Dr Stephen Rowley On Raising Children Who Are Mentally & Emotionally Healthy

An Interview With Maria Angelova

Don’t over-value school performance. School performance should not be confused with the value of the child or with your love for them. My wife and I were both educators, but we tried to set reasonable academic expectation for our son and not drive him to excel past his interest or ability for the sake of good grades or his college applications. For the sake of mental health, ease up on AP and IB classes.

Our children are facing challenges that didn’t exist just a short while ago. They are growing up with social media and the hurried pace of life today, as well as the often frightening news in the world. In short, our children are facing unprecedented mental health challenges. Anxiety, depression, and even suicide are on the rise. As parents and educators, what can we do to raise children who are mentally healthy? In this interview series, we are talking to authors, parenting experts and mental health professionals who can share their expertise and advice on “Raising Children Who Are Mentally Healthy.” As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Stephen Rowley.

Stephen Rowley, PhD, is a psychotherapist practicing on Bainbridge Island, Washington. He previously enjoyed a 40-year career as an elementary school teacher and principal, and a school district superintendent in Washington State and California. He holds a PhD in Administration and Policy Analysis from Stanford University’s Graduate School of Education and an MA in Counseling Psychology from Pacifica Graduate Institute.

Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive in, our readers would love to hear a little about you. Inspire us with your backstory!

I grew up in Iowa, and was the All-American boy: good in sports, academics, and popular among my peers. My parents were very supportive of my education. My dad was a local surgeon and we enjoyed a comfortable lifestyle. They told me from the beginning that I was adopted, but at age 13 my mother was upset by my curiosity to know about my adoption. That rupture triggered my lifelong search for my birth parents.

Despite my successful 40-year career as a teacher and school district superintendent, I felt a yearning — a sense of disconnection. At age 40, I finally tracked down my birth mother living in state-sponsored housing for women trying to overcome drug and alcohol addiction. It was a life-changing reunion for us both.

Later, I “paid-it-forward” when my wife and I adopted our son at age four. That made a world of difference for all three of us. Even though I had a PhD from Stanford, I went back to school at age 65 to become a licensed psychotherapist. To my total surprise, the identity of my birth father came to me via 23andMe in March 2022. I’ve now written about my journey of finding my birth parents and to answer the key question: Who am I?

What are some lessons you would share with your younger self if you had the opportunity?

First, be aware there are invisible forces of fate, like the spirit of a guardian angel, that are quietly guiding you even though that path will take you to dark and challenging places. These major obstacles will be your best teachers. Be patient for how life unfolds itself for you. And be grateful for this awareness.

Second, you will be blessed with privilege throughout your life. Don’t abuse this good fortune and use it to cultivate compassion and empathy for others less fortunate. This is how you will be judged.

None of us are able to experience success without support along the way. Is there a particular person for whom you are grateful because of the support he/ she gave you to get where you are today? Can you share that story and why you are grateful for that person?

One teacher truly stands out. I took 7th grade English from Mr. Bob Galloway — “Mr. G” — and life was never the same. I loved his passion for literature and writing, but also his kindness and humor for those kids who would never go to college. In my junior year of high school, Mr. G privately tutored me at his home, introducing me to the canon of American literature, plus modern American poets, French existentialists, and so forth. It was a dream come true.

We lost each other for a while when I was out of college, but we reunited and remained fast friends. He had the greatest sense of humor and loved a nip or two of bourbon. I saw him a few weeks before he died in December 2022, and we each had the chance to say to each all that needed to be said — what we loved and respected in each other. I’m eternally grateful for Bob, and surely without him I wouldn’t be a writer today.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think it might help people?

My memoir, The Lost Coin: A Memoir of Adoption and Destiny, was just published and I’m now making personal appearances, speeches, book readings, and podcasts — all of which are designed to reach members of the adoption community, fellow therapists, and many others who will enjoy the tales of growing up in the 1950s and ’60s. The book portrays my lifelong search for my birth parents and my quest to find my identity. By opening up my life, I allow others to find parts of themselves — especially those who were adopted. I think my book will offer lessons and assurances that we’re much alive on the inside, having suffered the trauma of separation from our mothers at birth. Healing, by any definition, begins with this kind of awareness.

Ok, thank you. Let’s talk about raising emotionally and mentally healthy children. In the Western world, humans typically have their physical needs met. But what has led to the tremendous downgrade in emotional and mental health that we’re seeing today, especially for children? What is lacking in the mental health arena? Why are so many of our children struggling today?

