GoAskAlex: How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself
We spend 100% of our lives in the company of our own inner dialogue. If that dialogue is self-deprecating, we inevitably end up wasting our precious time; We have no idea which day will be our last! I want to challenge your readers to practice empathy and patience with themselves. We aren’t perfect, we’re human. If loving yourself feels too difficult, start with accepting yourself instead. Starting with a neutral perspective can make the process feel like less of a mountain.
As a part of our series about “How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself” I had the pleasure to interview GoAskAlex.
GoAskAlex is an adult model, onscreen performer and sex educator with the distinction of being the industry’s first-ever ostomate. The red-haired performer uses her high-profile platform to advocate for disabled and underrepresented bodies in adult media. Alex currently sits atop the 1% of content creators on OnlyFans, and is the first published SuicideGirl with an ostomy.
Thank you so much for joining us! I’d love to begin by asking you to give us the backstory as to what brought you to this specific career path.
People often assume that since my career is so interesting, the story of how I got into this industry must be too! Unfortunately there is nothing exciting about that story. In 2014 I was between jobs and had several mounting financial pressures. The idea of being sexual in front of a camera was intriguing — particularly since I could do it from the privacy of my own bedroom. When I realized the monetary possibilities that online sex work yielded, I was hooked.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?
I am working on several interesting things right now. I just completed an educational and erotic video detailing my experiences as a disabled person in the porn industry. It will be released in September for ZeroSpaces, and I cannot wait to share it with the world!
I have also been focusing much of my energy on the Fairy Creek Blockade in BC, Canada, where protestors have been standing their ground against RCMP for over 11 months. I will be returning there in the coming weeks to offer myself as an arrestee in order to keep these ancient forests intact.
In the future, I would like to create a series of YouTube videos centred around body image and self acceptance. As a disabled person, I feel that I bring a unique perspective to the table. Thriving in society with such unrealistic beauty standards is difficult for anyone, but can be particularly onerous when your body is not conventionally attractive.
Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self acceptance?
Growing up as a young woman in the early 2000s, I struggled with the same weight-focused insecurities that many girls my age dealt with as a result of the “thin is in!” fads of the 90’s.
With the fashion industry pumping out thousands of emaciated models (whose bodies were referred to by many as “heroin chic”), and invention of highly unregulated social media, a great deal of women of my generation didn’t stand a chance against body dysmorphia. In fact, I could count on one hand the number of women I personally know who haven’t struggled with an eating disorder in their life! I was no exception to this, and it was made worse by the fact that my weight frequently fluctuated as a result of my chronic illness. While my bowel disease led to rapid weight loss and fatigue, the medications for it would fast-track weight gain and water retention. My body became foreign to me; at times I didn’t even recognize my reflection in the mirror. These feelings and habits followed me into adulthood. Each time I began to feel stable, a flare up of my illness would leave me bedridden and my weight would plummet or skyrocket. It was hard not to resent myself through the process.
When I went through life-altering surgery in 2019 to remove my colon and re-route my small intestine out through my abdomen, everything changed. I was confronted by my own internalized ableism and expectations for conformity. My perception of beauty changed as I witnessed my body carrying me through this intense physical trauma. I began to have a new appreciation for my body, and all of the work it’s done to keep me alive and healthy. Strangely, I love my body now more than ever. Losing an organ was the beginning of finding love (and forgiveness!) for myself.
According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?
I personally feel that advertising is at the root of most modern physical insecurities. At the core of advertising, of course, is money. Fashion and beauty industries benefit financially from controlling what we see as beautiful, as well as what we wear and what we eat. The constant bombardment of media portraying diet fads, celebrities, recipes, diet and exercise regimes — it subconsciously impacts us more than we are even aware. Because of this, I see self-love as a radical choice as well as a powerful weapon against the oppression of the patriarchy and late-stage capitalism!
To some, the concept of learning to truly understand and “love yourself,” may seem like a cheesy or trite concept. But it is not. Can you share with our readers a few reasons why learning to love yourself it’s truly so important?
We spend 100% of our lives in the company of our own inner dialogue. If that dialogue is self-deprecating, we inevitably end up wasting our precious time; We have no idea which day will be our last! I want to challenge your readers to practice empathy and patience with themselves. We aren’t perfect, we’re human. If loving yourself feels too difficult, start with accepting yourself instead. Starting with a neutral perspective can make the process feel like less of a mountain.
Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this?
In the past I have found myself in several unhappy relationships that I felt I was unable to leave due to a crushing fear of being alone. Finding your way in this world without a partner by your side can feel insurmountable. I would remind anyone in this situation that the most important relationship in your life is the one that you have with yourself… and when you are with yourself, you are never alone.
So many don’t really know how to be alone, or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?
Our lives today are structured very differently than they have been during every other time in history. We’ve transitioned from communal living to isolation (especially in the last couple of years with the COVID-19 pandemic). The state of our local communities can have a massive impact on our mental and physical wellbeing. The modern human may not know the names of their neighbors, and may rarely hear the voice of the person they consider their closest friend. We have, in some ways, replaced physical touch with technology. Though it is certainly convenient to have food delivered straight to our doorsteps, I think that this isolation will have a serious negative impact over time as we forget how to partake in basic day-to-day interactions. Moving into a comfortable state of being “alone” can mean making room for new opportunities to gather and create a sense of community in your life. When ending a relationship (or transitioning into any new chapter of your life), it is important to seek out allies — meaning those who have your BEST interests at heart!
How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?
When I was insecure, I had a difficult time connecting with others. I would react how I thought they wanted me to react, and say what I thought they wanted to hear. When I began to love myself, and in so doing became confident, I made more genuine connections.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?
Dialectical Behavioural Therapy has been immensely helpful in helping me to re-write the scripts I had about myself. DBT was developed by Marsha Lineham in order to treat patients with Borderline Personality Disorder, and helps individuals to regulate their emotional responses to difficult situations around them. I own the DBT Workbook and DBT FlashCards, but YouTube is a great resource for anyone on a budget who is interested in learning these resources.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…
I feel that radical self acceptance (and self love!) is the key to happiness in our lives. When we can silence harmful inner dialogue — even if just for moments at a time — we will be leaps and bounds happier, more motivated, and engaged with the world around us. With that in mind, moving forward I feel deeply drawn to environmental activism. I have spent many of the past few weeks at the Fairy Creek Blockade in Port Renfrew, BC, Canada, protesting the destruction of our last old growth forests. If I could, I would urge every person who reads these words to research the incredible impact that ancient forests have on our ecosystems, and why they are so important to protect.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that you use to guide yourself by? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?
I always try to remind myself “You aren’t strong because of your experiences; you are strong despite them”. For many years, I told myself that my trauma and the difficulties in my life made me stronger. Over the years, I realized that in doing so I was giving more power to these experiences. I found myself thinking ‘but wait — it’s not BECAUSE of these experiences that I’m strong… I was strong all along! I am strong despite them!’.
When people tell me that I am strong because of my health complications, I like to remind them that I was strong to begin with, and that I am strong despite them. This mindset reminds me of my personal power and helps me to own my accomplishments.
Thank you so much for your time and for your inspiring insights!
