How Author Laura Doyle Turned Personal Struggles into a Global Movement for Happy Marriages

…Respect is the best aphrodisiac on the planet for men. When I became less critical and more respectful, our passion reignited..

I had the pleasure of talking with Laura Doyle. Laura is a New York Times bestselling author, host of the Empowered Wife Podcast, and founder of the Laura Doyle Relationship Coach Certification. Known for her candid and transformative approach to marriage, Doyle’s journey began with personal strife in her own relationship. Her story is one of redemption and discovery, transforming her struggles into a global movement aimed at ending divorce.

Early in her marriage, Doyle experienced significant turmoil. She tried to mold her husband into a more tidy, romantic, and ambitious partner, which only led to greater distance between them. Her attempts to resolve these issues through marriage counseling nearly ended in divorce. Desperate for a solution, she sought advice from women in long-lasting marriages. Their seemingly antiquated and counterintuitive advice sparked a miraculous change in her relationship. Her husband, who had grown distant, began to reconnect with her.

This personal breakthrough led Doyle to pen her first book, which became a New York Times bestseller. Her insights resonated globally, with her work being translated into 19 languages across 30 countries. This success spurred further ventures, including the Empowered Wives TV series on Amazon and The Empowered Wife Podcast on Apple Podcasts.

Doyle’s mission is clear: to end divorce worldwide. Through her Laura Doyle Relationship Coach Certification, she has trained hundreds of coaches and impacted tens of thousands of women. Her methods center around the Six Intimacy Skills™ and the Connection Framework, designed to foster happier, more connected marriages.

Doyle’s approach has garnered media attention, leading to appearances on The Today Show, Good Morning America, and The View. Despite her public success, Doyle’s greatest pride lies in her 34-year marriage to her husband, John. Their relationship, once on the brink of collapse, now serves as a testament to her methods.

Doyle’s personal narrative is integral to her teachings. She openly shares her journey, from feeling like her husband was a “loser” to transforming their marriage. Her turning point came from a last-ditch effort to seek advice from happily married women. The radical change in her behavior, inspired by their advice, reignited her husband’s affection.

This epiphany led to the creation of a support group in her living room, where she and her friends experimented with these principles. The success of this group culminated in her first book, which propelled her into the spotlight. Doyle’s teachings emphasize practical steps, such as making oneself happy through “frivolous fun,” a concept that seems counterintuitive but is foundational to her philosophy.

The six intimacy skills Doyle advocates include expressing desires in a way that inspires a “yes,” respecting one’s husband, and fostering a positive environment in the home. Her methodical approach to marriage counseling focuses on personal happiness and respect, which she argues are critical for a healthy relationship.

Doyle’s emphasis on respect, particularly as an aphrodisiac for men, is a cornerstone of her teachings. She describes her transformation from a critical and nagging spouse to one who respects and honors her husband’s decisions. This shift, she contends, is essential for rekindling passion and maintaining a strong marriage.

The concept of “spouse fulfilling prophecy” is another key aspect of Doyle’s approach. By affirming positive traits in one’s spouse, she believes, individuals can cultivate those very qualities. This idea, rooted in the power of words and expectations, has reportedly led to significant improvements in relationships.

Doyle’s mission extends beyond individual marriages. She sees the health of marriages as foundational to strong communities and nations. Her work is part of a broader movement to support and sustain healthy, lasting marriages.

For those seeking to explore Doyle’s methods, her resources are readily accessible. Her website offers the Adored Wife Roadmap, a free guide that outlines the six intimacy skills and common mistakes women make in their relationships. This resource is designed to provide an overview and practical steps for those looking to improve their marriages.

Nancy: I’m very honored to be introducing to you today Laura Doyle. Laura, to begin with, do you mind telling us where this journey started that led you to where you are today?

Laura: Oh yeah, well, it’s kind of an embarrassing story, actually. I wrecked my own marriage. I had been married for six or seven years when the guy I thought was so smart and handsome and funny and talented just started to seem like a loser to me. We couldn’t get through the day without having an argument or a big fight, especially in the car. Luckily, I knew what to do. Everyone knows that if you can’t have a conversation without blowing up, you should go to marriage counseling. So I dragged him to marriage counseling and waited patiently for the counselor to fix him while I stood there, dutifully watching.

