I Can’t Get No Satisfaction: Therapist Orit Krug On Why So Many Of Us Are Feeling Unsatisfied & What We Can Do About It

An Interview With Drew Gerber

Listen to your inner-wisdom first — Our thoughts are so often influenced by marketing and social media that we can forget what really feels true and in line with who we are. You may follow an influencer who says that you have to be strong and tough in order to be successful. Or that you need to be vulnerable and soft to have a thriving relationship. It’s not that simple or straightforward; different situations and relationships call for different types of action. Stop putting so much stock in what other people are telling you to do and listen to the wisdom of your body.

From an objective standpoint, we are living in an unprecedented era of abundance. Yet so many of us are feeling unsatisfied. Why are we seemingly so insatiable? What is going on inside of us that is making us feel unsatisfied? What is the brain chemistry that makes us feel this way? Is our brain wired for endless insatiable consumption? What can we do about it? In this interview series, we are talking to credentialed experts such as psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, brain science experts, as well as spiritual and religious leaders, and mind-body-spirit coaches, to address why so many of us are feeling unsatisfied & what we can do about it.

As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Orit Krug.

Orit Krug is an award-winning Board-Certified Dance/Movement Therapist and Licensed Creative Arts Therapist (NY) who holds a Master of Science in Dance/Movement Therapy. She specializes in helping high-achieving individuals and couples excel in their love lives without self-sabotage. For over 12 years, Orit has transformed the lives of more than 5,000 clients from 11 different countries. Her online programs have helped thousands break free from their unhealthy, trauma-driven relationship cycles and experience positive transformations in their love lives.

Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive in, our readers would love to know how you got from “there to here.” Inspire us with your backstory!

For me, “there to here” was not an easy journey. I experienced trauma for a large part of my life, especially throughout my childhood and teenage years. The upshot was that it caused serious relationship problems with family, friends, romantic partners — almost everyone. I was heavily involved in traditional talk therapy trying to figure out why I was stuck in these patterns and how I could change them by building awareness of my past and learning how it affected my current reality. Yet despite the therapy, I remained stuck in these negative patterns. At the same time, I started seeing the man who would become my husband. When he came along, I thought, “This is the man I’ve been looking for. He’s calm, he’s kind, he seems really good for me.” Despite his healthy traits, it just didn’t feel safe; in fact, it scared the heck out of me. My nervous system was heavily adapted to trauma and drama; as a result, I sabotaged the relationship because I just couldn’t stop waiting for him to hurt me or leave me. So I went on the offensive — I hurt him, and eventually I pushed him away.

That was my breaking point, when I decided that talk therapy wasn’t working, and I should try something else. I had just finished my master’s degree in Dance/Movement Therapy and, coincidentally enough, I got an invitation from a dance therapy program and decided to join as a client. This changed everything for me; I was finally able to integrate all the thoughts in my head and follow through on changing the patterns that were so difficult to avoid. Now I’m married and have a wonderful three-year-old son. Healing the trauma brought me this healthy family and partner, as well as satisfaction around everything, even when everything isn’t necessarily going the way I want it to.

What lessons would you share with yourself if you had the opportunity to meet your younger self?

When I was 15, I had so much shame in my body around the trauma that I had experienced: the bullying, the humiliation, the self-deprecation. I had so much shame, I almost ended my life because this shame was coming out in my face, which would turn intensely red in many situations. It felt so exposing and embarrassing, I had nightmares about it. No matter what I tried — including therapy — it only made it worse.

Now, after going through a long and arduous healing process, I’m here as this semi-public figure showing my face all the time, feeling really confident, comfortable, and free to be myself. This is a long way of saying that if I could meet that 15-year-old girl today, who tried to end her life, I would take out my crystal ball and show her that she is going to be just fine. You’re going to reach a level of comfort and happiness in your own skin. Sometimes things seem so hard and devastating in the moment, but they get better. With support and healing, you will get to the other side.

None of us are able to experience success without support along the way. Is there a particular person for whom you are grateful because of the support they gave you to grow you from “there to here?” Can you share that story and why you are grateful for them?

