Dr. Michael Acton of MPAMind On How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected
An interview with Pirie Jones Grossman
The most important thing is to set boundaries — rules and consequences — and be consistent with them. Children need consistency. We are habitual beings. Empty threats or consequences you will not or cannot follow through with will make a rod for your own back and is certainly bad training for your children.
Parenting is challenging. We all try so hard to give our all to our children. We desperately want them to feel loved and connected. But somehow there is often a disconnect. Perhaps it’s a generational thing, or that we don’t seem to speak the same language as our children, or just all of the “disconnection” that our kids are dealing with in today’s frenetic world. What are steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? As a part of our series about “How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected” we had the pleasure to interview Dr. Michael Acton.
Dr. Michael Acton (Psy.D., M.Ed. (Psych.) Hons., M.A. C.Psych) of MPAMind.com is a consultant, psychologist, counselor, clinical supervisor, legal consultant, trained scientist practitioner and author with over 30 years of clinical experience.
Michael is humbled by how much he has learned from those that have sought his help and is dedicated to paying this forward through his powerful, easy-to-read books. His Power of You series includes the titles Learning How To Leave and Raw Facts From Real Parents which are available on Amazon paperback, Amazon Kindle, Audible (audiobook), Apple Books and most popular bookstores.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to get to know a bit about you. Can you tell us your “childhood backstory”?
I grew up in both Ireland and England to an Irish father and English mother, and I initially felt the priesthood was my future. Following a challenging childhood, I found myself living in a car at the age of 17. One early morning, I awoke to a realization that I was the master of my own destiny, I could do and be anything. I was fortunate enough to see a card in the window of our local convenience store: room for rent. Devi Breeze, the landlady, took a chance on this ‘clearly’ homeless kid. I never looked back.
From that moment on, I followed a path into the teaching profession, eventual traveling around the world as a teacher and lecturer in schools, colleges and universities. An experience with pastoral care in Sydney, Australia turned me full circle, and I pursued a career in psychology through which I could fulfill my calling to help people.
Can you share the story about what brought you to this specific point in your career?
I have over 30 years of clinical experience, in both public service and private practice. I have worked with thousands of people: individuals, couples and families, and I have worked, first hand, with many different parenting issues.
I decided I wanted to reach even more people, so I drew on my work and personal life experiences to publish several books on relationships, a way of me paying it forward. My book Raw Facts From Real Parents was written to help people from all backgrounds to understand how to be ‘OK enough’ parents in the challenging 21st Century. Parenting experts, from various fields, have contributed to the book, and I have added personal insight from my experience as a single dad for much of my time in university.
Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the core of our discussion. This is probably intuitive to many, but it would be beneficial to spell it out. Based on your experience or research, can you explain to us why it is so important to forge a strong connection with our children?
Your question immediately catapults me to the first five years of a child’s life. The memory’s not really set by that time, but people don’t realize that zero to five is the most accelerated time in a child’s learning. Throughout their life, they will never have another time that is so intense. If you think about it, we learn how to talk, walk, mimic faces, express ourselves, and become independent. In five years, going from a womb to being able to run around a playground, interacting with other humans and talking (if we’re a healthy child) is phenomenal.
In those five years, we learn all the emotional stuff too which includes attachment and bonding with our caregivers. It’s so wonderful to see the Princess of Wales, Princess Catherine bringing this into the spotlight with her campaign, Shaping Us, because those first five years really do affect us for the rest of our lives. In her words, “These are the most preventive years. By focusing our collective time, energy and resources to build a supportive, nurturing world around the youngest members of our society and those caring for them, we can make a huge difference to the health and happiness of generations to come.
“All of society has a role to play in this, even if you are not directly involved in a child’s life, because we are all responsible for building a more compassionate world in which our children can grow, learn and live.
“In these difficult times, it is more important than ever to help support parents and caregivers provide loving safe and secure homes for their babies and young children to survive.”
She is so right. Spot on! To not receive this safety and security as a child causes all sorts of issues as we are going through our teens and adult lives. It really destroys people.
What happens when children do not have that connection, or only have a weak connection?
This is the problem. If a child isn’t secure, they will start to act out. For instance, if a child isn’t getting fed on time or receiving attention when they ask for it — within moderation; they have to learn boundaries through these experiences — they are going to start acting out with aggression towards their parents and possibly their peers. As a child, my daughter was dismissed from three different playschools because she was biting, and we had to work out what was going on with her. So, yes, we need to be careful of what we’re doing in those first five years. A lot of people treat children like they are food processors that are in the way. People need to understand what parenting truly is before having children. It is commitment and hard work!
