I Can’t Get No Satisfaction: Tom Joanes Of ‘Life in Full’ On Why So Many Of Us Are Feeling Unsatisfied & What We Can Do About It

An Interview With Drew Gerber

… First, be grateful for what you have. If you do nothing else, be grateful for who and what you already have, and the feeling of not having enough will fade away. Easy to say. How do you do it? Lose your sense of entitlement. I say this aloud every morning: “I am entitled to nothing. Everyone and everything is a gift. I am grateful for every gift.”

From an objective standpoint, we are living in an unprecedented era of abundance. Yet so many of us are feeling unsatisfied. Why are we seemingly so insatiable? What is going on inside of us that is making us feel unsatisfied? What is the brain chemistry that makes us feel this way? Is our brain wired for endless insatiable consumption? What can we do about it? In this interview series, we are talking to credentialed experts such as psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, brain science experts, as well as spiritual and religious leaders, and mind-body-spirit coaches, to address why so many of us are feeling unsatisfied & what we can do about it.

As a part of this series, I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Tom Joanes.

Tom is a 5th degree black belt Aikido instructor with almost 30 years of training. He leveraged his Aikido background with his high-performing sales career to create The LIF Management System™, (LIF stands for Life in Full). He now helps executives, entrepreneurs and leaders intentionally create, live and leave their legacy in the areas of life that matter most to them — faith, family, friends, health, wealth, work and fun. Essentially, Tom helps this high-performing niche create more impact, more work-life harmony, and more fulfillment — with LESS effort.

Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series! Before we dive in, our readers would love to know how you got from “there to here.” Inspire us with your backstory!

My friend Victor died when we were 17 years old.

It was September. We had both just started college. He was at the Air Force Academy. An athlete. He collapsed on the tennis court. Died of a heart attack. Turned out he had a congenital heart defect.

I learned early on…We are NOT entitled to tomorrow.

2005. I was riding high on life, an immigrant living the American dream. I was married with 2 young boys, on the verge of 6-figure income. Just bought a brand-new home, using home equity to invest in real estate, running a dojo, and taking advantage of many opportunities being thrown my way.

2010. The housing bubble burst. Lost my house to foreclosure. Filed for bankruptcy and worst of all, I was headed for divorce, because I had neglected the most important area of my life.

That was a big wake up call for me and I realized 3 Things:

1. I was super busy chasing NOISE…making decisions based on opportunity, instead of alignment.
2. My achievements weren’t fulfilling because I was more concerned about chasing money and social status, than I was about creating value and impact.
3. But the BIGGEST GUT PUNCH was looking in the mirror and realizing I wasn’t being the example I wanted to be for my children. And that KILLED ME!

Deep down I knew I was meant for more. I knew I was called to more, personally, and professionally.

And I was FURIOUS!!!

Because at that point, I had invested well over $100,000 in personal and professional development programs.

And I felt like they all FAILED ME!

Most of these personal and professional development programs focused on priorities. A rare few touched on purpose. But none of them could show how priorities and purpose fit together.

Then it hit me! It’s not enough to work on your priorities OR your purpose. You have to align priorities WITH purpose. HOLISTICALLY. Across ALL the areas of life that matter most to you: faith, family, friends, health, wealth, work and fun.

But there wasn’t anything out there like that. So I was forced to figure it out for myself.

Fast forward seven to eight years.

My stress, chaos and despair transformed to calm, harmony, and joy.

Over those seven to eight years, with lots of blood, sweat and tears, and lots of trial and error, I had applied my experience as a martial artist, entrepreneur, and a high-performing salesperson to build a system that brought me hope, joy and peace.

12 years later, the results still amaze me…

• I’ve over quadrupled revenue production in my sales job, almost tripled my income, all while working 50–60% less hours.
• I got myself in the best shape I’ve been in 25 years, losing 4+ inches of belly fat, and am back into a 30” waist.
• By the grace of God, I’ve gone from the brink of divorce, to the happiest I’ve been in 23 years of marriage.
• And, I went from not making it to many of my kids’ games back in 2010, to making over 90% of them during their high school years.

But my biggest “Aha” moment was when I realized that achieving goals was not the goal. Goals are merely a tool to move me in the DIRECTION I want to go. And that direction for me is one of contribution and impact. And when I achieve goals that ALIGN with the direction I want to go, I feel fulfilled.

Which is why if I died right now, I would die in peace because I know that every day, I took a minimum of one step in the direction I wanted to go. Intentionally. In the areas of life that mattered most to me — faith, family, friends, health, wealth, work, and fun. That I left my legacy by design, not by default.

