Jessica Bryant of Sleep Happy Consulting On How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected

An interview with Pirie Jones Grossman

I encourage my three children to listen to their inner voice, worry about what is in their control, make mistakes, try new things, and be on the lookout for joy every day.

Parenting is challenging. We all try so hard to give our all to our children. We desperately want them to feel loved and connected. But somehow there is often a disconnect. Perhaps it’s a generational thing, or that we don’t seem to speak the same language as our children, or just all of the “disconnection” that our kids are dealing with in today’s frenetic world. What are steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? As a part of our series about “How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected” we had the pleasure to interview Jessica Bryant.

Jessica Bryant is an internationally recognized pediatric sleep strategist, keynote speaker and founder of Sleep Happy Consulting. Jessica helps tired and overwhelmed parents learn the steps to prioritizing a well-rested and connected home from which to launch happy resilient children from.

Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to get to know a bit about you. Can you tell us your “childhood backstory”?

Looking back, I can see a vivid image in my head of this moment. As an only child and I was 11 years old and a good swimmer. I chose to spend my summer days in 1987 at our neighborhood pool. After my swim team practices my mom would allow me to stay at the neighborhood pool to eat lunch and play with friends. The funny thing is, I didn’t play with friends most days. I struck up conversations with toddlers and their moms at the circle baby pool instead of where kids my age were playing in the bigger pool. I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t fascinated with young children, especially babies. I loved to watch them learn new things. I loved to watch them try to mimic my facial expressions or when toddlers eagerly invited me into their games. My mom believed I was not old enough to babysit, so the baby pool was the only exposure I had to being near young children.

It turned out to be a genius marketing tool, because the mothers got to know me and encouraged me to play with their children. When my mom finally declared me old enough to babysit, I had a waiting list of mothers looking to hire me. That turned into a booming babysitting business from age 12 all the way through my first years as a new mom, which was 15 years later.

I took my growing fascination a step further when I chose to go deeper into the study of children at college where I studied Child Development and Family Relationships while nannying infant twins.

Can you share the story about what brought you to this specific point in your career?

Funny you should ask; I can take it all back to one short sentence uttered in a neighbor’s driveway when I was in the first few months of motherhood. I left the house with my baby seeking fresh air and a break from the lonely days that often come with the transition to motherhood. What I found was connection and encouragement right there in the driveway.

As I stopped to chat with several other moms in her driveway, I shared my struggles and asked for their opinions. Little did I know that my neighbor’s words that answered my question about my daughter’s troubled sleep would set the course of the next 20 years and of my life’s work.

She said, “You know babies can sleep 7pm to 7am, Jessica.”

Well, no I didn’t. With years working with children under my belt and some experience with young children at bedtime, I had never been with a child 24 hours a day 7 days a week. None of my college textbooks elaborated on how babies sleep or their routines and patterns. I had no idea a baby as young as my daughter could sleep that much at night.

I wondered why this basic human was not talked about in the expectant parents’ classes I took or even at the pediatrician’s office. It was more a box you checked but there was no real information behind it that made the information practicable for new parents.

I took the book the mom offered and off I went to research this phenomenon and test it out with my own child. Sure enough, three days later her sleep was transformed. And therefore, our whole family’s sleep was transformed. That information was the last piece of her sleep puzzle and the mark left by that transformation stayed fresh in my mind. When other families asked me the question I asked in that driveway, I answered them the same way.

When my twins were born three and half years later, I yearned for the same mark, that feeling of peace knowing my babies were getting all of the rest they needed as well as my preschooler and my husband and I. We knew we could not be good parents without that rest.

Based on your experience, can you explain to us why it is so important to forge a strong connection with our children

Forging a strong connection with your child sets them up to reach their full potential in life. Connected children grow up feeling a sense of safety and a strong sense of self within the family unit. This is a basic foundational need of all humans which is critical to survival.

What happens when children do not have that connection, or only have a weak connection?

When there is no connection or a weak connection between parents and their child, that child internalizes that the lack of connection into a feeling of unworthiness. The child feels they are not worthy enough for time and connection from their parents. Over time this consistent lack of connection can create many deep wounds that become challenges for life. Research proves that the lack of connection makes it harder for children to trust themselves which can lead to challenges in creating healthy relationships, creating healthy boundaries, inner self worth, and where they feel they fit inside society.

Do you think children in this generation are less likely to feel loved and connected? Why do you feel the way you do?

When there is no connection or a weak connection between parents and their child, that child internalizes that the lack of connection into a feeling of unworthiness. The child feels they are not worthy enough for time and connection from their parents. Over time this consistent lack of connection can create many deep wounds that become challenges for life. Research proves that the lack of connection makes it harder for children to trust themselves which can lead to challenges in creating healthy relationships, creating healthy boundaries, inner self worth, and where they feel they fit inside society.

