Jennifer Warren Medwin On 5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce

An Interview With Fotis Georgiadis

Practice forgiveness for yourself and your ex. (Forgiveness is for you. When you catch yourself disempowering yourself, shift your mindset by reciting an affirmation such as, “I am growing and willing to learn from my mistakes.”)

As part of our series about the “5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce Or Breakup” I had the pleasure of interviewing Jennifer Warren Medwin.

Jennifer Warren Medwin, MS is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach, Supreme Court of Florida Family Mediator, and a Certified Marital Mediator in Miami, Florida. Jennifer specializes in working alongside individuals and couples who are contemplating divorce and are fearful of high conflict and with those who hope to save their marriages. Additionally, Jennifer is an author, a member of the National Association of Divorce Professionals (NADP), Divorceify, and a contributing writer for Your Tango, Thrive Global, and OurFamilyWizard.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a bit about how you grew up?

I grew up in an apartment in Manhattan on Central Park West with my older sister, mom, dad, and our dog, Max. I went to a private school called Riverdale Country School. I loved my time there. My parents were married for over fifty years. I loved growing up in New York City. I still have my best friend, Jenny Fisherman Ruff. We grew up in the same building and met as babies. By the age of thirteen I felt so independent. Later, I went to college and graduate school where I received my BA and my MS, respectively.

Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?

I was in an unhappy marriage for many years. During my divorce, seven years ago, an old acquaintance reached out to me via Facebook. After her name there were three letters: CDC. When we connected, she told me she was a Certified Divorce Coach and told me about the profession. I had always been interested in psychology, thus my Master of Science degree, and I looked into the program she told me about. The rest is history.

Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started this career?

I can speak in generalities due to privacy issues. One thing I want people to understand is that they are the BOSS of their divorce process, not the attorney, accountant, divorce coach, or therapist. Individuals need to understand that just because there are specific laws, custom provisions can be agreed upon. For example, if a couple has an 18-year child, neither parent has to pay for college, but they can agree on a payment plan and what amount each will be responsible for in the MSA. I had a client who was told by her attorney that her husband would not agree to pay for college. I encouraged her to still ask for it at mediation. I am a big believer in, “If you don’t ask, you don’t get. Sometimes the answer will be, no, but at least you tried.” My client asked the mediator to discuss the college issue with her soon- to-be-ex-husband, and he agreed to pay 80% of the tuition and college expenses. It was a great outcome!

Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?

Given the nature of my profession, I really do not have “funny” mistakes. I can tell you that when I first started coaching, I quickly learned to be conscious of not coaching during Discovery Session Complementary Calls and to just focus on the goal of the 30 minute initial call:

1. Finding out if I am the right professional for the potential client.
2. Finding out if the potential client would benefit from working with me as the Divorce Coach.
3. Understanding the challenges being faced by the potential client.
4. Intro to build rapport.
5. Discuss details of working together.

Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?

“Set the intention of living the life you always imagined. Turn your can’ts into cans and your dreams into plans.”

-Anonymous

I was 45 when I changed my career. Getting divorced gave me the impetus I needed to pursue a different career. Had I remained in my unhappy marriage I would have never gone back to school and have the thriving career I have today. I followed my curiosities and truly believe I am living my purpose: To help individuals service and thrive through the divorce process.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?

I recently completed writing my first book. It will be available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble in December: Strategies and Tips from a Divorce Coach: A Roadmap to Move Forward. My goal is to help redefine the divorce process. People lawyer up too quickly without understanding that there are many ways to get divorced and allow their emotions to cloud their judgment. As a Divorce Coach, I partner with individuals contemplating or going through the divorce process to separate the business side from the emotional side of divorce thus assisting them in having a more productive, calmer, and less costly process. I use my years of experience as a Divorce Coach to share:

• A hands-on road map with easy-to-follow tips to navigate the emotional, organizational, legal, and financial issues of divorce.
• Comprehensive checklists covering all areas from reasons for divorcing, to shared parenting plans, to how to start over after divorce to help ensure informed decisions about what is needed are made throughout the divorce process and prior to a settlement.
• Practical strategies and tips to encourage and support individuals as they move through their unique divorce journey.

Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion. Can you tell us a bit about your experience going through a divorce, or helping someone who was going through a divorce? What did you learn about yourself during and after the experience? Do you feel comfortable sharing a story?

I was in an unhappy marriage for 17 years. I married a man that I was not in love with, but who was my best friend. As time went on I began to resent him for all that he wasn’t, and we grew apart. I was afraid to leave the marriage and imprisoned myself far too long. Once we divorced, I realized that the divorce was a gift that pushed me out of my comfort zone and enabled me to follow my truth. I went back to school to pursue a career as a divorce professional and with time became a Certified Divorce Coach, Certified Marital Mediator, and a Supreme Court of Florida Family Mediator.

In your opinion, what are the most common mistakes people make after they go through a divorce? What can be done to avoid that?

