Dr Renee Exelbert of The Metamorphosis Center On How To Get Past Your Perfectionism And ‘Just Do It’
Sometimes it can be difficult to find our true sense of identity, as we have little time ourselves to process who we are, and what makes us tick. Therefore, it is critically important to spend time alone to figure out what our individual strengths are, and the things that make us happy.
Many successful people are perfectionists. At the same time, they have the ability to say “Done is Better Than Perfect” and just complete and wrap up a project. What is the best way to overcome the stalling and procrastination that perfectionism causes? How does one overcome the fear of potential critique or the fear of not being successful? In this interview series, called How To Get Past Your Perfectionism And ‘Just Do It’, we are interviewing successful leaders who can share stories and lessons from their experience about “how to overcome the hesitation caused by perfectionism.
As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Renee Exelbert.
Renee A. Exelbert, Ph.D., CFT is both a licensed psychologist and certified elite personal trainer. She is the Founding Director of The Metamorphosis Center for Psychological and Physical Change as well as an Adjunct Professor in the Department of Applied Psychology at the New York University Steinhardt School of Culture, Education and Human Development. She is on the speaker circuit, focusing on empowerment and perfectionism.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
My childhood was filled with a little bit of tumult, and a tremendous amount of closeness, humor, and love. When I was five, I vicariously experienced the trauma of my sister being diagnosed with Juvenile Diabetes, and at seven, my brother experiencing a life-threatening motor-cycle accident. I shared a room with my sister, so I think I was predisposed at an early age to take on the personality characteristics of a caregiver. Looking back on those experiences now, I realize that my parents endured a lot of trauma in a short period. When I think about my capacity for strength and resilience, I realize that they were phenomenal role models.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“Smooth seas don’t make good sailors.” As we sail through this sea called life, we all hope for sunny days with calm waters. Sometimes, we are blessed with good weather, but other times we get caught in the rain, even thunderstorms. Although we often lament that we wish we did not have to experience difficult times, these circumstances test us and force us to both develop and utilize coping resources. Resiliency is not something we are born with — it is a muscle that we can build. The more challenges we overcome in our lives, the greater wherewithal we develop to take on whatever life may throw at us. If we are never tested, we would never have the opportunity to get in touch with the strength that lies deep within us, and show ourselves that we are stronger than we think. As a two-time breast cancer survivor, as well as skin cancer survivor, I have learned to steer my personal ship through very turbulent storms. Although terrifying at the time, I now know I can be my own strong captain.
Is there a particular book, podcast or film that made a significant impact on you? Can you share a story or explain why it resonated with you so much?
I recently watched the Netflix documentary “Social Dilemma,” which provides a synopsis of the many ways in which social media platforms have purportedly become more dangerous and divisive as their usage has increased over time. I found this extremely thought-provoking, riveting and terrifying, all at once. People are the product, and social media platforms have the most intricate database of personal information ever created. Most alarming is the view that users can become more politically aligned via algorithms, that social networking companies have manipulated human psychology to rewire the human brain, and that dire consequences can result for the world, in general. As a psychologist, I was drawn to the premise that human behavior has indeed been altered by social media, through its hold on our attention to the point of addiction and inability to soothe ourselves. At one point, the documentary referred to social media as a “digital pacifier,” in which we can no longer self-soothe when we are lonely or uncomfortable. One need only look at someone on a line in a store or sitting at a dinner table, quickly grabbing their phone. People are no longer able to simple be — they must get away from themselves, the very thing that when paid attention can create more meaning and fulfillment, and divert their attention to the other — often resulting in a sense of competitiveness, lowered self-esteem and feelings of inferiority.