We live in a world with incessant demands for our time and attention. There is so much distraction and disconnection. Can you share with our readers 5 steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? Please include examples or stories for each, if you can.

Even though it’s hard to narrow down recommendations, these 5 steps stand out to me because of my work on the floors for so many years with parents and children as a nanny, as a kindergarten teacher, and for the last seven years in the role of a sleep strategist supporting families in tackling sleep challenges with young children. It is a great vantage point to study the connection between parents and their children in real life in their most comfortable environment and test out different methods and approaches that research suggests.

First, foster open communication. In my experience, open communication starts at birth. Acknowledging that babies enter the world communication preferences and needs is the first step in fostering open communication. A baby’s communication in those early weeks and months often feels like a foreign language to parents. As a society we don’t always equip parents with this basic knowledge. What ends up happening is that parents believe that they know their baby best and don’t need to pause and look for communication from their newborn. Research has shown that when parents do not communicate with their young infants that infants just stop communicating. That first break in connection happens at that moment. The baby does not feel worthy of asking for their needs, so they stop asking.

Second, as humans one of our basic needs is rest. The first step for feeling connected is always making sure you as the parent are getting the rest you need, and you make it a priority in your life to help your child understand the value of rest and how to care for their body. What does this look like for parents, it means creating a consistent bedtime and saying no to activities that interrupt that time together 90% of the time. Parents model how to care for their bodies and children learn to value rest over glorifying busy.

Third, Presence. Be present and unstructured. Sit on the floor with no screens and be with your child. Follow their lead at play for a few minutes each day. Sit with them in their room and night while they wind down and just listen. Bedtime is often when children talk about their days and seek to be heard. Acknowledge that quality over quantity is what is important.

For example, in my practice I see parents who take up a lot of brain space with guilt over how long their child has to stay at daycare and how few hours they have with their child each week day. The way they cope with the guilt is to build activities into the end of the day like activity lessons, watching shows, running errands, and doing whatever the child wants to do to get to a calm place for bedtime so that the parent can get “time” at the end of the day. Often it means young children are awake until 10pm and have a schedule that requires they are up for daycare at 6am. This drive by the parent to fill their tank with any activity often ends up leading to tantrums from parents and children alike because the fact is both are exhausted and caught in this endless cycle of exhaustion along with an empty tank. A cycle like this is leaving the child feeling disconnected because their needs are not being met, their bodies are tired at the end of the day, the parents don’t recognize it and wrap words around how that feels and help them learn how to respond to their tiredness.

If you only have an hour, make it time to be present and prioritize rest for both child and parent so that when the weekend comes, they do have longer time frames to spend together that are more positive, connected, and fulfilling over time.

Fourth, I encourage parents to create consistent daily routines around meals and bedtime. Routines or patterns help children learn about their day and predict what comes next. This makes a child feel safe because they can predict a parent’s response or what is coming next in the day. When a child feels safe, they feel more connected and cared for. Their nervous systems are not overwhelmed, questioning what will happen tonight, where will I sleep, who will pick me up, where will we stay, and what will be the bedtime routine for example.

Allow children to guide the play or spend time observing or wondering about what they are working on not interrupting

Fifth, Model expressing and processing the full spectrum of emotions. In a world where we are experiencing the highest levels of mental health diseases, we need to do a better job sitting in those uncomfortable places with our emotions in front of our children and stop modeling the behavior of pushing emotions deep inside because they are “not acceptable” or we “don’t have time for them.” In a world where technology connects us, as parents we need to work harder at modeling for children how to connect person to person.

An example of how to help children process emotions would look like a parent getting down on eye level with a child who is scared about a dream they had the night before. The parent would practice open communication by listening the child explain what happened and finish the story without interrupting. Then the parent would repeat back the words the child used so the child feels heard, “I hear you saying that it was a big orange tiger that roared, and you felt scared.” During this exchange the parent can also offer a hug with their arms open wide allowing the child to come in for affection independently. Pausing for a full hug and connection helps any stressed nervous system feel a sense of safety and calm so it can recover. Next the parent can put words around the emotion your child is sharing, “I can see how hearing that roar can make your body feel tense and mind fearful.” The parent can follow up with this to offer further validation and connection by asking the child to draw a picture of their dream. However, it is important to be open to the child describing their drawing and not saying “I can’t tell what it is” or “this doesn’t look like a scary tiger.” Even if your child draws what looks like lines or scribble to you, the drawing has immense meaning to them so allowing them space to describe the lines in their own words is a huge opportunity for children to feel connected.

How do you define a “good parent”? Can you give an example or story?