1. Going into isolation. (Join a support group, reach out to family or friends, or start participating in a hobby to meet others with similar interests.)
2. Getting into a relationship too quickly. (Date and take time to heal from your divorce. They say that people evolve every 5 years. Learn who you really are and what you want out of life. Speak to a divorce coach to guide you forward.)
3. Forgetting to update insurance, retirement accounts, and estate beneficiaries.
4. Ignoring or not abiding by court orders. (Read my book. It has a number of checklists to follow throughout the divorce process.)
5. Lack of self-care (Make yourself a priority. Set the intention in the morning of doing at least one thing for yourself that energizes you.)

People generally label “divorce” as being “negative”. And yes, while there are downsides, there can also be a lot of positive that comes out of it as well. What would you say that they are? Can you share an example or share a story?

I believe that there are messages in every single mess. Perspective is everything!

1. You get your freedom to live the way you want to.
2. You have the opportunity to realize your dreams.
3. You have the chance to explore how to get your happiness back.
4. You get to learn more about yourself.
5. You have the opportunity to meet new people and explore different relationships.

I was living my life on autopilot in my unhappy marriage. It was not until after my divorce that I was able to settle down and determine what I wanted from the next chapters of my life. I registered for many online self-help classes and pushed myself to make many new friends that were divorced. The comradery helped push me forward.

Some people are scared to ‘get back out there’ and date again after being with their former spouse for many years and hearing dating horror stories. What would you say to motivate someone to get back out there and start a new beginning?

My father used to say, “You have to be in it to win it.” I help my clients understand that there is no better time than the present. Staying parked in fear will never help anyone realize their desires. I encourage my clients to join single groups, register on online dating sites, go in blind dates, or hire a matchmaker. I teach them this acronym about FEAR: Feel Everything and Rise. Honor the fear and push beyond the comfort zone because that is the only place where growth resides.

What is the one thing people going through a divorce should be open to changing?

Individuals going through divorce would benefit from setting the intention of shifting their mindsets. Not everything is black and white. Shades of grey always exist. Divorce involves compromise. Many individuals become so position based that the process becomes so contentious. It does not have to be that way.

Book: Oh, Shift! How to Change Your Life with a Little F’in Shift! By Jennifer Powers

Ok, here is the main question of our discussion. If you had a close friend come to you for advice after a divorce, what are 5 things you would advise in order to survive and thrive after the divorce? Can you please give a story or example for each?

1. Understand your finances. (Make a budget and live within it.)
2. Practice forgiveness for yourself and your ex. (Forgiveness is for you. When you catch yourself disempowering yourself, shift your mindset by reciting an affirmation such as, “I am growing and willing to learn from my mistakes.”)
3. Keep the children out of it. (Be mindful not to have arguments in front of the children or put the other parent down.)
4. Commit to self-care and ask for help when you need it. (Develop an exercise routine.)
5. Set goals for the next chapters in your life and invest in them. (Go back to school, join a club, hire a coach, etc.)

The stress of a divorce can take a toll on both one’s mental and emotional health. In your opinion or experience, what are a few things people going through a divorce can do to alleviate this pain and anguish?

1. Hire a Divorce Coach to help guide and partner with you through the process.
2. Prioritize self-care.
3. Set the intention of making time to do things you enjoy.
4. Learn to meditate (There is a lot to learn in stillness.)
5. Practice breathing exercises. The breath is always patiently waiting for you and is a good anchor.
6. Reach out to friends and family you trust and feel supported by.
7. Listen to podcasts.
8. Eat well.
9. Exercise.
10. Avoid a win or lose mentality.

Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?

Favorite Books: David Emerald: The Power of TED (The Empowerment Dynamic) and Bill Eddy: BIFF for Coparent, BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflicts People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email, and Social Media Meltdowns, and Calming Upset People with EAR

Favorite Podcasts: Super Soul and Ilyssa Panitz Divorce Hour.

Resources: Divorceify, MyFamilyWizard, My Divorce Solution, Support Pay, and Dtour.

Because of the position that you are in, you are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

I have a non-profit called Children for Children (www.childrenforchildren.net) that I helped my daughter and her best friend start several years ago.I do the behind the scenes work. The mission is to foster cultural awareness, tolerance, and commonalities of the soul through connection, social media, and educational opportunities. The members of the organization believe that everyone is the same on the inside despite different backgrounds, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, or religious beliefs. Now more than ever, we need groups like this to help bring individuals together instead of apart.

We are very blessed that very prominent leaders read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them :-)

I would love to have breakfast with Oprah Winfrey. I have followed her for years and am in awe of her ability to be a creator instead of a victim. To me, she is the symbol of female empowerment. She is always seeking new knowledge, helping others, overcoming her fears. She turns her can’ts into cans and follows her inner whispers. I admire her so much!

How can we continue to follow your work?

My website: www.seekingempowerment .com

Thank you for these great insights and for the time you spent with this interview. We wish you only continued success!