I have previously done significant research on social media and its effects on our brains, self-identity, and mental health functioning. As we scroll through social media, our brain gets hits of dopamine, one of the hormones connected with reward and pleasure. The more we get these hits of dopamine, the more our brain wants and needs these hormones, making way for addictive behaviors. There are many studies that link social media usage to a lowered level of moment-to-moment happiness, as users are left with a feeling of social isolation, even though the platforms feign a sense of connectivity. The documentary cites alarming statistics, including the astronomical increase in depression, anxiety and suicide for adolescents since the inception of social media. As a psychologist in private practice who is exposed to the inner-world of many children, adolescents and adults, I have seen firsthand how a growing child’s sense of self is no longer developed by individual pursuits and what is personally meaningful, but rather socially crafted through the greatest number of likes on social media. And as I sit here today being interviewed on the topic of perfectionism, I would be remiss to not mention how social media plays a pivotal role in fostering lowered self-esteem through the perpetuation of unrealistic ideals of perfection, beauty, achievement and financial success. Although social media can be an incredibly beneficial and powerful tool for human beings, caution needs to be exercised in terms of what age children begin their usage, and the frequency with which we all connect.
You are a successful business leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental in your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Loving — I would say that one core personal characteristic is that I am loving. I truly work with my heart, which I think others can feel. People know that they are not “just a patient” to me — they are someone with whom I share the life journey. I have been blessed in my career as a psychologist to bear testament to the meaningful life transitions and growth of others. For example, I once met a child around the age of seven who was experiencing her parent’s divorce, and I saw her for a year or two. During middle school, she came back for a “booster shot,” when she was dealing with friendship difficulties. I didn’t see her for many years, but she then returned when overwhelmed with college applications. Before I knew it, we were meeting during her vacation from graduate school to discuss relationship issues and existential life events. Fast forward four years later, and I received a text message with a picture of an engagement ring, accompanied by an invitation to her wedding. There is nothing more beautiful than being such a significant part of someone’s journey, which I know is only possible through love.
Determined — I like to set goals and accomplish them. I do not give up. I keep going. In every aspect of my life, if I want something, I use tunnel vision and focus on it. I have found that whether it be through completing my PhD, earning my certification as a personal trainer, becoming a figure competitor, writing a book, or becoming a keynote speaker, small baby steps lead to crossing the finish line. We are limitless.
Resilient — I have had to rebound from numerous life traumas, and rebuild myself both physically and emotionally countless times. As I am both a psychologist and personal trainer, I utilize visual imagery often. When I exercise and do push-ups, I go down to the floor and remember all the ways that life has knocked me down — all the struggles and hardships I have endured. I then push myself back up, and think of all the strength I have garnered from all these adversities. I will always be someone who holds myself up in the world, no matter how many times or ways I am knocked down.
What exactly is a perfectionist? Can you explain?
According to Merriam-Webster, perfection is the condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects. A perfectionist, then, is a person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection. In psychology, perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by an individual’s striving for flawlessness and setting overwhelmingly high performance standards, combined with overly critical self-evaluations and concerns related to how others perceive them.
If you have ever spent hours on end working on a particular project and continued to tweak it again and again until it seemed good enough to present, or been afraid to acknowledge that you didn’t know something, or been afraid to set boundaries for self-care unless you were on your death bed, you may struggle with perfectionism.
The premise of this interview series is making the assumption that being a perfectionist is not a positive thing. But presumably, seeking perfection can’t be entirely bad. What are the positive aspects of being a perfectionist? Can you give a story or example to explain what you mean?
As with most mental health issues, perfectionism can be healthy or unhealthy, depending on the extremity of our thinking, and to what extent it controls our lives. Perfectionism can be adaptive when it is characterized by having high standards for yourself and others, conscientiousness, and being persistent when encountering adversity. Adaptive perfectionists enjoy being challenged, desire growth, and tend to problem-solve well. Their perfectionism is often connected to goal directed behavior.
