Happiness and Joy During Turbulent Times: Author Lara Barbir On How To Live With Joie De Vivre, Even When It Feels Like The Whole World Is Pulling You Down
An Interview With Lucinda Koza
Playfulness and Humor. Life is happier and lighter when you’re remembering to not take everything so seriously. When times are dark and turbulent, drawing upon playfulness and humor are of the utmost importance to help provide a sense of balance. Give yourself permission to have some fun and lighten up your day with opportunities for laughter. I spend an average of maybe 5 hours a day in the depths of my clients’ darknesses, and to counter that I draw upon funny memes, videos, and jokes and then make a point to share the laughter with my loved ones. Spending time around children (including your fur babies!) can also be a helpful reminder to inspire you to channel creativity and play into your day-to-day routine. In this regard, happiness is a choice you’re making every day.
It sometimes feels like it is so hard to avoid feeling down or depressed these days. Between the sad news coming from world headlines, and the constant negative messages popping up on social and traditional media, it sometimes feels like the entire world is pulling you down. What do you do to feel happiness and joy during these troubled and turbulent times? In this interview series called “Finding Happiness and Joy During Turbulent Times” we are talking to experts, authors, and mental health professionals who share lessons from their research or experience about “How To Find Happiness and Joy During Troubled & Turbulent Times”.
As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Lara Barbir.
Dr. Lara Barbir is a clinical psychologist and supervisor specializing in trauma, sleep medicine, and women’s health serving a diverse range of adults in her private practice in California. While she is well-versed in applying a myriad of evidence-based treatments, Dr. Barbir is particularly passionate about using EMDR and interpersonal psychotherapy approaches with higher-functioning adults struggling with depression, complex trauma/PTSD, anxiety, insomnia, and/or chronic pain. She is currently in the process of publishing a book with New Harbinger Publications about EMDR therapy for trauma-driven depression to be available to the public in early 2026. Outside of her passions as a psychologist, Dr. Barbir enjoys teaching group fitness classes, novel adventures through learning, hiking, and travel, and connecting with her loved ones.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive into the main focus of our interview, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
Most people are surprised to learn that my father is of Lebanese and Syrian descent — he was born and raised in Beirut — and that my parents actually met in Saudi Arabia when my mom was visiting her parents who had been living and working at a university there. While I only recall being raised in Virginia Beach, VA, I lived in Riyadh until I was 3 years old. After several turbulent on-and-off trials, my parents split up several years after we moved to the U.S. My mom remarried when I was 8 to then later divorce when I was 15, a series of events which triggered my own first episode of depression. My dad remarried and moved to Paris when I was 9 and still lives there today with my Tunisian stepmom and two half-sisters. While these experiences certainly had their full range of impacts on my psyche — and even my body as I was diagnosed with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis when I was 7 — the exposures to multiple cultures from a young age helped shape my open-minded and curious perspective, which has enabled me to connect with and serve a diverse range of individuals in the meaningful work that I do today.
What or who inspired you to pursue your career? We’d love to hear the story.
Believe it or not, I actually went to college thinking I would study music. I played classical piano from the age of 8 and had attended the prestigious Governor’s School for it, plus I had been heavily involved in other arts including my school’s chorus group and competitive dance throughout middle and high school. But when I took my very first psychology class during my first semester at UVA out of an intuitive curiosity, it instantly hooked me. Next thing I knew, I was in a research lab learning and applying motivational interviewing with students in a randomized clinical trial, and I joined a Young Women Leaders Program mentoring 7th and 8th graders in the community. Both of these activities that I loved were spearheaded by clinical psychologists so, in my then 19-year-old brain, I instinctively and confidently decided I was going to become a clinical psychologist like them. I told myself I would need to pursue advanced education to maximize opportunities for success and that I would simply figure it out as I pursued my passions and exposed myself to a breadth of research, academic, and clinical experiences. My maternal grandfather had always been my biggest inspiration in that he played classical piano and had a doctorate himself, albeit in English literature, so both music and higher education were in my blood. Little did I know then that the ultimate test to becoming a clinical psychologist is whether you can manage your own stress as you jump through the many arduous hoops required to receiving your doctorate! But I did it despite the academic and personal hurdles along the journey, and was thrilled to find I loved it just as much if not even more once I officially received my California license in 2019 — nearly 11 years after my first semester at UVA.
