Intimacy Coordinator Laura Desirée: Here Are Five Things I Wish Someone Told Me When I First Started

…I’ve always placed immense expectations on myself, which can lead to crippling self-criticism. For me, what’s been really helpful is recognizing that I have all this energy — ambition, desire — and sometimes that can actually cause a lot of anxiety if I don’t know how to channel it. So, physical activity is the most important part of my day. And I mean this — going to the gym, being active — it’s a great hack. I learned that if you have anxiety, using up some of that excess energy bouncing around inside you can help you feel more grounded, more focused, and more comfortable in your own skin. So physical activity should be part of your daily routine, even if it’s just a 30-minute walk — at the very least, a spirited walk. Moving your body is essential…

We had the pleasure of interviewing Laura Desirée. Laura is a dynamic figure in the world of content creation, with a career spanning more than a decade across various media platforms. Her work extends from live-event immersive experiences to television and web broadcasting. She is widely recognized for her contributions to the adult content industry, where she has been a vocal advocate for enhancing earning opportunities and improving working conditions for creators. Through her consultancy services, she has worked with individuals and corporations to redefine narratives around success in sex work.

Desirée’s career is marked by several notable achievements. She spent seven years as a producer and presenter for Naked News, a Toronto-based TV show known for blending news coverage with nudity. During her tenure, she became one of the lead presenters and producers, honing her ability to deliver content that was both informative and engaging. This role helped solidify her place in the adult content industry, allowing her to explore more creative avenues and connect with a global audience.

One of her standout projects was the creation and production of Red Umbrella Talk, a series that brought attention to issues surrounding sex work. The project, in line with her commitment to advocacy, aimed to humanize the experiences of sex workers and challenge societal preconceptions. Desirée has also served as the Lead Brand Strategist for the marketing agency PS: Group, where she helped shape brand narratives in ways that align with the progressive values she champions in her own work.

In addition to her media roles, Desirée has been a frequent collaborator with the Museum of Sex, working on projects in both New York and Miami. Her involvement often extends beyond typical consulting; she has contributed to the curation of exhibitions and the development of immersive experiences that explore sexuality in innovative ways. As an intimacy consultant and choreographer, Desirée’s work has furthered the conversation on consent and the portrayal of sexuality in performance and media.

Her journey into the world of adult content and performance art began in New York City, where she pursued studies in film at the New York Film Academy. Initially aspiring to become a film director, Desirée shifted her focus after becoming deeply involved in the city’s vibrant nightlife scene. She began her career in go-go dancing and soon transitioned into burlesque, a performance art that allowed her to fuse her love for theater with a more sensual form of expression. Desirée’s burlesque career spanned more than a decade, during which she toured internationally and built a reputation as a daring and innovative performer.

Her background in burlesque also informed her later work in content creation, where she continued to push the boundaries of what is considered mainstream entertainment. Desirée’s advocacy for the sex work industry is rooted in her own experiences as a performer. She has spoken openly about the challenges and stigmas faced by those in the industry, using her platform to call for better working conditions and the decriminalization of sex work.

A recurring theme in Desirée’s career is her focus on authenticity and self-expression. Whether through her work in media or her live performances, she has consistently emphasized the importance of embracing one’s identity and challenging societal norms. This philosophy extends to her activism, where she advocates for a more open and honest conversation about sex and sexuality. Desirée sees herself as part of a broader movement aimed at normalizing discussions around sexual pleasure, identity, and expression.

Her foray into podcasting and live event hosting has further expanded her influence. Desirée regularly hosts Eros Unbound, a monthly erotic reading and writing series in Brooklyn that brings together diverse audiences to explore themes of sexuality and pleasure. Her live events are known for their inclusive atmosphere, drawing attendees from various backgrounds and sexual identities.

More recently, Desirée has taken on the role of intimacy coordinator, working on film and television productions to ensure the safe and consensual portrayal of intimate scenes. This work, which involves close collaboration with actors and directors, aligns with her broader commitment to fostering a more responsible and ethical approach to sexual content in media.

In addition to her on-screen work, Desirée is in the process of completing her first book, Learning to Swallow It All, a memoir that delves into her experiences with grief, sexual exploration, and identity. The book, which has been in development for several years, is expected to offer readers a candid look at Desirée’s life and career, exploring the personal challenges that have shaped her path.

