Dr Gwen Bass On How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected

An interview with Pirie Jones Grossman

Connecting before correcting. For every time I correct my kid or ask them to do something they don’t prefer, I try to pause and ask myself: How can I show my kid that I care? I can already anticipate that my request will feel nagging or disruptive to them. By communicating with them first about something they’re interested in, acknowledging the activity they’re in the middle of, or praising them in some way, I’m showing them that I see them as people and I’m not just showing up to boss them around. This is a really easy way to prevent power struggles and help your kid see you as collaborative rather than demanding. I find that this approach often slows me down and softens my communication with my kids in general.

Parenting is challenging. We all try so hard to give our all to our children. We desperately want them to feel loved and connected. But somehow there is often a disconnect. Perhaps it’s a generational thing, or that we don’t seem to speak the same language as our children, or just all of the “disconnection” that our kids are dealing with in today’s frenetic world. What are steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? As a part of our series about “How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected” we had the pleasure to interview Dr. Gwen Bass.

Gwen Bass is an educational consultant and parent coach who engages teachers, families and the community of support professionals around children to improve school experiences and life-long wellbeing. Dedicated to training teachers, social workers and parents so they can collaborate effectively, she is particularly interested in serving the most vulnerable children, including youth with disabilities and youth in foster care. Dr. Bass frequently presents on inclusive classroom practices, behavior management, child development, child welfare systems, parent education, measurement and evaluation of social emotional skills in schools, and trauma-sensitive teaching.

Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to get to know a bit about you. Can you tell us your “childhood backstory”?

Before sperm banks, sibling registries, and at-home DNA tests — before gay marriage was legal and before laws existed to protect queer people and their families — my lesbian parents found a doctor who agreed to secretly aid them in starting the family they wanted.

The result of this clandestine insemination was me: a baby born of what was essentially a science experiment. At that time, in 1982, my birth was an inherent challenge to society’s definition of family. My parents and I had no role models to look to as the road towards building a queer family had yet to be paved.

I grew up surrounded by both chosen and biological relatives. My upbringing was imbued with the conviction that family extends beyond our DNA. By the time I entered preschool, I was an unwitting spokesperson for the gay movement I was born into. My family was “different” to the world, but it was all I knew.

Growing up, I straddled two worlds: at home I lived with my non-traditional family but in the wider world I lived in everyone else’s heteronormative reality. By bridging the gap I was living proof that kids with lesbian parents could turn out okay. I was a competent student, an athlete, and an overall “good kid”.

The disconnect between my personal life and the outside world reaffirmed what I believed: that I was alone in my experience, code-switching in ways my peers couldn’t quite understand. I did more explaining than most kids and I developed the social skills and emotional intelligence I needed to successfully navigate the complexity of being different and the same all at once.

My conception, upbringing, and family-finding directly influenced who I am today — from how I have built my own family to the professional life I have dedicated myself to: working with kids whose families and identities exist outside of tidy, normative storylines.

Can you share the story about what brought you to this specific point in your career?

I spent several years as a school counselor and special education teacher and have worked in just about every type of setting that serves children and young adults, from schools and non-profits, to competitive athletics and community-based enrichment programs. I am also a foster and adoptive parent. One of my greatest strengths is my ability to see kids for who they are and to speak their language. I am passionate about ensuring that kids feel heard and supported in achieving their goals. My experiences in many different roles have helped me to understand issues from multiple perspectives. Over the years, I transitioned from full-time direct service work with kids and focused my efforts on helping teachers, clinicians, and parents employ strategies that enable them to develop positive relationships with kids who have marginalized identities and/or who have experienced trauma.

Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the core of our discussion. This is probably intuitive to many, but it would be beneficial to spell it out. Based on your experience or research, can you explain to us why it is so important to forge a strong connection with our children?

The most powerful thing we can communicate to a child is that we see them and we believe in them. Research has repeatedly shown the impact that just one positive adult can have in the life of a child. We cannot truly see a child unless we take the time to be curious, to ask them questions, to make sense of what they are saying through their behavior, their actions, and their interests. Children learn about themselves and the world through their interactions with others. When we develop trusting and reciprocal relationships with children, we let them know that they are safe and we show them that they matter.

What happens when children do not have that connection, or only have a weak connection?

Research tells us that kids are at risk of a host of poor long-term outcomes when they lack connection to their caregivers. For years I have worked with kids who have experienced traumatic events that have caused them to question their safety, to doubt the adults in their lives, and who are generally distrusting of new people and situations. Throughout their lives, these kids have learned that the world isn’t safe and that people aren’t trustworthy. Many feel a deep sense of shame and lack the positive sense of self that is nurtured through consistent connection to a caregiver.