Children are suffering because of the unspoken anxiety of their parents. Two events collided in the worlds of today’s school-age kids and their parents. First, 9/11. The collective trauma of this act of terrorism shattered the illusions of safety and superiority of a generation. We became a nation on perpetual high alert (due in part from mass media), and parents, fearing the unknown, clamped down on their kids — helicoptering their every activity, planning their lives with no room for error or lack of safety. Today’s younger generation bought in, and are now fearful of free speech, threatened by different political philosophies, and in mortal terror of being excluded from social media cliques. This generation has bowed under the weight of their parents and technology, and suffer with chronic anxiety and depression — much of which is unconscious, yet quite evident.

Second, the advent of the iPhone. Despite its many blessings, many kids today (and their parents) live in a quasi-dissociated state. While appearing to be inter-connected on a global scale, the iPhone keeps us in a kind of trance, making human interaction secondary to the dopamine hit of the next Tweet. Social media is powerful in altering the flow of dopamine, keeping the brain hungry for the next hit. One’s addiction to it is identical to addictions to gambling, pornography, and drugs.

The corporatocracy of global technology sold their tech gadgets on the promise of “high-tech, high touch,” which turned out to be shameless sloganeering to sell products, amass fortunes, and exponentially exacerbate income inequality. High tech adverting for the iPhone is the subtle but powerful tool for keeping our kids in this state of dissociation, sadly disconnected from one another. What we lack, as adults and teens, is authentic connection and empathy. We fail to tap the capacity to reach out to others not like ourselves and discover our common humanity.

Although mental health services can help many kids with serious problems, what is needed is a sea-change — a revolt against mindless technology, and a collective embrace of ourselves as a diverse, human community, without the computer or phone as the go-between.

Obviously, this is a huge issue, and it seems to be growing. What are some small, practical tips, or tweaks, that parents and educators can easily implement to help their children who are struggling?

The answers are embarrassingly simple but seemingly difficult to do for many:

1. Eat one meal together as a family, five days a week, and talk. No phones.
2. Insist on physical activity almost daily. Engage in sports, walk, dance, swim, hike, and so forth. Join with your kids for the sheer joy of being outside and with each other.
3. For kids under 12, read aloud to your kids.
4. Plan joint activities: movies, sporting events, shopping, road trips, vacations… In doing so, break up isolation.
5. Engage your child with talk. Don’t push an agenda or intrude into their private space. Make it safe to talk about anything. Don’t judge, just listen.

In your professional opinion, what are certain triggers or signs that the state of a child’s mental and emotional health is not at its best? What is the best way to be proactive and address these signs from the get-go?

Not all “triggers” can be known consciously, as many are activated unconsciously. I will over-generalize, but there are two broad categories of behavior and moods that should grab your attention, and they are opposites of each other:

1. Whether chronic or intermittent, if they are quick to anger and have a propensity for arguments, fighting, defiance, bullying and lashing out at others.
2. Noticeable sullenness, withdrawal from others, a tendency to stay isolated (such as in their bedroom), depression, overly passive and uninterested in social activities or school.

Most teens, in particular, will exhibit some of these traits as a function of adolescence. Parents and teachers need to find the patience to ride this out, as most teens will mature and move on.

But in more serious circumstances, these two sets of troubling behaviors indicate trauma of one kind or another. Kids may be trying to hide the traumatic event that caused it, but often the trauma is hidden unconsciously. In this way, these warning sign behaviors are actually self-defense mechanisms — they keep others away from the initial psychic wound. In such cases, psychotherapeutic intervention is warranted.

Most importantly, whether the warning signs are serious or less onerous, a teacher or parent should quietly share their observations and feelings with the child or teen, express empathy, offer help, and just listen. Doing this only once isn’t enough; doing this daily will back fire. Use your judgment to assure that the child or teen feels connection and support, even if they don’t acknowledge it.

Do you think we can do a better job of educating our children about their emotional and mental health? What would that look like?

First, I don’t think you can “teach” kids about their own mental and emotional health. That approach is too cognitive and doomed to turn kids off. We can, however, model good mental health by first learning to listen without judgement. It’s important to create a trusting space with kids, where even the worst thoughts and feelings can be held with an adult.

Second, modeling love and physical affection at home is critical — with your kids and in front of your kids. Make saying “I love you,” giving hugs, and offering physical, affectionate touch the norm on a daily basis.

Third, cultivate personal agency in kids by giving them voice — in writing, in speaking, through art, and other outlets. Reward personal expression!

Okay, fantastic. Here is the main question of our interview: Can you share with our readers your “5 things parents can do to raise children who are emotionally and mentally healthy”?