Of course, it wasn’t working. A year later, we were still on the marriage counselor’s gray couch, and I thought, “This is hopeless. He is never going to change.” I could either spend the rest of my life in a loveless relationship or get divorced and acknowledge that I married the wrong man. So I decided I would get divorced. I wasn’t quite ready to do it because I was too embarrassed. People had been to our wedding just a few years before. As a last-ditch effort, I decided to ask women who had been married for a long time — 15 years — what their secrets were. How were they staying happily married all that time?

Necessity is the mother of invention, right? I had the gift of desperation. Those women really delivered. They said a bunch of things that sounded old-fashioned, counterintuitive, and crazy. But I thought I would experiment with everything, and if it worked, I’d keep it. And that’s what I did. Not long after, I walked through the front door, and my husband’s face lit up when he saw me. That had been gone for a long time, so I thought, “Oh, something is happening.” I knew I had done it. It wasn’t the marriage counselor fixing him; it was how I had shown up differently. It gave me so much hope. I was very excited because I thought, “Now I’m going to be able to have the kind of marriage I always wanted.” I wanted a great marriage so badly. I thought, “This is great. I know what to do, and now I just have to do it.” We wouldn’t have those big fights or blowups in the car anymore.

But just a few days later, we had one of those big blowups again. I was saying horrible things, and he was saying horrible things right back. I thought, “This is terrible because I know what to do, but I can’t get myself to do it.” My next last-ditch effort was to get some of my friends together who were also complaining about their marriages. I invited them to try some of the things I learned from the happy wives. So, I started a little support group in my living room with five of us. We would meet and talk about things, sharing really vulnerably about what was going on in our marriages.

One day, we met, and I was talking about some of the things I had learned. The next day, I wanted to lay into my husband because he was saying something I thought was so dumb. I just wanted to let him have it. But I caught myself because I thought, “If I do that, I’ll have to tell those women I did that.” I even thought, “Maybe I’ll do it and apologize later.” None of that felt good. So, that day, I was able to just put some duct tape over my mouth and not say anything disrespectful to my husband. I didn’t tear him down, and that was big for me. It was a big turning point.

One of my friends in the support group said, “Can you write down what we’re doing for my cousin in Florida?” We were all seeing miracles in our marriages. For example, her husband won the sales contest at work and took her on the most romantic getaway of their lives. Another friend said, “You’re not going to think this is a big deal, but my husband and I had been fighting for months about painting the family room, and he got up and painted it with a smile. This is a miracle.” We all agreed it was a miracle. So, I started writing down what we were doing, and that became my first book, which became a New York Times bestseller, published in 19 languages in 30 countries. Now, there are thousands of women all over the world — over one hundred thousand — who practice the six intimacy skills I learned from those women.

Nancy: I bought the audio copy of your book and have listened to it. I’m eager for you to describe, in a nutshell, those six intimacy skills.

Laura: You know, I’ll do my best. But sometimes just listing them doesn’t have the same impact as experiencing them. It’s like reading an article and thinking, “Oh, that’s great. I should do that,” but then nothing happens. With your permission, I’d love to share some of the key phrases we use to implement the six intimacy skills.

For me, the first and most indispensable step to becoming a ridiculously happy wife, which is what I am now, is to make yourself happy every day by having frivolous fun. Not 30 minutes of cardio or eating five fruits and vegetables a day or trying to reduce greenhouse gas emissions or decluttering your house. It’s just whatever makes you smile. It could be chatting on the phone with a girlfriend, getting a pastry and a cup of coffee at a cute café, playing volleyball, or listening to a podcast while walking.

The first thing we ask women to do when they come to us, often in a big crisis in their marriage — maybe there’s an affair, or he’s pushing for divorce, or they’re living in an extended cold war with no talking — is to make a list of 20 things that bring them joy. The typical response is either, “I don’t know anymore because I’ve been busy taking care of my family, being a wife and a mom, and working. I haven’t thought about it in a while,” or, “I can’t think of anything that makes me happy. It’s a foreign concept.” We all have moments where we think, “Right now, I have to fold the laundry,” but folding laundry has never made anyone ridiculously happy.

