Healing from Toxic Relationships: Therapist Katelyn Kivett On How To Survive And Thrive After Psychological Abuse

An Interview With Wanda Malhotra

Seek Reparative Experiences and Relationships. After an abusive relationship, many survivors experience attachment wounds that create fear around close relationships. Challenging this fear is integral to healing in order to develop new neural pathways to show the brain that not all relationships are unsafe. This can be done through engaging in healthy friendships and dating in addition to strengthening of already healthy dynamics.

Psychological abuse can leave deep and lasting scars, affecting all aspects of a person’s life. Healing from such toxic relationships requires resilience, support, and effective strategies. As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Katelyn Kivett.

Katelyn Kivett is a trauma-informed and EMDR-trained therapist in Connecticut and North Carolina committed to providing quality care to all trauma survivors. She has extensive experience working with complex trauma, domestic violence survivors, and sexual abuse survivors. Not only is she an expert in the field, she is also a survivor who utilizes her own lived experience to inform her clinical work with clients.

Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’?

Abuse and domestic violence are topics that have been synonymous with my storyline for what seems like my entire life. As early as 8 years old, my mindset and goal has always focused on how to create and build a safer life for myself. I sought my way out of an abusive family via higher education and a sustainable career. What I never expected was that my career would turn into spending my days sitting across from survivors just like myself, walking alongside them as they sought their way out of abusive and toxic families and relationships. Without my abuse history, I would never have gotten to have the honor of sitting with these men and women as a witness to both their pain and healing.

Unfortunately, as many survivors experience, leaving my abusive family system was not the end of my abuse. Trying to navigate the world as a young adult with a lack of family support left me vulnerable to dangerous and violent relationships despite my education and expertise in the subject. Today, I am lucky enough to have built a chosen family with wonderful safe individuals and a relationship that exhibits nothing but safety and love. My life today is a stark difference from what it was only two years ago thanks to the many individuals who showed me safety, attunement and choices outside the reality I had always known.

Can you share with us the most interesting story from your career? Can you tell us what lessons or ‘takeaways’ you learned from that?

The most interesting days of my career were the days when I was living in direct contradiction to what I was preaching in my sessions with clients. In some form, these were the days that made it clear to me that I could not continue on the path that I was on. I pride myself on being an authentic therapist, meaning I could not remain in any abusive situations if I was going to build my career around helping survivors create safer lives. I do believe that when I entered this career, I believed that becoming a therapist would protect me from becoming an abuse victim again.

Clearly, this was a fallacy, as abuse victims are not at fault for the abuse they face and there is no one trait that will protect them from being preyed upon.

Each day that I spent convincing my clients that they did not deserve abuse or mistreatment, I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth, knowing I was going to go home to someone who did not value me or treat me safely. I wholeheartedly believed my clients could have a life full of love with healthy relationships, healed from abuse, but when I tried to apply this to myself, it felt impossible while in an abusive dynamic. For me, it felt that I had no right providing therapy while denying myself the same hope I presented to my clients. I knew that if I wanted to continue this work, I had to figure out how to safely leave my abusive relationship and build a sustainable life for myself, this time, truly without any form of abuse from family or partners.

You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?

The three character traits that have been most instrumental to my success have been resilience, discipline and optimism. Resiliency has been a constant in my life, so much so, that I had become resentful of the term. Resiliency to me has always felt like I had no choice but to keep going, resiliency wasn’t something I was choosing but rather being forced into by my circumstances. My resiliency has been exhibited most when put in positions where I have been forced to discontinue contact with abusers within my family and in past relationships. When you choose to stop allowing others to disrespect you, many don’t realize everything you must give up. You’re giving up relationships with those committed to supporting your abuser over yourself, you’re often giving up treasured and sentimental belongings, you’re losing the financial and emotional safety net of a family and a “home” to go to. The amount of resilience it takes to show up for yourself and not turn back to toxicity while navigating the grief of these losses requires immeasurable resiliency.

Not only was I tasked with resilience, but discipline too. Discipline is the sole reason that I have obtained the degrees, training and specialization that I have. Discipline has been the guiding principle to allow me access to a safer future led by career stability and financial stability, two things that allow survivors to maintain their independence and wellbeing after leaving abusive situations. When I had to escape my abuser, there was no time to take off. I had bills to pay, and it was going to cost me if I wanted to get out safely. There was no question of whether I could slow down in my commitment to my career, I had to remain disciplined and show up for my career to show up for myself. It didn’t matter what was going on for me outside of the therapy room, I was still going to do my very best to show up for my clients in session while taking care of myself outside of session.

