Dr Jessica Gold of Bliss Science On How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love

Self-awareness — knowing your triggers, wounds, strengths and limitations — and not blaming others for how you feel. The ability to stay curious. A little self-deprecating humor doesn’t hurt, either!

In today’s fast-paced and interconnected world, finding and maintaining meaningful romantic relationships can be a daunting task. From navigating dating apps to managing expectations in a digital age, there are numerous challenges individuals face in their quest for love. Through this series, we would like to explore the complexities of modern dating and relationships, offering insights, advice, and strategies for navigating the often confusing landscape of love in the 21st century. In this series, we are talking to experts in psychology, relationship coaching, sociology, matchmaking, and individuals with personal experiences navigating the modern dating scene, to share their knowledge, perspectives, and stories. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Jessica Gold.

Dr. Jessica Gold is an MIT-trained organic chemist-turned-Sex, Love, and Relationship Coach, and the founder of Bliss Science. After a successful PhD and Postdoctoral fellowship in chemistry & neuroscience, she left her career to go say ‘yes’ to what scared her. Jessica ended up spending 4+ years living in tantric communities in Asia and becoming certified as a professional coach in methodologies including: VITA, ICF (PCC level), and Process-Oriented Psychology.

Dr. Jessica has helped hundreds of men in tech get out of their heads, feel confident as lovers, powerful in dating, and skilled in the art of relating to women. She dares you to believe that sex and relating deserve to be given at least as much time as your gym workout or developing your latest AI app.

Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?

I grew up in the deserts of West Texas and the mountains of New Mexico. Life was all about oil, cattle, guns, and God. I always wanted to be one of the guys because they were powerful and could do what they wanted. My family was loving, hard-working, and successful, but I never felt I belonged in that isolated, conservative environment. I didn’t want to be a trophy wife. Anything connected to women seemed to be second-class and disrespected: the body, emotions, vulnerability. I loved reading and excelled in school, and that was my ticket out of there. I went to the best school I could, MIT, and I originally wanted to be an astronaut. I spent the next 20 years walking myself across both an internal and external divide in politics, religion, and lifestyle. I re-examined the narratives I had been given about how to live. For so long, I felt I had to hide who I really was in order to be loved. I also suppressed my emotions, my sexuality, and my connection to my body. Fortunately, moving to UC Berkeley to complete my PhD introduced me to a huge diversity of human experience.

Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?

I’m a Passionate Relationship Coach for Powerful Men in Tech and the founder of Bliss Science. I help men recover passion in a sexless marriage, feel confident as lovers, or, if single and dating: find a high-quality woman who deeply meets them on every level.

What brought me to this career path is a wild story. After 10 years as a scientist, and way too long struggling with anxiety, chronic fatigue, and a challenging marriage, I had a life-changing experience at my 4th Burning Man. I left my academic career and went to travel the world and say ‘yes’ to what scared me. I ended up spending 4+ years in tantric communities in Asia. During this time I finally stopped over-thinking, learned to respect emotions and the body, and felt how powerful it was to relax into flow. I also reclaimed my sexuality from shame. While studying to be a teacher there, one of my assignments was to interview strangers about their sex lives.

I was surprised at how much I loved doing that — the conversations were so deep, real, and meaningful. It felt like time well-spent, instead of the usual awkward surface-level niceties. And because of my 10 years of exploration in SF Bay Area sex-positive communities, studies in tantra, and recovery from a conservative Christian upbringing, I felt that I could hold a wide spectrum of experience with care — no matter how ‘out there’ people imagined they were.

After that I found my first yearlong coach training doing somatic coaching online via Zoom — even before the pandemic. I found that I loved coaching, and put in hours of study and practice.

I launched my business, Bliss Science, and now have spent 10 years in the fire of entrepreneurship — I had zero business training of any kind — while also continuing to refine and study my coaching craft.

I specialized in working with men from the very beginning for several reasons. One: well, let’s be honest — I’m a bit of a rebel — and at that time, it was common for women to work with other women around love and intimacy — but I had spent my life in a man’s world. Even more, as a scientist myself, I understand the tech mentality — and I know that scientists, engineers, and tech workers never get a single class in how to have healthy relationships. Finally, I also saw that men were being underserved in the personal growth world — and consistently shamed. If we all want the deep love we say we are seeking, we won’t get it by shaming each other.

As I’ve continued my work with over 500 men through the years using my Bliss Science Method, I repeatedly hear from them that ‘this is the first time’ they’ve been able to be honest with a woman and not be shamed.

Once we start with what’s real and allow it to come to the surface, then we can actually make progress.

You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?

