Dr Michael Acton of MPA Mind On How To Listen Effectively To Succeed Personally And Professionally
An Interview With Doug Noll
Give a reward. Tell the person that they really have helped you understand the situation. It can be very important for somebody to hear, “Well, that really makes sense to me.” Make them understand that they’ve got inside your head, and that you’re thinking about the issue. Then, maybe, draw up a plan to do something together.
It’s hard to be a good listener. We are programmed to want to talk, and to share. It takes effort to stop and to listen. But anyone who has achieved great success will tell you that listening is such an important quality to have. What are some ways that influential people have learned to listen, to succeed both personally and professionally? As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Michael Acton.
Dr. Michael Acton (Psy.D., M.Ed. (Psych.) Hons., M.A. C.Psych) of MPAMind.com is a consultant, psychologist, counselor, clinical supervisor, legal consultant, trained scientist practitioner and author with over 30 years of clinical experience.
Michael is humbled by how much he has learned from those that have sought his help and is dedicated to paying this forward through his powerful, easy-to-read books. His Power of You series includes the titles Learning How To Leave and Raw Facts From Real Parents which are available on Amazon paperback, Amazon Kindle, Audible (audiobook), Apple Books and most popular bookstores.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
My childhood was spent between Ireland and England. During a particularly difficult time in my teen years, I ended up living in a car. One day, at three in the morning, I had a sudden awakening . I realized, for the first time, that my life was completely in my own hands, and whatever happened from that moment on was up to me. So I learnt as much as I could about the world, and I became a teacher and then a university lecturer.
Despite traveling the world, and enjoying many varied teaching roles, I knew my career lay elsewhere. As a teen, I had wanted to join the priesthood as a way of helping people.
The moment I stumbled across pastoral care, while working in a college in Sydney, Australia, I knew that psychology was my real calling. I studied for my qualifications, learnt everything I could about the field and worked in both public healthcare and private practice for over 30 years. I feel honored to have learnt so much from all of the people I have worked with over this time.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
One of my favorite life lesson quotes of the moment is, “Adding wings to caterpillars does not create butterflies.” Change has to come from within.
Is there a particular book, podcast, or film that made a significant impact on you? Can you share a story or explain why it resonated with you so much?
There are so many I could mention, but 21 Lessons for the 21st Century by Yuval Noah Harari jumps out as a recent example. Harari amazes me with his insight into so many aspects of modern life. It has changed the way I look at life and helped me act with more precision and purpose.
Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion. Let’s begin with a definition of terms so that each of us and our readers are on the same page. What exactly does being a good listener mean?
Being a good listener has to involve active listening, and people in my field are trained to be active listeners. Without active listening, You can listen to somebody without necessarily hearing them. Actually hearing somebody is very impactful and effective.
How do we listen actively? We pay attention to what’s being said, but we’re also preparing mental summaries in our heads, and, sometimes, looking behind what’s being said. We might look at body language, but really, active listening is to be with the person speaking in the place they are at, rather than reacting from our position. We have to listen to people as if it’s a learning experience where we are learning about that person or what they’re experiencing or feeling.
Why is effective listening such an important quality? Can you give a story or example to explain what you mean?
Effective listening enables us to think about what the other person is saying and understand why they are communicating this with us. To help this process, let the other person guide the conversation because sometimes people will present with one thing because they’re not ready to tell you something else. Then, all of a sudden, they get the courage to reveal their real issue. But they will never find that courage if they’re interrupted.
In relationship work, we have to make sure that both parties are speaking their truth and hearing each other because people react differently to hearing another person express their feelings or worries.
From your experience or perspective, what are some of the common barriers that hold someone back from being a good listener?
Emotional reaction and conflict. If people are in conflict, they will be reacting to get their point of view across and almost try to smother the other person. It’s very difficult for some people to accept feelings and sit with somebody that’s acting out or not telling the truth. But really, we have to hear what the person’s saying and then act accordingly in the best interest of both parties, to help them negotiate a way forward that will be effective, supportive, and helpful.
What are some practical techniques that have helped you become a more effective listener?
The honest truth? I stick the nail of my thumb into my hand to make sure that I remember to hear what’s being said. I have to use this trick because when I finish a day of work, I can be really tired and I’m done focusing on other people. If a family member wants to talk to me before I take my shoes off and socks off (because I always do that when I finish work), I have to explain to them, “Hold on a second. I hear what you’re saying. Just let me get settled, and then we’ll sit down and talk.” So another practical technique, if you really need to be attentive, is to choose an appropriate time and place to talk.
Of course, if a person is screaming something as they’re going out, make sure you hear that because they might be telling you that they’re going to be late, they’re going to be early, something is going to change, etc. We’re not always on each other’s time schedules. Sometimes you just have to say, “OK, I’m going to stop what I’m doing and give you this time because you clearly need to communicate something to me.” But make sure things are safe. So take the pan off the stove, pull the car over, etc.