Lastly, I couldn’t be successful without optimism. Juggling a career while navigating life post abuse is not for the faint of heart, I needed a level of blind hope. I had to convince myself that the pieces would fall together, and my work would pay off despite my predisposed narratives. I did not see myself represented in the field while navigating this, in fact, I saw the opposite. I was told that there wasn’t room for my lived experience in the therapy world. To that, I have to offer a counter thought. Who better to help these clients? I have lived it and survived it and continue to do so every day. I can hold hope and optimism for my clients because I have had to do it for myself. I have chosen to remain optimistic by believing that there are worlds and communities for survivors that are safe and abuse free, where there is truly an “after” to abusive relationships and childhoods.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that might help people?

The most exciting project I’m working on right now is building my private practice! My private practice is centered around supporting survivors in addition to providing specialized care for adults who have experienced childhood sexual abuse. Unfortunately, there is a gap in adequate care for CSA survivors and I am hopeful I can bridge that gap while also bringing in a unique level of care informed by my own lived experience. My next endeavor, ideally, will be taking steps to write and publish my first book about my experiences. My hope for this book is that other survivors of domestic violence and childhood sexual abuse will see their own worth and capabilities while feeling understood and seen. I am hoping with my combined experience as a clinician and a survivor I can create a safe landing space for survivors struggling to find their place.

Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s shift to the main focus of our interview. Let’s start with a simple definition so that we are all on the same page. How would you define a Toxic Relationship?

All abusive relationships are toxic, but not all toxic relationships are abusive. Toxic relationships may include unhealthy dynamics that impact one or both individuals, while abusive relationships typically involve an identified perpetrator and victim with themes of power and control. Toxic relationships may include degrees of disrespect, betrayal, or consistent conflicts. Despite these attributes, that does not mean the relationship is abusive.

What are the common signs of emotional, financial, and/or psychological abuse in various types of relationships (e.g., romantic, familial, professional)? How can individuals recognize and address these forms of abuse effectively?

Common signs of emotional and psychological abuse may include name calling, frequent putting down, gaslighting or denying of someone’s reality, minimizing or blaming of harm caused, isolating someone, humiliation and use of threats. These harmful actions can appear in workplaces, family systems, friendships and romantic relationships.

Often, these behaviors are normalized within larger systems such as families and workplaces. Financial abuse

includes controlling someone’s income or ability/access to work in addition to making financial threats and controlling use of money. Despite emotional, financial and psychological abuse not being seen as inherently violent, it’s important to remember the impact these forms of abuse have on survivors physically and mentally both in the long and short term.

Based on your research or experience, can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Heal After A Toxic Relationship”?

1. Create a Safety Plan and Protect Your Privacy. The number one most important step for someone leaving a toxic or abusive relationship is to plan for your own safety and privacy. Privacy concerns may include changing passwords, making profiles private, and turning off location services. In addition to this, have a plan in place due to potential post-relationship stalking and harassment. This may include seeking legal assistance in addition to identifying who you can call and where you can go if needed.
2. Access Professional Help. Self-help can go a long way after a toxic relationship, but it is so important to seek out a mental health professional if you’re able to. This may be a therapist, psychiatrist, victim advocate or other individual. Therapy, specifically, can be helpful for survivors to make sense of what’s happened and put words to their experience while healing.
3. Seek Reparative Experiences and Relationships. After an abusive relationship, many survivors experience attachment wounds that create fear around close relationships. Challenging this fear is integral to healing in order to develop new neural pathways to show the brain that not all relationships are unsafe. This can be done through engaging in healthy friendships and dating in addition to strengthening of already healthy dynamics.
4. Work Towards Independence and Autonomy. While time should be dedicated to engaging in healthy new experiences, it’s also important to support and build your independence after leaving a toxic relationship. Building your autonomy post abuse can be as simple as taking yourself for a cup of coffee or engaging in your own hobbies now that you have the mental space to do so.
5. Give Yourself Time. Lastly, and maybe most importantly, give yourself time to heal. Many survivors struggle with self-gaslighting that they “should be over it” or feel better within a certain timeframe. Even with all the “right” steps, healing takes time! Your nervous system will take time to settle after being on alert within the unhealthy relationship.

Following financial abuse, what actionable strategies can individuals employ to rebuild their lives and achieve financial independence? What resources are instrumental in this process?