1. Courage — Coming from a risk-averse, fear- and scarcity-based mentality in my upbringing, this was a big one. For example, when I decided to leave my scientific career, I was terrified. I felt ashamed, for ‘wasting’ 10 years in lab. I worried no one would ever hire me again if I took a year off. I felt all the voices inside me screaming at me to buckle down and make money, otherwise I risked being homeless on the street. I felt all that, and I had to work every day to not give into the fear in my body and those voices. I stayed focused on a deeper wisdom that was knocking on the door of my consciousness and left anyway. It took all the strength I had.
2. Tenacity — I had to recover from toxic shame and believe in myself and my mission enough to keep going, even when it was frustrating, scary, or overwhelming. For example, I had a very lean 6 months in my career when all my business dried up, and I couldn’t seem to find new leads. At the same time, I got offered a full-time job working for a friend of mine. I had the choice between going into debt so I could keep my team and keep going, or giving it up. But I knew this was a test of my grit — deep down, my gut knew it wasn’t right to take the job offer. So, I stayed the course. 6 months later came my greatest career momentum ever, including a Tedx talk that I gave on Chemistry for your Sex Starved Marriage.
3. Curiosity — The only way I knew how to communicate was by giving advice, or defending, explaining, or justifying myself. Instead of getting defensive, I had to learn to get curious if I was ever going to progress in business or have fulfilling relationships. I had to learn to take feedback and consider the grain of truth in it, instead of lashing out. For example, I used to believe that the best way to keep myself ‘safe’ from criticism was to criticize myself first and do it better than anyone else could. I motivated myself through self-criticism. I thought self-love was weak. This caused me to be vulnerable to what others’ thought of me because I had no sense of self-worth of my own. One day, my yoga teacher gave a teaching around self-love. Something in me woke up, and I realized how beating myself up was keeping me small. What if I didn’t have to listen to my inner critic, and instead I could choose to be kind to myself? I was floored. Being kind to myself unlocked a curiosity about what was going on for me and an ability to speak up for my needs instead of abandoning myself to please others. It has been the deepest empowerment of my life.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?

I am launching Jessica Gold AI, the world’s first relationship coach AI based on a real human (me!). It’s trained on my 10 years of experience coaching and teaching on sexuality and relationships and will respond based on my knowledge.

My work over the years showed me that so many men are unhappy in relationships. They are frustrated by dating apps, stuck in sexless marriages, or lonely and hopeless when it comes to relating to women. It doesn’t have to be this way and I want to help. Being just one person, there is a natural cap to how many people I can coach personally at once. The AI is more accessible and available for questions around the clock. It also lowers the hurdle to ask for help for those who may be reluctant to hire a coach or even ask a friend for help. Admitting that you need help with your relationships can feel stigmatizing, but it shouldn’t. I want Jessica Gold AI to be part of the solution.

For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority on the topic of dating and finding love?

As the founder of Bliss Science, my expertise comes from both hard-earned personal experience over 8 years in the dating world and my professional training.

It all started when I went through a challenging divorce 10 years ago. I was married to a therapist, so the invitation in that relationship had been to really step up, introspect, be present with each other, and grow. I wasn’t able to do that — I had been taught that relationships should ‘just work’ and that I should never be vulnerable.

After my divorce, I vowed not to make the same mistake again. I spent 8 years immersed in personal growth work and living in spiritual communities while dating with new eyes. I watched myself play out every unhealthy dating pattern you can imagine — and figured out how to fix it. Then I got certified as a sex, love, and relationship coach, founded Bliss Science, and have been honored to work with hundreds of powerful men in sexless marriages or looking for the woman of their dreams ever since.

Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of the “inability to find love”?

Common root causes:

Blaming the other gender for making dating hard instead of taking responsibility for how you’re showing up.

Not being clear about who you are and what you’re looking for in a relationship — instead leading with what you think the other gender wants to hear.

Lack of self-worth and not living a life worth inviting someone into — instead looking for another person to ‘complete’ you or to make you happy.

What are some common misconceptions or myths about finding love in the modern world, and how can they be debunked?

Common misconceptions include:

1. Believing that surface-level, physical attributes are what will attract your dream partner. There is plenty of research showing that what keeps couples together and happy long-term is your inner game, not what’s in your bank account or how your abs look.
2. Believing that being a ‘martyr’ or bending over backwards to please the other person is the best way to get and keep love. Related to this is the belief that having boundaries or needs is selfish. Psychologists like Esther Perel teach us the importance of being our own person and creating ‘differentiation’ in the relationship.
3. Mistaking chemistry for compatibility. Mistaking lust for love — and believing that ‘love’ is all you need.

When we understand how attraction works, have good boundaries, and are connected to a clear vision for the relationship we want to create, it’s easier to slow down and assess for whole-person compatibility in the midst of the seductive chemical cocktail of lust. Having a dating coach to help point out where you might be moving too fast is key, as well as shoring up your self-worth.