My relationship with my mother wasn’t always perfect; I didn’t always get what I needed from her. Still, I felt comfortable enough to tell her what I was going through. One day, she suggested that I look into therapy. My initial reaction was that I didn’t want therapy, I wanted medication. I wanted a quick fix, something that would cure me instantly. Still, she insisted on therapy, and I am grateful that she remained adamant about it. The fact is, while psychiatric medications can help improve certain conditions, they are really meant for short-term stabilization. Plus, having worked in a psychiatric hospital myself at one point, I’m very aware of the downsides of medication — and there are many.

There are, unfortunately, many people who still don’t believe in therapy; they see it as a sign of weakness. That’s why, in retrospect, the fact that my mother was so supportive of therapy made me realize how much she really just wanted the best for me. In fact, she was not only a strong advocate of therapy for me, but she also supported my desire to become a Dance/Movement Therapist. Maybe if I grew up with a mother who was dismissive of Dance/Movement Therapy — and many people still are, because it falls outside the realm of “traditional” talk therapy — I wouldn’t have felt safe enough or believed in myself enough to pursue this career path.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think it might help people?

While I am not working on any new projects per se, I am spending a lot of time honing and revamping my business in a number of ways. When I started my business four years ago, I didn’t fully trust or believe in myself to create exactly what I had dreamed about. I’m currently eliminating services that no longer feel right and adding in what I’ve been deeply desiring to provide for a very long time. I’m now adding retreats to exotic locations, where couples and individuals can come to deepen their trauma-healing in a beautiful, relaxing setting.

I am constantly taking stock of my own level of satisfaction and “enoughness,” trying to zero in on exactly what makes me happy and determining the things that make me feel fulfilled. I believe that after so many years, I’ve got a pretty good handle on this area, but it’s always worthwhile to reevaluate and check for areas of improvement and self-reflection.

Ok, thank you for sharing your inspired life. Let’s now talk about feeling “unsatisfied.” In the Western world, humans typically have their shelter, food, and survival needs met. What has led to us feeling we aren’t enough and don’t have enough? What is the wiring? Or in other words, how has nature and nurture played into how humans (in an otherwise “safe and secure” environment) experience feeling less than, or a need to have more than what is needed for basic survival?

Why are we unsatisfied? What about our society makes us feel unsatisfied even if we have enough for basic survival? Part of the reason is that humans weren’t wired to want basic survival — we want other things to make us feel “whole.” We want to be loved. We want a purpose. We want to have an impact. Ever since we appeared on the planet, humans have had a burning need to explore and find out more about the world around them.

Having the basic needs is just our “baseline”; it’s OK to feel a level of dissatisfaction that we want more, and it’s healthy and productive when we have dreams of having nicer possessions and a more comfortable lifestyle. But when those dreams become an obsession and it produces unhealthy anxiety, that’s when it’s likely trauma based. In other words, if you’ve experienced trauma at some point in your life and it’s still buried deep within your body, that’s when the “need for more” often becomes even more intensified.

So many people have experienced trauma, and for those who haven’t resolved it yet, they are hardwired as if they’re still going through it. Statistics say that 50–60 percent of people have PTSD, but that is probably underreported because many people downplay it or don’t think they’ve been through any type of trauma.

If we have people operating from a position of trauma, that means that their nervous systems and their brains are functioning from survival mode and need to do whatever they can to feel safe. So they can tell their minds, “I have this beautiful house and family, and I make a great salary, and I’ve got five cars.” But even if they constantly remind themselves of these things, they’re only talking to their prefrontal cortex when they do that, the part of the brain that governs logic and reason.

However, when a person experiences a traumatic event, the memory is imprinted into the amygdala (the fear center that triggers “fight or flight”) and the hippocampus (the center for distinguishing past from present). These areas constantly send off signals that things don’t feel safe — and they will generally manifest those signals in the body. It’s certainly possible to be unsatisfied without experiencing trauma. But with deep-seated trauma, that feeling of dissatisfaction is much more likely to be unhealthy and have a negative impact.

How are societies different? For example, capitalistic societies trade differently than communists. Developed nations trade differently than developing nations. In your opinion, how does society shape a human’s experience and feelings of satisfaction?