The first five years are difficult. It’s a massive change for the parents, especially if they are both working and juggling childcare, etc. Childcare is good because you’ve got a professional trained to give the child what they need in those hours when you’re working. But we do need to make sure that the children are getting a consistent, stable, loving, thoughtful, kind, engaging and challenging — in a healthy way — environment as they grow. If they don’t, it’s going to cause issues with anger, trust and future relationship bonding. And this is not a case of ‘maybe’, it’s definite. And if a child doesn’t have consistency at home, maybe their parents are on drugs or are unstable or have mental health problems, or they have a crisis in the family which disrupts their care, that child will grow up in chaos. They will triple-check everything because they’re not sure what the boundaries are or what the holding pattern is. And it leads to very disturbed, very untrusting, very concerned adults.
Do you think children in this generation are less likely to feel loved and connected? Why do you feel the way you do?
I don’t think it’s generational. Children can get as much love, attention and holding as they ever did in history. In fact, more so because we’re more educated as a society. We’ve got this thing called the internet which gives us all sorts of information on things, a large proportion of which is really helpful. Most of us can read and we’ve got free videos and TV. So we can all train ourselves in what’s important (e.g., by reading this interview right now).
However, there are different challenges today; for example, where both parents are working. Don’t forget we have a huge amount of poverty, even in the Western world, that puts strains and stresses on a family, and that means that the family is sometimes not providing what the children need. But equally, my patients in golden cages in LA, and titles and public figures that I’ve worked with over the years, also have their own challenges because they are pulled from pillar to post; they have their own private battles. This issue knows no boundaries. You can be poor or wealthy. You can be uneducated or extremely well educated. You can even be in the field of psychology, nursing, medicine, etc. and still not provide your children with what they need. Or you might be doing an excellent job. It’s really down to individual families.
And don’t forget — and this is a very important thing for your readers — the way you were parented isn’t necessarily the best way to parent in the 21st Century. I make this very clear in my book, Raw Facts From Real Parents. I’ve worked with thousands and thousands of families and shared, in my book, how other parents have really helped their children to excel. It’s worth a read. Having a co-parent or caregiver that is not helpful or toxic is also covered in my book, but that’s too big a subject to delve into here. That scenario makes everything so much more difficult.
We live in a world with incessant demands for our time and attention. There is so much distraction and disconnection. Can you share with our readers 5 steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? Please include examples or stories for each, if you can.
Absolutely, and I’ll start off with Richard Branson. He’s known to be an amazing father to his two children, and he coined the phrase: ‘the dadpreneur’. Many people don’t realize he started off on a houseboat in London, and he used to have meetings on the boat when his children were toddlers running around all over the place. He decided that if business clients and colleagues wanted to avoid the fact that he was a dad, or did not want to be involved with his family, then he wouldn’t want to do business with them anyway. And that’s been his premise all the way through his career. He’s always carved out time for his children, and we can all do that.
It doesn’t matter how tired we are, how much in pain we are, or whatever. We do have different demands on us in the 21st Century. Instead of fighting bears, running away from other villagers, and protecting our home we go to work, go shopping, keep the emails at bay and try to balance our lives. But we can all carve out time, and if you say you can’t, then you’re kidding yourself, and you’re not doing your children the very best you can do for them. So you really need to reflect and look at yourself hard in the mirror. Change is tough, yes, but we will all benefit from seeing the need to change and taking those steps. One at a time. And it’s not the length of time we spend with our children, it’s the quality of time that’s important.
Second, turn your devices off. In my book Raw Facts from Real Parents, I explain that if an emergency surgeon can sit down with his family for an hour and a half, with his or her phone turned off, and all the other phones turned off, so can you.
A third step would be finding out what your children enjoy and what their strengths and skills are. Have FUN engaging with your child in what they enjoy and are good at, rather than making them do what you feel they should be doing. Develop a bond with them. Play together.
Next, I think the most important thing is to set boundaries — rules and consequences — and be consistent with them. Children need consistency. We are habitual beings. Empty threats or consequences you will not or cannot follow through with will make a rod for your own back and is certainly bad training for your children.
Finally, create rituals, events and traditions with your children. There was a huge movement, 10 or 15 years ago, where parents said, ‘We’re not going to be Hallmark people. We’re not going to celebrate Valentine’s or Hallowe’en because we’re too intellectual.’ Well, children were being damaged because they weren’t doing what their peers were doing; they felt left out and not considered. So celebrate everything with your children, and do it in a way that the children can enjoy it too!
How do you define a “good parent”? Can you give an example or story?
Good and bad are binary, so let’s say an ‘OK enough’ parent. An OK enough parent is one that double-checks what they’re doing, that allows their children to grow and detach, understanding that they are living their own unique lives in so many ways. Their children need guidance.
