Happiness and Joy During Turbulent Times: Dr Kiki Ramsey On How To Live With Joie De Vivre, Even When It Feels Like The Whole World Is Pulling You Down
An Interview With Jake Frankel
You should chase purpose and not success. You must realize that when you focus on purpose, success will follow. I help many women discover their purpose, and when they do, they ultimately find success. I was coaching a client who was successful as a pharmaceutical sales rep, but she wasn’t passionate about it. During one of our sessions, I started asking her my purpose and passion-driven questions. From that session, we talked about what she was truly passionate about. She realized she was passionate about psychology and helping people in organizations. I introduced her to a business psychology PhD program. Long story short. We actually ended up entering the program together and graduating together with our PhDs. She now runs a very successful consulting firm that helps organizations boost their employee engagement.
It sometimes feels like it is so hard to avoid feeling down or depressed these days. Between the sad news coming from world headlines, the impact of the ongoing raging pandemic, and the constant negative messages popping up on social and traditional media, it sometimes feels like the entire world is pulling you down. What do you do to feel happiness and joy during these troubled and turbulent times? In this interview series called “Finding Happiness and Joy During Turbulent Times” we are talking to experts, authors, and mental health professionals who share lessons from their research or experience about “How To Find Happiness and Joy During Troubled & Turbulent Times”.
As a part of this series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Kiki Ramsey.
Dr. Kiki Ramsey is a leading Positive Psychologist, ICF Master Certified Executive Leadership Coach, and founder of the Positive Psychology Coaching and Diversity Institute (PPCaDI), specializing in diversity and leadership coaching and training. She leverages her expertise in business, DEI, and positive psychology to help leaders and organizations create inclusive, happy work cultures that foster belonging. Additionally, Dr. Kiki is a Positive Psychology and Coaching professor at Life University.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive into the main focus of our interview, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
I had a rough upbringing, having been born and raised in the South Carolina projects. My mother was addicted to crack cocaine. Growing up like this wasn’t easy, and I eventually became a teenage mother. From the outside looking in, things may have seemed bleak. But for some reason, I knew there was a bigger purpose for my life.
What or who inspired you to pursue your career? We’d love to hear the story.
Believe it or not, my mother was the inspiration for my career. I spent many years trying to help her get off of drugs and become her best self. Me helping her and loving her, gave me the love to want to help other women with similar struggles. We had a lot of successes and failures along the way but it taught both of us how to be more resilient. It taught me that no one was beyond repair and all of us face difficult times and need a helping hand.
None of us can achieve success without some help along the way. Was there a particular person who you feel gave you the most help or encouragement to be who you are today? Can you share a story about that?
My mom. Even though I was helping her through her addiction, she always told me that I could be anything I wanted to be. The other major person that encouraged me along the way was my Godmother Brenda Guy. Even when I got pregnant at 16 years old, she believed I could still go to college. She was the one who introduced me to Berea College, her alma mater. I received a 4-year tuition-free scholarship, and I was able to take my son Tomazye’ with me to college who was three years old at the time. Having someone believe that you can go to college as a teenage mother is huge! I also had a few teachers that believed in me and encouraged me along the way.
Can you share the funniest or most interesting mistake that occurred to you in the course of your career? What lesson or take away did you learn from that?
Early on in my career, I struggled to find my voice and the specific thing I would help women with. I had always been stylish and one day, someone suggested that I help other women develop their style. Instead of me staying true to myself because I knew I didn’t really want to help others with their style, I went with it and created The Stars Program. It was a program where I guaranteed women that I would make them look like a star. I cringe even talking about it. It spent a lot of time and money on making this direction work, but it never did. Partly because my heart wasn’t in it. Needless to say, it never worked, and I vowed to only put my time, energy and money into those things I am passionate about.
What are some of the most interesting or exciting projects you are working on now? How do you think that might help people?
I just recently launched Thrive Society. It’s my coaching and membership community for people who are looking to create their own happiness and thrive in their lives and careers. Thrive is the kind of supportive network I always needed and wanted to provide for others. I come in contact with so many amazing women who need support along their paths but have nowhere to get it. I also noticed that as my speaking career has grown, I have less time to coach women. So, Thrive Society is the only place you can get personal coaching from me. Women who have joined Thrive Society report that they have advancements in their careers, better work-life harmony, less stress, and more overall personal growth.
