Dr Michael Acton of MPA Mind On 5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce

Get in touch with your truth. If you don’t do that, you’ll get stuck in a cycle of stories. We make up stories to protect ourselves. We make up stories that are acceptable to ourselves. In therapy, the first thing I do with people is unpack these stories. I ask them, “OK, so what’s going on?” and they tell me this story. Once we’ve built up an alliance, I say, “OK, let’s break the story down. Something’s not making sense here.”

As part of our series about the “5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce Or Breakup” we had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Michael Acton.

Dr. Michael Acton (Psy.D., M.Ed. (Psych.) Hons., M.A. C.Psych) of MPAMind.com is a consultant, psychologist, counselor, clinical supervisor, legal consultant, trained scientist practitioner and author with over 30 years of clinical experience.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a bit about how you grew up?

I was born to an Irish father and English mother, and I grew up in both of these countries. I always felt it was my calling to help people, and I was initially drawn to the priesthood. My childhood was difficult, and I ultimately found myself living in a car for a while, at just 17 years old! In the early hours one morning, I had a sudden awakening. I understood, without doubt, that I was in control of my own destiny, I could do and be whatever I wanted to. Soon after, somebody took a chance on me by offering me a place to stay despite the fact I was homeless.

I worked and studied hard to learn all I could about how to get on in life. My journey took me into teaching, through which I traveled the world. I taught in schools, colleges and universities, but it was not my real calling. I discovered that after an experience with pastoral care in Sydney, Australia. This opened me up to the world of psychology.

Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?

After gaining my degrees in psychology, I embarked on a successful career which has gifted me over 30 years of clinical experience. I have worked with relationship issues, including breakups, with thousands of couples. I am indebted to the learning I have received from all of these cases. To pay this forward, I combined my work and personal life experiences to form the foundation of several books on relationships. My latest book, Fork in the Road, due to be published in late 2023, helps people explicitly with relationship breakups and make-ups.

Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started this career?

In some relationship work, the changes I catalyze can be difficult for families to integrate. The son of a family I was working with threatened to harm me and my family and started stalking me. I had to involve the FBI to keep myself safe. This was a learning experience because I realized that I really am on the front line when it comes to relationship battles. I became more rigorous with my personal security after that moment.

Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?

The funniest mistake I made actually happened while I was a teacher in Australia. This was my first day with a new class, and a Korean student was late. His name was Wang. During the roll call, I called his name. When he didn’t respond, I looked at the registry for his full name. ‘Is Mr. Ke here?’ I asked. ‘I’m looking for Wang Ke.’

When I realized how that sounded, I tried not to laugh, but I couldn’t help myself. The class joined me in roaring with laughter.

From that experience, I learned to always be genuine. If you have to laugh, just laugh and ask for forgiveness later (of course, I don’t mean we should ever laugh at the expense of others). Ever since, if I’m in a tense situation and feel a nervous giggle coming on, I will often just let rip. Being real and genuine is healthy and healing.

Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?

There are many life lesson quotes I use in both my personal life and at work. Ralph Waldo Emerson’s A Successful Life is one I often draw inspiration from. It summarizes my own feelings about what it means to be a successful human:

To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent people

And the affection of children;

To earn the appreciation of honest critics

And endure the betrayal of false friends

To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others.

To leave the world a bit better,

Whether by a healthy child,

A garden path or a redeemed social condition.

To know even one life has breathed easier

Because you have lived.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?

I am currently writing the third and final book of my Power of You series. Fork in the Road is very relevant to the topic of this interview because it is all about how to navigate a relationship breakup or make-up. It’s a very practical book, and I am looking forward to compelling the reader through helpful exercises, as well as revealing a brand-new relationship model that has never been produced before.

Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion. Can you tell us a bit about your experience going through a divorce, or helping someone who was going through a divorce? What did you learn about yourself during and after the experience? Do you feel comfortable sharing a story?

Let’s use the word breakup because some non-marital relationships are just as, if not more, difficult and significant than some married ones.

This is a timely question because I have recently conducted research on breakups based on the experiences of those I have helped in the past. As counselors, we are often guided towards using grief models to support people going through a breakup. But while my research identified common grief-like themes of anger, depression, and bargaining, there was little evidence of people reaching a state of acceptance or finding meaning in their loss (especially those who had been left by their partners). The continuing existence of the partner also made it difficult to label a patient’s hope of reunion as denial. They also experienced numerous practical and emotional challenges and complications that lay completely outside of any grief model.

My major learning from this research (confirming what experience had taught me) was that the models psychologists are trained in are not that useful for post-breakup counseling. New models are needed — and they must include the possibility of reconciliation as well as permanent separation. I have designed such a model as the basis of my upcoming book, Fork in the Road: Turning relationship stumbling blocks into stepping stones.