Through her multifaceted career, Laura Desirée continues to be a leading voice in conversations about sexuality, performance, and self-expression. Her work, both in front of and behind the camera, has left an indelible mark on the adult content industry and beyond.

Laura, it’s a delight and an honor to meet you again. Before we dive in deep, readers would love to learn about your personal origin story. Can you share the story of your childhood and how you grew up?

Laura: I grew up in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, and I’m an identical twin. So this already set me up for quite a unique life path, right? Identical twins are unlike anything else. You’re one of two people made from the same blueprint.

When I was 10 years old, my mother lost her five-year battle with cancer. This was, of course, as anyone would call it, absolutely traumatic, terrifying. And it really pushed me into a life of being strong, even if that strength was sometimes performative. Now, as a 35-year-old woman, I look back on some of those years and… let’s see if this will pass.

I look back at those years, fresh out of losing my mother, and how often an adult — whether it was a teacher, a family member, or a neighbor — would lean into my face and say, “You’re so strong, you’re so strong.” It gave me no permission to be anything else. I’m also the more aggressive and assertive one in my twinship. So, I very much took on the role of caretaker, but I also took on the role of protecting my sister and me, right? I was the vocal one. I was the aggressor. I took on a lot of leadership, and this carried on throughout childhood into early adulthood.

I was a very high achiever. I liked school. I did very well in school. I loved presentations, my more artful studies. I liked English literature. I even did philosophy in high school, which was a strange offering at the time. I remember doing media studies and anything pop culture. I had an enormous affinity for that, and it was because, growing up in my now three-person home with my father, my sister, and me, we didn’t have a roadmap for talking about grief or hard experiences. But what we did do was watch movies.

My father is still a radio programmer, so I grew up with a lot of music in the house. He built many radio stations in Toronto, which didn’t pay much but was a phenomenal job to witness. He was a professional man in a creative world. Everything he did was very creative. I learned how to package shows and ideas, whether it was a one-hour show he’d put on the radio or those 10 seconds of speech you have before the vocals start on a song. You know, when the announcer is talking just before the music begins. I learned all of that through those years.

We had this great library of movies, and I used those films to process a lot of challenging feelings. I mean, we watched everything: classics, MGM musicals, film noir from the ’30s and ’40s, foreign films, the revolutionary cinema of the 1970s. There was no age gate. I was exposed to more mature subject matter at a young age, which helped me process some emotions, but it also left me really confused. Like, you see a movie like Taxi Driver and think, “How can a person be so miserable?” It took me years to understand the Travis Bickle darkness and his relationship to the world.

But despite all that, I ended up graduating high school as valedictorian. This was after years of being heavily involved in the theater department. I created plays, wrote, directed, and acted in them. I was very comfortable on stage. I loved it.

So, my big dream after high school was to go to New York City and become the first female to win an Oscar for Best Director. I was dead set on filmmaking. At 17, I left Toronto, moved to New York, and got this tiny apartment on the border of Queens and Brooklyn. I had just graduated high school — I think I got the apartment first and then had to go back in the fall to officially graduate — but my plan was to attend the New York Film Academy.

It was a strain on our family’s finances, especially mine. I had been working since I was 15 and saved up as much as I could to follow this dream in New York. I remember arriving at the New York Film Academy, where I ended up taking the Producing for Film and Television course. It wasn’t my initial plan; I wanted to study directing. But I went to a meet-and-greet at the school for new students, and the director said, “We don’t have a single woman signed up for the producing program. If you want to succeed in independent film, it’s more important to understand producing than directing. Something tells me you’ll be fine directing.”

I was the youngest person in the program. Everyone else was on their third career, trying to give it one last shot. I couldn’t even legally go out and drink with them, though I had a fake ID, so I did anyway. But that year and a half was really inspiring for me. The program was short, but I learned a lot about business, pitching, and how to persuade people to get what you need in independent film — money, talent, locations, all of it. I don’t want to call it manipulation, but persuasion is a big part of it. I also learned how to organize things like call sheets, budget flow sheets, and how to work under pressure. All of that was super helpful.

Even though I didn’t end up pursuing filmmaking, I still think about those principles whenever I start a project. I think about what it takes to secure financing. That education was so helpful.