You are a successful leader. Which three-character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Zest, social intelligence, and spirituality are my three biggest character traits that have helped me succeed. When it comes to zest, I have always had this energy about myself and a love for life. Early on in my business, people would tell me that my excitement was just too much. Once someone told me I was too loud and that I needed to tone my personality down a bit to be more effective. That statement really bothered me but because I wanted to be effective at helping more women, I went about trying to tone my personality down. This is when I started to die a slow death. Every day felt difficult because I wasn’t being true to myself. But as I continued to work on myself, my confidence grew and one day I decided that I had had enough of trying to be someone I wasn’t. If people didn’t like me for who I was then they are not my people anyway. This was such a freeing time in my life because I gave myself permission to show up and just be Kiki. And guess what? Ultimately the world loved the real me.
I am so in tune with and aware of other people’s feelings. It truly is one of my superpowers. I can sense when something is wrong, and I can sense what makes people tik. I believe this is why I am able to speak to the hearts of so many women because I understand them. This has come in handy as an executive coach as I’m able to connect with my clients on a personal level. I see their strengths and vulnerabilities in a way that most people don’t get the pleasure of doing. These relationships are precious to me and I use them as an opportunity to help my clients see the best in themselves despite their challenges and what they might be going through.
My spirituality has been the anchor of my life. I honestly wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for my belief in Jesus and the fact that I felt from a very young age that there was a bigger purpose for my life. My goal in life, anytime I speak in front of a crowd or I’m coaching or pouring into others, is that the audience sees God through me and that they too know that there is a higher purpose for their lives as well. I always pray that God uses me as a beacon of motivation and solace for those who need it.
For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly let us know why you are an authority about the topic of finding joy?
Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been on a mission to find happiness and joy. This journey has driven my work as a positive psychologist and executive coach. My deep understanding of positive psychology, paired with my experience coaching high-achieving professionals, has given me valuable insights into what truly creates lasting joy and fulfillment. I’m passionate about helping others unlock their full potential and discover their own paths to happiness because I believe happiness is a personal choice for us all. Through my work, I’ve seen firsthand how powerful these strategies can be in transforming lives and careers, and that’s why I’m dedicated to spreading the message that we can all create our own happiness, therefore making me the authority on finding joy.
Ok, thank you for all of that. Let’s now shift to the main focus of our interview about finding joy. Even before the pandemic hit, the United States was ranked at #19 in the World Happiness Report. Can you share a few reasons why you think the ranking is so low, despite all of the privileges and opportunities that we have in the US?
It’s sad to see that the US ranks so low on this report, but I think there are several reasons for this. One reason could be the constant pressure to achieve and succeed, which often leads to stress and burnout. So many people are caught up in the hustle and bustle that they miss out on the simple joys of life.
Another reason is our feeling of isolation. Despite the fact that we are more connected through technology, real, meaningful connections can be hard to come by. The pandemic only intensified this, leaving many people feeling lonely and lacking a solid support network, which is crucial for our well-being.
Then there’s the comparison trap. I personally fell prey to this one early on in my career. It’s easy to get caught up in comparing our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel, which can really impact our sense of happiness and fulfillment.
These are just a few reasons why our ranking might be lower than expected, even with all the privileges we enjoy.
What are the main myths or misconceptions you’d like to dispel about finding joy and happiness? Can you please share some stories or examples?
Absolutely! There are several common myths about finding joy and happiness that I’d like to clear up. One major misconception is that your happiness is someone else’s responsibility. In reality, your happiness is entirely your own responsibility. For instance, I used to blame my mother for every wrong thing that happened in my life. She could have been a thousand miles away, and somehow, I found a way to blame her for my mishaps. I thought that because she caused me so much pain in the past, I got to blame her for everything that happened in my future. I was wrong, and it wasn’t until a friend pointed out my actions that I realized something had to change if I ever wanted the future, I knew I was capable of having.
Another myth is that happiness is not a choice. The truth is, that happiness is indeed a choice, and you get to decide how you approach each day. I recall a time early in my career when I felt stuck and overwhelmed. I felt like I wasn’t making a difference in the lives of women like I should have been making. It was a difficult time for me. But by consciously choosing to focus on the positive aspects of my life and career, I noticed a significant improvement in my daily experiences. I realized during those times that choosing to embrace gratitude and positivity can profoundly impact your happiness.
A third myth is that you need to have everything figured out to be happy. Many people believe that happiness will come only after reaching certain milestones or achieving a perfect life. Newsflash, true joy can be found even when life isn’t perfect because perfect doesn’t exist. I once worked with a client who felt she needed her career completely mapped out before she could be happy. She struggled with the concept that things didn’t have to be perfect for her to be happy. But we worked on this belief, and slowly she started appreciating her current achievements and finding joy in the present. She eventually realized that happiness doesn’t have to depend on future success.