None of us can achieve success without some help along the way. Was there a particular person who you feel gave you the most help or encouragement to be who you are today? Can you share a story about that?
It is incredibly hard to judge this question as every person and pet in my life has played an integral role in shaping who I am today. Nonetheless, my instinctive response says I owe the most credit to my mom, who passed away from throat cancer in 2018 after an arduous six-year battle. Her cancer was actually caused by problems with alcohol and an eating disorder, which in my own healing and professional journeys I came to understand were secondary to an unresolved complex trauma history of her own. So, you could definitely say her struggles influenced my curiosity about and fascination with psychology and the world of healing. At the same time, she was my biggest cheerleader and also a writer herself. She was always so proud and encouraging of my work through both her eloquent words and passionate actions as she would happily celebrate me whenever I’d come home during school breaks. Case in point, one of the few times she was upset with me in my final years was because she was throwing a surprise party for me at my grandparents’ place and I unknowingly arrived there early while she was still setting up the surprise party and no one else had come yet.
Can you share the funniest or most interesting mistake that occurred to you in the course of your career? What lesson or take away did you learn from that?
In my early career I thought I would fare better working within primary care and behavioral medicine settings because I feared that I wouldn’t be able to handle being a trauma therapist. And now here I am mostly doing trauma work with people day in and day out — joke’s on me — and actually loving it. So never say never! Facing and challenging your fears might pleasantly surprise you.
What are some of the most interesting or exciting projects you are working on now? How do you think that might help people?
I am in the process of having my first book published — a milestone I had not imagined occurring until my later years that sort of magically came my way by invitation from New Harbinger Publications last year — and it has been an exciting new adventure for me. It’s about eye movement desensitization reprocessing (EMDR) therapy for depression as most therapies for depression do not directly address the fact that adult depression is linked to childhood trauma. The book emphasizes embarking on a meaningful albeit challenging journey toward acceptance with mindfulness, self-compassion, and EMDR as tools to help along the way. In my work with clients in my private practice I really like to integrate interpersonal psychotherapy (IPT) with EMDR therapy because of IPT’s deliberate focus on improving social support, so I also recently started a project of developing a workshop for other therapists that integrates the two therapies. My overall mission is to inspire others to go inward and heal themselves to better our future generations, so I have a vision for helping the general public as well as a vision for helping other clinicians.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
The first character trait coming to mind that seems more obvious to me is perseverance — my mother would always laugh with others as she told them that my only flaw was my broken off button. Well, she wasn’t entirely wrong. As I had mentioned above, I knew from early on in college that I would need to pursue an advanced degree in psychology to maximize my success in the field. Perseverance in and of itself is not sufficient to me, though. I think perseverance was a byproduct of pursuing something that felt right in my heart.
Thus, I think genuineness, authenticity, and honesty is the second set of character traits that were most instrumental to my success. Being honest with myself about my career interests ensured that my subsequent pursuits and actions were aligned. And I think being in that place of alignment is necessary to enable anyone to persevere on their path to success — however they define it for them personally.
Finally, and related to my authentic expression, I owe my endless curiosity and interest in the world to my success. Curiosity is what has led me to expand my learning and discovery across multiple settings, populations, and therapeutic modalities since the start of my career journey. It’s why I can say I have received advanced training in a myriad of evidence-based treatments like motivational interviewing, EMDR, IPT, acceptance and commitment therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, cognitive processing therapy, prolonged exposure therapy, and written exposure therapy, to name a few. It led me to experience some of those modalities as a psychotherapy recipient to enhance self-discovery and wisdom, therefore enabling me to become a better therapist.
For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly let us know why you are an authority about the topic of finding joy?
