Falling In Love Again With Your Spouse: Relationship Coach Karina F. Daves On 5 Things You Need To Rekindle Love In A Marriage That Has Gone Cold

Actions that speak louder than words — What I mean by that is that you guys you both can sit here and talk over and over again about what how you feel, but when you’re at a place where you have to rekindle your love, you have to take action. If you can’t that I would seek you know a third-party on that just to get the needle moving because then that now we have to figure out why you have the inability to take action.

When people first get married, they are usually deeply in love and extremely excited to be together. But sometimes, over time, that passion and excitement begins to fade. This has been particularly true after the pandemic, when many marriages went through great upheavals. What can a couple do to rekindle the love and excitement that they used to have when they were first together? In this interview series, called “Falling In Love Again With Your Spouse; 5 Things You Need To Rekindle Love In A Marriage That Has Gone Cold,” we are talking to relationship professionals, therapists, psychologists, and coaches to share stories and insights from their experience. As a part of this series I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Karina F. Daves.

Karina F. Daves is a relationship coach (shared by Beyonce’s mom) who teaches women how to enjoy more satisfying partnerships. As a relationship coach, Karina leverages her experience as a former social worker and adjunct professor of women’s studies to teach women how to strategically evaluate their personal identity, values, and standards so that they can elevate their relationships and themselves.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?

I was a social worker for over a decade in higher education and taught as a professor for 5, through those two tracks I developed my EQ and what started out as a podcast for women turned into this whole business 3 years later. I never imagined my podcast would turn into an entire business focused on working with women in helping them in their relationships, but here we are!

Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started this career?

The most interesting thing, believe it or not, has been the haters.

I went on a two year fast from social media and when I came back I was stunned to see that everyone was selling! I left when it was just an app to share pictures with loved ones. With visibility also came a high amount of opinions and I remember being so shocked but then also leaned into what I preach, which is to become curious instead of offended.

Through my curiosity, I was able to actually help people through their comments and see that 99% of the time they were just sharing their side of the story.

Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?

I think the funniest mistake I’ve ever made was with Calendly. I was at the beginning of my business gaining confidence in selling my 1:1 coaching offer and I had been booked out for 3 months! I was so excited about it and would show up to the sales calls and people were ghosting me. No one would show up. So after about a month of no shows, I emailed everyone and told them that I was canceling their calls. I felt so defeated!

Well the next sales call that I booked after that I was on the call waiting, and thought that this person had ghosted me too! I received a DM from them telling me they couldn’t get in. Come to find out that Calendly had put my folks in WHOLE SEPARATE ZOOM ROOM. No one ghosted me, they just couldn’t find me!

You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?

I think tenacity, values, and passion. I have the tenacity to keep going as a mother, coach, and wife even when things get busy or tough.

I have values that remind me what I think is important so I always have a mission that I am going towards.

Passion helps me to keep new ideas and feel alive when I’m doing this work.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?

I am currently working on really serving my 1:1 clients and couples. I imagine that during this time I can begin to shape what my group program will be in the future where a community of couples that can grow and learn in their marriage with a community supporting them along the way.

For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority about the topic of marriage?

I am a relationship expert who has coached many couples back to a state of warmth so to speak. I have my own marriage that has overcome and I have learned a lot there as well.

Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How to Rekindle Love In A Marriage That Has Gone Cold’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of marriages “going cold”?

In marriages that have gone cold, there’s a lack of communication and checking in. I love to use the weather technique. This is where my husband and I are constantly checking in with each other on life and as well on the relationship. That clear line of communication helps to combat this going cold.

In my experience with helping others in relationship difficulty, I most often hear “lack of communication” as the reason for the difficulty or wanting to end the relationship. I believe that lack of communication is really a symptom of the real root cause, which is “loss of connection.” What must be done to regain that connection?

To regain connection, one thing you can do is to begin flirting with your partner again, like when you were dating. Flirt about little things and try to build simple connection again in a low stake way.

Based on your experience, what is the foundation for a successful marriage?

I strongly believe that values are key. If we know our values and what everything is centered around then we can make clear decisions and make things less about us and more values based.

It has been said that “a healthy, happy marriage is the union of two generous forgivers”. Can you talk about why forgiveness is so important for a relationship to thrive?

Forgiveness is important because we are all going to mess up. We are going to get rude, forget something, offend and make mistakes. This is just part of the human experience. We must learn to lean in and show we truly want forgiveness and we must practice providing that when in a healthy relationship.

Based on your experience, why do you think couples struggle to forgive and be forgiven?

We go into protection mode and we are thinking from a place of keeping ourselves safe. We start to protect in any way instead of bringing forgiveness. Of course if there is abuse occurring, these are unique times, but in general, this so why we struggle to forgive or be forgiven.

Is it important for marriage partners to inspire each other to be the best version of themselves that they can be? Can you please explain what you mean?

This is so important. You want to make sure you don’t turn into a parent of them pushing them to do something, but you want to show you leave space and room to become the best version of themselves that they can be.

What is the difference between marriage partners being “a team” and not just “a couple”?

Being a team means that you are on the same side and work to support each other. You see the best in each other and you are looking for the ways that you can improve their life. It reminds me of the orange theory that’s going around. If your partner has something they don’t like to do, do it or for them. For example in this theory, if a partner doesn’t like to peel the orange, peel it for them and see that connection and teamwork build.

Ok, here is the main question of our discussion. Can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Rekindle Love In A Marriage That Has Gone Cold?” Can you please give a story or example for each?

1. Vulnerability

What I mean by that is you’re going to have to be able to say the things that you feel scared to say that are raw about you and that you think may hurt them. You know that you’re saying it because you love them and because you want this relationship to change. You need to tell and have the ability to tell your partner your deepest darkest thoughts. It’s part of being vulnerable and it’s part of having growth.

2. Communication w/ Comprehension

You’re going to need communication with comprehension. You are going to have to start saying things that makes sense not just that keep you both in this like circle of communication but that makes sense to them and makes sense to you. Sometimes we just talk about our feelings and we really don’t get into the nitty-gritty of I’m saying things that actually make sense.

3. Actions that speak louder than words

What I mean by that is that you guys you both can sit here and talk over and over again about what how you feel, but when you’re at a place where you have to rekindle your love, you have to take action. If you can’t that I would seek you know a third-party on that just to get the needle moving because then that now we have to figure out why you have the inability to take action.

4. Common Ground

Find common ground and that’s saying listen I see where you’re at I see where I’m at let’s try this thing. What do you think?

5. Strategy with flexibility

Whatever strategy you come up with, be okay with that working. Don’t just throw your hands up and be like relationship over.

Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?

I recommend my podcast, Relationships, You Understand? as it is packed full of so much knowledge and tips that you could use today inside of your marriage.

Because of the position that you are in, you are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

I want to create happier marriages that have more sex and argue less. This could impact so many lives, and the world in a powerful way when people feel understood, loved, and supported by their partner in life.

We are very blessed that very prominent leaders read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them :-)

If I had to choose, it would be Tabitha Brown. I’ve read her first book and she emailed me when I was starting my business and I would love one day to connect. She brings God and Realness together so gracefully. She’s definitely someone I look up to.

Thank you for these great insights and for the time you spent with this interview. We wish you only continued success!