Dr. Michelle Pearce of the University of Maryland: 5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change

Expand Courageously. To become more than we were before this painful event occurred, we must expand, and expanding requires action and courage. As a wise person once advised me, take small steps that cause you to stretch, but never so large that you splatter. I suggest people make a blooming in the dark list. Here you can list things like new hobbies and experiences you want to have and the small and big steps you’ll need to get there. Then one by one, courageously engage in those activities. The more you act in ways that line up with the vision of your fully bloomed self, the more you begin to bloom in the dark.

The world seems to be reeling from one crisis to another. We’ve experienced a global pandemic, economic uncertainty, political and social turmoil. Then there are personal traumas that people are dealing with, such as the loss of a loved one, health issues, unemployment, divorce or the loss of a job.

Coping with change can be traumatic as it often affects every part of our lives.

How do you deal with loss or change in your life? What coping strategies can you use? Do you ignore them and just push through, or do you use specific techniques?

In this series called “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change” we are interviewing successful people who were able to heal after a difficult life change such as the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or other personal hardships. We are also talking to Wellness experts, Therapists, and Mental Health Professionals who can share lessons from their experience and research.

As a part of this interview series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Michelle Pearce.

Dr. Michelle Pearce is a clinical psychologist, board certified health and wellness coach, and Professor at the University of Maryland, Baltimore. Dr. Pearce’s latest book, “Night Bloomers: 12 Principles for Thriving in Adversity,” is a compassionate guide for navigating loss and transforming through difficult life events. In her private coaching practice, she empowers clients with new perspectives and practical, evidence-based tools so they can live healthier, happier, more resilient lives.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?

I was born and raised in Canada in a city just south of Toronto. My accent slips out only occasionally these days, now that I’ve lived in the United States for just over 20 years. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized I had unconsciously chosen a career path that integrated the professions and passions of each of my parents. My father is a university professor, my mother is an ordained minister, and my stepmother is a therapist. And, I’m a clinical psychologist and university professor who researches, among other things, the relationship between spirituality and health. I’m grateful for the positive way each of my parents influenced me and helped prepare me for my life’s work.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

My favorite quote is from Ernest Hemingway’s A Farewell to Arms: “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.” I’ve always been fascinated by how some people seem to emerge from life crises better and stronger than they were before the crisis. When I got to graduate school, I learned that psychologists call this phenomenon “post-traumatic growth.” I’ve been through the breaking and then strengthening that Hemingway refers to several times in my life. Each time, this quote reminds me that life crises are inevitable. And, importantly, it gives me hope that I can emerge stronger than I was before the adversity began.

You have been blessed with much success. In your opinion, what are the top three qualities that you possess that have helped you accomplish so much? If you can, please share a story or example for each.

As a young child, my Dad helped me to believe that I could achieve anything I put my mind to. When I was eleven years old, I saw a picture of my Dad dressed up in a funny crimson robe with a black square cap on his head. I asked if he was wearing a Halloween costume and he told me it was his Harvard graduation gown. He explained what a PhD was and said, “That could be you one day.” I knew then that one day I too would graduate from an Ivy league school with my PhD. And, 18 years later, my Dad proudly took a picture of me wearing my own funny robe, this time in Yale blue.

The next quality goes along with the first one; that is, perseverance. We can believe in ourselves all we want, but if we aren’t willing to get back up when we fail or persevere when things are taking longer than we planned, we’ll never achieve our goals. I’m one of those people that finishes what she starts. This stubborn determination to not give up has helped me get through some difficult times in life with my health, relationships, and career.

Finally, I’m committed to living a life that positively impacts others. I have been blessed with many opportunities and resources, and it’s important to me that I use what I’ve been given to encourage, inspire hope, and improve the lives of those around me.

Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘Healing after Loss’. Based on your experiences and knowledge, what advice would you give others to help them get through a difficult life challenge? What are your “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change? Please share a story or example for each.

1 . Set an Intention to Bloom. Research has consistently shown that people who experience traumatic events often report positive changes because of their struggle, such as changes in their outlook, priorities, life satisfaction, relationships, and spirituality. The people they become and the impact they later have on the world is not despite the negative event; it’s because of it.

I call this type of transformation through adversity “blooming in the dark,” and I provide the tools we need to experience this in my book, “Night Bloomers: 12 Principles for Thriving in Adversity.” Just like some flowers require the dark to bloom, some people need the dark times in life to grow and transform. I call us Night Bloomers. When we set an intention to bloom in the dark, perhaps to develop certain character traits or to create a new focus for our lives, we not only feel more hopeful, but we also set ourselves up to experience those positive changes.

You can set an intention to bloom by answering these questions: How do I want to be or show up in life during this difficult time? What positive growth might be possible for me as a result of this experience? How will I know that I bloomed in the dark? And what do I need to do to set myself to bloom?

2. Grieve before Growing. It’s important that we feel and express our emotions. I call this “grieving before growing.” We need to acknowledge what we lost, how difficult this experience is, and how much we hurt. We can do this by sharing how we’re feeling with a close friend, journaling, spending quiet time in meditation, or talking with a therapist or clergy member. When we give ourselves time and permission to process our emotions, we allow them to move through us rather than making a permanent home in us.