With healthy perfectionism, individuals set realistic goals and work hard to achieve them. These high achievers feel good about what they have learned and accomplished, and develop confidence even if they fall short of their optimal goals. These individuals have a greater sense of self-esteem, and have the ability to understand their own self-motivations, versus being ruled exclusively by the external evaluation of others. With healthy perfectionism, individuals learn from mistakes and try again, understanding that their growth is a process, failure is ephemeral, and success is not “all or nothing.” High achievers are open to feedback, and do not perceive this feedback to be a commentary on their core value.
What are the negative aspects of being a perfectionist? Can you give a story or example to explain what you mean?
Perfectionists are highly self-critical and demonstrate “all or nothing” thinking (i.e., If I get a 90 or above on my exam, I am smart. If I get below a 90, I am a failure). Since perfectionists are defensive and experience most comments as critical, any mistakes made is seen as total failure and will result in the loss of respect from others. Perfectionists also view the final product as the most important part of any undertaking, and as a result, focus less on the process of learning or the journey of a task. Perfectionists will experience less meaning and fulfillment across the board. The “high” that they may receive from reaching a goal is ephemeral, only lasting a short time before they are vested in proving themselves and their self-worth through the next achievement. They are so caught up in this cycle that they almost never get to truly experience the joy of their accomplishments. Perfectionism is an overcompensating mechanism individuals use to hide the shame they feel about themselves, with fear of failure being at the core of their identity. Additionally, perfectionists see an internal locus of control (I am not able; I am not good enough;) as responsible for their failure. Underneath these feelings, perfectionists believe they will not have the skillset or emotional stamina to recover from their failure.
Another personal impact of focusing on perfect is that perfectionists often feel very lonely in life. Because they are so busy showing others how competent they are, they often do not garner the social support they so desperately need. Underneath the bullet-proof coat of armor that perfectionists wear for others, is the shame and fear that they are really not good enough, hiding a more vulnerable person who is in need of support.
Although we know that comparison is the thief of joy, perfectionists are always comparing themselves to others, and often feel “less than.” Perfectionists don’t believe in unconditional love, as they expect others’ affection and love to be contingent upon their flawless performance and achievements. Additionally, they can sometimes make those with whom they have close relationships feel “less than,” as they can inflict upon them these same unrealistic standards for perfection.
From your experience or perspective, what are some of the common reasons that cause a perfectionist to “get stuck” and not move forward? Can you explain?
The tendency to be preoccupied with perfection actually undermines performance, with perfectionists often stressing more and achieving less than other high achievers. Often so much additional time is spent in the effort to achieve, that the actual goal of the activity is forgotten, or deadlines aren’t met. They avoid taking risks and do not want to leave their comfort zone, ruminating over their negative thoughts and worst-case scenarios. Perfectionism keeps individuals totally self-absorbed and engaged in constant self-evaluation — causing relentless frustration and many forms of adjustment problems such as — depression, anxiety, health problems, eating disorders, substance abuse, relationship issues, and low self-esteem.
Part of the struggle of perfectionism is the lack of understanding about how hard others had to work, and how much they had to struggle before reaching their goals. In a more transparent world, we would see the first attempts and continued, private efforts of those we admire, which would demonstrate that achievements require resolve, hard work and many failures. If we really want to understand the successful writer, we need to go to their desk and look at all the crumpled pages that were written before their first published novel, or all the money the stockbroker lost before they made their fortune. Thus, we need to recognize the very real and unavoidable role of failure. This means allowing ourselves to do things quite imperfectly for a while, as a price we cannot avoid paying for an opportunity one day to do something that other people will regard an instantaneous success — or “perfect.”
The central problem with perfectionism is that it is all about pleasing other people. In order to determine when you’ve reached “perfection” at something, we first need to determine whose definition of perfection we are choosing. When Individuals become consumed with the pursuit of “perfection,” they move away from their own natural inclinations and desires in an attempt to meet the needs of someone else’s ideas of what is “perfect.” For example, if we were to push ourselves to give our boss “perfect work performance,” this would be based on mindreading, or trying to gauge what our boss values and regards as ideal. Unfortunately, even if we are able to work hard to deliver exactly what we think the other person wants from us, we can never know for certain if that is what they really want — it is more about our perception. Yet, the most important variable here is ourselves. While we are utilizing all of our efforts to give someone exactly what we think they want, we are most likely not staying true to ourselves. Therefore, paying attention to our own feelings and values versus someone else’s is critical to not falling into the perfectionism trap. After all, how are you going to ever become the best version of yourself if you are relying on someone else’s opinion of how you should do that?
