I Can’t Get No Satisfaction: Therapist Stephanie Gilbert On Why So Many Of Us Are Feeling Unsatisfied & What We Can Do About It
An Interview With Drew Gerber
Gratitude is a tool that works. An easy way to do this is to write down three things you are grateful for each day. Practicing gratitude helps increase our well-being, improve our mental health, and build life satisfaction. Acknowledging gratitude for what we have also takes us out of the constant urge to get more.
From an objective standpoint, we are living in an unprecedented era of abundance. Yet so many of us are feeling unsatisfied. Why are we seemingly so insatiable? What is going on inside of us that is making us feel unsatisfied? What is the brain chemistry that makes us feel this way? Is our brain wired for endless insatiable consumption? What can we do about it? In this interview series, we are talking to credentialed experts such as psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, brain science experts, as well as spiritual and religious leaders, and mind-body-spirit coaches, to address why so many of us are feeling unsatisfied & what we can do about it.
As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Stephanie Gilbert, LMFT, BICBT-CC.
Stephanie Gilbert, LMFT, BICBT-CC is a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Florida. She specializes in treating anxiety, OCD, depression, and eating disorders. She is also a Beck Certified CBT Clinician and EMDR trained.
Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive in, our readers would love to know how you got from “there to here.” Inspire us with your backstory!
Thank you so much for having me! To share a bit about me, I grew up in a small town in central Illinois and moved to Los Angeles after college. That was a big deal, moving by myself from a town of less than 30,000 to one of the biggest cities in the US. It was the scariest and most rewarding decision of my life. After a few years of living in LA and consulting with a trusted mentor about what I wanted to do in my career, I decided to get my masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University and specialized in spiritual and depth psychology. I was drawn to this specialization because initially I wanted to study the connections between Buddhism and psychology. I ended up not only studying Buddhism and psychology in France but also the connection between spirituality and medicine in Brazil during my masters program.
As I was finishing my masters, I started training as a therapist in a community mental clinic then worked in a few treatment centers before moving to private practice. The process of gaining hours to get your license in California is a long process, and at times I worked two jobs while I was volunteering my time gaining clinical hours in community mental health. I wouldn’t trade any part of the experience though — it’s made me who I am as a therapist today.
I became a therapist because therapy changed my life. I would not be where I am today without having a therapist who supported me through my own mental health struggles. As a teen and young adult I struggled with an eating disorder and OCD. Growing up in a small town in central Illinois, it wasn’t easy to access the specialized care I needed. Mental health care just wasn’t something that was talked about. I consider myself lucky that my family was supportive of me getting the mental health treatment I needed after they found out the extent I was suffering. I think my own personal experience has caused me to be passionate about the mental health field and work towards normalizing conversations around mental health. I work towards eliminating the stigma and shame in suffering with mental health symptoms everyday in my career in part because I know what it’s like to suffer. My hope is that in the future mental health care could be accessible for everyone and it can be normalized to seek care when symptoms arise.
What lessons would you share with yourself if you had the opportunity to meet your younger self?
I would continue to dream as big as I could because now I know that those big dreams I had back then are my motivations now. I will also keep in mind to treat myself the way I want others to treat me. I show my value to the world, the world doesn’t give me my value.
None of us are able to experience success without support along the way. Is there a particular person for whom you are grateful because of the support they gave you to grow you from “there to here?” Can you share that story and why you are grateful for them?
There are so many people that have supported me throughout my journey. I would not be where I am today without many people’s support, and I consider myself incredibly privileged to have the level of support I have. One person that stands out is my mother. She’s someone that is encouraging me when I doubt myself. I also got the message from her that I could do anything a man could do, whether that be go get a masters degree or start a business. I only recently understood what an impact it has on a person when they have someone in their lives that tells them they can do anything — and she is that person for me. From moving across the country, to getting my masters, to opening my own business, she’s been supportive and told me I could do it.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think it might help people?
Yes, I’m excited to share I’m working on a Patreon page! It’s not live yet, but I intend for it to be a place to learn more about mental health, and an inclusive platform to interact and build community. Making mental health topics accessible is so important, and using a platform like Patreon will allow me to offer a wide variety of topics including talking about signs and symptoms of mental health diagnoses, reviewing different treatment modalities, and tips and tricks to do things like how to find a therapist for the first time or self care ideas during challenging life transitions. What excites me the most though, is that building this community will hopefully be a tool to de-stigmatize mental health and normalize conversations about mental health. I’m looking forward to interacting with everyone, and plan to do live videos as well!
Ok, thank you for sharing your inspired life. Let’s now talk about feeling “unsatisfied”. In the Western world, humans typically have their shelter, food, and survival needs met. What has led to us feeling we aren’t enough and don’t have enough? What is the wiring? Or in other words, how has nature and nurture played into how humans (in an otherwise “safe and secure” environment) experience feeling less than, or a need to have more than what is needed for basic survival?