One of the areas I was initially drawn to during my first year of graduate school was the field of positive psychology. Unlike clinical psychology, which aims to understand “pathological” human behavior, positive psychology aims to understand what makes people flourish in life. Clinical psychology studies mentally ill people whereas positive psychology studies happy people. It is because of the field of positive psychology that we have developed an understanding behind the science of happiness. To this point, I decided to specifically study posttraumatic growth for my research dissertation vs. strictly looking at posttraumatic stress disorder, and I regularly integrate positive psychology interventions (PPI) in both my personal existence and with the clients I serve in my practice.
Ok, thank you for all of that. Let’s now shift to the main focus of our interview about finding joy. Even before the pandemic hit, the United States was ranked at #19 in the World Happiness Report. Can you share a few reasons why you think the ranking is so low, despite all of the privileges and opportunities that we have in the US?
The first reason for this lower ranking that came to mind is the unfortunate fact that our nation is not among the healthiest — when we’re not in good health, it impacts our quality of life and makes it both easier to suffer and harder to feel joyful. Part of the issue related to this is difficulty with access to high-quality healthcare. Speaking of access, despite all of the privileges and opportunities in the U.S., not everyone has equal access to education like is the case for the top ranked happiest countries. Another part of the reason for worse health is because of underlying and unresolved stress and the associated unhealthy behaviors people engage in like drinking, smoking, unhealthy dietary choices, and more sedentary lifestyles to cope. We do know from recent Gallup polls, too, that younger generations — namely adolescents and young adults — are reporting the highest prevalences of depression and other mental health problems these days, which is also likely driving down the U.S.’s ranking as a whole. Things like financial stress, climate change, and the impact of the pandemic on multiple factors, in addition to the access problems already mentioned, may be broader variables contributing to the increase in mental health problems. One of the biggest factors that affects mental health and happiness is having an adequate social support system, so I also suspect that not having a high-quality support system may be driving the U.S.’s happiness ranking lower than other countries.
What are the main myths or misconceptions you’d like to dispel about finding joy and happiness? Can you please share some stories or examples?
The main one that comes to mind is the mentality that “I’ll be happy when…” When you place conditions on your happiness, for example making your happiness dependent on having that vacation, material thing, job, relationship, etc., or when XYZ is happening or no longer happening, you are implying that you are not happy with what you have right now. You are placing conditions on your happiness and subsequently making a choice. While we do know that having financial security and investing in experiences vs. material things do contribute to happiness, thinking that you need to do something grand or fancy and placing expectations on that being the “thing” that will make you happy is a tricky road to go down.
Another misconception is that being happy means you never feel sad, mad, scared, anxious, or worried. To live life to the fullest means to experience the full range of emotions. No one is void of suffering. In fact, the people who are the happiest have often also experienced a lot of suffering. You can be a generally happy person and still experience the “negative” emotions.
Relatedly, if you’re hooking into a belief like “because I have been traumatized, I’ll always be depressed, unhappy, etc.,” you are actively making a choice that is counterproductive to your happiness. The saying is true here that whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right. You are choosing to believe such a statement that is simply a thought or set of thoughts your mind might be telling you when you are feeling anxious and/or sad.
In a related, but slightly different question, what are the main mistakes you have seen people make when they try to find happiness? Can you please share some stories or examples?
Again, the mistakes lie in the chasing after happiness — though sometimes this needs to occur as a necessary part of the learning journey. Finding happiness and joy does not have to be complicated and, ironically, the more complicated you make it, the greater the likelihood you’ll be frustrated.
This is less of a mistake and more of what it means to be human, and that is on the subject of defense mechanisms. Especially when you’ve experienced adversity, you’ve likely developed this strong guard to dissociate or detach from feeling pain. Being able to detach and compartmentalize is a necessary survival skill so it’s not all bad. Unfortunately, when you make a habit of doing this, you ended up unintentionally blocking positive feelings, too. To detach (in a numbing sort of way rather than a mindfulness/Buddhist sort of way, that is) is to detach. Getting good at blocking out the bad tends to mean you’re also blocking out the good, too. So the “mistake” is in the ingrained habit of blocking and numbing, and the answer lies in learning to be more flexible and accept your pain so you can live life more fully and, therefore, happily.
