Ideas in the Wild: Simone Heng On How to Forge Genuine Human Connections
As human beings, our brains are wired for connection. The feelings of disconnectedness people are facing today — isolation within our families, digital addiction, emotional trauma — hold worrying consequences for our mental well-being. We’ve lost touch with the human tribe we were born into.
In Secret Pandemic: The Search for Connection in a Lonely World, Simone Heng walks you through the meaning of human connection as it relates to every aspect of life. She explains how to distinguish authentic connection from fake substitutes, understand how family trauma affects the way humans connect with others, and discover the precise orbits of friendship people need to feel socially fulfilled. I recently caught up with Simone Heng to learn more about why she wrote the book and the ideas she shares with readers.
Why did you write this book?
I have failed deeply as a human connector. When I was younger, my entire way of connecting with people was impaired because I believed I was completely starved of the true connection we all need. This gave off a desperation in the way I connected with others, which was noticeable to everyone but me. This desperate energy repelled the connection I wanted so badly even further.
I wrote this book from a place of hard-won healing and a deep self-awareness that the learning never stops. I want readers who also lack connection to feel less alone. I want them to be released from the idea that they’re unlovable.
In Secret Pandemic, I speak about things that are felt universally: loneliness in the midst of unprecedented digital connectivity, deepening sadness at the lack of human connection caused by an isolating pandemic, and the effects of childhood trauma on how we connect with others. I also pull back the curtain to discuss things that some of us from an Asian background do not say out loud, let alone write in print.
My hope is that this will stop readers from feeling like they have something to be ashamed of because nothing augments shame like silence.
What’s an idea you share that really excites you?
I’ve lived in several cities filled with expatriates, like Singapore and Dubai. In a world where social isolation is now headline news, I argue that we can learn a lot from how people connect when they live a serial expatriate lifestyle.
To combat the transience of friends leaving constantly, people are much more open to allowing new connections into their fold. This is different from when one permanently migrates to a new place; expats know they will not be there forever.
The perception of being a visitor also leads to a feeling of urgency about their time in a particular place, which I did not experience in nontransient environments. The lack of psychological safety one feels as a foreigner compels us to find connection quickly.
Our brains are always wired for connection and associate safety in numbers. This compels us to find a group of friends to form a safe tribe quickly. This tribe essentially sits in for and substitutes for our friends and family back home. As a result, connection is fast and exponential in its nature. You disclose much more about yourself with new people because, frankly, you don’t have twenty years to make friends slowly since you’re only planning to stay in the place for two.
We can harness a bit of this bravery born of urgency to go out and connect regardless of where we live.
How will following your advice improve your readers’ lives?
Human connection is at the center of almost everything we do; it is how we are wired, and a lack of it is the foundation for mental health issues like addiction, depression, and hoarding that we are seeing soar today. The postpandemic years will see a level of social awkwardness, a mental health crisis, and hopefully, a recalibration of our use of technology.
But by drawing attention to the topic of human connection, it is my hope we can get better at it and be more resilient to these issues. In Secret Pandemic, you will learn how to reconnect with yourself. You’ll start thinking about why you feel a certain way when you fight with your partner, the tendrils of the argument reaching far back into your past. You’ll know who to go to when it’s time to speak about your pain. You’ll understand the kind of trust that is the foundation for authentic connection. You’ll find ways you never thought of to reach out to stop the chill of loneliness setting into your bones.
Secret Pandemic is designed to point an arrow at the places in your life where love and connection could flow in and fill the gaps. Then I hope it urges you to find other resources, like therapy or a coach, to build yourself back up with a more bespoke approach.