1. Don’t over-value school performance. School performance should not be confused with the value of the child or with your love for them. My wife and I were both educators, but we tried to set reasonable academic expectation for our son and not drive him to excel past his interest or ability for the sake of good grades or his college applications. For the sake of mental health, ease up on AP and IB classes.
2. Play and un-scheduled time. It’s so important not to over-schedule and over-control your child’s time outside of school. Physical or creative play (not online) is critical for cognitive and social development. I was reminded recently that Kindergarten readiness skills in 1957 included a child’s ability to walk home alone at least four blocks away from home. Unimaginable today! Kids like me from the 50s and 60s tell tales of being out late with neighbor kids with no one’s parents freaking out. Parents: loosen up!
3. Let your kid learn to fail. We’ve suffered several decades of kids getting meaningless awards for participating in sports and other activities, essentially for doing nothing. And God forbid we let our kids feel the sting of defeat at the hands of an opponent! Once a competitive athlete, I learned the value of being both a gracious winner and loser. It was painful to watch a few gloat over victories or sulk over losses.
4. Forgive in the name of love. Fighting happens in families. Parents fight with each other, kids fight their parents, and sibling fight with each other. Some minor fights are just a way of blowing off steam. But serious fights need repair and reconciliation. Parents need to model this for their kids. But they shouldn’t model forgiveness as a transactional form of negotiated settlement (“Ok, I’ll take out the garbage from now on, but you have to keep the garage clean”). The predicate for forgiveness is accepting responsibility for the emotional damage caused, and for an affirmation of the love and affection that needs to be shared in tight moments. When parents can model this for their kids, it’s an enormous boost for their mental health and interpersonal skill set.
5. Unconditional love. Kids need to know that their parents’ love is unconditional. Parents may say this is always the case, but often undercut it with the unspoken message that better grades, better manners, better sports performance, or whatever will raise the level of love parents have for their kids. Unconditional love can be expressed verbally, but it can be shown through physical affection, eye contact, listening, and by simply witnessing the up and downs of a child’s life without a running commentary or string of expressed judgements.

For my wife and me, during difficulties with our son was going through the ages of 15 and 16, we came to understand that nothing we did seemed to be of help to him. Our only fallback was to surrender to the power of unconditional love. Things eventually worked out for him, and it enhanced our capacity as parents to this day. Thank goodness for those moments of helpless desperation!

Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources you recommend to our audience reading this interview?

Thomas Moore’s Care of the Soul (2016, 25th Anniversary Edition).

Robert Krauss’s Leo the Late Bloomer (1999).

You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

I would sound like a certifiable Luddite, which I’m not, to call for the near abolition of technology in the hands of children. But I am, at heart, a certifiable progressive educator, and therefore I’d love to help re-ignite a movement to change the nature of schools and schooling. That includes eliminating the standards movement and incessant, meaningless assessment of student performance. I’d change the structure of schooling by eliminating graded classrooms and state-controlled curriculum. I’d greatly emphasize hands-on learning and encourage much more experience in and with the community. I’d help lean schools toward self-paced student learning and de-emphasize rigid and confining graduation requirements. My movement is one of vision, and like the cattle drives of the Old West, I hope to get the herd going generally west.

What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?

My website lists all my appearances, podcasts, and recent articles: https://stephenrowley108.com/memoir/

I am also on:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/srowley108

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/stephen-rowley-ma-lmhc-phd-b83ab811/

Instagram: stephenrowley108

Twitter: @srowley108

This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.

Thank you!

About The Interviewer: Maria Angelova, MBA is a disruptor, author, motivational speaker, body-mind expert, Pilates teacher, and founder and CEO of Rebellious Intl. As a disruptor, Maria is on a mission to change the face of the wellness industry by shifting the self-care mindset for consumers and providers alike. As a mind-body coach, Maria’s superpower is alignment which helps clients create a strong body and a calm mind so they can live a life of freedom, happiness, and fulfillment. Prior to founding Rebellious Intl, Maria was a Finance Director and a professional with 17+ years of progressive corporate experience in the Telecommunications, Finance, and Insurance industries. Born in Bulgaria, Maria moved to the United States in 1992. She graduated summa cum laude from both Georgia State University (MBA, Finance) and the University of Georgia (BBA, Finance). Maria’s favorite job is being a mom. Maria enjoys learning, coaching, creating authentic connections, working out, Latin dancing, traveling, and spending time with her tribe. To contact Maria, email her at angelova@rebellious-intl.com. To schedule a free consultation, click here.