But after that program, I got really involved in New York City nightlife. I fell madly in love with it. I forgot about my dream of being the first woman to win an Oscar for Best Director and decided to explore nightlife instead. Man, there were some good bars. In the Lower East Side, especially on Rivington Street, there were these rock-and-roll bars where all these characters hung out, and go-go dancing was a thing. I had never seen anything like it before. It was this mix of stripping and the kinds of performances I’d seen in MGM musicals and Singin’ in the Rain. There was a spotlight, someone teasing the audience, making them excited, and they were getting paid for it. So I got into go-go dancing.

And I loved it. I had a different outfit every single night. I had different wigs. I was a whole new person every time. I loved that form of expression. So, it wasn’t long after I started go-go dancing that people kept coming up to me, saying, “You should get into burlesque. You really ought to do burlesque.”

Burlesque became my actual training at the New York School of Burlesque, where I learned everything — tassel twirling, glove peels, stocking peels, boas, feather fans, all that stuff. I learned it all and loved it. That’s when I launched into a decade-long career in burlesque, traveling the world. I did two tours of Europe, multiple tours across the States. I’m giving you my whole life story, by the way. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but now you’re getting my whole damn life story.

Burlesque dancing was always a part of it. As the years went by, yes, I was performing burlesque, but I also started programming burlesque shows. I began hosting them, working with corporate parties, building their activations, and incorporating all the inspirations I’d picked up — from my household full of movies, from film school, from those wild party days in New York, and from burlesque itself. I started to create experiences. I eventually became the creative director of a nightclub in Toronto called Candyland. The entire operation was based on the premise, “Laura, make something shocking happen in the spotlight. I want the police to be called.”

So, it was fun to play with an audience’s and a culture’s threshold. It wasn’t always about sex to get a reaction. You could play with depictions of religion, gender-swapping, or even sometimes violence and the ecstasy of it. I would stage these little cabaret shows that were pretty elaborate. During those two years as creative director, I was approached by Naked News, which is a Toronto-based TV show that’s been around since 2001. They reached out to me and said, “We’ve heard you’re the burlesque girl in the city. Would you teach our anchors burlesque?”

This was right around the time Naked News stopped its long run on Playboy TV and was transitioning into an independent web-only channel. Of course, I showed up at the studio, nailed it. I read the teleprompter like a pro because it was so fun to me. It felt so professional. And then, seven and a half years later, I was still there as one of the show’s producers and lead presenters. That’s really what got me into this stride of ultimate confidence because, even during the pandemic, we found a way to keep creating content.

I left the show about two, two and a half years ago now, and as you know, I’m now in New York doing all kinds of leisure activism and erotic arts.

So you probably have so many amazing stories. Can you share with our readers one or two of the most memorable, favorite anecdotes, stories, or memories from your professional career?

Laura: Sure. Something that always comes to mind when this question comes up is from about five years into working with Naked News. I had been in a bit of a tug-of-war with them about the kind of content I wanted to bring to the show. My curious mind always wants to dig deeper, especially when it comes to topics like sex, which is where I naturally gravitate. I didn’t just want to talk about “what makes great sex”; I was more interested in the humanity, the complexity, the nuance of it.

So, around that five-year mark as their segment producer, I started proposing material about sexual subcultures — like kink or different queer lifestyles — and I wanted to do a little series within the show, introducing our audience to these different communities. But I was met with a lot of pushback from my producer, who constantly reminded me, “Laura, our viewers are middle America. They’re 40-year-old white guys with their dick in their hand. We can’t endanger that. We need to keep the news light. Let’s keep it light.” And I remember feeling really conflicted about that. It just didn’t sit right with me.

Then, I got an email — from someone who, unfortunately, I can’t sing praises for now because of where she’s leaned politically — but it was from Amber Rose, the creator of The Slut Walk, a long-running event in Los Angeles. It was 2017, and her team reached out saying, “Hey, we’ve seen what you do on social media. We get what you’re about, and we’d love to invite you to be our red carpet correspondent at The Slut Walk in LA.” I couldn’t believe the email. It was an opportunity away from the confines of Naked News, and it set me on a path to independence. It made me realize that what I do has worth.