There are so many ways to be a “good parent” but I believe that a good parent steps back and sees the big picture of parenting which is when that child becomes an adult. The good parent works hard to create (and maintain) the steps they feel sets their child up for success in the real world.

How do you inspire your child to “dream big”? Can you give an example or story?

I encourage my three children to listen to their inner voice, worry about what is in their control, make mistakes, try new things, and be on the lookout for joy every day.

How would you define “success” when it comes to raising children?

Defining success when it comes to raising children is such a personal definition. I define success as that feeling of fulfillment. That feeling of accomplishment that I feel when children get older, experience more of the world outside our home and offer glimpses into the person they are becoming. When those glimpses match up with the values I committed to instilling in my children from the beginning. That sense of inner knowing that you feel accomplished. I have a hard time finding the right worlds to illustrate success to answer your question. I think defining success relates to how I process my work as a parent.

In some ways, I see it as those ends of the year bonuses some companies give each year, a portion of which is based on specific performance metrics. When I had three children, three years and under all day long every day under my care, I longed for a performance review that came with that type of “bonus” or clarity I assumed those employees felt. I longed for acknowledgement of my work and an evaluation for doing my work “correctly” or ‘good” but that is not in fact how parenting works. You spend a lifetime asking yourself “am I doing this right” and “am I messing up my children” yet the answers never come from the outside. The only way to find those answers is to ask yourself. However, when your children reach the ages, my children are, 15, 15, and 19, you start to see glimpses.

I am staying present and making sure I acknowledge those glimpses because when the time comes and my children all reach adulthood I want to look back and still feel fulfilled (successful) and not a sense of lack. I see many parents posting on social media graduation group pages a lack of feeling successful. A loss of their children versus the success and excitement of having a front row seat in watching their child launch into the world. I hope that answers your question.

This is a huge topic in itself, but it would be worthwhile to touch upon it here. What are some ideal social media and digital habits that you think parents should teach to their children?

• Have children see parents putting away phones at family playtime, parent connection time, meals, events, and for sleep.
• Model taking regular phone and social media breaks.
• Have children hear you process how a social media post makes you feel and see you unfollow that feed.
• Have children see how parents can get overwhelmed, positively, and negatively with all the images and thoughts that come in their brain when viewing social media.
• Avoid using screens to calm children at meals and bedtime, this stunts their self-regulation abilities and teaches them to rely on screens over themselves.

What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a better parent? Can you explain why you like them?

Good Mornings Podcast with Jessica Bryant

The Good Mornings podcast is a great place to go to feel encouraged as a parent.

NutureShock by PO Bronson & Ashley Merryman

NutureShock is a book that makes child development research accessible and relatable so parents can use the information as they form their parenting styles and goals.

Unlocking Us podcast by Brene Brown

Brene Brown also makes research relatable. Her topics range cover many topics of mental and emotional health including shame, vulnerability, and leadership.

Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts by Karen Kleinman

This book illustrates the secret fears of new moms for both mothers and their partners so that families know they are not alone and how to reach out for help.

Joy of Missing Out by Tanya Dalton

This helps you identify what is important to you and helps you clarify your priorities as well as discover your purpost.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

Well-rested children change the world.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

I want to inspire people to prioritize sleep. I want to transform the ‘sleep when you die’ culture to that of ‘sleep now so I can truly be my best self’.

Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!

About The Interviewer: Pirie is a TedX speaker, author and a Life Empowerment Coach. She is a co-host of Own your Throne podcast, inspiring women in the 2nd chapter of their lives. With over 20 years in front of the camera, Pirie Grossman understands the power of storytelling. After success in commercials and acting. She spent 10 years reporting for E! Entertainment Television, Entertainment Tonight, also hosted ABC’s “Every Woman”. Her work off-camera capitalizes on her strength, producing, bringing people together for unique experiences. She produced a Children’s Day of Compassion during the Dalai Lama’s visit here in 2005. 10,000 children attended, sharing ideas about compassion with His Holiness. From 2006–2009, Pirie Co-chaired the Special Olympics World Winter Games, in Idaho, welcoming 3,000 athletes from over 150 countries. She founded Destiny Productions to create Wellness Festivals and is an Advisory Board member of the Sun Valley Wellness Board.In February 2017, Pirie produced, “Love is Louder”, a Brain Health Summit, bringing in Kevin Hines, noted suicide survivor to Sun Valley who spoke to school kids about suicide. Sun Valley is in the top 5% highest suicide rate per capita in the Northwest, prompting a community initiative with St. Luke’s and other stake holders, to begin healing. She lives in Sun Valley with her two children, serves on the Board of Community School. She has her Master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica and is an Executive Life Empowerment Coach, where she helps people meet their dreams and goals! The difference between a dream and a goal is that a goal is a dream with a date on it!