Fantastic. Here is the main question of our discussion. Can you please share with our readers your “5 things you need to live with more Joie De Vivre, more joy and happiness in life, particularly during turbulent times?” (Please share a story or an example for each.)
1. Basic Needs. First things first, prioritize your physical needs for sleep, food, hydration, activity, and your medical regimen if applicable. Aim for roughly 7–9 hours of sleep per night, keep a consistent schedule, and listen to your needs during the day for rest. Eat nourishing meals that make your heart happy (that’s Mediterranean cuisine for me!) and keep yourself hydrated with ample water, mixing it with flavors if that makes you happy. Keeping up with a regular exercise routine will act as a natural antidepressant and help with your mood and sleep.
2. Love and Belonging. When the external world goes chaotic and turbulent, internally our biological attachment system goes into crisis mode. Even if you lean toward being more introverted, the truth is that we are social animals. We not only need one another for survival — especially during times of crisis — but we thrive and flourish when we have a solid support system. A healthy dependence on others can support your independence and continued growth. So let love in always, but especially when times are turbulent — the one silver lining of the chaos is in how it can bring community together! Cherish the people you have in your life who genuinely care for you and vice versa, and find creative ways to continuously expand and nurture your social network. Spend quality time with others and don’t be afraid to ask for extra support in whatever forms are most meaningful for particular relationships — funny videos and memes, hugs, snuggles, a listening ear, activities, food, watching movies or shows together, sharing interests or hobbies, etc. And if you find yourself struggling to ask for help graciously consider engaging with a therapist who uses IPT and/or EMDR therapy modalities to work through the blocks to giving and receiving love. Bonus info: let your hugs last at least 20 seconds so your brain can release oxytocin and you can literally let love in.
3. Spiritual Connectedness. Speaking of connections, also make a point to limit screen exposure (especially including exposure to the news) and increase exposure to the sun and nature. Trust mother nature’s ability to nourish your mind, body, and soul! Spending time outdoors with nature can engage your senses and help you stay present, grounded and out of your head. Engage in spiritual practices that are nourishing for you personally. Other than spending time in nature, you might engage in activities like yoga, tai chi, meditation, mindful coloring, drawing, reading, journaling, soundbathing, dancing, cacao ceremonies, sweat lodges, serving your community, learning something new, pursuing meaningful goals, or other relevant religious or spiritual rituals. The purpose of engaging in such activities is to feel a sense of connectedness, peace, and joy. Drawing upon your spiritual and/or religious faith system can also help you be more accepting of both the bigger picture of life and the little details of the day-to-day existence. And happiness can result more naturally when you can easily let go and trust the journey of life.
4. An Attitude of Gratitude. As we accrue greater responsibilities, we naturally become more focused on problem-solving things that are going wrong and less attuned to appreciating the many blessings in our day-to-day existence — whether big or small. And while we can’t necessarily control what’s happening around us, what’s within our control is our attitude toward our experience. The science of happiness shows us that the more we train our brains to appreciate and feel gratitude for our lives every day, no matter the circumstances, the happier we feel. We especially need this mode of thinking during turbulent times.
Gratitude exercise: Start or end your day by reflecting on the day prior, and point out at least 3 things from the day that you feel grateful for. It can be any moment such as feeling the sun shining on your shoulders when you stepped outside, to sharing a smile with a stranger you passed by, to working through a challenging situation courageously, to giving yourself permission to take a break, to hugging a loved one, to that first sip of coffee you had in your morning ritual, to feeling in good health, to job security, etc. The purpose is to deliberately focus on finding moments of gratitude and enhancing feelings of appreciation and gratitude in the moment as you are reflecting on those moments. Make a habit of doing this several minutes a day and you’ll soon find that during your days you will start appreciating things more in the moment. After all, happiness is about wanting what you have — so take the time out of your days to savor and appreciate all that you do have. You’ll know your skillset is advancing when you can also experience gratitude for the challenges and associated “negative” emotions that might arise, rather than only feeling grateful for “positive” experiences.