At the time, I didn’t even fully understand what The Slut Walk was. Even with all my experience in burlesque and Naked News, no matter how strong and confident I presented myself, there’s always been this societal stigma around people who take their clothes off or seduce for a living. So, I went into this job unsure of myself. They flew me out to Los Angeles, and I was doubting myself every step of the way.

The event kicked off with a march through downtown LA, and it was a march of sex workers — a full spectrum, from pole dancers to streetwalkers to those who create pornographic content. It was one of the most powerful experiences I’ve ever had. We were walking down the streets of LA, and there were picket lines of Bible-thumpers on the sidewalks, shouting things like, “You’re going to hell.” But there was something incredibly empowering about being part of that group. I met so many people on that march, and it gave me this overwhelming sense of belonging and purpose. It made me realize I wanted to be part of activism, that I believed in re-educating people and maybe even changing their perspectives.

As silly as it might seem to be standing out on the street in lingerie with a group of other sexy people, there was real power in it because we were united. I became aware of the larger movement I was part of.

Then, I spent the day at the actual festival site, interviewing people about their lives and careers. All the experience I had from years at Naked News made it easy, and I was finally talking to people about something that truly lit me up inside.

That’s the story that always comes to mind. It was this great “Eureka” moment where I realized that the work I had been doing really did have meaning and purpose in the world. It connected me with a community, and that was what really spawned my activism. It was a big moment for me.

I have another story. When I was at Naked News, I was always sent to sex conventions, like the AVN Awards or the X-Biz Show. I got sent to all of these adult industry gatherings. And they’re wonderful. They’re a lot of fun. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise — they’re a good time. I was also sent to swingers’ events. I went to Jamaica a lot, did two different cruises with swinger vacation groups, just to interview people about their lifestyle. I did a lot of that.

But being a fan of movies, and living in Toronto at the time, every September is the Toronto Film Festival. And my God, it’s the best time to be in Toronto. It really is. It’s the most exciting time in the city, and I’m obsessed with that festival. I remember asking my producer — this was probably around 2016 — “Hey, have we ever done red carpet coverage at the festival or anything like that?” And he said, “No, they’re not going to talk to us. They won’t let us in. They know who we are, and they know our reporters like to get naked. It’s not going to work for the festival.”

So, I had virtually no support from him whatsoever. But I said, “That’s okay. I’m up for the challenge.” And I knocked on a thousand doors, sent a million emails, put my face in front of the programmers, and I got my credentials to be on that red carpet. It felt so good because people might want to discount someone who’s pursued a career like mine, thinking they’re not capable or not a good fit for these kinds of events. But I think what I brought as a news anchor to that festival was a level of interaction the mainstream movie industry wasn’t even ready for.

One of my favorite moments was at the press meet-and-greet for the James Mangold film Ford v Ferrari. It had a big, star-studded cast — Christian Bale, Matt Damon, Josh Lucas — it was a major movie, and this was the world premiere. So the whole cast is on stage, and there’s that moment where the moderator opens the floor to questions from the press. I’m one of the only women in the room, sitting there with all these established men in their suits, from the Globe and Mail, the New York Times, and other big outlets. And I thought, “Laura, this is your moment.”

I don’t know what came over me. I hadn’t even seen the movie yet, just the trailer. But in the trailer, there’s this scene where Christian Bale punches Matt Damon in the face. And I thought, “I’m going to get my question in the papers. This is it.”

So, I put my hand up. They pointed at me, and I stood up and said, “Laura Desiree, Naked News. I just wanted to ask Mr. Bale, how was it punching Matt Damon in the face?” The entire room lost it. Everyone was laughing. The whole cast was cracking up. No one could believe it because, up to that point, they’d been answering questions about budgeting, location clearances, CGI — just all this technical stuff no one really cares about. And I asked the question that everyone really wanted to know, right?

Christian Bale’s reaction was so fabulous. He burst out laughing and said, “You know, Matt Damon really does have such a punchable face.” It was the soundbite that made it into the papers the next day. I remember reading the Toronto Star the next morning, and it said, “A journalist asked…” I thought, “Come on, you stole my win! None of you would have gone there. I went there, we all had a good time with it, and now you’re just going to say ‘a journalist asked’? How dare you?”

But regardless, I knew that was my question. I knew that was my moment. And it felt iconic.

Amazing. Can you share a bit with the readers about your activism?