Here is the central question of our discussion. What are the five things a perfectionist needs to know to get past their perfectionism and “just do it?”
We all want to achieve. We all want to live happy lives. We all want to be seen by others as good people. But none of us are “perfect,” because perfection is not real. We are each a “mixed bag,” with no human being “better” than another. We are a beautiful constellation of flaws and imperfections and strengths. And some of our most difficult moments are the things that define us and give us our true character. Although it can sometimes be difficult to resist the impulse to please others and accept less than flawless performance from ourselves, there are important ways that we can acknowledge all that makes us unique and special.
1) Sometimes it can be difficult to find our true sense of identity, as we have little time ourselves to process who we are, and what makes us tick. Therefore, it is critically important to spend time alone to figure out what our individual strengths are, and the things that make us happy. In private practice, I often speak of building your own “pizza pie.” That is, try to fill the eight slices of your pizza pie with important things about your identity. My pizza is filled with being a mother, wife, writer, psychologist, personal trainer, public-speaker, breast cancer survivor, among other things. In essence, these are all the things that make me who I am. Further broken down, my pizza consists of things like working hard and being determined and focused. Think about the unique things you would put in your own pizza pie. Nobody is like you in the world. Instead of spending so much time comparing yourself to others and criticizing yourself for the ways that you are “imperfect,” learn how to rock each and every unique trait. Become president of your own fan club!
2) Another important way to focus on your own experience and come away from the judgment or expectations of others is to use mindfulness techniques. When you are performing any activity, engage your five senses to try to really feel your internal experience. Notice the sights, sounds, smells, tastes and textures. Notice how you feel inside your body. Are you at peace? Does this experience feel good? By staying in tune with our bodies, we are becoming much more aware of our own internal experience, whereby the experience of others becomes less important. Studies show that the state of being present and focused is what brings us meaning and fulfillment, versus the actual concrete thing or activity. If you are focusing on someone else’s ice cream cone, it makes it much more difficult to taste the richness of your own.
Mindfulness isn’t just touchy-feely stuff that we can do to move away from the expectations of others. When mindfulness is implemented in the corporate world, it has resulted in lower health costs, improved employee productivity, reduced employee stress, greater mental clarity and creativity, and more meaningful relationships at work.
3) Social media can be a huge place where we look for validation. To gauge your experience of how social media impacts you, keep a self-rating scale journal for a few weeks. Check in with yourself both before and after social media usage, with a 0 indicating no stress or feelings of inadequacy, and a 10 indicating extreme feelings of stress and inadequacy. After several weeks, average your scores to determine the effect social media has on your mood, and decide if you want to limit or refrain from its usage.
Social media isn’t limited to our personal lives; while we frequently think of Facebook and Instagram as those tools that judge validation, there are sometimes corporate expectations with the use of Twitter and LinkedIn. While these tools can enhance our individual or company’s “brand,” they can also sometimes feed into our feelings of self-worth and comparison.
4) Even though you may see people on social media who appear to “have more” of something that you want, practice gratitude for all that you have, and for your unique personality gifts. Individuals who wish to increase feelings of gratitude in their daily life can: maintain a weekly gratitude journal; compile a list of benefits in your life; write a thank-you note; pray; reframe a situation by looking at it with a more positive attitude; practice mindfulness; and meditate. By focusing on what you are grateful for, it moves you away from others.