What advice do you have for individuals who feel overwhelmed or disillusioned by the challenges of modern dating, and how can they maintain hope and optimism in their search for love?

Stop searching for love and start having fun in your life. Surround yourself with community and friends where you feel supported and seen. Then the relationship will take care of itself. (And you can try Jessica Gold AI 😊).

It’s a wise move to get a dating/relationship coach who can help you see your blindspots — things that were preventing you from getting results that you might not be aware of.

Let’s explore how the rise of social media and dating apps has impacted the way individuals approach and experience dating and relationships. Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use social media to find love?

I like the trend of posting ‘date-me’ docs.

I think it’s also great to post on social media that you’re looking for new dates, and have your friends refer people to you.

Don’t give anyone any money or sensitive information online, and block someone asking you for money in a dating scenario — even if it’s ‘to get their nails done’ before your date.

Always meet in person before spending lots of time and energy messaging someone.

Avoid connecting with strangers who come out of the blue to message you (even if you have mutual connections on social media), and instead get your friends to set you up with someone they know.

Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use dating apps to find love?

Choose the right app! For example, if you’re looking for a kink-curious partner, try Feeld, not Bumble.

Look for quality over quantity — filter the number of replies you get by being very specific in who you are and what you are looking for. Don’t be afraid to be too ‘weird’.

Send fewer messages, and be specific: don’t message the same short phrase to many people. You’ll get depleted and resentful faster — and that makes it harder to attract quality people.

Don’t respond to a dating app connection asking you for money, no matter how compelling the request.

Don’t spend hours texting — get on a Zoom call or meet in person ASAP.

Can you share a few dos and don’ts about looking for romance in real-life physical spaces like congregations, bars, markets, and conventions?

Don’t meet people in bars.

Think about where the kind of person you want to meet is likely to hang out, and go there! Find a reason why you like being there, too — don’t just do it to meet someone.

Join a community like your school’s alumni network, a local hiking club, or a social dance group and become a respected member. You’ll either meet someone, or you can ask your new friends to match you!

Get good at getting rejected: practice receiving 10 rejections at a time, for example. Rather than taking it personally, see it as an achievement of courage, and use it as data to assess what you might need to do differently.

When meeting someone in real-life, it can be helpful to have friends with you — they can help you feel better about getting rejected and also help show your friendly side to potential interests.

What are your thoughts about the challenges and opportunities that come with workplace romances?

Assume everyone in the office finds out. What are the consequences and how will you handle it?

Assume you break up and you still have to work together. What are the consequences and how will you handle it?

Can you discuss the role of vulnerability and authenticity in forming meaningful connections and finding lasting love?

It’s not possible to have a meaningful connection without vulnerability and authenticity. Otherwise you’ll spend your relationship discussing tasks and logistics. This is a sure way to make the passion and pleasure die — and feel unloved.

Being truly seen, heard, and understood feels like love — and this requires being able to share vulnerably and listen non-defensively.

Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Things You Need To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.

Here’s my video: https://youtu.be/1o4Ln0_IrAE

1 . Vulnerability — The ability to say “I don’t know,” to admit when you’re wrong, and to be real about what you’re feeling.

2 . Self-worth — Accepting yourself, forgiving yourself, knowing that your needs matter, and feeling good about what you’re doing in the world. Self-worth means you’re able to slow down and trust instead of rushing into relationships or putting lots of pressure in order to get a certain outcome.

3. Boundaries — Having limits in what you will and will not tolerate, having your own space and time, not giving up your self-care routines to please another. For example, if you don’t have this, you may feel obligated to give time and attention to anyone who is interested in you.

4. Courage — The ability to speak up when something isn’t working or when a boundary has been crossed, even in the face of fear of upsetting the other person.

5 . Self-awareness — knowing your triggers, wounds, strengths and limitations — and not blaming others for how you feel. The ability to stay curious. A little self-deprecating humor doesn’t hurt, either!

Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?

I love No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover — for men

You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

I would start a movement where it’s expected that everyone attends ‘relationship school.’ There, different genders will first practice separately to develop the 5 skills mentioned above, plus others (including emotional fluency, empathic communication, and connecting to their own sensuality), and then come to practice relating together. I like the idea of having 6 month ‘practice’ relationships, where you get to practice asking for what you want. If everyone has the same baseline knowledge, skills, and values that you have been practicing on your own, it makes all the difference. Having a shared language, commitment to human-centered values, and community accountability builds trust. Also, in this way even young adults would not be left fumbling in the dark trying to figure it out alone, while feeling shame and pressure.

How can our readers further follow your work online?

Visit my website: www.bliss-science.com

Join my free community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/bliss.science

Follow me on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dr-jessica-gold/

Watch my Tedx talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXGQqD0VJL0

Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!