In the United States, we have programs that act as “safety nets” (i.e., welfare, unemployment) for those who are struggling, but for the most part, we are on our own to generate income so that we can acquire the most basic needs — food, shelter, healthcare. Conversely, there are societies where some basic needs are taken care of (i.e., socialized medicine) while others are not. And then there are poorer countries where so many basic needs go unfulfilled.

These various scenarios translate to different perspectives related to satisfaction. In the United States, where we are responsible for our own basic needs, we are generally free to achieve as much as we want, if we have a fair starting point and continue to work at it. In other countries, people may benefit from having their basic needs met, but they may also have more difficulty achieving their individual goals and dreams.

For example, in many countries, families and extended families live in one house, and there is more of a “community” feel. But that can also be a hindrance, as people often get stuck in the same patterns, and each generation reinforces them. Perhaps no one in the family went to college, but if you want to go, they may question why you think college is important. They may even convince you not to go, and perhaps you will then need to scale back your ambitions. In America, we may be more lonely and isolated from each other (which can have emotional consequences of its own), but we also have a chance to succeed on a personal and career level and go way beyond previous generations.

At the very opposite end of the spectrum there are poor, underdeveloped countries where people are starving, have no medical care, and have a very low quality of life. In these areas, just getting some food can bring a huge sense of happiness and satisfaction. It really varies between each individual’s specific culture and environment, even within the United States, and what we’ve grown accustomed to.

With a specific focus on brain function, how has the brain and its dominion over the body and beliefs been impacted by the societal construct?

The belief is that the brain has dominion or control over our bodies, our being. It is our ruler, our master. That very belief is what maintains our status as a “thought-led” society where people are walking around like brains on sticks and ignoring their bodies. For example, the fact that most large companies — and even some smaller ones — still believe productivity is optimized by working from 9:00 in the morning to 5:00 at night — a straight eight-hour day with a half-hour for lunch — is ignorant of the science of how our brains and bodies function in a more natural flow. There is an abundance of research proving that we’re more productive when we have more rest and breaks.

That’s why it’s critical that I continue to convey my message that we’re so focused on our thoughts, our cognitive thinking, and the prefrontal cortex part of the brain, that we ignore our bodies and what they are trying to tell us. There’s so much change we could make if we had a bottom-up approach to our own lives and interrelationships — that is, starting with our bodies first, then working up to our brains.

For example, say you were having a conversation with a loved one, and after they say something, you think, “What should I say next?” What’s happening is that you’re letting your mind get in the way of freely communicating in an honest and present way. Instead, if you allow yourself to feel the sensation coming up in your body and follow that feeling to respond in a more organic way, you could be more open, honest, and direct with your loved ones. This would translate to supporting and inspiring each other more effectively and empathetically.

Do you think the way our society markets and advertises goods and services, has affected people’s feelings of satisfaction? Can you explain what you mean?

Advertising is meant to show you that if you have this or that product, your life is going to be better. You’ll have more friends, you’ll be more attractive to potential romantic partners, and ultimately, you‘ll be more content. Almost every form of advertising or marketing tries to capitalize on this feeling. And why wouldn’t they, given that this approach has proven to be so successful?

This type of marketing and advertising is instrumental in transforming our feelings of dissatisfaction and/or not having enough from healthy to unhealthy. More specifically, it conveys the message that if I don’t have this device or I don’t drink this type of beer, I will not be happy. Even on social media, we have been convinced that we need so many followers to be good enough. Granted, the reason someone might have a small number of followers might be that their Facebook page isn’t well-designed, or they aren’t posting compelling content, or a dozen other reasons. But for many of us, our minds immediately default to our feelings of self-worth; if we were just better people, we’d have more followers. I still get that thought with regards to social media. It’s so ingrained in me that I have to work hard at quieting that thought. It feeds into that unhealthy feeling of dissatisfaction.

The most concerning part is that it never seems to end. There are going to be more and more companies selling an infinite number of products and services. So no matter how many items we buy, there will be millions behind them; companies will try to convince us that without this new product, our lives won’t be worth living. Apple is one of the most glaring examples of this mindset. They just came out with the iPhone 14, and so many people are clamoring to get it. I still have my iPhone 12, which works perfectly fine. I’ve had people ask me why I still have an iPhone 12. I start to think, am I not well-off enough to buy the iPhone 14 — or at least the 13? Why am I still stuck with this clunker? It’s an impractical way to think, but it just shows how powerful the marketing message is that if you don’t have the latest and greatest version of whatever product you can think of, you’re just falling behind.