Lastly, there’s the belief that happiness comes solely from external achievements. It’s easy for us to think that a new job, promotion, or big purchase will bring lasting happiness, but true joy often comes from internal factors like self-acceptance and meaningful connections. I had to learn this the hard way throughout my life. I’ve also seen clients who achieved their dream jobs but still felt unfulfilled until they worked on their internal mindset and relationships. I often say success is a mindset and happiness is a choice. These clients discovered that lasting happiness is more about how you feel about yourself and your life, rather than just external accomplishments. These are a few myths I needed to clear.
In a related, but slightly different question, what are the main mistakes you have seen people make when they try to find happiness? Can you please share some stories or examples?
One major mistake people often make when trying to find happiness is putting too much emphasis on external achievements. Many people believe that reaching certain milestones, like landing a big job or buying a luxury car or house, will bring lasting joy. As I mentioned, I fell prey to this one early on in my career. I couldn’t wait to get the big house and nice car. Once I got these things, it would signify that I made it, and my life would be complete. But this didn’t happen. Once I got those things, I was happy for a moment and then I started pursuing the next goal shortly after the new effect wore off. This happened to us all. It’s called the Hedonic Treadmill, which is the concept that people’s levels of happiness tend to return to a baseline level, regardless of positive or negative life events. I had to learn that my happiness was based on internal gains and not external factors.
Another common mistake is waiting for the “perfect” moment to be happy. Some people think that happiness will come once they have everything perfectly in place — whether it’s their career, finances, or personal life. My family lived in Maryland for years, but we always knew we wanted to move back to Georgia to live permanently. For years I needed a new pot and pan set but refused to buy a new set until I moved to Georgia into a new house. Years went by and at the 10-year mark, I realized how ridiculous I was being, and I bought a new set. It was a great day, and it symbolized a new beginning for me. However, I was sad that it took me so long to realize that I needed to live my life and not wait for the perfect moment.
People also often make the mistake of comparing their lives to others. With social media showcasing everyone’s highlight reels, it’s easy to feel like you’re not measuring up. I’ve had clients who felt demoralized after scrolling through social media and seeing others’ seemingly perfect lives. It’s important to remember that social media often only shows the highlights, not the full picture. Focusing on your own journey and celebrating your unique progress can lead to more genuine happiness.
Lastly, another mistake is neglecting self-care. I am the biggest proponent of self-care. People sometimes get so caught up in their responsibilities and busy schedules that they forget to take care of themselves. I had a client who was constantly overwhelmed by work and family obligations, leaving little time for self-care. As a result, she felt drained and unhappy. Once she began incorporating small self-care practices into her routine, like taking breaks and engaging in hobbies she loved, she noticed a significant improvement in her overall happiness and well-being. I try to get all my clients to take at least one mental health day off a month. It gives them time to decompress and clear their mind, which is so needed in today fast paced world.
Fantastic. Here is the main question of our discussion. Can you please share with our readers your “5 things you need to live with more Joie De Vivre, more joy and happiness in life, particularly during turbulent times?” (Please share a story or an example for each.)
I love this question. Here are a couple of ways to live with more joie de vivre, joy, and happiness, especially during turbulent times. First, you should chase purpose and not success. You must realize that when you focus on purpose, success will follow. I help many women discover their purpose, and when they do, they ultimately find success. I was coaching a client who was successful as a pharmaceutical sales rep, but she wasn’t passionate about it. During one of our sessions, I started asking her my purpose and passion-driven questions. From that session, we talked about what she was truly passionate about. She realized she was passionate about psychology and helping people in organizations. I introduced her to a business psychology PhD program. Long story short. We actually ended up entering the program together and graduating together with our PhDs. She now runs a very successful consulting firm that helps organizations boost their employee engagement.
Secondly, we must embrace gratitude. This simple practice can make a huge difference. For example, one of my clients was struggling with a difficult job situation but started keeping a gratitude journal. She would write three things she was thankful for each day. In positive psychology we call the Three Good Things exercise. This small practice every day literally shifted her focus to the positives in her life, which boosted her overall well-being.
Third, we must cultivate resilience. Resilience is crucial for bouncing back from setbacks. I had a client who faced significant career setbacks. She was let go from the job she had been at for 10 years. This devastated her. She was sad, angry and needed to grieve this terrible loss. But through our coaching she built her resilience by setting small goals and seeking support. This helped her bounce back and find new and better opportunities that she was truly passionate about and this reinforced her joy and accomplishment.