Laura: Yeah. Activism for me includes everything related to speaking about sex. Here’s how I see it, okay? Our generations before us have all had revolutions, right? And sometimes I’m a little envious of how successful and cinematic those revolutions were — not to discount any of the struggle involved. But I look at the social revolutions over the years, the civil rights revolutions, the women’s rights movements, and my goodness, change happened in many of those. I can’t say all of them, because we’ve seen things get reversed.

I’ve been trying to figure out what this generation’s revolution is, or at least the one I’m a part of. After talking with many people, I realize it’s about socializing sex. We’re in a social sex revolution. You’re seeing more podcasts discussing sex, more content covering topics like gender expression, sexual orientation, and different sexual identities. For me, I want to keep pushing down this path. My activism is about allowing these conversations, welcoming them, and using them thoughtfully and intentionally to help us become more self-aware humans.

This also includes activism around sex work. That’s a huge uphill battle. I don’t know what will happen in the next five years, even if we keep pushing as hard as we are for decriminalizing sex work in this country. We’ve got an election coming up soon, and I don’t know which way even rights over my own body are going to go. It’s daunting, but it’s something I feel committed to for the rest of my life.

My greatest discoveries about myself, and the most love and sympathy I’ve been able to show myself, have come through sexual exploration. That’s the knowledge of oneself. The greatest motivator we have is who we are sexually. It’s when we’re the most vulnerable. So, what I want to do is keep putting these conversations out into the world. That’s my activism. And I face censorship every step of the way. We have platforms that want to take down even educational content about sex — anything related to sharing information gets threatened and taken down. There’s a real war against speaking unapologetically about sex, and we have to be very tactful in how we navigate that. That in itself could be a whole interview.

But yeah, that’s my activism, because I believe there’s a huge benefit to our lives in exploring and, more importantly, embracing ourselves sexually.

It’s been said that sometimes our mistakes can be our greatest teachers. Do you have a story about a humorous mistake you made when you were first starting out and the lesson you learned from it?

Laura: Yeah, in my industry, we have this modern understanding that flirting is a no-go in the workplace. And I totally get that — I support it. But it’s a challenging balance to strike when you’re a woman covering sexual material, especially if you’re doing it while undressing, wearing lingerie, and then people can Google your name and find naked pictures. One of the biggest lessons I learned was how to tailor professional interactions, especially at conventions like AVN or XBiz — big adult industry shows. People would be unsure of whether I was a performer doing full porn or more of an outsider on the corporate side.

I remember being really excited by all the compliments and attention early on, but then I’d go after these people for interviews, and some were upset that the interview didn’t come with a “secret rendezvous” in their hotel room. So, that canceled a lot of my opportunities. The lesson was learning how to strike a balance. I tell women all the time, you can use your sexuality to get ahead because that confidence is something most people don’t have. I’d never say to erase it or eliminate it from your identity. But you need to be aware of the effect it has on others and the messages it sends. You can walk yourself into uncomfortable situations if you don’t strike that balance properly.

You can master the art of the flirt, but you have to know where the threshold is. It’s different with every person. You need to be able to read their cues — how they’re responding to your sexuality, how their tone or body language changes. And if you notice a change, you have to adjust because it might be going in a direction you don’t want.

There were definitely some uncomfortable moments. I’m not blaming myself entirely — there are people out there who just can’t help but drool. But it wasn’t about putting an invitation on the table. I was just trying to do something professionally. Yet when you’re six feet tall and have a “naked legacy,” it can send mixed messages.

It got confusing sometimes, especially with talent in the industry. The adult world is more sexually accepting — that’s why we’re part of it — and I think that can be a beautiful thing. I’m not against it. If you feel good synergy with someone and it won’t negatively affect the professional relationship, sure, explore it. We’re adults. As long as we act like adults, it’s fine.

But sometimes people eliminate the work side of the conversation and just focus on, “How do I get this person into bed? How do I get them up to my room?” And then you have to shut it down, tell them it’s not happening, and sometimes that hurts people’s feelings.

I think even someone like Gloria Steinem, who was a writer, journalist, and a Playboy Bunny, probably faced similar challenges. It’s a shared experience for people who exist in both the sexual fantasy world and the professional one. There’s professionalism on both sides, but it can still be confusing. Men, in particular, have this instinct that kicks in where they think, “Hey, I’m liking this. I wonder if I can get my way.”

