Ideas in the Wild: Emily Bowers On How to Deal with the Childhood Trauma from Our Mothers

For Emily Bowers, betrayal, emotional abuse, manipulation, and even fear prevailed in her early years, and her mother was the source. When love is scarce and tension is high, how do you learn about love and ways to share it? When you’re a cog in a cycle of generational trauma, how do you disrupt harmful patterns and build your own?

How do you become a healthy mom when you never had one?

In Mother Trauma, Emily shares her story to reveal the truth about emotional abuse and its lifelong impact on survivors. She reveals the steps she’s taken to heal old wounds, learn self-love, and grow into the mother she wanted and needed as a child.

She also shares how she released toxic relationships, reached out for support, and knew, above all, that she was never alone. I recently caught up with Emily to learn more about why she wrote the book and the ideas she shares with readers.

Why did you write this book?

People aren’t supposed to say bad things about their mothers. Moms have the hardest jobs. They not only bring new life into the home — they hold the family together. Mothers are sources of light and hugs, kisses and love. A lot of love. We put moms on a pedestal because that’s where they belong. But not all moms. Because some moms are not all these things. Some moms come from families where trauma is passed down from one generation to the next. Households where yelling and shaming and harsh words and cruelty are the norm.

So how do we deal with those moms? How do we broach the subject without feeling judged? Or being seen as ungrateful? Without feeling shame — for where we came from and how we’re handling it? It’s not easy, but I’m going to try. Because I was raised in a home with a mother who wasn’t any of those things a mom is supposed to be. My mother, Jennie, was verbally and emotionally abusive, and it affected me. I had no idea how much until I was an adult. And I had to work very hard to heal myself, to learn to trust, to love. To be a good mother to my own children. And even though it may be taboo to talk about mothers with anything but glowing praise, I’m going to tell the truth — my truth about my mother.

I wrote it for any woman who’s dealing with mother trauma. And for young girls who are living it right now. Mother trauma goes deep, and I don’t know if it ever really goes away. But it gets better. It did for me.

What’s an idea you share that really excites you?

It’s okay to let go of people who are not good for you. When I dropped the guilt of feeling like I needed to have a relationship with Jennie, it changed me as a person. That relationship brought me down, caused me anxiety, led to tears, anger, and even more guilt. I don’t have to have that person in my life — and I don’t have to be the person I was with her in my life.

Once I let go of that relationship, it freed up a lot of space emotionally. I could grow and breathe more freely. I had let go of a burden that never should have been placed on me.

It’s not your responsibility to fix a problem you did not create. If somebody in your family abuses you, it’s not on you to fix them. You are only responsible for yourself. Take pride in that; you have worth. You deserve to be happy and healthy. And you deserve to have a family you love, who loves you — whatever that family looks like.

A family doesn’t have to mean a mom, daddy, and siblings. Happy families come in all shapes, sizes, and variations. Some people have stepchildren; I chose a parent who isn’t my biological mom. You can find family anywhere. Friends, parents, the lady down the road who bakes you cookies every week — whoever you think fits best for you, who gives you what you need in your life.

That feeling and belief — knowing that you are worthy of love, giving love and allowing yourself to be loved — is the best feeling in the world, and every one of us deserves it. If I can get there, anyone can. Reach out. Open that door. The light and the love are on the other side, waiting for you. It’s beautiful. And you deserve it.

How will following your advice improve your readers’ lives?

I want you to know that you’re not the only one who had a bad mom. You’re not the only one trying to break the cycle, to do better for yourself and your children. The more I talk about my past, the more women I meet who have had similar experiences. Some of these women are friends I’ve known for years, who never felt safe confiding in anyone before. Just knowing that they’re not the only one helped them open up.

I hope that if you’re a girl living with an abusive mother, I can help you feel hope again. It doesn’t have to be this way. There is a better life for you. For women who grew up with generational trauma, I hope you also find some hope here — hope that you can heal, and forgive, and have real, healthy relationships that look nothing like the ones you grew up with. These relationships may not exist in your household now, but they’re out there. Look for them, reach out for them. Be open to them. You can create the healthy house, the warm, safe, comforting environment that you wish you had.