This issue of feeling “unsatisfied” is becoming more and more common, and a reason why people are seeking therapy. From a psychological perspective, human brains are wiring for survival, finding solutions, and short term rewards. Which is useful if we’re in a life and death situation or need to work to gather food and find shelter. But for those of us fortunate enough to have our basic needs met, we still have the same brain wiring. So, after the problem of finding shelter, food, clothing, etc. are solved, then the brain turns to other things it can identify as problems.
Combine how the brain works with how our society now operates. We’re told to go to school to get a job. Then you have a job so you can pay bills. Most of us don’t have much vacation time either, instead making work, achievements, and accumulating the signs of success a priority. We’re surviving but are we thriving? Many of us are left feeling empty.
This is a brief overview of how nature (our brain chemistry) and nurture (our society) can create the perfect scenario for humans to feel less than if they don’t have whatever is being advertised as the thing that will give you happiness, and also constantly keep you in a state of wanting.
I’d also note that it isn’t just consumable goods that can cause this. It can be career goals, relationships, and anything else that we’ve been told leads to a happy, satisfying existence. When this wanting or craving is taken to the extreme, we label it as addiction. Often people work so hard for what they have in their lives only to feel empty, like they must be missing something because they don’t feel the feelings they thought they would once they achieved their goals.
How are societies different? For example, capitalistic societies trade differently than communists. Developed nations trade differently than developing nations. In your opinion, how does society shape a human’s experience and feelings of satisfaction?
I would also think that living in a society without the sheer amount of wealth would limit the extent a human could stay on the never ending cycle of trying to get “enough” to be satisfied. Societies that focus more on qualities like gratitude and finding purpose would most likely do better on a life satisfaction scale. Also, societies that focus more on building communities and including all members in community would also fare better.
With a specific focus on brain function, how has the brain and its dominion over the body and beliefs been impacted by the societal construct?
We know from cognitive behavior therapy that thoughts, feelings, and behaviors all influence each other. Also, we tend to take things we hear regularly as truth when in reality they may be cognitive distortions. For these reasons, if our societal constructs leave us feeling lacking and like we never have “enough” to be satisfied, it’s often difficult for people to challenge that construct.
Do you think the way our society markets and advertises goods and services, has affected people’s feelings of satisfaction? Can you explain what you mean?
For the majority of us, yes. I remember in my first CBT class in my masters program we actually looked at marketing and how it’s designed to impact us on an emotional level. I don’t necessarily think that’s a good or bad thing, it’s just something important for us to know.
This is also bringing to mind the minimalist movement; those that are downsizing their living spaces and decreasing the amount they’re consuming in general to increase their life satisfaction. Now, I don’t believe we all need to become minimalists for optimal mental health, but perhaps moving towards being more conscious consumers while focusing on other aspects of our life might be helpful. It’s more about balance than all or nothing thinking.
How is the wiring of the brain, body, and beliefs shaped by marketing, language, and how humans trade?
I would think it’s all intertwined. We’ve created all the marketing, language, and trading practices. And to a large extent, that’s a good thing. We’ve created systems to meet people’s needs. But again, I believe it’s about balance. Whenever something is out of balance it can cause issues for us. So, if we’re hyper-focused on getting or achieving the next “thing,” there’s a large chance that when we get that “thing” it will feel good in the moment, but not last.
I work in marketing so I’m very cognizant of this question. In your opinion, how do you think marketing professionals can be more responsible for how their advertising shapes humans’ health and experience of happiness overall?
That’s an interesting question. I think in some ways marketing professionals are taking steps to be more conscientious of our health and happiness. For instance, more inclusive marketing has become more of the norm, such as seeing different body types in clothing advertisements. Also marketing products that are more sustainable with less negative impact to the environment have become increasingly common as demand for these products grows. But I believe it’s everyone’s responsibility overall to think about the impact our actions have, not just marketing professionals. In fact, all of us can take steps to be more conscious of our consuming behaviors and work towards building a more sustainable way of feeling satisfied with life.
For you personally, if you have all your basic needs met, do you feel you have enough in life?
Having my basic needs met is such a blessing — there are so many that don’t, and I’m grateful to say mine are. But in a way, no, I wouldn’t have enough in life if only my basic needs were met. It brings to mind Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. We know that when a human’s basic needs are met, we move on to needs such as the need to feel a part of a community, and to feel loved. So, I would say, if my basic needs are met and I have people in my life that are important to me and I feel loved, then I have enough in life.
Okay, fantastic. Here is the main question of our interview: Can you share with our readers your “5 things we can each do to address the feeling of not having enough.” Please share a story or example for each.
- Explore where the feeling comes from.