The lesson I learned was how to compose myself and stay focused on what I actually wanted. If you want something — whether it’s access to an opportunity or better pay — you need to stay mission-focused. Sure, flirting and compliments can get you places, but always remember your goal. What’s your mission? Bring it back to that.

It’s a balance. And I learned how to make sure I was still getting what I wanted out of interactions. It can be dizzying, like, “Oh, we’re having such a good time,” but I have to make sure neither of us loses track of what I’m asking for.

And no, that’s not what ended my career. What ended my career at Naked News was the limitations of the content. I couldn’t talk to people of certain body types because they weren’t appealing to the producer. I couldn’t interview someone of a certain identity because it didn’t fit the show. And that, to me, didn’t feel ethical. I couldn’t keep going like that.

Did the actual news itself have an editorial spin like Fox News or MSNBC, or was it as neutral as possible?

Laura: As neutral as possible. Though, there was always this feeling that it leaned a bit towards the Republican agenda. I remember during the years I was doing the news, there were some very heated political eras. We had Obama for a lot of that time, but there was plenty of pushback against him. Then, of course, came the rise of the Christian right. My goodness, I was at Naked News when Trump was elected the first time, and I remember thinking, “We’re covering this story, but not that one.” Or wondering, “Why are we talking about him this way?” It felt like we were staying very neutral about him, even though what he had done was clearly heinous. We stayed pretty neutral, yeah.

You’ve done so many great things. Can you share with our readers the exciting projects you’re working on now?

Laura: Of course. I’d love for the readers to check out my website, thelauradesiree.com. On there, you’ll see that I’m now stepping into the world of sex education. I want to work with adult groups who are looking to better understand their sexual selves and relearn the foundations of healthy sexuality. I’m also doing intimacy coordination for film and television, but right now, I’m working on a very special live theater show in New York City called Sanctum, which features real, unsimulated depictions of sexuality. As a certified intimacy coordinator, I work with the performers to build a strong sense of safety and ensure that consent is always confirmed. It’s a very artful and compassionate role, and I really enjoy it.

Aside from that, everything I do is focused on welcoming pleasure into our lives. That’s where my live event Eros Unbound comes in. For those of you in New York City, I host an erotic reading and writing series every month in Brooklyn called Eros Unbound. You’ll hear sensual stories, sexual confessions, and the audience gets the chance to start their own erotic writing. We provide notepads and plenty of prompts to get the creativity flowing.

It’s honestly the best date night in New York City. What I love about it is seeing people come together to experience it. There’s no leaning toward any particular group — it’s not just men or women, queer or straight, Black or white. I have one of the most diverse audiences, and I’m so grateful for that. I read the submissions people write during the show, and they’re so eclectic. It keeps me excited and inspired, truly!

I heard a rumor that you’re working on a book.

Laura: Yes, yes. It’s been a seven-year project. And in the last six months, I really focused on bringing it all together. Like everyone, I have an origin story, and there are a lot of life lessons you pick up along the way as you grow into who you are. I wouldn’t say I’m fully formed yet, but I’ve written a book about my life, and it’s called Learning to Swallow It All. It’s currently in the editing stage, and it’s about processing grief through sexual exploration and finding my identity through sexual encounters. It’s cheeky, it’s heartbreaking, and I’m just thrilled about it. I’ll be shopping it to publishers soon, and it should be coming this fall. I’m giddy about it and can’t wait to make the official announcement!

None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. We love hearing stories where someone who’s a little further ahead opens up a door and creates an opportunity that changes somebody’s career. Do you have a story like that where someone did that for you, or you did that for another person?

Laura: Yeah. Well, let’s talk about my writing journey. Writing is one of the biggest hurdles a person can take on, even if it’s just putting pen to paper and getting a single word down. I’ve been very supported by some amazing authors simply because I told them I wanted to write. One of those people is Laura Albert, the author who gained fame for writing under the name J.T. LaRoy. She’s been an incredible support to me. She’s held me accountable, saying, “Send me what you’re working on. Send me your latest paragraph. Where are you at? What’s the page count today?” She advised me to add embellishment, flourish, and especially dialogue. That was the big one. She told me, “You need dialogue.” And I said, “Honey, I’m a child of the beatniks. I don’t write dialogue. I write unstructured, messy prose that goes on for pages.” But she pushed me, saying, “No, write some dialogue.”