Rebuilding after financial abuse can be incredibly difficult in today’s world. I encourage survivors to build confidence in themselves by seeking knowledge and advice suitable for their financial situation post-abuse. I also encourage survivors to find an outlet for frustrations related to financial abuse as it can be incredibly difficult to start from scratch, erase credit issues caused by an abuser or rebuild savings. Resources and steps may include checking in with your bank on your security settings, running a credit report, and taking inventory of possible debts and future expenses.

For those impacted by multiple forms of abuse, what comprehensive strategies and support systems are most effective in facilitating their healing journey?

It is not uncommon for survivors to be affected by more than one form of abuse. It can feel incredibly overwhelming and isolating to feel the need to heal from all forms at once. Unfortunately, this is an impossible standard for survivors to reach. My advice would be to reach out to your local organizations supporting survivors, lean on your support system and lower the bar for yourself. As tempting as it is to expect yourself to bounce back immediately after ending an abusive relationship, you’re only putting your nervous system into additional distress.

What strategies can survivors use to rebuild their self-esteem and confidence?

Self-esteem and confidence are typically an abuser’s first area of attack. This means that the neural pathways in your brain have probably had plenty of time to soak in negative beliefs and attitudes towards yourself. Given that there’s been consistent repetition of verbal and emotional abuse, simply removing oneself from the abuse is not going to shift your confidence overnight. Learning to rewire the self-abuse that has been wired into your thoughts while surrounding yourself with positive voices will have a tremendous impact on your recovery over time.

How can friends and family best support someone who is recovering from psychological abuse?

When a survivor comes to you after they’ve experienced abuse, most of your job is to provide a safe landing spot. A safe landing spot is somewhere non-judgmental, open and warm. Survivors may need someone to listen to and validate their experiences or they may need someone to help them identify resources or find solutions. Don’t hesitate to help the survivor in identifying what they may need. The conversations that come up when supporting a survivor can bring up discomfort for supporters and that is understandable. Even if you’re learning as you go, the simplest support can make a large difference.

What role does therapy play in recovering from psychological abuse, and how can one find the right therapist? Additionally, what tips do you have for overcoming common barriers to accessing therapy?

Obtaining professional help can be a pivotal step for survivors healing from abuse. I encourage survivors to interview and consult with therapists prior to beginning treatment to assess their attitudes towards and knowledge of survivors. It’s important to note that experience with survivors does not always equate to practitioners creating a safe space for them. Survivors can utilize key words such as trauma informed or survivor centered when seeking treatment to find someone informed and safe to work with. Many local organizations also provide a set amount of free or reduced cost sessions to survivors or can provide referrals to informed practitioners in their area.

Could you name a few organizations or professionals that provide crucial support for individuals seeking to restart their lives after experiencing abuse, particularly when they have dependents relying on them?

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is an incredible resource for those trying to leave an abusive situation or who have already left and are having trouble maintaining safety or no contact. This resource is available via call and text 24/7 and completely free of cost. RAINN is also a great resource to assist you in accessing local resources. Sorting through resources can be exhausting for survivors. If you have support, please lean on loved ones to assist you in researching or reach out to 211 to connect you with needed social services.

You are a person of enormous influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

If I had the ability and power, I would create financial resources and programs to assist survivors in abusive situations. Unfortunately, no amount of awareness is going to make housing and adequate therapy accessible to survivors. Nor is it going to put food on their table or pay for their car needed to get to work or to replace the belongings they lost when leaving. Most survivors face extreme financial hardship when leaving an abusive relationship and are at a disadvantage when working to increase their income, find safe housing, and fund everything necessary to leave an abuser (i.e. paying for therapy and medical services, moving out of the perpetrator’s residence, and legal fees). In an ideal world, survivors do not have to stay with their abuser because they do not have the money

and privilege to access basic safety. The world becomes a better place when survivors are safe and able to afford to engage in the world in the way they deserve.

What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?

Readers can reach out to me at survivorcenteredtherapy@gmail.com or find my work at www.survivorcenteredtherapy.com

This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.

About the Interviewer: Wanda Malhotra is a wellness entrepreneur, lifestyle journalist, and the CEO of Crunchy Mama Box, a mission-driven platform promoting conscious living. CMB empowers individuals with educational resources and vetted products to help them make informed choices. Passionate about social causes like environmental preservation and animal welfare, Wanda writes about clean beauty, wellness, nutrition, social impact and sustainability, simplifying wellness with curated resources. Join Wanda and the Crunchy Mama Box community in embracing a healthier, more sustainable lifestyle at CrunchyMamaBox.com.