Healing from Toxic Relationships: Sex and Relationship Coach Leah Carey On How To Survive And Thrive After Psychological Abuse

An Interview With Wanda Malhotra

Don’t get into a new relationship for a while — It takes time to find your center again after a really stressful relationship. Jumping right into another relationship can short circuit that process because you’ll start trying to fit yourself into the new relationship, rather than finding your own self.

Psychological abuse can leave deep and lasting scars, affecting all aspects of a person’s life. Healing from such toxic relationships requires resilience, support, and effective strategies. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Leah Carey.

Leah Carey is a Sex and Relationship Coach and host of the podcast Good Girls Talk About Sex. In a world filled with confusing and contradictory messages about sex, Leah helps sex make sense. In private coaching with individuals and couples, group workshops and online classes, she helps clients identify their truest desires, and then act on them. The result is happier, more fulfilling relationships and sexual experiences. Leah is gender affirming and she is queer, kinky, and non-monogamy positive.

Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?

My childhood probably looked idyllic from the outside — an only child with two very involved parents who were well-respected in the community. But behind closed doors, it was a different story. My father was an abusive alcoholic who started telling me, when I hit puberty, that I was getting fat and ugly and nobody would ever be attracted to me. Meanwhile, he also told me I should be locked in my room until I was 30 so no boys could look at me, and he’d break the kneecaps of any boy who did.

It was so confusing that I did the only thing that made sense to me: I shut down any hint of my own femininity or sexuality. I wore baggy clothing, remained mute around people I was interested in, and put all of my energy into being a straight-A student.

But there was a huge part of me that craved connection, intimacy, and human touch. So I occasionally accepted the attention of men who echoed my father’s sentiments: through their words and actions, they told me that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, or acceptable in other ways.

My father died when I was 26, but his voice was so deeply rooted in my mind it was like I was brainwashed: for another 15-plus years, I kept telling myself the same thing, even though he was no longer there.

When my beloved mother died, I was in my early 40s. As devastated as I was, it removed my final point of allegiance to the old story of me as the “good girl” who never colored outside the lines. Mom also left me enough money to take some time off.

At 43 years old, I got rid of most of my things, put the important things in storage, and took off for an extended solo road trip around the country. To my surprise, that year turned into a profound journey of sexual and body image healing. Not only does that journey continue to this day (and I expect it will for the rest of my life), but I now have the pleasure and honor of accompanying others on their journeys to sexual healing as a coach.

Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?

My first experience of “coloring outside the lines” was visiting a sexual healer near the beginning of my road trip. I told her that I thought I was broken because I didn’t have sexual sensation. I could feel when people touched me normally, but as soon as the touch turned intimate, I became numb.

At the end of our three-hour session, she said the four words that changed everything: “You are not broken.”

I’ve since learned that the loss of sensation wasn’t physical, but the result of severe dissociation. As a child, nothing in my world felt safe — especially any hint of sexuality. So as soon as the atmosphere turned sexual, I left my body.

I also learned that there were types of intimate touch I could feel, but I thought I was wrong for wanting it. If somebody gave me the type of aggressive, grabby touch I usually experienced, I thought I was supposed to just lay back and accept it. The fact that I craved feather-light touch made me think I was selfish and hard to please.

After working with hundreds of people as a coach, I can confidently say these two things are true:

1. You aren’t doomed to disappointing (or painful) sex for the rest of your life. It is possible to have a healthy relationship, even if you don’t have one right now. It will require some learning and work on your part, but if you’re working with a supportive person a lot of that work can be fun! ;-) Please be sure to choose a therapist or coach who is explicitly sex-positive — many providers haven’t worked through their own shame and trauma around sex, and that can be unintentionally passed on to you.
2. If you believe you’re supposed to lay back and accept whatever somebody else gives you, but you’re not feeling pleasure from it, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It may be that the type of touch you’re getting doesn’t match the type of touch your body enjoys.