5) Learn to speak kindly to yourself. If you make a mistake, practice some self-compassion. Imagine what you would say to your best friend if they told you they did the same thing. Try to think of any future personal growth that could come from this mistake. For each criticism you say about yourself, counter it with one positive about yourself. This may also mean that you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable! Although this can be hard, experiment with showing others some of your struggles. You will be amazed that other people will regard you as much more authentic and will feel more comfortable around you. They, too, will feel safe enough to share their own vulnerabilities, which will allow you to form deeper social connections and simultaneously understand that nobody is perfect.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?
So much of our time and attention is directed towards pursuits that are more self-serving, and less focused on social altruism and human connectedness. There is a phrase in Hebrew called “Tikkun Olam”, which means “repair of the world.” This implies that the world is innately good, yet there is still room left for us to improve upon this goodness. I would love to implement seven new days of observance to our national holiday schedule. The first being a day of no electronic devices. Children, adolescents and adults would disconnect from all social media, televisions, screens, videogames, etc. for a 24-hour period. The second being a day of volunteering. Every single human being is capable of being of service to someone else. Even if you have very little, you have the capacity to be a friend, a good listener, read a story, share a walk. The third would be a day to spend with an elderly person. We have so much to learn from the sage advice of individuals who have been here much longer than us, and who have a lifetime of lessons to impart. Many of us do not even know our family’s own history, and could benefit from knowing those who came before us. The fourth would be a day of uninterrupted family time, which would be accompanied by the mandate of no electronic devices. This would simply be a day to play board games, tell stories, take walks, cook together, share family time. The fifth would be a day to reconnect with nature, to experience the splendor and beauty of what is around us that we so often overlook. The sixth would be a day to clean up our environment — literally picking up garbage, cleaning graffiti off of walls. The seventh would be to spend a day with someone from another culture, race, ethnicity, religion. We have a great deal to learn from one another, and the breaking down of stereotypes and biases is pertinent for not only developing tolerance for differences, but for the future of humanity as well. These activities are critical for our continued connection as human beings and as inhabitants of this planet.
Is there a person in the world whom you would love to have lunch with, and why? Maybe we can tag them and see what happens!
I am deeply inspired by people who have experienced adversity, and who have overcome obstacles with a fighting spirit, resilience and grace. Interestingly enough, as I write about perfection, my heroes are all imperfect. And what makes them so extraordinary, is how they have embraced, not hid, their imperfections and used them to help and motivate others. Bethany Hamilton, the Hawaiian surfer who lost her arm in a shark attack at just 13 years old, and who went on to become a national surfing champion just two years later, is a phenom to me. John Walsh Jr, the criminal investigator, victim rights advocate and the host/creator of Americas Most Wanted, which he founded after the murder of his son, is also remarkable. I remember learning about him when I was a little girl and was awestruck by his perseverance in the face of such a devastating loss. Oprah Winfrey was repeatedly molested as a child, ran away from home, and gave birth at the age of 14 to a baby boy who died shortly thereafter. She later excelled as an honors student in high school, and won an oratory contest which secured her a full scholarship to college. She is the definition of resilience, and has positively impacted millions of lives. Kriss Carr, who was diagnosed with a rare and incurable Stage IV cancer at age 32, turned her experience into a series of successful self-help books and documentaries. Not only has she helped me personally, but serves as a role model to so many individuals living with cancer. These are a few of the people who inspire me, as along my personal journey as a two-time breast cancer survivor, I have always tried hard to make lemonade from lemons. Going through so many physical and emotional changes forced me to confront my own ideas of perfectionism, and enabled me to eventually experience my scars as signs of strength, rather than imperfections. I would be honored to sit down to lunch with any one of these individuals — and beware, I make a mean peanut butter and fluff sandwich.
How can readers further follow your work online?
I can be followed on my website: Drexelbert.com; Instagram: dr.renee.exelbert; LinkedIn: @Renee Exelbert; Twitter: @ReneeExelbert
Thank you for your time, and your excellent insights! We wish you continued success.