That feels good. Really good!

What lessons would you share with yourself if you had the opportunity to meet your younger self?

Ensure the career you choose allows you to live where you want and moves you toward the lifestyle you want.

Shorten your learning curve. Don’t ask “How” to do something? Ask “Who” is the expert and ask them “How” they do it?

Trust your gut over expert advice.

Create a safe place to fail, which creates a faster path to learn and grow. How? Re-frame everything you do as an experiment from which you can walk away. Try stuff out, collect your data points, anchor and adjust. Disqualify what doesn’t work as fast as you possibly can.

None of us are able to experience success without support along the way. Is there a particular person for whom you are grateful because of the support they gave you to grow you from “there to here?” Can you share that story and why you are grateful for them?

My East Indian family moved from Kenya to the United States when I was 7 years old. We didn’t have much money. Generous folks from our church gave us used furniture and hand-me down clothes for many of our first years in America. My parents, especially my dad, faced discrimination in the workplace. And yet he loved this country.

He told me that America was a great country, and that I could have anything I wanted, if I was willing to pay the price. I started a paper route when I was 9 years old and have been working ever since to earn the life and lifestyle I want for myself and my family.

My dad was always my pushing me to be my best — in school and sports, and especially as a man of integrity. Even taking a Bic pen from the office was stealing.

After I got married and had kids, I would call him on my drive to work, and he would still push me to be a better husband, father, and man. I would push back, just like I did when I was a kid.

So much of who I am as a man, husband and father is because of his example and guidance. My dad passed away in 2011. My gratitude for him continues to grow.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think it might help people?

Yes, I’m working with a married couple, who are dear friends and small business owners. I’m helping them plan and execute the intentional legacy they want to leave personally and professionally. A big part of that is phasing down or out of their business lives, along with reducing and removing anything that doesn’t align with the legacy they want to leave. I get to help them set themselves up so they can enjoy the life and lifestyle they want, in the locations they want, in the timelines they want. And I’m fanatic about helping them do it all with minimum effort for maximum effect — a mindset derived from almost 30 years of my Aikido training.

Helping people intentionally live and leave their legacy is my passion and where I can contribute at my highest levels. It’s my calling and I feel so honored that my friends chose me to help them with something to important to them — something that will impact generations.

Ok, thank you for sharing your inspired life. Let’s now talk about feeling “unsatisfied”. In the Western world, humans typically have their shelter, food, and survival needs met. What has led to us feeling we aren’t enough and don’t have enough? What is the wiring? Or in other words, how has nature and nurture played into how humans (in an otherwise “safe and secure” environment) experience feeling less than, or a need to have more than what is needed for basic survival?

I’m fortunate to have spent time in the Eastern and Western worlds. In the Eastern world, people seem to embody more of a “work to live” mindset, whereas in the Western world seem to embody more of a “live to work” mindset.

In the United States particularly, we are conditioned to chase the American dream — big money, big house, nice cars, beautiful bodies, and the list goes on and on. Even when we achieve some of those things, we hear voices telling us that we should want even more. And while we may achieve a lot, many of our accomplishments feel hollow. Many of my clients told me that before they started working with me, they felt like they were winning the game, but wondered if they were playing the right game.

I would venture to say that everyone reading this article has already met their basic needs met for food, shelter, and clothing. I believe human beings also have a deep need to live a purpose driven life. But while the need for food, shelter, and clothing is self-evident, the need to live a purpose driven life is not so self-evident, and definitely not talked about in schools or the workplace.

The result is that people try to find fulfillment by chasing more surface level things like money and social status. And when those things don’t bring them the deeper fulfillment they crave, they are left wandering and directionless. And keep hearing that voice in their head saying, “I’m not good enough!”

I know because I was one of those people, and still am to a degree, because I still hear that voice in my head sometimes saying, “I’m not good enough.” But it’s much less often now.

I have found that when my goals and achievements are aligned with purpose, and the impact I want to create, then my accomplishments bring me fulfillment in the deepest possible ways. So much so that I worry less about the goals I achieve and concern myself more about the direction I am going.

Bottom line. We can’t control the genetics we’ve inherited. But if we’re purposeful, we can nurture our way towards a more intentional, deeply fulfilling life. And if we cultivate awareness by asking better, deeper questions, we’ll know when we have enough, and realize that even our “enough” is more than enough.

How are societies different? For example, capitalistic societies trade differently than communists. Developed nations trade differently than developing nations. In your opinion, how does society shape a human’s experience and feelings of satisfaction?