The only way to be completely happy is to be happy with what you really have, which is yourself. In reality, when we achieve a sense of enoughness and wholeness from inside our bodies first, we’re far less susceptible to this covert attack on our self-esteem. We’ll still be impacted by those outside messages, but they won’t have nearly the same effect.

How is the wiring of the brain, body, and beliefs shaped by marketing, language, and how humans trade?

As I mentioned earlier, the brain and the body receive messages in very different ways. Our prefrontal cortex is the area of our brain that governs logic and reason. When it constantly hears marketing messages that talk about how much better our lives can be if we buy this or do that, the prefrontal cortex will evaluate those messages and decide if they have merit. It may be easy to dismiss one or two of them, but because we are bombarded with these messages literally every minute, our powers of reason and logic start to break down. We start to wonder if, in fact, our lives actually could be better if we do what the marketing tells us.

I keep coming back to the body. It’s much harder to fool the amygdala and hippocampus, which govern our feelings and our emotions. These feelings and emotions are stored in our bodies and are very difficult to sway or change with the average, everyday marketing message. So while your prefrontal cortex starts to buy onto the sometimes very convincing arguments for buying a product or investing in a commercial venture, the body’s reaction to these messages is much more visceral. It instinctively knows what’s good for you and what isn’t, what makes you comfortable and what makes you apprehensive. The way humans trade has never changed since we took our first steps: you give me something, I give you something in return. And at its most primal level — if not impaired by deep-seated trauma — our bodies know whether the deal we’re entering into is good for us or is one from which we should just walk away.

I work in marketing so I’m very cognizant of this question. In your opinion, how do you think marketing professionals can be more responsible for how their advertising shapes humans’ health and experience of happiness overall?

When I started my business, I worked with a number of top-level business coaches who told me how to sell or how to position my company. I followed most of their advice, because I was a Dance/Movement Therapist with no marketing or business education. But as I used these coaches’ “proven formulas” and repeated their methods, I realized I wasn’t very comfortable with them. Many of the things I was told to say or do felt ethically wrong. Sometimes I’d ignore the feeling, but after a while I realized I didn’t feel good about it.

I mention this because a big part of healing my trauma has been listening to my body and trusting the feelings and sensations. This has been integral in helping me create my own advertising and marketing messages. Whether it’s a social media post or an ad, I am no longer wording things in a way that will make potential clients feel insecure or uncomfortable, even though it might get more clicks and engagement. I am concentrating more on prioritizing people’s health and happiness overall, even if I lose money in the process. If more marketing professionals and people at the top of corporations were in touch with these sensations, they too would approach their marketing efforts in a different fashion.

Of course, given that a large corporation — or company of any size, for that matter — is in business to turn a profit, this is a pretty big ask. They’re likely going to use any tactic, as long as it’s legal, to get their customers to purchase their product or service. So it might be more realistic for this kind of effort to start with the individual. Maybe if a person is uncomfortable with the messaging their company is putting out, they can speak to their manager about it. If that doesn’t work, they can look for a different job more in line with their ethics and values. If everyone just takes a small step, it can spread. But it starts with the body — not being stuck in that traumatic and anxious fear, and having a healthy enough level of dissatisfaction that it’s not paralyzing them from taking action. It takes people who feel the fear but are willing to move forward and take the right steps anyway.

This is already happening. Look how many people are quitting their jobs and starting their own businesses because they don’t want to follow a corporate philosophy or approach that makes them uneasy. Up until four years ago, I worked in public health management with a for-profit psychiatric hospital. I went to meetings in which managers advocated kicking patients out of the facility because they were out of money. Or they insisted we maintain them on a certain medication so we could keep them longer, even if the medication wasn’t working. That made my soul die. I could have stayed, but I knew there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I was privileged enough to have the resources to walk out and do things in a more ethical way and not make people suffer to maximize income.