Given the high stakes, perfectionist nature of parenting these days, I certainly don’t want to suggest that if you don’t connect easily or well with your kid, they’re doomed. I sometimes think of this in terms of risk-factors and protective factors. A positive connection with an adult is an incredibly impactful protective factor, while the absence of one is a risk factor. That said, no parent is going to feel like they’re batting 1000 100% of the time. So, if your relationship with your child is a struggle, take a deep breath. Look at the big picture and ask yourself: what’s working and what isn’t? Take responsibility for your missteps. Get curious about your child and don’t be afraid to go to them and tell them you want things to feel different. It’s never too late for a fresh start or to develop new patterns of interacting.

Do you think children in this generation are less likely to feel loved and connected? Why do you feel the way you do?

First of all, love and connection are two distinct concepts. We can love someone and not know how to connect well with them. Similarly, our kids may know that we love them but may not feel that love in ways that land for them. I see this less as a generational issue and more as an evergreen caregiver-child challenge. Sure, technology, social media, and fast-paced culture have impacted this generation of parents, and kids, but the caregiver struggle to connect with “kids these days” isn’t new. Plenty of us have parents who we know love us, but who maybe didn’t show us love in ways that worked for us. Consider the idea of love languages. One of my kids feels love most authentically through gifts, another through time together, and a third through physical affection. As a parent, I feel like it’s my job to show my kids love and connection in lots of ways and to follow their cues about which are most meaningful to them. Generally speaking, I think if caregivers make the time to connect with their kids that effort will be felt and, in turn, kids will feel the love.

We live in a world with incessant demands for our time and attention. There is so much distraction and disconnection. Can you share with our readers 5 steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? Please include examples or stories for each, if you can.

1. Connecting before correcting. For every time I correct my kid or ask them to do something they don’t prefer, I try to pause and ask myself: How can I show my kid that I care? I can already anticipate that my request will feel nagging or disruptive to them. By communicating with them first about something they’re interested in, acknowledging the activity they’re in the middle of, or praising them in some way, I’m showing them that I see them as people and I’m not just showing up to boss them around. This is a really easy way to prevent power struggles and help your kid see you as collaborative rather than demanding. I find that this approach often slows me down and softens my communication with my kids in general.
2. One of my favorite strategies is what I call the 2-to-1 rule. Before inquiring about my 13-year-old’s grades or reminding my 11-year-old to pick up their toys, I try to remember to FIRST make TWO neutral or positive statements. This could be as simple as asking if they want a snack, reminding them of a funny experience we shared, or finally taking a few minutes to let them tell me about that YouTube video they watched. With everyone moving in and out of connection, on and off of technology, it’s really helpful to take stock of the quality of our interactions with our kids. Are we just ushering them through daily routines or are we also stopping to ask what’s on their minds?
3. Daily check-in routines. I live in a house with four kids. It’s chaotic and loud and we sit down to dinner together less often than I’d like. BUT, I try to ask them 3 questions every day–the High-Low-Jack, as we call it.. What was the best part of your day? What was the worst part of your day? What was something that happened that was unexpected or exciting? It’s quick, we sometimes play High-Low-Jack in the car and other times it doesn’t happen until bedtime. BUT, it’s a great way for me to keep up with their interests and take their emotional temperature. I know another family that does a quick gratitude practice at night, wherein just before bedtime everyone shares what they were grateful for that day. Again, these routines don’t take long but they foster meaningful connection.
4. Talk about technology and distraction. Sure, limits on screen time, phone use, and video games are all important ways to encourage healthy relationships with tech. It’s also okay to acknowledge when you’re having a hard time putting your phone down, when you’re also feeling addicted to TikTok, or that you’re staying up too late doom scrolling. Set goals for yourself and talk with your kids about them. Our kids watch us look down at our phones while they are trying to talk to us or while we are watching their sporting events and school performances. I’ve started paying close attention to my iPhone stats–pickups and overall screen time–and each week I set a goal for myself. My kids know when I’m trying to reduce the number of times I pick up my phone or am trying to fight the impulse to Google an obscure fact or check social media. They encourage me, laugh at me when I fail, and know that my goal is to be more present with them and less distracted by my devices.
5. Get outside–together (leave your phones at home). There are about a bajillion benefits of being outside, but it can also do wonders for fostering connection with our kids. It could be a walk in the neighborhood, a trip to the corner store, or simply sitting outside on your steps for 5 minutes. You don’t really even need to talk much but, the change in location and the movement into the outdoors can work wonders for shifting relational dynamics. Talk about what you see, hear, and smell. Ask your kid a couple of questions. Walk at the same pace. Tell your child something about your day. This is a really easy way to co-regulate with your child and it’s especially effective for kids who don’t love to talk, or who are more likely to open up when they aren’t in the direct line of your eye contact.

