Gabby Blanchard of Human Options On Strategies for Rebuilding Life After Trauma

An Interview With Nancy Landrum

Have FUN. I was not going to be bound by fear and shame any longer, it was not going to dictate my future. Humor and laughter are so important! I was going to make new memories and have FUN, even with the small things.

Trauma can arrive dressed in many different circumstances. You may be the victim of a criminal act. Your house may be destroyed by fire, flood or tornado. You may be fired from a job you loved. An illness or accident may change what you physically can do. Someone you dearly love may reject you or die. Even good things require us to explore a different version of who we are. We fall in love, marry, have a child, start a new career. No one gets through life without a trauma or two changing the trajectory of your future. At those junctures in life, we have to reimagine who we are now. What changes must I make in order to live the life I now have? Today I have the privilege of interviewing Gabby Blanchard.

As a young woman, Gabby found herself trapped in an abusive marriage. After giving birth to her twin boys her situation grew increasingly worse. In the midst of immense confusion and fear, she finally had the courage to leave her abusive husband after almost 7 years of marriage. Gabriella is now a Sr. Producer Recruiter at Marsh & McLennan Agency, and sits on the board of Human Options, a local nonprofit in Orange County, CA.

Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” better. Please describe who you were before circumstances required you to change.

Absolutely! I came from a wonderful family and was raised by a strong single mom. Most of my childhood was in Denver, CO and my teen years were spent in Orange County, CA. I was blessed to have a private school education, was captain of my cheer squad, a part of my student body counsel, and a straight-A student. I had a happy childhood and wonderful friends and support. My faith was extremely important to me! I gave my life to Christ in high school and all I really wanted to do was be a mom and wife and serve in ministry in some capacity. After high school, I decided to take a year to study the Bible at a local Bible College before pursuing a degree for a career. It was during that time that I met my ex-husband. I was 18 years old when we met, he was 24. He was very highly esteemed in our faith-based community, and was even teaching the jr. high ministry at a local church. On paper, he seemed to be everything I was looking for in a future partner. We had a very fast romance and six months, to the day, from our first date we were engaged. When we started dating this was the first man I had ever been intimate with. I had one kiss in high school and was swept up in the charm of it all.

I can’t remember the first time he was physically abusive but remember driving to our engagement gathering with my family and I had said something off the cuff. He started pulling over the car, I had no idea why. He ended up getting out and coming around to my side, covered my mouth, shoved my head back into the seat, and was screaming in my face. I was crying and he ended up getting back in the car and apologizing, and then we went on from there. This was so out of left field from the man I thought that I loved, the guy I would binge shows with, laugh with, and do ministry alongside.

I felt I needed to forgive him, I loved him, and now understand that I started disassociating to keep myself together. I didn’t want to leave, so I didn’t want anyone to know about his “struggle”. After we got married, the first two years of the abuse were bad. But I would have told anyone at the time that he was amazing, I didn’t think what I was experiencing was abuse. In my mind, he had an anger issue and I needed to focus on being the best I could be and honor the Lord and my vows. That became my normal, and it’s very confusing when you have months where everything was “great” with no outward physical violence. I later came to understand the gaslighting, and emotional abuse, and that it was about him keeping the power and control.

I never went on to get a degree, because according to him I didn’t need one, and it was a waste of time and money. From there I started to Nanny part-time and ran a Children’s Ministry at a Church.

It took me getting pregnant and things escalating for me to face the reality of what I was living in. The last year before I left, I had no car. This was painted to me as “You aren’t working now, we will save money. You can use my car while I am at work, and drop me off and pick me up.” But his schedule as a police officer didn’t allow for that with his late hours. I no longer had a credit card and was given an allowance on what I could spend. He would monitor online everything I purchased. Again, all said it was for the good of our family and finances, so I was on board to do whatever I needed to be a team player.

After the boys were born the façade was slipping in front of my family. My mom and other friends started to question me and ask what was going on and if I was ok.

Was the life change something you chose? Or was it thrust on you unexpectedly, as a surprise? Please explain in detail.

There was a defining moment three months before I left where he had threatened to have me arrested for kidnapping if I left with the boys, then threatened to kill me. At that point, I started to crumble, and I knew I needed to get out. I cried out to God because I didn’t see a way and didn’t know what to do. I had met with a counselor, without divulging all that was happening, and he told me I needed to confide in a trusted friend. There was only one friend I knew I could tell, but she lived out of state and I didn’t have the courage at the time to reach out.

Fast forward two months later, my ex was laying into me again and he was getting ready to leave for work. I had this crazy feeling come over me, that I believe was God, and I knew this was my moment. I was going to get out. He shut the front door, and I immediately started praying that God would give me a sign. At that same moment the friend who I had decided would be my trusted person to confide in, texted me asking how I was doing. We hadn’t spoken in months. I broke down and told her everything, she told me to call the police and gave me the encouragement I needed. From there I packed up what I could of our things, told my family, and got to a hotel. The police were able to issue me an emergency protective order. This was a huge turning point in my life.

This was my choice, but also… there was no choice in leaving, I couldn’t live this way anymore and needed to protect my boys.

Did I choose to be in an abusive relationship? No. No one would choose to be in an abusive relationship if they knew in advance that the person they were falling in love with would turn and start abusing them. Once the abuse starts, at that point, you feel trapped and the number of barriers and obstacles you face in leaving can feel harder/ scarier than staying.