I believe society plays a huge role in what we expect out of life, as well as how we experience and respond to life. For example, Asian societies tend to be more collectivistic, in which being generous, helpful, and taking care of other is valued highly. Conversely, Western societies tend to be more individualistic and value independence, standing out, the needs of the individual over the needs of a group as a whole.

Research has shown that Asian countries have lower levels of well-being (which is a form of satisfaction), compared to Western countries like the United States.

All of which show that society’s nurture role plays a huge role in shaping our experience and feelings of satisfaction.

With a specific focus on brain function, how has the brain and its dominion over the body and beliefs been impacted by the societal construct?

More and more, our societal construct tells us that our mind controls our body and our beliefs. I believe that we are just beginning to tap into the potential of what our brains and minds are capable of controlling. It’s amazing to me that I can be in a doctor’s office and that I can reduce my heart rate and blood pressure with some simple breathing and meditation exercises.

There will always be some things that genetics will override. But there’s more and more science out there showing that although we are genetically pre-disposed to a certain disease, mental or bodily function, we have some control over whether that genetic pre-disposition manifests itself.

I love that we are increasing society’s belief that we have more control of our body and beliefs than we ever thought possible. Applying this knowledge and getting incremental proof that it works will be tremendously empowering, and lead to greater satisfaction because people will believe that they can control more and more of the outcomes they want in terms of their body and their beliefs.

Do you think the way our society markets and advertises goods and services, has affected people’s feelings of satisfaction? Can you explain what you mean?

Most definitely. Here in the United States, we’re bombarded with marketing messages that tell us we always need more. Nothing is ever enough. We are never enough.

I believe we must intentionally define what and when is “enough” for ourselves, rather than let society dictate that. But that takes the kind of pause, awareness, and introspection that most people don’t cultivate…which leaves them vulnerable and victim to the marketing messages of their society.

How is the wiring of the brain, body, and beliefs shaped by marketing, language, and how humans trade?

It’s a deeply complex and scientific question and it seems to me that only psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, and brain science experts (out of the group you list) would have the experience/expertise to answer it.

That said, I’m sure that the way marketers promote their products changes us in both physiological and emotional ways.

I work in marketing so I’m very cognizant of this question. In your opinion, how do you think marketing professionals can be more responsible for how their advertising shapes humans’ health and experience of happiness overall?

I believe that marketing professionals should operate with integrity. Focus on matching products with people. Marketing has the power to convince people to buy a product that doesn’t match them, which won’t be satisfying.

Then, in my utopia, marketing people would only market products that bring out the best in people. There are obviously many interpretations of what bringing out the best means, but if bringing out the best in the primary focus, people will feel and experience the results of that focus. And some of those results will better health and happiness overall.

Bring out the best in their target market — and do it with integrity. That’s how I believe marketing professionals can be more responsible.

For you personally, if you have all your basic needs met, do you feel you have enough in life?

No. Having my basic needs of food, shelter and clothing met is not enough for me.

I have a deep need to contribute at my highest levels. To create the unique value and impact that only I can because of my genetics and life experience. To bring out the best in others. To live the life to which I am called.

Having worried about money for much of my life, I’d also like to be in a place where I don’t have to worry about money.

Bringing out the best in my Aikido students and my coaching clients brings me so much joy that I would do them both for free, if I could live the lifestyle I wanted.

I’m not there yet, but I’m blessed to be moving in the right direction. That’s enough for me.

Okay, fantastic. Here is the main question of our interview: Can you share with our readers your “5 things we can each do to address the feeling of not having enough.”

Sure I’ll give you an overview, then get into a little more detail on each of the 5 things.

1. Be grateful for what you have.
2. Get clear on your purpose.
3. Align priorities with purpose and take action.
4. Track your progress.
5. Celebrate your progress.

First, be grateful for what you have. If you do nothing else, be grateful for who and what you already have, and the feeling of not having enough will fade away. Easy to say. How do you do it? Lose your sense of entitlement. I say this aloud every morning:

“I am entitled to nothing. Everyone and everything is a gift. I am grateful for every gift.”

Second, get clear on your purpose. In every area of life that matters most to you — faith, family, friends, health, wealth, work, and fun. If you don’t, you’ll simply wander through life without intentional direction. And while that may bring you some satisfaction, it’s unlikely to bring you the fulfillment you crave.

How do you get clear on your purpose? Simply ask yourself, “What’s the impact I want to create in each of those areas before I die?” That’s the process I facilitate for my clients and it’s much easier to answer than “What’s my purpose?” in any of those areas.

Third, align priorities with purpose and take action! I break this into three parts. Create a simple plan that aligns priorities with your purpose and creating the impact to which you’re called.

