Embracing Grace: Dr Gail Saltz On How Women Are Redefining Aging Authentically
An Interview With Shawna Robins
…I chatted with Dr. Ruth on several occasions when she was in her eighties and nineties. She was always thinking of new ways to contribute in her area of expertise, sexuality, and how to utilize the knowledge and wisdom she had accumulated into a new book, a new radio show, social media and then DOING them. She listened to feedback and responded with empathy. She stayed true to her mind, her age and her capacity to innovate until the end of her very long life. She maintained perspective about aging and later life and felt gratitude for every day, and felt no pressure to dress younger, look younger, act younger. She embraced the wisdom of her years…
Aging is often accompanied by societal pressures and stereotypes, but many women are redefining what it means to grow older with authenticity and grace. How can women embrace aging and celebrate this phase of life with confidence? As part of this interview series, we had the pleasure to interview Dr. Gail Saltz.
Dr. Gail Saltz is best known for her work as a relationship, family, emotional wellbeing, and mental health contributor in the media where she is a go-to expert for commentary on the mental health aspects of current/breaking issues and news. She is a bestselling author of numerous books, including “The Power of Different: The Link Between Disorder and Genius,” serves as a Medial Expert for the Physicians for Human Rights, and is host of the podcast “How Can I Help?” Dr. Saltz is an Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the Weill Cornell Medical College and the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst with the New York Psychoanalytic Institute, and has a private practice in Manhattan.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a bit about your background and your backstory?
I am a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the Weill Cornell Medical College and the New York Presbyterian Hospital. I am also a psychoanalyst at The New York Psychoanalytic Institute. I have practiced psychiatry and psychotherapy for over 30 years and spent the last 30 years doing mental health public education through television, radio, podcasts, books and talks. I have a special interest and practice in women’s emotional wellbeing. I love what I do. I have been happily married for 35 years and we have three amazing daughters, a rescue dog, also female, who we adore. Outside of work, I enjoy my family, women close friends, and I’m into being a foodie, skiing, waterskiing, travel, and reading.
Can you share a story with us about what brought you to your particular career path?
I was doing a residency in internal medicine, and once a week a brilliant psychoanalyst came on rounds with us to show us how important it was to understand the patient’s psychological state and to know their “life narrative”, how valuable that was for their overall care. It was the highlight of my week, and I became fascinated by the mysteries of the mind and made a pivot to do a residency in psychiatry. After residency I became aware in my private practice that the number one reason people who needed treatment didn’t seek care was stigma. I decided that publicly speaking about mental health, in 1993 when no one really was, could impact viewers and let them feel more comfortable that they were not alone and that there was nothing embarrassing about a mental health issue or getting treatment.
Can you share with our readers a bit about why you are an expert on aging authentically?
One of the biggest developmental crises for women particularly, is aging. This fear of being irrelevant, dismissed, not desired, not useful and that leading to loneliness and sadness drives women to feel they must avoid aging at all costs…by looking younger, by acting younger, by hiding their age, and by not embracing their authentic selves. This is often enough what may bring a woman to my office feeling sad, depressed, anxious, lonely, feeling trapped. We work on where this fear comes from, why she has believed this messaging, how we can change her story and mindset to embrace the abilities, talents, feelings, life she has now and will going forward. As a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst helping women understand that an internal unconscious perception that being aged as a woman is some sort of dismissal from life, rather than a rich, fulfilling next opportunity to do and be yourself, is my job.
How do you define authentic aging, and what does it mean to you personally?
I would define aging authentically to be able to accept your aging as real with all that encompasses and yet also feel that your life continues to have emotional meaning and purpose. Aging authentically may have some fear involved, for example, fear of mortality, but that you can manage this fear and it is offset by embracing the things that give your life meaning currently. I personally think often of the relationships and work and play that give my life purpose, that I feel grateful for, and I accept that certain elements of my life are no longer up for grabs, that I have in certain areas had my turn, and that I can channel my energies into aiding the next generation make the most of their turn. I find a lot of meaning in that.
Can you share a story about a significant turning point in your own journey towards embracing aging with grace?
I am going to be a grandmother for the first time! I am extremely excited, and at the same time very aware that I will not be the mother, I had my turn at being the mother and making all the decisions and choices that mothering include, and now it’s my daughter’s turn to experience and do all that. I will be taking a back seat as a helper, nurturing still as a grandmother, but a very different role. I LOVE being a mother, so this requires some acceptance of my age, my stage of life, but I do accept this and I am ready to watch my own daughter do all those things I have loved, and love my new grandchild as a grandparent. The grace part is my understanding that my daughter gets to make the decisions, even if they wouldn’t be my decisions, and I will support her.
What are some common misconceptions about aging that you believe need to be challenged?
The misconceptions apply more to aging women than men. Aging women are often perceived to be less able to lead, less influential, less impactful, less purposeful, less sexy or attractive, their thoughts are less substantive. I would argue these are all incorrect and they are based in ageism and sexism. Just like men, women accrue wisdom with life experience, have grown a stronger muscle through experience in their ability to lead, to have and nurture purpose, have increased capacity and often more time to get things done and can be quite sexy and attractive (see Martha Stewart, Gayle King, etc).
