Falling In Love Again With Your Spouse: Barbie Adler of Selective Search On 5 Things You Need To Rekindle Love In A Marriage That Has Gone Cold

…Be the best version of yourself and support your partner in doing the same. Make sure you are doing your part in maintaining a lifestyle that allows you to reach your full potential. Mental and physical self-care routines are critically important. You can’t be a good “other half” if you aren’t prioritizing your own needs. At the same time, ensure that your partner is doing the same by encouraging them and their goals. Be each other’s cheerleader, coach, and biggest fan. Make your home the safe place you both crave after a hard day.

When people first get married, they are usually deeply in love and extremely excited to be together. But sometimes, over time, that passion and excitement begins to fade. This has been particularly true after the pandemic, when many marriages went through great upheavals. What can a couple do to rekindle the love and excitement that they used to have when they were first together?

In this interview series, called “Falling In Love Again With Your Spouse; 5 Things You Need To Rekindle Love In A Marriage That Has Gone Cold,” we are talking to relationship professionals, therapists, psychologists, and coaches to share stories and insights from their experience.

As a part of this series I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Barbie Adler.

Barbie Adler, President and Founder of Selective Search, is a national expert on dating and relationships. Barbie believes that to love and to be loved is the most important and powerful of all human emotions, which is why she founded Selective Search, North America’s leading luxury matchmaking firm. Selective Search has the highest success rates in the industry, a product of the company’s process which combines sophisticated algorithms and executive recruiting methodologies with traditional matchmaking intuition.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?

My mother was a psychologist, so I grew up attending seminars, reading Psychology Today, and listening to her lead marriage counseling groups. There were posters all over our house when I was growing up about marriage and relationships and I found them very intriguing. I always had a passion for interpersonal relationships because of my early exposure to it. I went from working in Public Relations to Executive Search to Personal Search. It was always important to me to have deep interpersonal relationships in both my professional and personal life. Matchmaking and helping people find love is truly a passion of mine, so that is why I started Selective Search.

Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started this career?

I started a company to help others and it came full circle when I found the love of my life through Selective Search. I am now happily married and have also entered the modern scenario of a blended family. I am a bonus mom, and it is an exceptional position to be in. I love my husband and step kids so much, and I really have Selective Search to thank for that. Because Selective Search is so private and confidentiality is of the upmost importance, I really can’t share specifics about client stories, but we talk to exceptional people on a daily basis. It is fascinating to listen to their successes and failures and learn about the mistakes they’ve made and how they’ve grown. I get a behind the scenes perspective of brilliant minds, and fascinating people every day as I help them create their stories.

Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?

When the company was smaller, I surprised my employees and took the company to Broadway in New York as a day trip. We are based in Chicago, so I imagined it as this fun getaway where we would go and come back all in a days’ time. There ended up being a horrible snowstorm and we were all stranded there with no luggage! We had to stay overnight which lost productivity and ended up costing the company. However, I do think it was a unique and priceless bonding experience that we still laugh about so many years later.

You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?

Passion: For what I do and for the mission. I really believe you HAVE to love what you do or else your lack of passion will translate into your work.

Determination & Perseverance: You have to make sure it’s personal. Failure is not an option, and you have to make it happen no matter what. I started Selective Search completely by myself with not much support from my family, I was determined especially after leaving a successful career to take this leap of faith.

Empathy and the Ability to See Beyond the Obvious: I read beyond the resume, the small talk, and the interviews; I have an innate ability to see who a person really is, beyond what they choose share. This skill is why I am able to be successful in building a strong diverse team, and also finding the best matches for my clients. Empathy is not often something you think of when discussing business and success, but it is hugely important. Knowing and understanding the feelings of others is a crucial quality to have, especially when working with people in the way that I do.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?

Yes, we have expanded our services by offering more in-depth consultations. Building out a relationship history and identifying patterns, good or bad, is important for setting our clients up for success. These services are so valuable with increasing demand for relationship coaching, especially for people who have been through tough breakups or are having difficulties navigating the dating scene.

For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority about the topic of marriage?

I have been in the matchmaking business for over 20 years and in that time, our work has resulted in over 4,000 happy couples and over 1,500 marriages. Coaching couples as they move from first dates to committed relationships and celebrating as they marry and start families is the most rewarding part of my job. We are right there with our clients through the happiest times in their lives as well as helping them navigate the challenges that come with nurturing and growing a long-term relationship.

Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How to Rekindle Love In A Marriage That Has Gone Cold’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of marriages “going cold”?

Lack of communication and feeling unheard or misunderstood.

Broken trust: once it is broken it’s difficult to get it back.

Prioritizing work, children, or other interests before your marriage.

In my experience with helping others in relationship difficulty, I most often hear “lack of communication” as the reason for the difficulty or wanting to end the relationship. Lack of communication is really a symptom of the real root cause, which is always “loss of connection.” What must be done to regain that connection?

Lack of communication is common when relationships go on autopilot. What might have started from a healthy sense of trust and comfort with one another can lead to misunderstandings and partners feeling unheard in a relationship. Even if you are feeling comfortable in your routines, make time to check in with your partner. Evening walks, screen-free dinners, texts and calls when you are apart can all go a long way toward keeping the lines of communication open and strengthen your connection.

Based on your experience, what is the foundation for a successful marriage?

A good sense of humor. There is so much humor in my marriage, we cry laughing and have so much fun most days. Silly, funny rituals are a huge part of our day. My husband likes to play DJ and will play all my favorite songs, so we dance and have fun while we are cooking or doing things around the house. We have a fun dynamic and play off each other’s energy.