Furthermore, I have learned that there are three main sticking points when negotiating a breakup:

Number one is we develop stories that may not be true. We get stuck in a loop of imagined scenarios that generate fury, upset, sadness, etc. We must be centered in our truth, otherwise we’re firing out lies which, like boomerangs, come back to us. What we get back is not what we actually want. It’s like saying, “I like salad cream in my sandwiches,” when you actually hate salad cream. What happens? Everyone keeps on putting salad cream in our sandwiches. That’s what it’s like not being in our truth. So if we put out that we’re angry and tough, when really we’re sad and distressed, we’ll get either admiration or condemnation. If we are honest and put out that we are struggling, we will usually receive kindness and support. So being in our truth is very important for healing. Most people hide the truth as they feel shame in what actually took place.

Secondly, I have learned the truth behind the butterfly quote: that change comes from within; we can’t stick wings on a caterpillar to make it fly. Likewise, we cannot change our partners; we can only change and develop ourselves, move on in life and make it as fulfilling and wonderful as we are able to. If our partner wants to catch up with us, that’s great. They have to see the need and motivation to change and then actually do the work of change. If they value us enough to change, then they will. Otherwise, the reason we’ve broken up will remain valid.

So really do focus on yourself. Get out of your partner’s head. Although you might have been with them for 50 years, you still don’t know how they think and feel. So stay in your own head. If it’s meant to be, it will be. And if they don’t change, you are still moving on and developing yourself.

A third learning point is to choose your battles wisely. Lawyers, accountants, and mediators love people to argue because it’s work for them and they make money. If you do involve third parties, it is often like throwing the boomerang again. You’re firing out anger. You’re using the law, accountancy, children, or something else to be vengeful or to project your hurt on to your ex. Be very mindful to stay safe and to stay true to yourself. Think about your own values, beliefs and goals. If kindness and honesty are part of these, then stay kind and stay honest. And if you can’t work these values, beliefs and goals out yourself, do this with a friend or a professional helper. Discover your new boundaries. Rediscover your self-worth because sometimes that can be battered in a relationship, especially during a breakup.

In your opinion, what are the most common mistakes people make after they go through a divorce? What can be done to avoid that?

The most common mistakes people make following a breakup is to attempt to fix their problems by serial dating, sleeping around, or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, going into their caves, not keeping in contact with people or building new connections. Lots of people do go momentarily into depression, sadness, or withdrawal. That’s quite normal, but, really, the best thing is not to spiral down. If you feel yourself spiraling down, talk to somebody about it. You will bore most people because it’s the same thing going over and over again. But that’s what we do when we’re working out change.

Another mistake is to avoid doing work on oneself and projecting everything bad on to one’s ex. On the other hand, don’t get caught up in games your ex may be playing; that’s the worst thing you can do. Step back. And don’t use social media as your platform to get at your ex or to show them how brilliant you are or how well you are because your truth is your truth. Don’t play or engage in games. Be your own best friend. Think about the lyrics to the new Miley Cyrus song, Flowers. It’s a beautiful song about how you can hold your own hand. You can buy your own flowers. You can take care of yourself. You can keep yourself company. That’s a very good song to listen to. It’s empowering.

People generally label “divorce” as being “negative”. And yes, while there are downsides, there can also be a lot of positive that comes out of it as well. What would you say that they are? Can you share an example or share a story?

A breakup is sometimes healthy for a relationship. Don’t forget, when we break up, we don’t necessarily break up for good. 60 percent of all relationships actually reconcile; they come back together again. So a breakup can be a healthy shake-up in many ways. A breakup tells you that things aren’t going right. One or both of you have reached a line that you are done with and it’s time to reflect and think, ‘Can I do things differently? Will I do things differently? Am I able to do things differently?’ So ‘can,’ ‘will,’ and ‘able’ are three factors for us to think about because all relationships are about compromise. And reconciliation depends on how much you are willing to compromise and change for that person that you love.

Now, if you don’t take the reconciliation path, a breakup can be very good because it often brings safety or relief, especially if the relationship was abusive. A breakup is also a big time for personal growth for most people. It’s a big learning experience, and while the last thing you want somebody to say to you is, ‘Gosh! This is a big learning experience,” it really is! And once you’re through it, you’ll realize what the learning was.

However, people can get stuck in a depressive and/or angry spiral, and if this happens to you or someone you know, get some professional help. It usually requires a professional to help pull somebody out of that. And it’s draining, it’s tiring. So take good care of yourself. Everyone drinks too much, eats too much, or does ‘something’ too much after a breakup. Keep this in check. If you’re drinking, take a couple of days off. If you’re eating too much, make sure you exercise.