You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?

Courage — When I told people that I was on a journey of sexual healing, the response was almost universal: “You’re so brave! I wish I could do that!”

I didn’t feel brave — most of the time I was scared out of my mind. But as I was constantly reminded, feeling the fear and doing it anyway is a sign of bravery.

I had lived inside a very rigid box for four decades. It took a lot of courage to finally say, “I want more, and I’m going to have to do something very different in order to get it.”

I did a long series of different things to find a new life: I left behind my home and a familiar life; I booked a session with a sexual healer; I spent a year pursuing experiences that I’d never imagined were possible.

Curiosity — If I’d known in advance that my road trip was going to turn into a sexual healing journey, I would have assumed that I’d fail. I wouldn’t even have tried.

However, I am blessed with a curious mind. Once that first healer told me that I wasn’t broken and gave me permission to explore, I became a heat-seeking agent for new experiences.

Perseverance — There were lots of times when I set something up for myself to do, but I was too scared to follow through when the moment came. However, I kept at it — I’d try again and again until I was able to push through the fear.

I experienced deep vulnerability hangovers after each brave new experience. There were times I’d lay in bed and cry for days after I did something brave, and once again wonder if I was actually broken. But I was working with a wonderful coach at the time, who reminded me repeatedly that after a time of big expansion, it was normal to have a period of contraction. These reminders helped me keep moving forward to pursue what I truly desire: sexual freedom.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?

I have a podcast called Good Girls Talk About Sex, where I talk with other women about their sex lives. They are the types of conversations I wish I had access to when I was a young woman. I hope it will help others break free of their own sexual shame earlier than I did.

I am also several years into writing a memoir about my sexual healing. While I don’t expect anyone else to take the same route I did, I hope it will help others to find their own path to healing the shame and repression that so many of us live with.

Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of our interview. Let’s start with a simple definition so that we are all on the same page. How would you define a Toxic Relationship?

A toxic relationship is one where you feel less than whole. If you feel less smart, less attractive, or more broken when you are with this person, that relationship is toxic. It’s especially insidious when you take their words so seriously that you stop questioning whether they are true.

It’s also important to clarify that it doesn’t always require a toxic person to create a toxic relationship. A few years ago, I dated a woman whose general manner and attitude left me questioning myself and my choices endlessly. In response, I became snippy and resentful. Separately, we are each good and kind people, but together we were like Coke and Mentos — explosive.

This is why my first question to anyone questioning whether their relationship is worth saving is, “Do you like the person you show up as in this relationship?” If yes, there’s a good chance it’s worth saving. If no, it’s probably time to go.

What are the common signs of emotional, financial, and/or psychological abuse in various types of relationships (e.g., romantic, familial, professional)? How can individuals recognize and address these forms of abuse effectively?

One of the most confusing aspects of abusive relationships is that they’re not abusive 100% of the time. If they were, it might be easier to leave!

Think of it like a slot machine at a casino. You allot yourself $10 of quarters to play. If you put in one quarter at a time and never got anything back, it would be easy to recognize that this is a losing proposition and walk away. Instead, the machine is programmed to pay out $2 here, $20 there. It keeps you coming back in hopes of winning the $1 million prize. When you check your pockets a few hours later, you’ve spent not only your $10 of quarters but an additional $100.

It’s called breadcrumbing — things may be bad 75% of the time, but the other 25%, they sprinkle in enough good to make you question yourself: maybe they’re not as bad as I thought; if I’m just a little better, they’ll be nicer to me more often. This hook keeps you coming back.

How can someone begin the healing process after leaving a toxic relationship? Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Heal After A Toxic Relationship”?