How do you balance self-care and societal expectations as you age?
Mostly its negative society expectations of aging women that hurts women’s ability to engage in their lives and other lives in meaningful way, and this hurts women psychologically. Part of selfcare is finding a role you want to take on, and doing it, finding relationships you want to invest in and just doing it. Selfcare means arguing back against absurd youth obsessed standards of beauty, and being beautiful for your age, being natural, comfortable in your skin, being sexual and enjoying it. Selfcare is important at every age, including older ages, but what works for you may change as you age. Figure out and be flexible about what helps you decrease stress, what is enjoyable, what is relaxing.
Ok. Here is the main question of our discussion. Can you please share “5 Ways Women Are Redefining Aging Authentically”? If you can, kindly share a story or example for each.
1. Dr. Ruth Westheimer- I chatted with Dr. Ruth on several occasions when she was in her eighties and nineties. She was always thinking of new ways to contribute in her area of expertise, sexuality, and how to utilize the knowledge and wisdom she had accumulated into a new book, a new radio show, social media and then DOING them. She listened to feedback and responded with empathy. She stayed true to her mind, her age and her capacity to innovate until the end of her very long life. She maintained perspective about aging and later life and felt gratitude for every day, and felt no pressure to dress younger, look younger, act younger. She embraced the wisdom of her years.
2. Paulina Porizkova- The former supermodel has been open and honest about the struggles to feel beautiful and confident approaching 60 in a youth obsessed culture where her career was being seen as a model. She has embraced the wrinkles, greying hair, cellulite that come with age and discussed that accepting herself as she is at her age has increased her confidence, comfort, and overall happiness. She wrote a book on the topic and changed her social media follows to women of her age, and she found new love. What’s really authentic is her expression of her intermittent struggles dealing with insecurity, feeling dismissed, others saying women over 50 aren’t sexy and how to tune out the opinions of others to find her own authentic ways of feeling beautiful, sexy and wise.
3. Martha Stewart- She hasn’t slowed down in her career and continues to come up with new and interesting projects. She feels authentically her age which gives her perspective and ideas steeped in life experience. Moreover, she feels attractive and sexy and not pressured to have a facelift in order to be her beautiful self, so much so she graced the cover of Sports Illustrated in a swimsuit, showing everyone how gorgeous a woman of any age can be. Before this she felt confident taking come hither selfies in her pool to let anyone know she feels she has “got it going on”. Her work and participation in life drives her, keeps her confident, happy and fulfilled while being her authentic self.
4. Vanessa Williams- She has been upfront and open about avoiding Botox and fillers despite her career in film. She continues to get and do amazing roles, demonstrating that age is not a barrier to acting and working, beauty and enjoying life…just as you are. She, in fact, relishes her wrinkles and sags as she feels they are an outward reflection of the many years she’s lived and the many experiences she’s had which make her wise and fulfilled. She plans to continue working, and on screen showing her real face, her real body as she feels happy and attractive and authentic in them. She tries to stay healthy, but healthy is quite different from fearing aging and looking older.
5. Nancy Pelosi — She is a woman of such substance who has dedicated her life and career to making life better for current and future generations, has continued working despite criticisms of her age and frankly being a woman, which generated attempts to make her feel torn down. But she knew her power (as her book says), knew her wisdom, knew her ability to care and turn that care into action well past midlife. She remained true to herself, her morals and values and age did not change that. She cared to make the world a better place, and that has been her guiding and authentic principle, unchanged by aging. In fact, her many years of public service gave her extra confidence and authenticity in pursuing her goals as an older public servant.
What advice would you give to women who are struggling to embrace the aging process authentically?
Think about ways in which you can invest time and energy into something, anything that benefits the next generation in some way. This might be about your grandchildren or about environmentalism. It may be about volunteering in your community in helping any underprivileged group or teaching something. It may be about beautifying something in your community, or about going back to school to learn something new to then benefit others. It could be playing music for others, making quilts. The point is simply investing in a purposeful way to benefit the future. It is a way to stay engaged, have meaning, feel real about yourself and in a way create a legacy.
Wonderful. We are nearly done. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. :-)
Julia Louise Dreyfus. She speaks personally to this topic of women aging in such a real and authentic and personal way. I admire her talent and comedy craft very much and I admire the way she has used it to speak about real human problems with humor. I would love to speak with her!
How can our readers further follow your work online?
This was very meaningful, thank you so much. We wish you only continued success on your great work!
About the Interviewer: Shawna Robins is an international best-selling author of two books — Powerful Sleep — Rest Deeply, Repair Your Brain and Restore Your Life, and Irresistibly Healthy — Simple Strategies to Feel Vibrant, Alive, Healthy and Full of Energy Again. Shawna is the founder and CEO of Third Spark, an online wellness hub for women over 40 who want to reignite their sleep, reset healthier habits and respark their lives. Shawna is a sleep expert, hormone health expert, and a National Board-Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBHWC). She has been featured on many podcasts including Dr. Mindy Pelz’s “The Resetter Podcast” and in Authority Magazine, Thrive Global, and The Huffington Post. A free download of her latest book can be found at www.thirdsparkhealth.com/powerful-sleep/ You can follow her on YouTube, Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn.
