately there are so many risks to leaving children to enjoy devices without monitoring their access and activity- especially when safety is considered. My kids always understood that we would put restrictions on their phone and games, limit the time that they could use technology, and would check to make sure that the content that they were communicating (and that was being communicated to them) was appropriate. My husband and I also made sure that our kids knew the difference between reality and play, as sometimes those lines can get blurred due to the “realistic” nature of some games and media. We let them know that they could always talk with us and should not believe everything that they heard, read, or saw elsewhere.

What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a better parent? Can you explain why you like them?

Actually I am most inspired by stories from other parents. No matter what their parenting journey has been I find that I can learn so much just by listening. Even if we’ve shared different experiences I appreciate hearing how they got through some of their children’s tough developmental stages, how they offer encouragement, and what hopes/dreams they still have for their children’s future. When I talk to other parents, read a story about parenting or hear parents’ perspectives through other media I feel connected and get reminded that we all need support.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

I love the quote by Maya Angelou- “People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel.” That statement, I believe, is true for all of us- but especially for our children who base so much of who they are on their interactions with others.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

-Oh that’s such a good question to think about!! I would love to have children teach us- to help us see the world through their eyes. I imagine a group of children teaching adults about friendships, acceptance, communication and connection- it could be a great listening and learning opportunity!

-I also would love for every high school student to learn about child development- both the social/emotional and physical components- because I think it would help young people to understand themselves better and perhaps feel empowered to shape the trajectory of their lives!

Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!

About The Interviewer: Pirie is a TedX speaker, author and a Life Empowerment Coach. She is a co-host of Own your Throne podcast, inspiring women in the 2nd chapter of their lives. With over 20 years in front of the camera, Pirie Grossman understands the power of storytelling. After success in commercials and acting. She spent 10 years reporting for E! Entertainment Television, Entertainment Tonight, also hosted ABC’s “Every Woman”. Her work off-camera capitalizes on her strength, producing, bringing people together for unique experiences. She produced a Children’s Day of Compassion during the Dalai Lama’s visit here in 2005. 10,000 children attended, sharing ideas about compassion with His Holiness. From 2006–2009, Pirie Co-chaired the Special Olympics World Winter Games, in Idaho, welcoming 3,000 athletes from over 150 countries. She founded Destiny Productions to create Wellness Festivals and is an Advisory Board member of the Sun Valley Wellness Board.In February 2017, Pirie produced, “Love is Louder”, a Brain Health Summit, bringing in Kevin Hines, noted suicide survivor to Sun Valley who spoke to school kids about suicide. Sun Valley is in the top 5% highest suicide rate per capita in the Northwest, prompting a community initiative with St. Luke’s and other stake holders, to begin healing. She lives in Sun Valley with her two children, serves on the Board of Community School. She has her Master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica and is an Executive Life Empowerment Coach, where she helps people meet their dreams and goals! The difference between a dream and a goal is that a goal is a dream with a date on it!