I’ve had clients argue that folding the laundry made them feel better, but that doesn’t count as nourishing your spirit. It’s about what makes you laugh, sing, or dance in the kitchen and just be silly. That girl of fun and light that your husband probably fell in love with might have gone missing. Another common reaction is women saying, “I can’t do this right now because I need to fix my marriage.” They’re in a crisis, and they’re scared, thinking, “We have to get to the part where we fix things.”

But the first indispensable step to fixing your marriage is actually finding some pleasure. Women have the only organ on the human body whose sole purpose is pleasure, and I think that’s a metaphor for how important feminine pleasure is. So, that’s intimacy skill number one. We’re kind of on track here with what you asked for.

Nancy: I love it. And it is counterintuitive. Like I’m supposed to make myself happy. I thought he was going to make me happy.

Laura: Yeah, I thought he was going to make me happy, and he wasn’t doing a good job. That made me think he was either not the right guy, didn’t know how, or needed to work on himself. But it’s interesting. I was convinced that making me happy was my husband’s job, and he wasn’t doing it well. It turns out that’s actually my job. Once I’m happy, once he sees that I’m what I call “pleasable,” my husband loves to pile more “pleasing” on. That’s when he’s trying to make me laugh, bringing home flowers, or just playing silly games.

Nancy: You use the word “pleasable.” I love that. If we get stuck in this loop of unhappiness and resentment toward our husband, pretty soon the husband thinks there’s nothing he can do to please us.

Laura: That’s right. So he gives up trying because why would anyone do something that’s never going to work? He needs to see some hope that he can make us happy. This is a big part of why he fell in love with you. For me, when single, my husband and I lived in apartments next door to each other with thin walls, and he could hear me laughing through the walls. He was halfway in love with me already from hearing me laugh. After we were married, I was wearing my frowny face all the time because I thought he needed to know that I wasn’t happy so he would start straightening up and making me happy. I was always in a bad mood, and I wondered why he wasn’t interested in spending any time with me or even making love to me. Looking back, I can see I was not very attractive.

Another thing every woman needs to know, which I sure didn’t, is how to express your desires in a way that inspires a “yes.” I have a sad, tragic story about my early relationship before I knew this phrase. I thought I was communicating my desires, but a lot of times I was just complaining. I didn’t know the difference between saying what you want and saying what you don’t want. People can barely hear you when you’re complaining.

Early on, my husband took us on a romantic getaway to Hawaii. We were pretty new at dating and not even married yet. On the first day, I thought, “Oh, we’re going to go to the beach because I can’t wait to go to the beach.” Instead of saying that, I asked him, “Hey, what do you want to do today?” He said, “How about if we go see a volcano?” I thought, “Right, a volcano.” It’s not what I wanted to do, but I didn’t want to have conflict. So I thought I would just suck it up and go see the volcano. There we are in a rental car, driving toward the volcano. You can’t see it for a long time; it’s just molten rocks on the side. It’s a long drive. I started to get upset, thinking he didn’t even ask what I wanted to do. That’s so inconsiderate. He realized something was up and asked if I was okay. I said, “Do you think this is fun? Because I don’t think it’s fun at all. I think it’s really stupid. I want to go to the beach. Now we’re just driving in this stupid car.” He saw a volcano, all right, but not the kind he had in mind. I feel so sad for that earlier version of me who had no concept of how to say what I wanted. If you can’t say what you want, you’re never going to get it.

This continued after we were married. I remember saying, “This kitchen is a disaster area,” and thinking he would jump off the couch and start cleaning the kitchen. That never happened. Finally, I learned to say, “John, I would love a clean kitchen.” He said, “Okay, I’ll clean it,” and he did. That was over 20 years ago, and he’s been doing the dishes ever since. I never would have dreamed that was possible, but he needed to know what I wanted and that I was pleasable so he could jump up to be my hero, which he loves to be.