Discovering more about yourself can lead to greater life satisfaction. For example, a person might ask themselves, “Why am I so focused on this next job promotion?” They might answer that they think it will also give them a raise and a better job title. Then ask “What am I expecting from this job promotion?” If the answer is to pay off some debt and make their financial situation less stressful, then they might decide that a promotion will add to their quality of life. However, if they think the promotion will help them feel more confident because they’ll be able to buy that fancy car their best friend has, then perhaps looking deeper into why they don’t feel confident now deserves their attention. A fancy car might be nice, but it isn’t to tool to build self-confidence.
2. Ask yourself if this is a need, want, or craving.
Examining our motivations for behaviors can give us important insight if we’re feeling unsatisfied. Try breaking down motivations into needs, wants, or cravings. Ideally, we are meeting our needs, meeting some wants, and questioning the cravings. For example, a person needs to buy food at the grocery store on the way home so they have something for dinner, they want to go out to eat because they don’t want to cook, but they’re craving an alcoholic drink because they want to relax but they’ve been sober two months. That person needs to get food for dinner and based on their choosing they could go to the grocery store or out for a meal. Either choice would meet the need and as long as it’s in their budget to go out to eat, they could do what they wanted in this example. However, if this person is sober and craving alcohol to relax, then they could address the craving by doing something like calling their sponsor rather than giving in to the craving. Cravings don’t lead to happiness, and often fulfilling cravings leave us with more problems than solutions.
3. Be in the present moment.
When we talk about life satisfaction, we’re talking about feeling satisfied with the present moment. Not waiting to be happy until you graduate, get married, get that next job, or buy that house. NOW. And the only way to be satisfied in the present moment is to actually be in the present moment. A way to ease into this practice is to take three deep breaths while taking in what’s currently around you. For some, they want to start a mindfulness practice or start meditating. But taking three breaths can be done anywhere and all of us can find 15 seconds in our day to take a moment to be present. Try doing it a few times a day and gradually increase the amount of time you practice this skill.
4. Practice Gratitude.
Gratitude is a tool that works. An easy way to do this is to write down three things you are grateful for each day. Practicing gratitude helps increase our well-being, improve our mental health, and build life satisfaction. Acknowledging gratitude for what we have also takes us out of the constant urge to get more.
5. Give back.
This principle also works to improve our mental health and increase life satisfaction. It also helps us feel connected to others. Giving back can be actually going and volunteering somewhere, it might be making a donation to a cause you believe in, it might be helping the neighbor down the street mow their lawn. Actions like this can also give us a sense of belonging and purpose, which also increases life satisfaction.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources that have inspired you to live with more joy in life?
Working from my home office, music is something I go to a lot. Lizzo, Florence and the Machine, and Lady Gaga can all lift my mood and make me want to dance! It’s also something I can do if I need a little joy break in between sessions. And on a personal note, having dogs has taught me a lot about joy. I have two Maltipoos, Moxie and Daisy, and watching them play and just the pure joy they have about life makes me smile every day.
My profession is rather serious, and it can be easy to get discouraged or think about the challenges we face in the mental health industry. When I want to be inspired, I also take a moment to notice all the good that’s being done. For instance, since you asked about joy, there’s a non-profit I recently found called The Joyful Heart Foundation, that’s working towards ending the rape kit backlog and working to educate the public about sexual assault. I find it inspiring that Mariska Hargitay made it her mission to start this foundation. The foundation’s message of hope and knowing that there are others as passionate about making this world a better place lifts me up when I’m feeling discouraged and gives me joy.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
I would start a “Choose Empathy” movement. I believe that most of us are doing the very best we can with what we have. And I have learned that once you listen to what someone’s been through — the good and the bad, and you put yourself in their place, you can understand why they’ve made the decisions they have and how they feel. That’s empathy — understanding another person. The issue I think some run into is they try to empathize from their own experience, so they view the other person still from the lens of their own experience. But having empathy has nothing to do with us, Empathy is when we focus on the other person without our own biases. If we did that more, I think the world would be a much better place.
What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
My website, stephaniegilbertmft.com, stays up to date with my recent work and has my email and phone number. Also, my Instagram is @stephaniegilbertmft is another way to follow my work. Soon my Patreon will be open too, and I hope that will be another way I can connect with all of you as well!
This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.
Thank you so much for the opportunity and for being a platform to share this important information.
About The Interviewer: For 30 years, Drew Gerber has been inspiring those who want to change the world. Drew is the CEO of Wasabi Publicity, Inc., a full-service PR agency lauded by PR Week and Good Morning America. Wasabi Publicity, Inc. is a global marketing company that supports industry leaders, change agents, unconventional thinkers, companies and organizations that strive to make a difference. Whether it’s branding, traditional PR or social media marketing, every campaign is instilled with passion, creativity and brilliance to powerfully tell their clients’ story and amplify their intentions in the world. Schedule a free consultation at WasabiPublicity.com/Choosing-Publicity.