Part 1: Brainstorm the essential actions you need to take to move towards the impact you want to create — and do that within the seven area of your life — faith, family, friends, health, wealth, work and fun. This step aligns priorities with purpose in each of the seven areas of your life.

Part 2: Choose the one or two essential actions you’ve brainstormed and ensure they meet the SMEAT criteria. SMEAT stands for Specific, Measurable, Essential, Attainable and Time Sensitive. It’s my iteration on a SMART plan. But how do you choose only one or two actions to start with? I coach my clients to look at all the essential actions within their grid and ask themselves, “Out of all of these, which one or two are weighing most on my mind?” Choose those. Because when you remove what’s weighing on your mind, you free yourself up for higher level thinking and action.

Part 3: Take action. Take the next step immediately, which will create momentum and create a feedback loop for you.

The fourth thing you need to do is track your progress. Specifically, track your progress towards purpose. Most people, especially high-performers, don’t bother to track or acknowledge their progress, their incremental wins. But science has shown tracking progress helps accelerate AND amplify that progress. “

The more frequently people experience a sense of progress, the more productive they will be.” — Harvard Business Review.

It’s a pretty simple formula: Take action + track your progress = accelerate and amplify your progress.

The fifth and final thing to do is to celebrate your progress. Again, most people, especially high-performers, don’t bother to celebrate their incremental wins, their progress. But the science shows that celebration activates the reward center of our brains and releases endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine (Psychology Today). If you apply the science, you can intentionally celebrate to trigger and tie those feel-good neurochemicals to your progress. Which hardwires your neuropathways to want to create more progress. Essentially, you’re intentionally using dopamine and those other neurochemicals to help you accelerate and amplify your progress. How freaking powerful is that!!!

So, that’s it. 5 Things.

1. Be grateful for what you have.
2. Get clear on your purpose.
3. Align priorities with purpose and take action.
4. Track your progress towards purpose.
5. Celebrate your progress towards purpose.

Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources that have inspired you to live with more joy in life?

There’s a Bible verse in the book of John where Jesus says, “I came that you may have life, and life in full.” There are various translations to that, but I always wanted “life in full”. Life in full brings me great joy!

I heard a quote that said, “If it doesn’t bring you joy, let it go,” or something to that effect. I don’t remember who said that, but it’s a very powerful filter. The older I get, the more I apply that principle. And I end up with less quantity and more quality, which brings me much more joy!

Lose your sense of entitlement and gratitude will be your result. For me, the more grateful I am, the more joy and peace I have in my life.

I wish I could point you to a favorite book, podcast or resource that I could point to as inspiration, especially because they might be helpful for your community. But honestly, for me, it’s really about intentional presence and discipline to those 3 things:

1. “I came that you may have life, and life in full.”
2. “If it doesn’t bring you joy, let it go.”
3. Lose your sense of entitlement and gratitude will be your result.

You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

I would start a movement, and hope that I already have, for people to increase their gratitude by lowering their sense of entitlement. I believe that the more people embody gratitude, they more they ENJOY the life they work so hard for.

I wrote a blog post called “HOW To Be More Grateful In 3 Simple Steps” back during COVID in 2020. Everyone spouts off that you should be more grateful, but there’s almost no guidance on how. And if there is guidance, it’s usually surface level crap that’s doesn’t stick. This blog post is deep. Here’s a quote from it: “The opposite of gratitude is entitlement. A sense of entitlement is what keeps me from feeling grateful.”

So there you go, if you want a sticky way to embody more gratitude in your life, I hope you will find this blog post helpful. But know that I’m not attached to be your solution for gratitude. I’m only attached that you find a solution that works for you.

What is the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?

Thanks for asking. If anything in this article resonates with your readers, have them go here and drop in their contact info. I don’t have a fancy website with all the things I do…yet. Right now, I’m just focused on listening to the core of what my tribe wants and delivering impactful results, in less time, with less effort.

This was very inspiring. Thank you so much for the time you spent on this. We wish you only continued success.

About The Interviewer: For 30 years, Drew Gerber has been inspiring those who want to change the world. Drew is the CEO of Wasabi Publicity, Inc., a full-service PR agency lauded by PR Week and Good Morning America. Wasabi Publicity, Inc. is a global marketing company that supports industry leaders, change agents, unconventional thinkers, companies and organizations that strive to make a difference. Whether it’s branding, traditional PR or social media marketing, every campaign is instilled with passion, creativity and brilliance to powerfully tell their clients’ story and amplify their intentions in the world.