So, if you caught that little magical phrase I just used, it’s “I would love.” For example, “I would love a clean kitchen.” It’s a final outcome. Write it down if you’re listening to this because you need this formula: “I would love,” followed by the final outcome. I had one student who said, “I would love for him to make more money.” Money is just a means to an end; it’s not a final outcome. I asked her what she would have that she doesn’t have now if she had more money. She said, “I could buy myself things,” but that was still not specific. After drilling down, she said, “I need new boots.” So, her desire would be, “I would love new boots.” Just the final outcome.

I know I have done just the opposite in the past. I’ve said things like, “I would love a new dress and there’s one on sale at Macy’s. It’s blue, it’s in the window, and get me a size eight. Here’s a coupon.” And it’s like, that’s not inspiring anymore.

To express a desire in a way that inspires, you have to leave room for him to be your hero. It’s funny because a lot of women will say, “My husband doesn’t have that hero gene.” I thought that too — he didn’t care about my desires. But it had so much to do with me not being pleasable and not knowing how to express my desires.

So many thousands of students have been pleasantly surprised to find out they were wrong. I remember one student, Debbie. She and her husband were in a bad way; he was saying it was over, and they were separated in the same house with no talking. She decided to practice the six intimacy skills and experiment with this particular one, even though she didn’t think it would work. She said to him, while he was watching TV, “I would love a leg massage.” He asked, “Do you want it right now?” She was shocked and said, “Okay, yeah, I’ll take it right now.” They hadn’t even spoken, much less touched, and here he was, rubbing her legs. It felt like a miracle, but really, it’s not so hard to do if you know how to trigger your husband’s hero gene.

It’s one of the things we make sure every woman knows how to do because it’s really hard to be ridiculously happy in a marriage unless you let him be your hero and know how to express those desires in a way that inspires. It is life-changing. To this day, I still feel vulnerable expressing my desires. A while ago, I wanted a pool. I had been saying it for years, but I was holding it at arm’s length, thinking, “I want a pool out there in the future sometime.” I even thought, “If only we had small kids, then I could say it was for the kids.” Finally, I got clear and self-honoring about it, and next thing you know, my husband went to the ends of the earth to give me a pool! Now we have a backyard resort with a pool and a fountain. It’s absolutely gorgeous and wonderful.

For somebody else, that might not feel as indulgent — a lot of people have pools. But for me, it was a stretch. It can take some courage to really honor your desire, but without doing that, we all stay stuck. Those desires become like a north star for your relationship. Whether it’s a new house, another baby, or even just a cup of coffee, your husband gets his marching orders from knowing your desires.

A lot of women struggle with this. We feel like we can get by and economize, but economizing can be exhausting sometimes.

Nancy: Well, I love your stories. I love the illustrations that you’re giving us about these intimacy skills. They’re creating a sense of intimacy between you and your husband without you exerting control or nagging. Of course, nagging gives you the opposite result.

Laura: It doesn’t work, and yet we keep trying to do it, don’t we? I was the worst nagger and rager, actually. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I used to just rip him up one side and down the other. I would repeat to him constantly: “Don’t forget this, don’t forget that.” The temptation to be helpful and remind him not to forget to pay the property taxes or whatever still comes up for me. But these days, I’m so happy to have these cheat phrases from the six intimacy skills to reach for instead.

Another painful thing I used to do, which I thought was necessary, were what I call “State of the Union” addresses. I would sit him on the couch, and we’d talk about our relationship. But really, I didn’t want to talk about our relationship — I wanted to talk about what he was doing wrong and what he needed to fix. It was just me criticizing and complaining about my husband. Those conversations were so painful and never improved anything. We’d sit there for hours, and by the end, we were just exhausted and distant.

We don’t do that anymore. No more “State of the Union” addresses for us. Now, with the cheat phrases and actions from the six intimacy skills, there’s never a need to talk about what’s wrong with our relationship. I focus on staying on my paper and talking about my desires. By “my paper,” I mean like when you’re a kid in school, and the teacher tells you to keep your eyes on your own paper. It doesn’t matter what the kid next to you is doing — you’re responsible for everything on your paper. My husband is responsible for his paper, and sometimes our papers overlap. He takes care of the cars for both of us or puts out the trash for both of us.