So people like Laura Albert, and also James Frey, who wrote A Million Little Pieces, have been huge supports for me. I have so much affection for them, and they’ve helped keep me accountable and motivated to continue my work.

And do you have a story where you did that for someone else?

Laura: In the last year, I’ve really reframed how I approach getting things done. I have a huge to-do list every day, and I’ve started this new practice of ensuring things get done, even if that means involving other people. There are so many folks in this city with shared goals — people who want to host conversations and create change. It’s not about being the “greedy activist” who wants to be the name behind everything. No, it’s about uplifting others who share the same message.

For example, a lot of the work I’ve done with the Museum of Sex in New York City has been about connecting other speakers and thought leaders with their programming. Over the last year, I’ve helped connect several people to do showcases, host panels, or throw events at the Museum. And my name isn’t on the bill — and that’s totally okay. I’m just happy to see the collaboration come together and introduce our message to a wider audience.

If you check out some of the programming at the Museum of Sex, you’ll notice a wonderful influx of young influencers hosting mix-and-meet events. I was so delighted to help bring those parties together. It’s all about amplifying the voices of others, and I’m thrilled to be part of that.

This is our signature question. You’ve been blessed with a lot of success now. Looking back to when you first started, do you have five things that you know now that you wish somebody told you when you first started?

Laura: The first one is that you are enough. “Enough” doesn’t mean a certain diploma, a grand education, or some stamp of approval. So, number one is you are enough. Being a person with an idea is an incredible place to start, and you will come back to that idea over and over again.

Number two is the importance of your lived experience. Your lived experience is a powerful educator, beyond any curriculum or lesson plan you may have had in schools or institutions. Don’t forget about your lived experience. Take inventory of what that includes — what relationships you’ve been in, what kinds of jobs you’ve had, where you’ve traveled, what hobbies you’ve picked up along the way. Take stock of all of that.

Number three is you have to ask for help. You have to get comfortable asking for help. It’s a part of a successful life. Pride won’t benefit you. Being the martyr who takes it all on won’t help. It’ll harden you. It might even disable you. It’s not the answer. You have to get comfortable asking for help, whether it’s, “Can I bounce an idea off you?” or, “I need a place to stay. I need some money.” Learn to ask for help early.

Number four is to know where your inspiration comes from. When we’re uninspired in whatever we’re doing, the work becomes impossible. When we’re uninspired, the day feels long, and we don’t feel good about what we’re doing because inspiration is what makes it magical. So, know your sources of inspiration. For me, it goes back to being a kid, watching MGM musicals, and listening to really stimulating music. I need to know where those sources of inspiration are because I’ll tap into them on low days.

And my last one is sleep. I’m still learning this lesson, even now, over and over again. There is no glory in burning yourself out. I don’t care how much we’ve glamorized it in stories or in the few real-life cases where someone burned themselves out repeatedly. It’s not the answer. Sleep is essential. Sleep replenishes every system in your body and mind. If you’re having a bad day, it’s probably because you didn’t sleep well. So find a way to get more sleep. Find a way to make it exciting or enticing for yourself. Please, get more sleep.

You mentioned that you’re six feet tall. I just did a quick search. Apparently, only one in a hundred women are six feet tall.

Laura: Really? Well, I knew we were a rare breed, but I was always introduced to women who are six feet tall. I mean, I idolized Sigourney Weaver in Alien because she’s six feet tall. Like, holy shit. You know, I found enough six-foot-tall heroes and thought, okay, these are my people. But it came with years of teasing. Oh my God.

Can you share the pros, cons, or challenges of standing out, literally?

Laura: It’s funny. People might say this is a “woe is me” story because no one’s ever happy with the body they’re in, right? Across the board, everyone wants to be something else. “I want to be taller, shorter, thinner, curvier.” We all want to be what we’re not. I was six feet tall by the time I was 12 years old. At that age, you can’t hide. You’re very noticeable, and you’re still not coordinating your body well because it feels new to you. My growth spurt was fast.