3. Support your Bloom. We need to surround ourselves with supportive people when we’re going through loss and other difficult situations. During these times, we’re a lot like vulnerable plants that need to be “staked” or supported as they are growing. We, too, need to be supported as we go through our blooming process. This might look like reaching out to friends, family, therapists, faith leaders, support groups, and others who care about our well-being. No one person can meet all our support needs, so do your best to have several people who can encourage you during this time.

4. Mine Your Mess. I use the phrase “mine your mess” to describe the process of examining the difficult thing that happened in our life, so that we can learn from our painful experiences. We can ask ourselves questions such as, what have I learned about myself, others, and life through this experience? What is most important to me and am I living accordingly? What do I want to let go of that no longer serves me? The insights and wisdom we can glean in the dark times in life are priceless. Be sure to take the time to mine you mess and gather your gems.

5. Expand Courageously. To become more than we were before this painful event occurred, we must expand, and expanding requires action and courage. As a wise person once advised me, take small steps that cause you to stretch, but never so large that you splatter. I suggest people make a blooming in the dark list. Here you can list things like new hobbies and experiences you want to have and the small and big steps you’ll need to get there. Then one by one, courageously engage in those activities. The more you act in ways that line up with the vision of your fully bloomed self, the more you begin to bloom in the dark.

Let’s discuss this in more specific terms. After the dust settles, what coping mechanisms would you suggest to deal with the pain of the loss or change?

Journaling is a powerful tool for healing and transformation. We have over 30 years’ worth of empirical evidence demonstrating the mental and physical health benefits of writing about difficult life experiences. Journaling allows us to process our feelings, adopt new perspectives, find meaning, and create a narrative for challenging experiences, all of which are important elements for healing after adversity.

We also need to learn to challenge and change our negative thinking. We often believe an event caused us to feel a certain way, but the truth is that our interpretation — our thinking — about that event is what caused us to feel the way we do. That’s good news because we can’t control a lot of what happens to us, but we can control how we think about what happens to us.

There are two great questions we can ask ourselves when identify a negative thought. First, is this thought true? If not, we need to change it. Second, sometimes thoughts are true and, if so, we can ask ourselves: is this thought helpful? Usually, it’s not helpful to ruminate on a negative thought, so we can turn our attention elsewhere.

How can one learn to heal and “let go” of the negative aspects of that event?

There is a brilliant quote from a Kellogg’s Special K commercial that gives us a different perspective on letting go. In that commercial, individuals are asked, “What will you gain when you lose?” In this context, the question referred to weight loss, but I think it can apply to all kinds of situations in life. We often resist letting go because we think letting go means losing something, and it never feels good to lose. But this question offers us another perspective on letting go: the opportunity to gain something else. So, that’s a great question to ask yourself when you are trying to let go of something.

Aside from letting go, what can one do to create an internal, emotional shift to feel better?

Visualization is a great way to create an internal, emotional shift. Our brains are wired such that whether we are experiencing an event or merely imagining that we are experiencing it, the same areas of our brain are activated, and the same neurochemicals are released in our brain and body. That means we can shift how we are feeling by imagining a situation we’d like to be in. For example, we can imagine ourselves in a peaceful place, like a beach in Hawaii, or we can imagine ourselves fully bloomed, on the other side of our current pain. Our brain will experience this as if it is our current reality.

How can one eventually reframe the consequences and turn it into a positive situation?

We have been told that “time heals all wounds,” but research shows this is not true. What heals all wounds is meaning. When we can make sense of and find meaning in the challenging situations in life, we begin to heal and transform. We’re not trying to convince ourselves that what we went through was a good thing. It’s never a good thing to lose a loved one or job or a dream. Rather, we can find meaning in the experience of having gone through an adversity, such as the person we became as a result and the impact we can now have in the world.

Taking the perspective of a Night Bloomer is one way we can begin to make meaning out of adversity. When we think of ourselves as not merely trying to survive a trauma, but rather as someone who is blooming in the dark, we open up new options and possibilities. We begin to see that not only can we move through this pain and crisis, but we can also be positively transformed by it. Then our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors take us in new directions, and we start to experience these positive changes.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?

I think the world would benefit from a Night Bloomers’ revolution. We’ve been through a very difficult and traumatic year, individually and globally. As devastating as it has been, I believe this year has presented us with an opportunity to transform individually and collectively. Imagine the good that could come if we worked together to bloom in the dark and emerge from these difficult times stronger, kinder, wiser, humbler, and more generous? Imagine the transformation that would occur in the world if we committed to addressing the personal and societal issues that have been amplified during the pandemic? Knowing that blooming in the dark is a possible outcome for us might fuel beautiful changes that we wouldn’t have seen had we not gone through this terribly difficult time. As Ovid the ancient Roman poet said, “Be patient and tough: one day this pain will be useful to you.” I hope we can become a world of Night Bloomers and make this pain useful to us.

We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them. :-)

Oprah! She’s been my hero since I was a little girl and ran home from school every afternoon to watch The Oprah Show. She is such an inspiration for what a woman can be and how one life can help heal the world. Oprah is also a fabulous example of what it means to be a Night Bloomer, and I write a little about her blooming story in my book, Night Bloomers. I’d love the chance to meet her one day and thank her for the positive influence she has had on my life.

How can our readers further follow your work online?

I love to connect with readers! You can connect with me on the following platforms:

Website: www.drmichellepearce.com

Instagram: @bloomwithdrmichelle

The Medium: https://drmichellepearce.medium.com/

LinkedIn: Michelle Pearce, PhD

Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!

Thank you!