Healing from Toxic Relationships: Dr Brian Tierney On How To Survive And Thrive After Psychological Abuse
An Interview With Wanda Malhotra
Lack of self-esteem can keep a person in an abusive relationship. Once they leave the relationship, it can be a long road to recovery. There are people who have stayed in abusive relationships for decades because they are afraid that they are not good enough to deserve anything else.
Psychological abuse can leave deep and lasting scars, affecting all aspects of a person’s life. Healing from such toxic relationships requires resilience, support, and effective strategies. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Dr. Brian Tierney, Ph.D., The Somatic Doctor.
Dr. Brian Tierney, Ph.D., is known as The Somatic Doctor for his extensive training in somatic psychology and multidisciplinary research. A neuroscience professor and private practice psychotherapist, Dr. Brian Tierney brings an innovative approach to therapy calling upon years of training in dance, yoga, massage, and even clowning. Dr. Brian Tierney is the host of the Boundless Body podcast, exploring diverse topics in psychology and healing and is writing a book “Visionary Somatics” discussing his research-backed integrative approach to somatic psychology. https://somaticdoctor.com/
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?
I grew up in the Midwest and came to California after finishing my business degree. My first job was marketing director for an interdisciplinary massage therapy institute and I quickly fell in love with the multi-modal approach to health and healing. For many years I taught anatomy and clinical skills to trauma resolution practitioners worldwide before, ultimately, pursuing my doctorate with a concentration on somatic psychology.
Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?
I lived in New Zealand for three years working at an integrative health clinic with a focus on treating cancer. The clinic was owned and operated by Maori women, serving the Maori population. During my time at this clinic I worked with an 82-year-old man twice a week for three years. Several weeks went by when I did not see him. When he returned, he relaxed on my massage table, entered a very peaceful state and passed away quietly. After he passed, the whole community was invited into my treatment room and they performed a meaningful Maori traditional ceremony to celebrate the man’s life. During the ceremony, I was publicly honored and the family shared that the man had been asking for me several days before his death, almost as if some part of him knew that he wanted to have his final moments at the clinic with me.
That moment at the clinic was one of the most significant moments of my life. I was honored to be a helper to this man and the community. I am proud to share in the full range of experiences with the people who put their trust in me.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Passion: My passion has helped me to regularly exceed expectations. When I was pursuing my doctorate, I delighted in the opportunity to delve into all the knowledge, not just the assigned readings. I read every paragraph that was assigned and managed to insert my own interests into the process, bringing unusual ideas and strong feelings to my learnings.
Perseverance: I went through a very low time in my mid-twenties and experienced a deep depression that brought me to the brink of suicide. It wasn’t easy but my perseverance pulled me out of the pit of despair.
A sense of humor: I believe humor is one of the most important character traits for a therapist or teacher. Psychology can be very heavy and I have a knack for making people laugh, even if they are talking about heavy and gruesome topics.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?
I am finalizing my passion project, a book titled “Visionary Somatics.” The book will bring trauma resolution science and philosophy to the next level. I am also starting an online school that will be a way for the public to have access to my work outside of the university setting.
What are the common signs of emotional, financial, and/or psychological abuse in various types of relationships (e.g., romantic, familial, professional)? How can individuals recognize and address these forms of abuse effectively?
Emotional abuse often involves toxic shame that makes the abused feel horrible about themselves. It can occur across a wide continuum from multi day silent treatment marathons where nothing is said at all, to obviously corrosive vitriol being spouted out by the abuser in bouts of rage. What can be recognized is the impact — consistent feelings of shame, blame, fear, hopelessness, and anger in the abused because their personhood is constantly being thwarted by the abuser. The other important aspect of emotional abuse is the double bind — feeling “damned if you do and damned if you don’t.” People subject to emotional abuse often feel like there is no way to win. This is the intention of the abuser as they will often blame the loss on the abused.
Double binds are common in families, where the conundrum of “do what I say, not what I do” is often expressed. Little and large hypocrisies dwell in the home and subtle forms of abuse arise from these caregivers who impose lose-lose situations on children while also expecting them to do what they themselves do not do, such as regulate their emotions.
Romantic relationships carry the common continuum from punishment through withdrawal (or compulsive stinginess) to punishment through excoriation, judgment, and relentless meanness.
Professional abuse can have close parallels to both romantic and familial forms of abuse because all abuse involves the unhealthy leveraging of power. It is often those with the upper hand in the “power grid” of relations who bring their poison-tipped darts to the dance. People in power at work, for example, can act in such a way that the abused enters a state of freeze in their nervous system as though a predator was after them in the wilderness. When a person is in a freeze response they simply cannot protest because their neurology can’t move much to do so.
Addressing these forms of abuse takes courage. Courage is hands down the most important quality needed to break the cycle. One must first have awareness that something is wrong, however, as well as a baseline of self-worth so that they can mobilize their protest and deliver it with courage.
Before challenging an abuser, it’s important to get support to help consolidate one’s sense of self, mobilize courage, and get the ball rolling towards a conversation that needs to happen. Most of the time direct approaches are indicated, but there are some exceptions if there is any possibility that a person thinks they might be dealing with someone who might flip into physically threatening forms of abuse.