And the best thing anyone can do with a breakup, whether it’s a breakup leading to make up or a breakup resulting in permanent separation, is to really think about what we want at the other end of it. What do we want to bring in? Because a lot of people repeat the same bad patterns and bring in more pain. Learn from what you brought in with this last relationship (or have been bringing in with all of your relationships). How much did you train that person to behave as they did? How much did you overcompensate for your past? Change it up. Tell yourself that you don’t want that any more. And see a brighter future.

Some people are scared to ‘get back out there’ and date again after being with their former spouse for many years and hearing dating horror stories. What would you say to motivate someone to get back out there and start a new beginning?

Dating horror stories are often true! Dating is tough, especially now, when we’re not dating people in our village, town or city, but on a global platform where anybody can be anybody. So safety is number one.

We need time. People that jump in too fast may have hookup sex or may start a relationship they’re not ready for. That’s not fair to them, and it’s certainly not fair to the person that’s hoping to have a relationship with them. To them, I would say be kind and thoughtful to both yourself and the person you’re involving.

How do we know when we’re ready for the next relationship? I think really finding peace with ourselves first is good. Then it is about meeting the right person. In the 21st Century, we are, for all intents and purposes, a very segregated society, so we do have to use apps or dating sites, etc.

There is a large body of research suggesting that if we do have a relationship (either sexual or emotional) after a breakup, it can help us heal. But it depends on the person, of course. Will you be attracting people that are toxic or abusive? Will predators see you as ripe for the picking? Possibly so, and that’s where the horror stories lie.

Revisit your own values, beliefs, and goals. Clarify the top three of each. Write them down, carry them with you, and think about them. Think about how you would defend your values and beliefs and make your goals actually happen in your life. And then, when you’re ready, bring in somebody that’s going to be a nice addition to your life once you know who you are. We have to get in touch with our truth. You weren’t the same person that you were when you went into your last relationship. You come out very different in so many ways. Recognize that. Re-evaluate yourself. Value yourself. And then think about being open to somebody coming into your life.

What is the one thing people going through a divorce should be open to changing?

When going through a breakup, one thing we should change is how we manage our anger. All breakups come with change and all humans fear that. We don’t manage change very well (unless it’s a very positive change, such as winning a million dollars!) But most changes come with losses, and with loss comes anger. It’s natural to be defensive and want to protect ourselves. So we have a look at how we usually manage anger, how your family managed anger (how you were trained to manage anger), and how you’ve managed anger in your relationships. For example, you might be submissive and hide your anger, letting it build up until you implode, and that can lead to all sorts of dangerous self-harm, etc. Or you might be somebody that lashes out indiscriminately. I would say keep your anger in check but be in touch with it. Really understand where it’s coming from. What are the fears around it? That will bring you peace. People that ignore or hold onto their anger aren’t peaceful people. They’re their own worst enemies.

Ok, here is the main question of our discussion. If you had a close friend come to you for advice after a divorce, what are 5 things you would advise in order to survive and thrive after the divorce? Can you please give a story or example for each?

First, get in touch with your truth. If you don’t do that, you’ll get stuck in a cycle of stories. We make up stories to protect ourselves. We make up stories that are acceptable to ourselves. In therapy, the first thing I do with people is unpack these stories. I ask them, “OK, so what’s going on?” and they tell me this story. Once we’ve built up an alliance, I say, “OK, let’s break the story down. Something’s not making sense here.”

For example, they might be talking about a bright future of getting back together despite there being no ongoing communication with their ex. So I might ask them, “Why are you stuck in this hope cycle? What is the hope doing for you? Is it helping you or hindering you?”

Second, understand the Serenity Prayer. I always bring this in because it reminds us that we can change ourselves but we can’t change somebody else. Returning to the earlier quote about the butterfly, you can put wings on a caterpillar but it won’t fly because change has to come from within. During a relationship breakup, many people focus on trying to change their partners. Well, that’s not going to happen. Their partner has to change themselves. It doesn’t matter what they promise, they have to deliver that change. So my advice would be to understand that you’re only in charge of your own agency, not your partner’s.

My third piece of advice would be to make sure you’re secure. Protect your will, bank accounts, credit cards, and anything else that could be used as a weapon against you. If you have children, make sure they are secure and protected, and make sure you’re safe if there is any domestic violence or abuse. With breakups, both partners are responsible for anger, grief, and all the other emotions that show up. There is usually some resentment. There is usually anger, and after a breakup, people will often use lawyers (lawyers love a good argument because they make a fortune). So be very careful who you bring into the arena. Don’t start whistleblowing: it can backfire. And don’t forget, if you’re hurting the person that’s the mother or father of your children, it’s going to hurt their security too. So don’t bring in third parties unless your safety is an issue. Try to resolve issues through mediation: it’s much cheaper and much more effective. Or go to a counselor. Counselors aren’t just there to reconcile relationships. They can also help relationships to end in a healthy manner. I’ve been doing that for 30 years.