For you personally, if you have all your basic needs met, do you feel you have enough in life?

To start off, let me say this: I do have all of my basic needs met — and more. I’ve got a roof over my head, plenty of food, good health, and even a great family thrown in for good measure — everything I need to survive. But despite these essential ingredients for a happy life — some of which many people are not privileged to have — I still experience plenty of moments when I want more. Sometimes, it’s hard not to feel that way. We’re constantly assaulted with messages, through all kinds of media, as well as from friends and family, that if we just had this or that, we’d be happier. There’s always that “one more thing” that someone tries to sell us that is guaranteed to raise us to the next level of “enoughness.”

Of course, since true happiness — or enoughness — comes from within, the best approach is to stop looking at external things or outcomes to fulfill any sense of wholeness. It’s far more effective to continue to come back to the miracles of being alive and having a breathing, living, self-healing body — just being you is enough. I still get swayed by marketing, social media follower counts, and advertisements from every possible direction. I get targeted by entrepreneurs who made $1 million in their first year in business and I didn’t, which makes me question what I am doing wrong. But then I realize it’s not a reflection of my self-worth, and I’m trying to believe that more and more every day.

Okay, fantastic. Here is the main question of our interview: Can you share with our readers your “5 things we can each do to address the feeling of not having enough.” Please share a story or example for each.

I’d be happy to.

1. Put the focus back on your body — It’s not uncommon to spiral into thoughts about not having or being enough. When this happens for you, notice what sensations arise inside your body. What changes about your posture or the way you move? You might feel that your breath becomes more shallow, or your throat becomes tight. You might find yourself hunched over or moving very quickly, which could provoke a sense of anxiety. Any sensations or motions that you identify are valuable, because disregarding or disconnecting from the body often makes us neglect our needs and intensifies feelings of not having enough. In my couples therapy work, there was a recent session in which the husband was telling his partner how she wasn’t doing enough. Just before they could get into their usual loop of arguments, I gently interrupted and asked him, “What do you feel in your body right now?” His answer was “sadness.” Identifying his sadness made his anger melt away. In that moment, he realized it wasn’t that she wasn’t doing enough — he wasn’t giving himself enough. He neglected the attention he needed to care for his own emotions. They hugged and held each other for the next few minutes. It was a transformational moment in their journey.
2. Address the deeper feelings — The sense of not feeling like you have enough or that you aren’t doing enough often covers up deeper feelings based in fear and insecurity. When I tune into my body while I think about not having enough money or followers on social media, I sense my body becoming smaller — actually shrinking. I then ask myself, “Why do I feel smaller without these external things? What am I making it mean about me?” It instantly brings me back to a younger age when I was bullied and humiliated at home or at school — being told I’m not smart enough or good enough. It’s not even related to my present reality, where I know I am making a significant impact in the world.
3. Embody “enoughness” — Maybe you have an amazing relationship and career success, but it doesn’t feel like enough. You might’ve spent some time talking about it in therapy or trying to list why it’s enough, but you just don’t feel it. Instead, your body has a sense of emptiness or lifelessness. Words won’t really change that. Close your eyes and envision a version of your life in which you feel like you are enough and everything you have is enough. How are you holding yourself in your body differently? How are you gesturing differently in your relationships? Literally see your body moving through this scenario. Then invite movement in and actually move it. How are you moving differently as you practice it? Are you moving more slowly? Do you hold your head up higher? Are you walking with more bounce in your step? Even if you don’t fully believe you are / have enough yet, start embodying this version of you. When you begin to hold yourself and move and embody this version of you, you’re already living it. And when you think about it, nothing externally actually changed, but you’ve changed the way you feel inside and are expressing that through your body.
4. Listen to your inner-wisdom first — Our thoughts are so often influenced by marketing and social media that we can forget what really feels true and in line with who we are. You may follow an influencer who says that you have to be strong and tough in order to be successful. Or that you need to be vulnerable and soft to have a thriving relationship. It’s not that simple or straightforward; different situations and relationships call for different types of action. Stop putting so much stock in what other people are telling you to do and listen to the wisdom of your body. If you’re acting in a different way than your body truly wants, you WILL be unsatisfied. In a recent group session with some clients, I guided them to embody healthy relationship boundaries. When they first named what they thought those should be — strong, firm, resolute — it was completely different than what their bodies revealed. Many of my clients in that session were surprised. Their bodies did, in fact, move in a way that was firm as their minds theorized, but when they allowed their body to lead them through unplanned movement, they found they also moved in a way that was soft and inviting to the others in the group — and that they were interacting through movement in a way that resembled a “give-and-take” rather than hard-and-fast boundaries. When they brought this approach to their real-life relationships, the give-and-take conversation about boundaries with their partners brought them so much more satisfaction than flat-out saying, “These are my boundaries. You better respect them.”
5. Forgive yourself. None of us is immune to the external messages of not having enough. I consider myself to be healed with a strong regulated nervous system, yet I still get triggered by messages that I’m not doing enough. But I keep that feeling healthy and don’t let it spiral into unhealthy obsession or anxiety by not making myself feel bad about it — not beating myself up like my past abusers did. By giving myself love and compassion instead, I continue to break the trauma cycle that’s so prevalent in my generation — and what’s become highly common in society — that often says we need to punish ourselves for making mistakes and for not being perfect. How do I give myself love and compassion? Sometimes it’s as simple as a self-hug or holding myself; resting instead of pushing or forcing myself to get everything done on my to-do list; or taking myself out on a hike or other adventure. It doesn’t take much, but it has to be sincere.

Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources that have inspired you to live with more joy in life?

“The Four Agreements,” by Don Michael Ruiz. It’s a wonderful read, explaining how everything we do is based on agreements we have made — agreements with ourselves, with other people, with God, and with life. According to Mr. Ruiz, the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves.

There is a specific part that changed my life in which he talks about how much we punish ourselves for something we already feel bad about, so why do we need to make ourselves feel bad twice, three times, or more? The punishment is the mistake or the mess-up itself. Best to forgive ourselves and move on.

As far as a podcast, I really enjoy “The Joe Rogan Experience.” Not only is the content fabulous, but to me, Joe Rogan is the embodiment of “there is no stupid question.” I just love the way he asks whatever question comes to him, and how open he is to hearing the answer. This is especially inspiring to me as someone who never felt safe or courageous enough to ask questions when I was younger.

You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

I suppose like many people, I have grandiose ideas of the kinds of movements, companies, or foundations I could create that would have a major impact on the world. But then I realize that, in terms of what I can do to bring the greatest benefit to the largest number of people, I’m already doing it. Through my business, I’m helping people heal their trauma and find more peace in their bodies, which leads to love and compassion for themselves. But it isn’t just for themselves. Ultimately, it has a ripple effect. I see how my clients are able to improve their relationships with their kids, their employers (or employees), friends, relatives, everyone. So really, when it comes to doing the greatest possible good in the world — at least for me — I’ve already found the movement where I can create the greatest impact.

Scarcity-based marketing spreads fear and dissatisfaction very quickly; love, compassion and generosity can spread just as quickly. If I were to actually start a movement of some kind, it would be based on the concept of “pay it forward” — doing compassionate, kind things for others who would then do them for others as well. And the reward would be knowing that you have injected some love, however small, into someone’s else’s world. Maybe I’m not a person of great influence, but I believe I can help people who do have great influence, and they can spread my message to a much wider sphere.

What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?

I would love to invite your readers to visit my website, which is https://oritkrug.com/. They’ll find inspiring client stories, an explanation of my programs, blogs with eye-opening information about trauma & relationships, links to my social media channels, and more.

This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.

About The Interviewer: For 30 years, Drew Gerber has been inspiring those who want to change the world. Drew is the CEO of Wasabi Publicity, Inc., a full-service PR agency lauded by PR Week and Good Morning America. Wasabi Publicity, Inc. is a global marketing company that supports industry leaders, change agents, unconventional thinkers, companies and organizations that strive to make a difference. Whether it’s branding, traditional PR or social media marketing, every campaign is instilled with passion, creativity and brilliance to powerfully tell their clients’ story and amplify their intentions in the world. Schedule a free consultation at WasabiPublicity.com/Choosing-Publicity.