I always tell parents that everything is negotiable except education, wellbeing, and health. Parental control in these areas is mandatory until the child is old enough and legal enough to take care of themselves. Before that time, it’s a fine balance between push and pull. Make sure that they are developing their character, and that they’ve got enough room to grow, develop and become independent whilst having your expert guidance and support. You are their consultant! And hear me, I’m saying support them, don’t enable them. The worst type of parent, in my book, is a parent that enables bad behavior or poor thoughts. They think they might be helping their child but they’re not.
How do you inspire your child to “dream big”? Can you give an example or story?
Make sure they know there is no real ceiling in life. Help them to build stepping stones towards their vision. Make sure it is their vision and not yours or someone else’s. For example, if they dream of being a football player or actor, support them in choosing activities that could help them achieve their dreams (clubs, summer camps, trials, etc.) while ensuring their education, health and wellbeing are prioritized alongside this.
How would you define “success” when it comes to raising children?
Success is to have healthy, balanced children who are independent and can make their own positive decisions. Help your children to be kind. Kindness should not be underrated. If your child is kind to self and others and can make wise decisions, then you are successful. But be mindful; children have their own mechanisms and agency. They are ultimately their own bosses. If your child is hugely successful, it is through their choices and work. It is not the parents’ achievement no matter how you provided for them or supported them. Equally, if your child is a serial killer or has fallen on hard times, it is through their work and choices. It is not a direct result of your parenting. Very successful people can start life out in dire circumstances or great circumstances. The same goes for the opposite. Dangerous or hurtful people can come from any parenting or environmental circumstances.
This is a huge topic in itself, but it would be worthwhile to touch upon it here. What are some ideal social media and digital habits that you think parents should teach to their children?
Elon Musk gets mixed press, but I’m in complete agreement with him on the need for an overhaul of our education system. To optimize our industries (medicine, technology, construction, etc,), we need children to have a 4C education: critical thinking, creative thinking, communication and collaboration. If we can help children to use digital and social media technology safely, by teaching about healthy boundaries, while also using it to develop that critical thinking, creative thinking, etc., then we would be in a very good position to use them as effective tools. Most children are socialized on social media and digital platforms, but they could also use these technologies as a learning base for what we need in the world.
It would be very wrong of us, as parents in the 21st Century, to put our children out there without understanding social media and the digital world, both the safety aspect and how to best use it to develop useful human skills. In my book Raw Facts from Real Parents, I interviewed Sharon Pursey OBE, and we had a very good discussion about her life’s work which is safety for all children in the digital world. Every parent needs to read that one chapter. Thank you, Sharon, for all the work you do!
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a better parent? Can you explain why you like them?
There are too many inspiring resources to mention, but most of my true inspiration comes from my patients and from the lessons I have gleaned from my personal, professional and academic experience. My life’s work is to help people live better lives and pay this forward.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
Ralph Waldo Emerson’s A Successful Life encapsulates everything I feel is a true mark of a human who is doing well in this world of ours, no matter their position. It is a truly amazing quote, and it has been a close inspiration to me all my adult life. I always have a copy hanging near my desk:
To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people
And the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
And endure the betrayal of false friends
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others.
To leave the world a bit better,
Whether by a healthy child,
A garden path or a redeemed social condition.
To know even one life has breathed easier
Because you have lived.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
I’m currently gathering a panel of experts across several fields to help criminalize narcissistic behavior and toxic relationships. I believe that by helping to change legislation and the way we manage and report domestic violence, we can resolve and prevent many tragedies in the world.
Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!
About The Interviewer: Pirie is a TedX speaker, author and a Life Empowerment Coach. She is a co-host of Own your Throne podcast, inspiring women in the 2nd chapter of their lives. With over 20 years in front of the camera, Pirie Grossman understands the power of storytelling. After success in commercials and acting. She spent 10 years reporting for E! Entertainment Television, Entertainment Tonight, also hosted ABC’s “Every Woman”. Her work off-camera capitalizes on her strength, producing, bringing people together for unique experiences. She produced a Children’s Day of Compassion during the Dalai Lama’s visit here in 2005. 10,000 children attended, sharing ideas about compassion with His Holiness. From 2006–2009, Pirie Co-chaired the Special Olympics World Winter Games, in Idaho, welcoming 3,000 athletes from over 150 countries. She founded Destiny Productions to create Wellness Festivals and is an Advisory Board member of the Sun Valley Wellness Board.In February 2017, Pirie produced, “Love is Louder”, a Brain Health Summit, bringing in Kevin Hines, noted suicide survivor to Sun Valley who spoke to school kids about suicide. Sun Valley is in the top 5% highest suicide rate per capita in the Northwest, prompting a community initiative with St. Luke’s and other stake holders, to begin healing. She lives in Sun Valley with her two children, serves on the Board of Community School. She has her Master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica and is an Executive Life Empowerment Coach, where she helps people meet their dreams and goals! The difference between a dream and a goal is that a goal is a dream with a date on it!