1. People who love you — Doing this on your own can feel almost impossible. That’s why a common tactic among abusers is to isolate you from those who love you. It’s extra scary to leave because they’ve created a world where they’re the only one you can lean on. But the truth is that many of the people you cut out are probably wondering why you disappeared and/or they’re concerned about you.
2. Reach out to a couple of people who you think will be understanding and supportive. Explain that you’ve left the relationship and realized that you cut people out of your life. Apologize for any concern or hurt you may have caused them and invite them back into your life. There may be people who feel especially hurt by your disappearance, and you’ll need to accept it if they say no. But you’re likely to end up with a few close people who want to support you through the transition.
3. Understand that healing isn’t a straight line — Leaving was hard, but it’s only the beginning of your journey. There will be days when you’re grateful for this new life and see only bright skies ahead; there will be days when you grieve the familiarity of the old relationship and want to go back. Both of these are normal. Have grace for yourself as you go through the expansion and contraction process.
4. It’s okay to have vices — You don’t have to be perfect in order to prove that you’re worthy of being out of the relationship. Feel the need to have sex with a bunch of people to prove to yourself that you’re still desirable? Perfectly fine (as long as you practice safer sex!) Need a few months to sit on the couch bingeing Friends with ice cream straight out of the carton? That’s okay too. In fact, it can be good! It’s one way your nervous system can begin to regulate itself. If you find yourself saying, “I don’t want to, but I just need to push through it and get to the other side,” you’re probably moving faster than your nervous system is ready for.
5. Don’t get into a new relationship for a while — It takes time to find your center again after a really stressful relationship. Jumping right into another relationship can short circuit that process because you’ll start trying to fit yourself into the new relationship, rather than finding your own self.
6. Get physical touch — Just because you’re not getting into a new relationship doesn’t mean you can’t receive physical touch. In fact, physical touch can be crucial as you heal because it can help strengthen and develop neural pathways in your brain! Massage or professional cuddling are excellent options for those who have the means. If you live in a metropolitan area, you may be able to find cuddle parties. Asking a close friend to watch TV and cuddle on the couch is fantastic. There’s also nothing wrong with having casual sex to get your touch needs met — as long as you practice safer sex and are upfront with your sexual partners about your intentions.

Following financial abuse, what actionable strategies can individuals employ to rebuild their lives and achieve financial independence? What resources are instrumental in this process?

This is outside the realm of my expertise, but I appreciate the commentary and strategies provided by Chelsea Fagan of The Financial Diet: https://www.youtube.com/@thefinancialdiet

For those impacted by multiple forms of abuse, what comprehensive strategies and support systems are most effective in facilitating their healing journey?

One of the most debilitating parts of surviving abuse is that it causes you to question yourself: Am I really the bad person they said I am? Were they right that nobody else likes me?

This type of trauma is best addressed with a therapist who has specialized trauma training.

If you don’t have access to therapy, there are some excellent YouTube channels you can access for free. These aren’t a substitute for therapy, but they can help bridge the gap.

• Dr. Ramani — https://www.youtube.com/user/DoctorRamanDurvasula (Her niche is narcissistic abuse, but her advice can be useful for any type of abusive relationship)
• Mickey Atkins — https://www.youtube.com/@MickeyAtkins (Especially good for people who need fat-positive messaging and for those who like to learn through pop culture examples)
• Kati Morton — https://www.youtube.com/@Katimorton (Her focus is wider, so you may find support in various areas)
• Therapy in a Nutshell — https://www.youtube.com/@TherapyinaNutshell (A long-time channel with almost 2 million subscribers)
• Healthy Gamer GG — https://www.youtube.com/@HealthyGamerGG (If you want to get into the nitty-gritty of why your brain works the way it does, this may be your guy; he focuses on the gamer community, but his content is accessible for non-gamers;)

What strategies can survivors use to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence?

There are some basic skills for healthy relationships that most of us never learned, including creating and maintaining healthy boundaries, consent (it’s more than just “not saying no”), and understanding trauma responses and how they show up in your everyday life.

Learning about these topics can make a world of difference in how you see yourself, the way you show up in the world, and the treatment you are willing to accept from others.