Number four, bring in a ritual. There are no breakup ceremonies. We usually have a big ceremony for getting together (engagement party, wedding, civil ceremony, etc.), but when we break up, it’s like a death but without the recognition. And we need ceremony and rituals, as humans, to draw a line underneath a dead relationship. So observing a ritual is a very good way to go forward, to draw a line for yourself. Even if you are hopeful that the relationship will come together again, you need a ceremony to say, ‘What I knew as a relationship with this person has ended. It’s dead. It’s gone. I bring in any positive ways of this relationship being in the future, or I wish myself peace and fulfillment and meeting somebody that complements my life in the future.’

The ritual can be lighting a candle. It can be putting something in a bottle and burying it. It can even be having a party. Divorce parties are on the rise, but you’ve got to be careful because other people can influence you.

And that would be my final piece of advice. Be careful who you are around after a breakup. Some people can be very negative and damning about the relationship. Some people can be very positive and hopeful. Some people can project onto you what their relationships were like and then ask you to start to think or behave in the ways they did. You really must maintain your own executive function over this and understand what it is you want.

If you are going to make up, you need to stay away from people that have doomed your relationship and said bad things about you as a couple, at least until you have cemented your new relationship.

If you are breaking up, maybe you need to give those people who say, “I hope you get back together again,” and, “You’re brilliant together,” a little bit of a wide berth for a while. You can then actually close the relationship without others planting seeds of hope. Just be careful.

The stress of a divorce can take a toll on both one’s mental and emotional health. In your opinion or experience, what are a few things people going through a divorce can do to alleviate this pain and anguish?

Every day, when going through a breakup, make sure you get outside, even if it’s going to the corner shop for something or going into the garden to potter. Take your dog to the park (or offer to take a neighbor’s dog for a walk). Go for a walk in nature. If you’re disabled, make sure your carer gets you out into the open.

Recent research on exercise has shown that people that exercise in their home, office or in a gym don’t benefit as much from that exercise as people that go outside into the street, park or countryside. If you get outside in the elements, you can feel the world. There’s a different energy outside. People run and work in all sorts of weather, so get outside whether it’s raining, sunny, windy, snowing (although not during a thunderstorm, of course). Put up an umbrella, or put on a sun-hat, and get out there.

If you really can’t get out one day, then do an activity. Tidy that kitchen cupboard or restore that piece of furniture — anything to get yourself physically engaged with the world. Otherwise you will be in your head too much, and that’s not healing. Fix that wicker basket. Yes, people used to make and mend wicker baskets as psychological therapy. It works because they’re focusing on something which helps both sides of the brain work together. You can listen to Gregorian chant which makes both sides of the brain hum at the same rhythm and at the same time. That’s very healing because it brings harmony to the mind, body and spirit.

Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?

I would recommend reading Dealing with the Elephant in the Room, by Mike Bechtle and Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, by Richard Carson. Yuval Noah Harari’s books, including 21 Lessons for the 21st Century, are very insightful, supportive and thought-provoking. I also like and recommend Aesop Fables.

If you’re watching movies or listening to music, make sure they are harmonious or upbeat. Upbeat films are really great for the mood, while harmonious, uplifting music changes the rhythms in our bodies.

I should also mention a couple of books that I’ve written about relationships: one about parenting, including parenting adult children (Raw Facts from Real Parents); one about toxic relationships and learning how to leave them permanently (Learning How To Leave), and one in the pipeline about navigating relationship breakup (Fork in the Road).

Because of the position that you are in, you are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

I’m in the process of bringing together a panel of global experts to help discuss how we can criminalize narcissistic behavior within toxic relationships, a major cause of harm and pain in this world. If we can change the laws and practices around domestic abuse, I feel we will bring a lot of good into this world.

We are very blessed that very prominent leaders read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them :-)

If he were still with us, I would like to meet Carl Jung because he discovered a connection between all humans around the world. Whether you’re in an apartment in Manhattan, a basement in Earl’s Court, or a treehouse in the Amazon, we are connected through the collective unconscious. This can act almost like a sixth sense. So much work has been conducted since Carl Jung’s days and this connection has been proven over and over. So I think he’s the ultimate relationship guru because he understood that while all humans are unique, we’re all connected on a more spiritual, more unconscious level.

Thank you for these great insights and for the time you spent with this interview. We wish you only continued success!