Keeping intimacy fresh. That’s pretty self-explanatory, but also a very important factor within a marriage that people often put on the backburner. And intimacy doesn’t always have to mean sex. It can be holding hands on a walk or some flirty teasing throughout the day. Something that shows you are still interested in each other.

Be reliable and have a friendship. Clear communication and playfulness are so important which are key in a successful friendship. Be there for each other and make sure to have fun, just as you would with your best friend.

Have patience and pick your battles. Sometimes, after you have addressed an issue, you have to let it go. Diffuse a negative situation rather than add to it and try to avoid an argument when there really doesn’t need to be one.

It has been said that “a healthy, happy marriage is the union of two generous forgivers”. Can you talk about why forgiveness is so important for a relationship to thrive?

A healthy relationship starts with a healthy you. Holding on to resentment and anger can be emotionally and physically taxing on your body. Being a generous forgiver does not mean ignoring your feelings. Recognizing the validity of your feelings and discussing them with your partner allows you to be your truest and best self in a partnership. But once you feel heard, it’s time to forgive and move forward.

Based on your experience, why do you think couples struggle to forgive and be forgiven?

Forgiveness is hard in general, but when it’s with your partner it can make the conflict seem like an even bigger transgression. And it’s hard to imagine that the person you love the most has wronged you, or you’ve wronged them. Love is a sacred thing, and the feelings of anger, fear and sadness are powerful. This is why strong communication and healthy conflict resolution is so important.

Is it important for marriage partners to inspire each other to be the best version of themselves that they can be? Can you please explain what you mean?

It is very important to make sure your spouse is happy and healthy, but there is a balance. You don’t want to change someone, and you want to accept them as they are, but it is very important to help and encourage each other along the way, especially if it aids in their longevity and health. I personally make sure my husband eats well and takes vitamins every day. These small gestures let him know that I want him to live his healthiest and best life because I care about him. It is crucial to make sure you know what your spouse’s goals are so you can support and not unwittingly undermine them. Helping someone achieve their goals is a demonstration of your love for them.

What is the difference between marriage partners being “a team” and not just “a couple” ?

As a “team”, you take on each other’s’ challenges, celebrations, and special moments together. A couple simply describes what you both are, not what you do as partners. As one united team, you face conflict together focused on the shared goal of a healthy partnership where you can thrive as individuals and together.

Ok, here is the main question of our discussion. Can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Rekindle Love In A Marriage That Has Gone Cold?” Can you please give a story or example for each?

Be the co-CEOs of your family unit. First — you have to decide that you want this to work. Like a business, you need to want it to be successful and really put in the work to communicate and make sure things are running smoothly. You and your partner have to think of yourselves as the leaders and accept the responsibility of keeping your business growing and thriving. Focus on the positive outcomes and the successes that come from your family unit and build upon those.

Be the best version of yourself and support your partner in doing the same. Make sure you are doing your part in maintaining a lifestyle that allows you to reach your full potential. Mental and physical self-care routines are critically important. You can’t be a good “other half” if you aren’t prioritizing your own needs. At the same time, ensure that your partner is doing the same by encouraging them and their goals. Be each other’s cheerleader, coach, and biggest fan. Make your home the safe place you both crave after a hard day.

Lead with praise. People often forget to remind their partner just how good of a job they are doing. It is human nature to criticize and point out mistakes, but it takes that extra effort to point out the wins and the “job well done’s,” even over small things that normally wouldn’t draw attention. Encourage the things they may have done right in difficult situations and support their feelings so they know they can turn to you when they need someone to lean on.

Don’t have the same argument over and over. Figure out the repeat issues, work through them and move forward. This requires really hearing your spouse and then moving into problem-solving mode together. Sweeping things under the rug or having unfinished business when something is causing friction is grounds for serious resentment and an inevitable battle. Make sure your partner knows you are on their team no matter what. If an argument needs to be had, never hit below the belt, or use your partner’s insecurities to win a fight. Diffuse the situation rather than feeding into it.

Have regular distraction-free time together. Even if you have to schedule it, it is important to have dedicated time together to keep things fresh and the spark alive. Go out to dinner, go see a show, get dressed up and grab fancy drinks. Recognize the value of spending time with each other in little ways, too — a walk, a cuddle or dinner at home. Activities like these are the foundation for not only a sustainable marriage, but a healthy, evolving and thriving one at that.

Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?

Podcasts

Unlocking Us with Brené Brown: A podcast about conversations that unlock the deeply human part of who we are, so that we can live, love, parent, and lead with more courage and heart.

Books:

Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages — A great insightful book that is an easy read for how you perceive and deliver love. It teaches people to really understand, accept and honor each other.

Atomic Habits: This book is the definitive guide to breaking bad behaviors and adopting good ones in four steps, showing you how small, incremental, everyday routines compound into massive, positive change over time.

Because of the position that you are in, you are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

Mission to put more love in the world: Everyone deserves to love and to feel loved by someone. Loneliness negatively affects your physical and mental health. At Selective Search, we are on a mission to help people find authentic and honest love so they can live happier healthier lives.

We are very blessed that very prominent leaders read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them :-)

Mark Cuban: I am so inspired by his willingness and ability to jump in with innovative approaches to solving complex problems. I love what he is doing about the pharmaceutical industry. It is important work that needs new and innovative thinking.

Thank you for these great insights and for the time you spent with this interview. We wish you only continued success!