How can friends and family best support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse?

When your loved one tells you what they need, believe them! Don’t try to second-guess them, and don’t push them into what you would want in that situation.

Too often, we give advice or help based on our own preferences. But every person has different needs! Perhaps you like to have lots of distractions when you’re grieving, while your friend prefers quiet and calm. Pushing them to heal the same way you do is not only unhelpful; it might push them into a deeper state of nervous system activation.

What role does therapy play in recovering from psychological abuse, and how can one find the right therapist? Additionally, what tips do you have for overcoming common barriers to accessing therapy?

Finding the right therapist is key, but it can be a challenging process, and unfortunately, we’re often trying to do it when we have the least internal resources. This is a place where friends can be helpful.

First, focus on your specific needs: what insurance they accept; whether they have a trauma specialty; whether they’re affirmative of your identity and relationship preferences (queer, trans, non-monogamous, etc.); and whether there’s a particular modality you’d prefer (EMDR, CBT, etc.).

If you have a friend who is a therapist, ask if they’d be willing to post on your behalf on a therapist listserv. This allows therapists who meet your criteria to let you know who they are, rather than you having to find them.

If you don’t know anyone with access to those listservs, plug in your specifics on PsychologyToday.com to get a list of potential therapists. Give this list to a friend and ask them to make calls to find out who has openings for new clients and if they offer initial consultations. Take those results and set up consultations with a few potential therapists to see who you mesh with best.

Could you name a few organizations or professionals that provide crucial support for individuals seeking to restart their lives after experiencing abuse, particularly when they have dependents relying on them?

National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org)

Offers 24/7 support through phone and online chat, safety planning, and resources for legal help and shelters.

Safe Horizon (safehorizon.org)

Provides emergency shelters, counseling, legal services, and support for children affected by abuse.

RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) (rainn.org)

Operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline, offers support, resources, and connects survivors with local service providers.

Women’s Law Initiative (womenslaw.org)

Provides legal information and resources for survivors of domestic violence, including guidance on custody and protective orders.

Loveisrespect (loveisrespect.org)

Focuses on young people, offering 24/7 support via phone, text, and chat, along with information on healthy relationships and safety planning.

You are a person of enormous influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

I deeply believe that healing our cultural relationship with sexuality would do wonders. It is something that almost everyone is curious about, and yet we’re relegating it further and further into the dark corners of the internet. For instance, my content is entirely educational, and yet I am constantly in danger of losing my social media accounts and payment processors because there is no distinction made between sex education and pornography.

In the United States, we’re faced with the real possibility of evidence-based sex education being removed from schools and replaced with faith-based abstinence-only education. The data is clear that this leads to worse outcomes across the board: more pregnancies, more abortions, more childhood assault, and more teen and adult abusive relationships.

All of the energy we spend repressing and fearing our desires is an enormous drain. That repression can also lead to a lot of harmful behavior, which we then have to spend additional energy healing from. Imagine all we could accomplish if we weren’t wasting so much energy being afraid of an innate part of ourselves.

Children should have access to comprehensive education about their bodies and consent from their earliest days. As they get older, they should receive comprehensive, age-appropriate sex education.

Meanwhile, I’d love to see a greater effort put into providing education to adults about healthy sexuality.

It still blows my mind that I didn’t learn how consent actually works until I was in my mid-40s. And when I share it with other adult women, most of them are shocked as well. (Hint: just because you say “yes” to something doesn’t mean you’ve made an iron-clad commitment.)

What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?

You can listen to Good Girls Talk About Sex at www.goodgirlstalk.com or your favorite podcast app.

You can find me on Instagram and YouTube at @goodgirlstalk.

Take a quick quiz to discover your biggest sexual challenges and how to deal with them at www.leahcarey.com/quiz.

For information on Sex and Relationship Coaching, visit www.leahcarey.com.

This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.

About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com .