How can someone begin the healing process after leaving a toxic relationship? Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Heal After A Toxic Relationship”?
1 . Self-Esteem
Lack of self-esteem can keep a person in an abusive relationship. Once they leave the relationship, it can be a long road to recovery. There are people who have stayed in abusive relationships for decades because they are afraid that they are not good enough to deserve anything else.
2 . Sense of Self
Co-dependence is a popular word. It indicates a loss of a sense of self in an unhealthy merger with someone else. An emotionally abused person, for example, lives by the judgements of their abusers: they have not established themselves at the center of their own solar system.
3 . Sense of Power
The abused often feels numb, frozen, stuck, and incompetent. This is an ideal place for the emotional abuser to have them because they can continue to be a power parasite.
4 . Sense of Sanity
Abused people need reality testing in relationships with loving, kind people. Reality gets distorted in abusive relationships in such a way that it becomes a room filled with broken mirrors.
5 . Sense of Safety
It’s all about safety. Sometimes feeling unsafe becomes so familiar that adjusting to a newly established safe environment can feel uncomfortable. Sometimes there may be an impulse to sabotage friendships or safe environments unintentionally, like being overly submissive, anxious or picking fights.
Following financial abuse, what actionable strategies can individuals employ to rebuild their lives and achieve financial independence? What resources are instrumental in this process?
Rebuilding one’s life and achieving financial independence after financial abuse involves several key strategies and utilizing various resources. First, assessing the damage by evaluating financial documents and credit reports is crucial. Creating a financial plan including budgeting, debt management, and savings is essential. Securing financial accounts by updating passwords and possibly opening new accounts can prevent further abuse. Seeking legal and financial advice from attorneys and certified financial planners helps navigate legal options and to develop recovery plans. Building credit through secured credit cards and credit builder loans, along with emotional support from therapy and support groups, is also vital. Utilizing financial assistance programs like government aid, nonprofit organizations, and educational resources such as financial literacy programs and budgeting apps can provide much-needed support. Legal aid services, employment and career development programs, and reputable credit repair services also play a significant role in this process.
For those impacted by multiple forms of abuse, what comprehensive strategies and support systems are most effective in facilitating their healing journey?
To rebuild self-esteem, individuals can benefit from therapy focused on self-worth and affirming their value outside the abusive relationship. Restoring a sense of self involves rediscovering personal interests and boundaries through counseling and activities that promote independence, boundary formation (saying no), and self-discovery. Regaining a sense of power can be achieved by setting small, achievable goals and gradually taking control of aspects of their life, supported by empowerment programs, coaching, and physical strength training.
To restore a sense of sanity, engaging in relationships and new hobbies with supportive and kind people helps to correct distorted perceptions and get abused folks interested in more collaborative and feel-good activities. Finally, establishing a sense of safety is crucial; this can be facilitated through creating secure environments, possibly with the help of support groups, time in nature, safety planning, and learning to trust and feel comfortable in non-threatening situations. Together, these strategies and support systems provide a holistic approach to recovery and empowerment.
What strategies can survivors use to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence?
Establishing and following through on achievable goals is key. Some of these goals should be about establishing connections with people who hold up a kind and respectful mirror instead of a broken one. Paradoxically, self esteem does often begin from the outside, this is why it can be so undermined by toxic abusers. This is why loving friendships are so crucial to healing self-esteem.
How can friends and family best support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse?
Patience and loving kindness are the way. It is often better to lean back from any urge to rescue or micromanage so that an abused person can feel like they have someone to lean on, but not someone that is intruding on their autonomy. Lead by example, not by instruction and offer plenty of opportunities to get fresh air, good food, and adequate movement and rest. These basics can go a long way.
What role does therapy play in recovering from psychological abuse, and how can one find the right therapist? Additionally, what tips do you have for overcoming common barriers to accessing therapy?
Having a skilled practitioner is often essential in abuse because trauma is a common downstream effect. Trauma has a way of being contagious and if a person is not professionally trained to help a person out of it, the unprocessed trauma can run amok and trigger otherwise well-meaning people into re-enacting a part of the abuse cycle.
Finding the right therapist can take time. Give yourself permission to shop around until you find the right fit. If cost is a concern, consider community mental health resources where a skillful therapist-in-training, though less experienced, has all the tools they need to help.
Could you name a few organizations or professionals that provide crucial support for individuals seeking to restart their lives after experiencing abuse, particularly when they have dependents relying on them?
National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH): Provides crisis intervention, safety planning, and resources to abused people and their dependents.
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): Provides support for survivors of sexual violence through crisis intervention, advocacy, and counseling services. Website: rainn.org Phone: 1–800–656-HOPE (4673)
Legal Aid Societies: Offer free or low-cost legal services to survivors of abuse, helping with issues such as restraining orders, custody battles, and housing rights. Website: lsc.gov
YWCA (Young Women’s Christian Association): Provides comprehensive support services, including emergency shelters, counseling, and childcare
You are a person of enormous influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
Book a consultation or sign up for my courses at https://somaticdoctor.com/. Follow along on Instagram @thesomaticdoctor or listen to my podcast, Boundless Body, on YouTube or on your favorite podcast app.
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com .