As long as I stay on my paper and trust him to handle his, things go swimmingly. Most of the time, the only thing we talk about regarding our relationship is how great it is, how much fun we’re having together, and how well we get along.

Nancy: Do you have any conversations about what items are on which piece of paper, yours or his?

Laura: Yeah, I think that’s a great question. So my husband and I work together. He self-published my first book before Simon and Schuster republished it. It’s really interesting as long as we stay in our lanes. So the answer is yes. In the old days, I used to have a spreadsheet on the refrigerator that said whose job was what. My intention was to get him to do the dishes. Like, I cook, so you do the dishes. And all the other chores I wanted him to do. I was spending a lot of time touring, and it doesn’t look like that anymore.

Right now, he’s putting together a new video studio for me. All I did was express a desire, and he was like, “OK, I know what to do.” He ordered all the stuff, and he’s putting it together, some building stuff he’s got to do for it. So that’s his lane. I’m not going to get involved in my video studio. I’m just like a princess waiting for that to happen, which is pretty nice.

One of the things that is on my paper around here is when it’s time to eat, that’s on me. Either there’s something in the fridge I’m pulling out, or I might ask him to pick something up grocery-wise. Or I might say, “Hey, I’d love to go out to dinner,” whatever it is. So, yeah, we do have our own lanes, and we have had conversations about how to stay in those lanes.

Nancy: Can you tell us a bit about what you call “spouse fulfilling prophecy”?

Laura: It’s really kind of like a magical formula that I love for people to experiment with if they are struggling. A lot of times, women hear about the six intimacy skills and think, well, that’s great for someone who is married to the right person. But actually, anyone can experiment with what I call the “spouse fulfilling prophecy.”

I first learned about this from Lee Miltier, who taught a class on what was then called autosuggestion, but now we call it affirmations. A woman attended Lee’s class and realized she had been affirming things to her husband that weren’t serving her. She had been affirming that he loses his temper a lot. After the class, she decided to change her approach and start affirming that it wasn’t like him to lose his temper.

She went home and waited for him to lose his temper, which didn’t take long. When he did, she said, “That’s so funny. It’s not like you to lose your temper.” He looked at her funny, and their 12-year-old son said, “Yes, it is, Mom. He always loses his temper.” But she kept at it, thinking, what do I have to lose? Soon after, they were at a restaurant with slow service. Her husband started to fume but stopped himself, saying, “That’s not like me to lose my temper, is it?” She nearly fell off her chair because it worked. Our words have so much weight.

I decided to experiment with this because I had been nagging my husband about needing to ask for a raise, make more money, and get a better job. What he heard was that he didn’t make enough money. Eventually, he quit his job and stopped making money altogether. That’s how good a manifester I am — what I focus on increases. So, I started saying, “You’re such a good provider.” It was a bit of a stretch, but it felt true enough. For fun, I also started calling him Mr. Moneybags.

I waited for opportunities to affirm him, saying things like, “You’ve always been such a good provider.” Around that time, my husband decided to start his own video company for lawyers, and it was incredibly successful. Maybe it was a coincidence, but it was funny to get checks in the mail and joke about Mr. Moneybags taking me to sushi.

Spouse fulfilling prophecies can be used in any area of your marriage where you feel you’re suffering or not having the experience you want. By focusing on something that serves you better, what you focus on increases, and you begin to have that experience.

Nancy: How would you define respect in your marriage?

Laura: Respect is so important. I remember not really knowing what it meant when I first got married. I thought it meant he would be the boss or have authority over me, but it doesn’t mean that at all. It means I honor his decisions for his life and treat him as though I expect the best out of him instead of expecting the worst.

One thing I say a lot about respect is that it’s the best aphrodisiac on the planet for men. I didn’t realize I was pouring it on when we first fell in love. But when I became less respectful and more contemptuous, disdainful, and critical, it had the opposite effect. The passion left, and I couldn’t get him to show any interest in physical intimacy. I couldn’t understand why.