How do you define a “good parent”? Can you give an example or story?

A good parent doesn’t get everything right. They lose their tempers sometimes and impose meaningless consequences. They miss their kids’ cues sometimes and are dismissive or over-indulgent or too rigid. They make mistakes and try to fix them. They commit to re-opening slammed doors, to mending bad communication, and to modeling healthy self-awareness. I recently wrote a memoir and have been reflecting a lot on my own parents. I’m not sure that they would be characterized as “good parents” in the traditional sense, but one of their greatest strengths was to acknowledge their limits and their shortcomings and to help me find what they couldn’t offer. They never pretended they could do it all, that they could be everything to me. Instead, they taught me to make meaningful friendships, to connect with my teachers and coaches, to fill my life with a community of people with whom I can share love and support. There’s a lot of pressure on parents today to get it all right and to prioritize parenting above all else, taking full responsibility for every aspect of our children’s wellbeing. Good parents can recognize their own boundaries and to offer their child love and connection in ways that are authentic, rather than formulaic.

How do you inspire your child to “dream big”? Can you give an example or story?

One of the best ways to teach a child to dream big is by sharing your own goals and aspirations. Let them watch you try something new, reach, take a risk, give up, and succeed. So many of our kids don’t dream big because they’re afraid of failing or because they fear disappointing us. As caregivers, we can model dreaming big.

How would you define “success” when it comes to raising children?

There is no right way to raise children. In fact, when caregivers try to do things the “right way”, rather than the way that aligns with their values and goals for their children, it leads to lots of frustration and unmet expectations. Here’s what I suggest instead. Ask yourself what matters to you as a parent. Imagine your kid, grown up and successful: What do they know how to do? What kind of person are they? What are their best qualities? Then, work backwards. You can’t control the outcome or anyone’s behavior but your own. Think about what you can do to create the conditions for them to thrive.

This is a huge topic in itself, but it would be worthwhile to touch upon it here. What are some ideal social media and digital habits that you think parents should teach to their children?

Everything in moderation. I’m a huge fan of digital limits and timers and I love devices like Kindle Fire Kids and the Nintendo Switch that have them built into their platforms. Watching TV is fine. Playing video games is fine. Texting with friends is fine. It’s also important to get outside, to move your body, to read a book, and to be creative.

What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a better parent? Can you explain why you like them?

Lately I’ve been loving: Lizzie Assa (@workspaceforchildren) and Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart. Both offer super practical tools for caregivers and are informed by approaches that really center kids’ wellbeing, while also respecting the complexities of the parent experience.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

I used to collect “good advice” from family and friends, and I compiled it into a notebook that I recently re-discovered. One of my favorite quotes lately is: “No matter how far you are down the path, it’s never too late to turn around”. It’s easy to get wrapped up in bad habits, to find ourselves stuck in situations that make us feel unfulfilled, or relationship patterns that are unhealthy–and it can be hard to remember that we have the power to change them. This is especially true in parenting. It’s not uncommon to think we have our kid all figured out or to feel like we’ve made it through a tough stage, only to find ourselves back again at square one. In those moments, I try to remember that just because I’m feeling ineffective in a moment, doesn’t mean that I have to stay that way forever.

Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!

About The Interviewer: Pirie is a TedX speaker, author and a Life Empowerment Coach. She is a co-host of Own your Throne podcast, inspiring women in the 2nd chapter of their lives. With over 20 years in front of the camera, Pirie Grossman understands the power of storytelling. After success in commercials and acting. She spent 10 years reporting for E! Entertainment Television, Entertainment Tonight, also hosted ABC’s “Every Woman”. Her work off-camera capitalizes on her strength, producing, bringing people together for unique experiences. She produced a Children’s Day of Compassion during the Dalai Lama’s visit here in 2005. 10,000 children attended, sharing ideas about compassion with His Holiness. From 2006–2009, Pirie Co-chaired the Special Olympics World Winter Games, in Idaho, welcoming 3,000 athletes from over 150 countries. She founded Destiny Productions to create Wellness Festivals and is an Advisory Board member of the Sun Valley Wellness Board.In February 2017, Pirie produced, “Love is Louder”, a Brain Health Summit, bringing in Kevin Hines, noted suicide survivor to Sun Valley who spoke to school kids about suicide. Sun Valley is in the top 5% highest suicide rate per capita in the Northwest, prompting a community initiative with St. Luke’s and other stake holders, to begin healing. She lives in Sun Valley with her two children, serves on the Board of Community School. She has her Master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica and is an Executive Life Empowerment Coach, where she helps people meet their dreams and goals! The difference between a dream and a goal is that a goal is a dream with a date on it!