The fourth thing I would say is we must prioritize meaningful connections. As humans, we need connections to survive. I would even go as far as to say we need meaningful connections to thrive. After moving to a new city and feeling isolated, another client connected with people by joining her local church and volunteering. She was a little hesitant to volunteer at first but the new relationships she built gave her a supportive community and significantly boosted her happiness.
Lastly, we must practice self-care. I am going to sound like a broken record, but practicing self-care is one of the most important tools that you will ever need in your life. As a person who is no stranger to the hustle and bustle of everyday life, balancing the roles of being a wife, mom, and CEO can be overwhelming. Taking time for yourself is essential. Self-care isn’t just a luxury, (although there isn’t anything wrong with a good spa day here and there), it’s a crucial tool for maintaining your well-being and joy in the midst of life’s challenging times.
What can concern friends, colleagues, and life partners do to effectively help support someone they care about who is feeling down or depressed?
Supporting someone who is feeling down or depressed can be challenging, but the fact that you care and are making an effort to help them can make a world of difference in their life. One of the most important things you can do is listen actively. I mean you must create a safe, non-judgmental space where they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. Simply being there to listen, without immediately offering solutions or advice unless asked, can be incredibly valuable. Additionally, offering practical help can alleviate some of their stress. You can volunteer to do tasks like running errands or preparing meals. These things may seem small to you but can make a big impact for them.
Another thing you can do is encourage them to seek professional help. Over the past couple of years more people are open to getting professional help. You can gently suggest that they consider talking to a therapist or counselor and you can offer to help with finding resources or setting up appointments if they’re open to it. You can also suggest they talk to a coach, which may seem less intimidating and stigmatizing. It’s important to approach this suggestion with empathy and avoid putting pressure on them. Being patient and understanding is key, as recovery from depression can be slow with ups and downs. Your consistent support and patience can help them feel more secure.
Educating yourself about depression and mental health can also enhance your ability to offer effective support. Understanding their experience helps you provide informed and compassionate assistance. Encourage them to engage in healthy habits like exercise, a balanced diet, and good sleep, but be mindful of their readiness and comfort level. Inviting them to join you in these activities can be beneficial but should be done gently.
It’s great to maintain open communication by checking in regularly, whether through a brief text message or call. Let them know you’re thinking of them and are available to talk or spend time together. Consistent communication can help them feel less alone. However, be careful not to overwhelm them with too much advice or pressure; respect their space and let them guide the level of support they need.
Lastly, remember to take care of yourself as well. Supporting someone with depression can be emotionally taxing, so it’s important to seek your own support or practice self-care to maintain your own mental health while being there for your loved one. By following these steps, you can offer meaningful support and help them feel less alone during their difficult time.
Ok, we are nearly done. You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good for the greatest number of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger.
The Happiness Revolution: This movement would aim to integrate the pursuit of happiness with the principles of thriving in all areas of life. The focus would be on helping individuals cultivate a thriving mindset and adopt practices that enhance their overall happiness and well-being.
The revolution would offer a range of resources and activities, including interactive workshops, online courses, and community events, centered around strategies for boosting happiness and thriving. Key elements would include teaching practical techniques for positive thinking, stress management, and personal growth, alongside fostering environments that encourage people to set and achieve their own happiness goals.
This initiative would also emphasize the importance of creating and maintaining positive relationships, finding meaning in everyday activities, and celebrating successes, both big and small. By equipping people with the tools and support they need to thrive and prioritize their happiness, the movement could help transform lives and build a more joyful, connected, and resilient society.
We are very blessed that some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we both tag them 😊
I would love to sit down with Oprah Winfrey. She’s an incredible source of inspiration and has impacted so many lives through her work and personal philosophy. Her ability to connect with people on a deep level and her dedication to spreading positivity and empowerment align perfectly with the values I champion. I’d be thrilled to discuss how we can further promote joy, purpose, and resilience in our lives and communities. Plus, Oprah’s insights and experiences would offer invaluable perspectives on making a difference in the world. If she sees this and is open to it, I’d be honored to share a meal and explore these ideas together!
Plus, my ultimate dream is the have my own syndicated talk show. I want The Dr. Kiki Ramsey Show, which is currently a podcast, to be viewed by millions. It would be a mix between The Dr. Phil Show and The Tameron Hall Show, just with the Dr. Kiki flare. I believe I could learn so much from her in this aspect, and who knows, one day, that dream just might come true.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
You can follow my work online at my website: https://www.kikiramsey.com/
Social media: Instagram — Facebook — Linkedin
Thank you for these really excellent insights, and we greatly appreciate the time you spent with this. We wish you continued success and good health!