Sometimes, just taking a deep breath can help you be in the present and listen effectively.
Here is the central question of our discussion. What are five ways that listening effectively can help someone succeed personally and professionally? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1. Approaching listening as learning will improve your personal and professional relationships. So when you’re listening to somebody, hear what they’re saying and don’t be scared to take notes.
In a work situation, active listening will improve your performance. It’s amazing how many people make mistakes just because they didn’t listen to instruction or missed vital information.
2 . Clarify the purpose behind a communication. You might just be there to listen because the person needs support. Or you might be expected to take action, for example, changing aspects of your performance at work to increase your chances of promotion.
Ask open questions such as, “What are some alternative explanations?”, “What aren’t you telling me?”, “That seems very complicated. Can you tell me more?” Open questions will help you with relationship issues, work issues, and life goals.
It will benefit your relationships if you let people finish what they’re saying. Even if the person’s struggling, let them finish because they may need that space to gather their thoughts and get their message out. That’s what we do in therapy if a person’s in crisis: we listen to everything they are saying and only then do we work out how to process and act on that information.
If the person you’re listening to does get absolutely flummoxed and stuck, some of the best phrases for moving things forward are, “I think you just told me…”, or, “Would you like me to ask you that question again?” or, “I can hear what you’re trying to tell me, but I’m not sure what my action should be.”
Enquire as to their feelings, ask them if they need to be reminded of what the conversation’s about or encourage them to expand upon what they’re saying.
At the end, summarize the conversation. Give constructive feedback. Explain what you’ve heard and clarify what you need to do with it.
3 . Give a reward. Tell the person that they really have helped you understand the situation. It can be very important for somebody to hear, “Well, that really makes sense to me.” Make them understand that they’ve got inside your head, and that you’re thinking about the issue. Then, maybe, draw up a plan to do something together.
4. Pay attention to your body language. It’s very important to show you are being attentive by not slouching back into your chair with your legs crossed, tapping your foot. Think about how a doctor would sit in a doctor’s office. Think about how an interviewer on TV looks. Model the body language. Lean slightly forward. Tilt your head slightly. Keep eye contact. Don’t fiddle. Nod where appropriate as if to say, “Yes, I’m hearing what you’re saying.” Use facial expressions to show empathy.
5 . Make sure you’re treating the person talking like a VIP. You need to make them feel that they are the center of your world, so even if you’ve got something else on your mind, hear them!
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?
Ahead of World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day, I am gathering a panel of experts in various fields to discuss how we can change the law to better recognise, intervene in and eliminate narcissistic behavior within relationships. These toxic behaviors cause so much suffering, and lead to many tragic deaths, so turning the tide in this area will definitely benefit society as a whole.
Is there a person in the world whom you would love to have lunch with, and why? Maybe we can tag them and see what happens!
You won’t be able to tag them, but I would love to meet Mother Teresa and Mahatma Gandhi for lunch. Mother Teresa truly listened to people and she was the model of how to listen actively. She really heard what people’s needs and wants were. Gandhi did the same thing: he inspired significant change through hearing people and being an amazing empath.
How can our readers continue to follow your work online?
You can keep in touch with me and my work by visiting mpamind.com. You can subscribe to my newsletter via my contact form, and also browse my books, read reviews and link to blog posts and media articles.
You can also see me on various social media platforms, and Googling my name will also bring up some of my online contributions.
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
About the Interviewer: Douglas E. Noll, JD, MA was born nearly blind, crippled with club feet, partially deaf, and left-handed. He overcame all of these obstacles to become a successful civil trial lawyer. In 2000, he abandoned his law practice to become a peacemaker. His calling is to serve humanity, and he executes his calling at many levels. He is an award-winning author, teacher, and trainer. He is a highly experienced mediator. Doug’s work carries him from international work to helping people resolve deep interpersonal and ideological conflicts. Doug teaches his innovative de-escalation skill that calms any angry person in 90 seconds or less. With Laurel Kaufer, Doug founded Prison of Peace in 2009. The Prison of Peace project trains life and long terms incarcerated people to be powerful peacemakers and mediators. He has been deeply moved by inmates who have learned and applied deep, empathic listening skills, leadership skills, and problem-solving skills to reduce violence in their prison communities. Their dedication to learning, improving, and serving their communities motivates him to expand the principles of Prison of Peace so that every human wanting to learn the skills of peace may do so. Doug’s awards include California Lawyer Magazine Lawyer of the Year, Best Lawyers in America Lawyer of the Year, Purpose Prize Fellow, International Academy of Mediators Syd Leezak Award of Excellence, National Academy of Distinguished Neutrals Neutral of the Year. His four books have won a number of awards and commendations. Doug’s podcast, Listen With Leaders, is now accepting guests. Click on this link to learn more and apply.