It wasn’t until I learned how to be respectful and leaned on simple phrases for being respectful that he started showing interest again. Suddenly, he was after me again, and it was almost scary. I felt vulnerable. It’s kind of a heady power we have as wives to decide how we want to show up in our marriages and what kind of atmosphere we want in our homes. It’s really up to me.

In my house, I’m the keeper of the relationship. I see that being true for women all over the world and in all different cultures. I get letters from places like Japan and Egypt. An Egyptian woman once wrote, “We thought only Egyptian men were like this.” But it seems to be universal. The male and female dynamic, the way we fit together beautifully and also feel like oil and water sometimes, is a great adventure and a powerful journey of self-development. Probably the best self-improvement program I’ve ever been on is trying to figure out how to have a good marriage with the wonderful man I chose.

Nancy: I think marriage is the number one self-improvement challenge because that intimate relationship triggers all the worst in us, as well as pulling out the best in us when we’re willing.

Laura: It does. It really does. And it’s been such a pleasure on my podcast, the Empowered Wife podcast. I interview women who tell the story of how they turned their marriages around, even from very dire situations. I remember one student whose husband told her he didn’t love her, had never loved her, then moved out, and she found out he was having an affair with the bookkeeper. After 30 years of marriage, three kids, and a grandkid on the way, she just wanted her marriage back. She still loved her husband deep down and wanted her family together.

First, they went to marriage counseling, but the counselor said there was nothing she could do until he dropped the other woman, which he wouldn’t. They went week after week for six months with no progress. Then she found the intimacy skills and decided to give her marriage one last shot by enrolling in a relationship coach certification program. She was so nervous, thinking she’d be the only one with such a broken marriage, but was relieved to find others there for the same reason.

We all celebrated with her when her husband called to tell her he loved her, had always loved her, and dropped the other woman like a hot rock. We were so excited for her. Then he got on one knee and apologized to her with tears in his eyes. It was like she made a touchdown the way we cheered for her. When he moved back home in time for Christmas and put a new wedding ring on her finger, it was all we could do to contain ourselves.

Every week, we hear a story like that. That one was episode number 207, I think. There are well over 200 stories of how women fixed their relationships, and they are always so inspiring.

Nancy: We try to exert our power in the wrong ways, don’t we? We don’t realize the powerful ways that we can exert our power.

Laura: Yeah, we have so much influence if we use it wisely. No one ever showed me that, and my parents are divorced, so I was following a failed recipe and was about to get the same results. I’m very passionate about ensuring all women who want to feel desired, taken care of, and special get the right information and support so they can make their marriages amazing and shiny again. There’s nothing more important than that because the world depends on strong countries, strong countries depend on strong communities, and strong communities depend on strong families. And that means a strong marriage where everyone feels happy and taken care of.

Nancy: As I’ve been interviewing therapists and coaches who had their articles published in Authority magazine, I’ve been amazed at how many of them verbalized the desire for a movement that will support marriage and end divorce, just like your passion. That was my passion for a long time, but I thought, here I am in my own little corner of the world. How can I create a movement that would impact the whole country? But the foundation of our nation, as you just mentioned, and the world, is happy, healthy, lasting marriages. They provide an environment for children to grow up with healthy self-esteem and good models of healthy relationships that demonstrate good character.

Laura: I think there is a movement growing, and I’m definitely a part of that, as are you, without a doubt. We’re both on the mission to end world divorce, and it’s an exciting mission to be on.

Nancy: Where can people find you if they want to find your podcast or your work? I know your books are available on Amazon, of course.

Laura: Well, we have something fun going on right now. We have the Adored Wife Roadmap available for free on my website, which is lauradoyle.org. You can go there, and it also talks about the three mistakes women make when they’re trying to get their husband’s time, attention, or affection. It gives an overview of all six intimacy skills, and it’s free right now. So you can go and check that out.

Nancy: I’ll do that as soon as we end this call. Thank you so much for joining me today. I’m just delighted to have met you and to support your work.

Laura: Thank you so much.