What were your initial feelings about this change in circumstances? Give a few examples.

I felt the most broken I ever have in my life and truly felt like I couldn’t sink any lower. I remember throwing up as my mom and I were packing up the car to leave. I was terrified.

I also had no job, no money, and two nine-month-old twin babies that needed me. I had no idea how I was going to provide or ever get on my own two feet. Thank God my mom took us in and put a roof over our head, also helping me financially. On top of that, my ex was trying to get full custody of the boys and I had an intense court battle ahead of me, with no money to pay for a good attorney. Again, my family stepped in to support me and took care of legal fees. I will forever be grateful to all the friends and family who rallied around me. It took a long time for me to see how I was going to be able to live and raise the boys on my own.

I was dealing with unpacking years’ worth of traumatic memories. Having nightmares and reliving all of it as I recounted it all to my family and in court. I look back and still don’t know how I got through it.

How long did it take to see how you could survive or thrive in your new circumstances?

It wasn’t something that happened overnight but two months after I left, I got connected to Human Options. Through their organization, I received free counseling and went through their Personal Empowerment Program (PEP). This made a huge impact on my healing journey and propelled me forward in rebuilding my life free from violence. It was during this time I started to believe that I could do this, that there is life on the other side of trauma. This wasn’t the end of my story!

Outside of that, the first two years were a daily battle to be present for my kids and put one foot in front of the other. Then slowly as I began to rebuild, I started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

What are five important choices you made that helped you adjust to the change in your life?

1. Grieve it. I gave myself permission to not have it all together all the time or have all the answers. It’s ok to have hard days. Grief is a process and healing doesn’t come overnight; we have to be patient with ourselves. It’s ok to feel sad, and angry about it.
2. Be thankful. I made a conscious choice to be thankful every day for something. There is always something to be grateful for, even when the floor feels like it’s falling out from under you. This helped me shift my perspective.
3. Get gritty. I determined to show up as the best mom I could, even though this was not what I had hoped my life/ their childhood would look like. (Somedays this looked like leaving the dishes and just cuddling them on the couch.) I was going to work hard and keep pushing forward even on the hardest days.
4. Find Your Tribe. It’s so important to be surrounded by other people/ women who love unconditionally, encouraging you, and do life with you. I don’t know what I would have done without the girlfriends who took the 2 am phone calls from me in tears. During the times you feel you can’t go on they are there to put their arm around you and hold you up.
5. Have FUN. I was not going to be bound by fear and shame any longer, it was not going to dictate my future. Humor and laughter are so important! I was going to make new memories and have FUN, even with the small things.

Have you been able to flourish in your new circumstances?

By the grace of God, I have been able to thrive! I ended up landing an incredible job in sales that propelled me into my current role so I am no longer living paycheck to paycheck. The boys and I live in a beautiful condo, I have traveled, and made such happy memories, things that when I left my ex I couldn’t have even conceived was possible.

What do you like or value about the new you that has emerged as a result of these circumstances?

I am much more confident, and my home is a place of peace no more walking on eggshells. I have taken back control of my life!

If some time has passed, have you found things about the original trauma for which you now feel gratitude?

I have a greater depth of compassion for the hurting because of what I went through. It’s so easy to judge others but we have no idea the hidden battles people are facing.

What are the best outcomes that are a direct result of the personal growth that was forced on you as a result of this trauma? Describe.

I found my voice and am ok with myself. I’m able to navigate healthy relationships and truly feel independent. By breaking the cycle of violence there is now a new trajectory for myself and most importantly for my boys.

Was any particular person, or book instrumental in helping you formulate who the new you could be following this trauma?

Human Options made a profound impact. The counselors and team there were so compassionate. They played a huge role in my healing journey. I don’t know what I would have done without the counseling I received and what I learned from the PEP program! Most importantly, I know that God has kept me and taken care of me and my boys every step of the way. He is the reason I am where I am at.

Have there been opportunities to encourage or support others who are going through similar traumas? Please describe.

I am fortunate enough that I have been able to help and speak to many women who are in abusive relationships, even their families. I get messages still to this day because I am vocal in speaking out and advocating against Domestic Violence. I do all that I can to encourage them that they can leave, and point them to resources to help. I have also since joined the Board for Human Options and try and give back to the organization that helped me when I needed it the most.

Is there any particular person with whom you’d love to share a meal or a conversation about the lessons learned through trauma?

That’s a tough one!.. I don’t have a particular famous person in mind. I think I would want to share a meal with a woman who feels lost, alone, and unseen. I wish I could have lunch with that woman! Let her know how brave and amazing she is, and that she isn’t alone in what she is facing and feeling.

I am so grateful you’ve been able to share this experience. It is truly inspiring!

About the Interviewer: Nancy Landrum, MA, Relationship Coach, has authored eight books, including “How to Stay Married and Love it” and “Stepping Twogether: Building a Strong Stepfamily”. Nancy has been coaching couples and stepfamilies with transformative communication skills for over thirty years. Nancy is an engaging interviewer and powerful speaker. Nancy has contributed to The Washington Post, Huffington Post, Authority, Medium, Yahoo, MSN, Psych Central, Thrive, Woman’s Day magazine, and more. Nancy is the Founder of the only one of its kind online relationship solution, www.MillionaireMarriageClub.com. Nancy coaches couples across the globe in person and via Zoom. Nancy’s passion is to guide couples and families to happy lasting marriages where children thrive and lovers love for life.