It’s interesting that we’re talking today, on September 11th, because when I was 12, it was about a year after 9/11. That was a big topic at school, and kids used to call my sister and me the Twin Towers because we were six feet tall, and everyone else was still so small. I remember feeling really embarrassed about my height. I just wanted everyone else to catch up — or for me to get smaller. I thought, “I’ll never be able to wear high heels. I’m a freak. What am I going to do?”

And yeah, when you’re in a big body, people will notice you. Every once in a while, I still get some idiot on the street who says, “Hey, that’s a man.” And to that, I say, “Suck my dick,” you know? You gotta have fun with it. You have to find pride in the body you’re in.

So yeah, being six feet tall was tough when I was younger. But as I got older, it became an advantage. I can dominate a situation, really impose on a group. Have I used it for good and bad? Maybe. But it does come with some leverage and privilege, and I’m very aware of that.

Can you share with our readers some of the self-care routines that you do to help your body, mind, and heart thrive?

Laura: Absolutely. Oh, it’s like I’m so new to it, but I love talking about this.

I’ve had a long journey with anxiety and depression, and I’ve always placed immense expectations on myself, which can lead to crippling self-criticism. For me, what’s been really helpful is recognizing that I have all this energy — ambition, desire — and sometimes that can actually cause a lot of anxiety if I don’t know how to channel it. So, physical activity is the most important part of my day. And I mean this — going to the gym, being active — it’s a great hack. I learned that if you have anxiety, using up some of that excess energy bouncing around inside you can help you feel more grounded, more focused, and more comfortable in your own skin. So physical activity should be part of your daily routine, even if it’s just a 30-minute walk — at the very least, a spirited walk. Moving your body is essential.

Hydration is another big one. I’ve actually stopped drinking alcohol, which is kind of new for me, and I’m really committed to staying hydrated. It makes a huge difference to how your organs function, how your brain functions. You’ll notice your energy levels are better balanced when you’re properly hydrated.

I’m sure you’re waiting for this one — masturbation. My goodness, I really encourage everyone to find what feels pleasurable to them. We hear the word “masturbation,” and it’s often framed as something naughty or messy, or purely sexual, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s about pleasure. Find what feels good, and make time for it every day. Not everyone connects with traditional meditation, but to me, masturbation is a form of meditation. It’s a way of showing myself love, paying attention to my body, and being fully present. You’re never more in the moment than when you’re in pursuit of pleasure. You’re tuned in to every signal in your body — what feels good, what doesn’t — because you’re focused on feeling better and better. So, yeah, masturbation is meditation.

Aside from that, I try to stick to a schedule when it comes to winding down at the end of the day. It can be hard, especially if you live in a busy place like New York, but I try to have dinner at the same time every night. I don’t like eating late — I’m not a fan of eating after 8 p.m., to be honest. If I’m going to dinner with you, it’s at 7. For me, winding down means taking technology out of my hands. No doom scrolling. I know we all do it, and some of you might think it helps you relax, but it’s actually activating so much in your brain. Doom scrolling creates this monotonous rhythm that becomes destructive over time. You’re training your brain to need it. Break the cycle. Try taking technology away at the end of your day.

You’re a real powerhouse. Do you ever consider going back to the producing business?

Laura: Yeah, I do. I think about it. And I don’t think I’ve fully left it because I still put on these shows, right? There’s a lot of production and planning involved in live events, so I’d still call that an element of producing. But yeah, there’s a part of me that feels like maybe it is my true calling, and I might need to make a full return to it. I mean, I’m fucking good at it. So yeah, I’ll consider it. Maybe that’s the push I needed right there.

Laura, because of the platform you’ve built and your great work, you’re a person of enormous influence. If you could spread an idea or inspire a movement that would bring the most good to the most people, what would that be?

Laura: It’s so simple. Lead with your authenticity. Lean into that part of yourself that feels different from everyone else — the part we so often want to hide, the part we’re embarrassed or unsure of, or reluctant to share. Lean into it. That’s what makes you an original, and it will absolutely set you on the right path. Lean into your authenticity.

How can our readers continue to follow your work? How can they purchase what you offer, engage your services, or support you in any way?

Laura: I want all of you right now to check out TheLauraDesiree.com. Please go to my website

Laura, thank you for this amazing conversation.

Laura: Always. Thank you so, so, so much. It was wonderful to chat with you.