Ideas in the Wild: Dr. Nancy Dome is Resolving Conflict by Helping Us Engage in Empathetic Dialogue

When it comes to hard topics, effective communication skills are an asset, vulnerability is necessary, and forgiveness is vital. In Let’s Talk About Race (And Other Hard Things), communication expert and equity consultant Dr. Nancy Dome provides a framework to recognize feelings, interrupt flawed patterns, and repair relationships.

Utilized in business, education, and communities throughout the country, Dr. Dome’s process makes space for vulnerability, helps participants engage in empathetic dialogue, and gives people a way to heal their differences and resolve conflict. I recently caught up with Dr. Dome to learn more about why she wrote the book and the ideas she shares with readers.

Why did you write this book?

When you look at how we communicate today, you could say we’ve come a long way…which we have. You could also say we have a long way to go…which we do. I’ve made it my life’s work to not only understand what’s at the root of our collective inability to communicate effectively, but also to find a way to fix it.

And a fix, by the way, is desperately needed. Today, miscommunication runs rampant across the country. Political correctness has rendered us all but ineffective in our pursuit of communicating with one another. There is more gossip, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and intolerance because we do not actually know how to engage with one another when the going gets tough.

We are great when all is well, but if history has shown us anything, it’s this: all is definitely not always well. What then? Why can’t we just talk?

These are not simple questions with simple answers. We all bring our personalities, learning styles, and lived experiences to the table. These factors and others — such as to whom we’re speaking, power dynamics, and how we feel in the moment — all influence how we communicate, and rightfully so.

There is a path forward, but it can feel indistinct sometimes, especially when it comes to these tricky interactions. So, I’ve developed a protocol that acts as a signpost anyone can use anytime and anywhere they need it. It’s a compass, a gut-check. It’s called the RIR, and I wrote the book to teach people how to use it.

What’s an idea you share that really excites you?

The RIR Protocol itself is really exciting to me, especially since it’s a practical skill to use, not just a theory. It consists of three steps: recognize it, interrupt it, and repair it.

Recognition means noticing what a statement, action, or situation makes you feel. You need to see your reaction when a certain feeling is triggered. Then, you can mitigate that reaction. The goal is to stop reacting and start responding.

If anger is triggered in me, I know if I don’t ride my emotional wave, then my reaction will be more volatile — and probably not productive. In acknowledging feelings that elicit certain emotions and reactions, I can check them before they come out.

Interruption is intended to stop the behavior or action, but in this case comes from a place of curiosity, while also giving yourself time to figure out how to navigate a complex situation. If a statement is super impactful for you, sometimes it’s important simply to share that impact.

For example, you could say, “Wow, that really hit me in a weird way. Can you tell me more?” Or you could say, “Wow, that came off wrong. That hurt my feelings. Why would you say that?” By sharing your response and then asking an open-ended question, you give the other person feedback that guides the conversation.

Repairing is usually an invitation to come back around to the person or the issue and move forward. An interruption can go well, but afterward, people might feel discomfort or find themselves thinking about the conversation and feeling unresolved. If the parties involved don’t reconnect, then even if they have a good initial conversation, the experience ultimately separates them.

The repair phase is about what happens a day, week, or month later — or whenever you next engage with the person or issue. What will you do to heal and move forward? Sometimes the healing is a particular resolution. Sometimes it’s simply reconnecting. If we had a disagreement and I interrupted, then I would reconnect and repair by letting you know we’re okay.

How will implementing your protocol improve your readers’ lives?

One of the biggest benefits of the RIR Protocol is self-care. It offers a way to take care of ourselves and set boundaries regarding how we engage with people and what we allow in our lives. If someone violates those boundaries, we have this process to help us clear the air and move forward.

Staying grounded in the RIR Protocol promotes self-regulation, which leads to self-care. If I can use the RIR Protocol and regulate myself, my choice of words, and how I choose to engage, then others don’t control my feelings or my actions and trigger me. Suddenly I have the ability to care for myself and make my own choices. External factors don’t steer my life, and I can decide whether and when to engage.

Collectively, if we learn to use this protocol within our organizations and groups, we can begin to build trust, safety, and belonging. The RIR Protocol allows us to honor each other and meet people where they are, without expectations about where we want them to be. It allows us to have an honest dialogue — which is something the world desperately needs.