5. Playfulness and Humor. Life is happier and lighter when you’re remembering to not take everything so seriously. When times are dark and turbulent, drawing upon playfulness and humor are of the utmost importance to help provide a sense of balance. Give yourself permission to have some fun and lighten up your day with opportunities for laughter. I spend an average of maybe 5 hours a day in the depths of my clients’ darknesses, and to counter that I draw upon funny memes, videos, and jokes and then make a point to share the laughter with my loved ones. Spending time around children (including your fur babies!) can also be a helpful reminder to inspire you to channel creativity and play into your day-to-day routine. In this regard, happiness is a choice you’re making every day.
What can concerned friends, colleagues, and life partners do to effectively help support someone they care about who is feeling down or depressed?
First and foremost, make sure you are taking care of yourself, because what your loved one who is depressed needs the most is for you to be at your best. The saying on the plane is true that you must put your mask on first before you try to help others. Furthermore, showing your own self-compassion and self-care is an important modeling behavior for your depressed loved one.
Second, and relatedly, think less about what you can do for them and more about how to simply be there for and with them. As I mentioned above, when someone is in crisis, they need love and support. To me, the most important kind of love to offer in this context is love that is comprised of deep listening and loving speech. Therefore, the most helpful thing you can do to show your support is to offer a compassionate, listening ear. A suffering person does not need a lecturer; they need a listener.
Accordingly, set the intention to listen to understand, rather than to listen to reply or problem-solve. When you have truly listened, you’ll then be able to know what that person is needing next — if anything at all. It might be a simple validation of what they’re feeling, a comforting hug, a shoulder to cry on, words of encouragement, or even asking them what they need from you in that moment. What’s important here is acting in ways that are genuine with your style and coming from a place of love and compassion. Again, try not to jump into problem-solving — unless your loved one is deliberately asking for advice, that’s not what they’re needing.
Ok, we are nearly done. You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good for the greatest number of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger.
I remember during graduate school I learned about the school systems in Bhutan and how they integrate mindfulness education and practice into their school days — and it really stuck with me. I think emotional intelligence is one of the most important components of intelligence, yet I did not get one sliver of exposure or training to this during any of my school years. While I recognize that this is improving nowadays and the U.S. has many wonderful nonprofit programs that have mindfulness training programs for teachers and students, my hope is that mindfulness and emotional intelligence training become a requirement within our education system curriculums to continue bettering our future generations. For all we know, someone out there has a mind that can cure the most incurable diseases, but if they’re lacking in emotional intelligence they will likely never make it to the point to solve such important problems in the world. Mindfulness helps with literally everything from emotion regulation to physical health to brain health to reduced prejudice because of its ability to increase one’s self-awareness. It has the power to transform humanity and evolution!
We are very blessed that some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we both tag them 😊
Oprah Winfrey! She has forever been someone I look up to and idolize, and in reading her book several years ago, What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing, I was affirmed in my presumptions that our visions and missions very much align. This is actually on my bucket list and I’m choosing to stay optimistic.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
https://transcendent-therapy.com
https://www.tiktok.com/@drlarabarbir
https://www.linkedin.com/in/lara-barbir/
Thank you for these really excellent insights, and we greatly appreciate the time you spent with this. We wish you continued success and good health!
About the Interviewer: After becoming her father’s sole caregiver at a young age, Lucinda Koza founded I-Ally, a community-based app that provides access to services and support for millennial family caregivers. Mrs. Koza has had essays published in Thought Catalog, Medium Women, Caregiving.com and Hackernoon.com. She was featured in ‘Founded by Women: Inspiration and Advice from over 100 Female Founders’ by Sydney Horton. A filmmaker, Mrs. Koza premiered short film ‘Laura Point’ at the 2015 Cannes Film Festival and recently co-directed ‘Caregivers: A Story About Them’ with Egyptian filmmaker Roshdy Ahmed. Her most notable achievement, however, has been becoming a mother to fraternal twins in 2023. Reach out to Lucinda via social media or directly by email: lucinda@i-ally.com.
