Julianne Williams: I Lost A Loved One To Suicide and Here Is What You Should Know
An interview with Pirie Jones Grossman
Don’t judge yourself or your life based on comparison with someone else’s. What you see on the outside may or may not be what is happening behind. They say comparison steals your joy and I am a firm believer of that. Especially with social media, we can feel we aren’t good enough, successful enough etc. In the end, you learn what matters — creating a legacy of your life that leaves something good.
Losing a loved one to suicide is a heart-wrenching experience. It can also be confusing, and it usually comes with a lot of mixed-up feelings, including anger and guilt. What are some things that family members would like other people to know about losing a loved one to suicide? As a part of this interview series, I had the distinct pleasure to interview Julianne Williams.
Julianne Williams, MPH, LNHA, Certified Grief Educator, lost her husband by suicide when she was 36 and her children were 7 and 3 years old. After leading the second largest skilled care company in the US, she bought her own company which she sold in 2022. Currently, she provides management consulting for healthcare companies, hosts her show “Step Into Your Life”, and is active in her church, Holy Trinity Armenian Apostolic Church in Fresno, Ca as well as the Armenian Relief Society Mayr Chapter.
Thank you for your bravery and strength in being so open with us. I personally understand how hard this is. Before we dive in, can you tell our readers a little bit about yourself and what you do professionally?
I was a healthcare provider for over 30 years and made the choice a few years ago to start a consulting business, launch a podcast/you tube channel, and write books.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
Yes! I have a new book, “Griefquake”, that is being published January 9, 2024 on Amazon. My goal with this book was to share a concept that might provide an anchor for emotions from and the experience of grieving.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“You can become better or bitter.”
I was so angry after my husband took his life, which effectively took the life we had planned for our family. Every dream I thought we were living was shattered. And, he had created a mess at the end of his life for me to clean up in addition to our grief and loss — financial hardship. One day, I realized I still had the rest of my life to live and I had to set an example for my children. I saw the saying above and made the decision to find the path to a better life, one I could have never imagined despite the fact that it was going to be one I didn’t plan.
Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion. Do you feel comfortable sharing with our readers about your loss?
Yes.
What was the scariest part of it? What did you think was the worst thing that could happen to you?
I was so afraid that I was not only alone, but that I would never see him again. I had been with him since I was 14 years old and he was my protector and best friend.
The worst thing was that I was going to have to raise my children on my own and I wouldn’t be a good enough Mom. And, that I would be blamed for the fact that I couldn’t save him.
How did you react in the short term?
In the short term, I was unable to eat or sleep. I lost quite a bit of weight. Most of the time I felt numb and unable to function. I tried going back to work but sometimes could only make it a few hours and would need to leave. I felt as though I was living in a nightmare.
After the dust settled, what coping mechanisms did you use?
My faith was an integral part of working through my days. I spent a lot of time praying and listening to Christian music. I also focused on my career because 1) I felt a sense of normalcy and 2) I felt successful.
Can you share with us how you were eventually able to heal, at least to some degree?
Again, my faith was number one. Finding a good therapist to help me sort through the emotions I was experiencing and reframing my thought patterns made a big difference. I had one of those therapists that didn’t really ask how things made me feel, but challenged me to think, really think, about the why’s behind my feelings and the behaviors from my sorrow.
My family and friends were solid as a rock and helped me with my children, got me out of the house for some fun stuff like concerts, and let me cry as much as I needed without judgment.
In my own grief journey, I found writing to be cathartic. Did you engage in any writing during that time, such as journaling, poetry, or writing letters? If yes, we’d love to hear about any stories or examples.
I didn’t start writing until 2020 and published my first book in 2021. And, to your point, I found the storytelling to be healing though not without the pain of re-living some of the difficult times. As a matter of fact, I had no idea that by writing I would experience such intense emotions 15 years later. However, that book took my healing to an even healthier place. Not only did I feel sadness but importantly, I was able to look back at how far I have come since the day I lost my husband.
Aside from letting go, what did you do to create an internal, emotional shift to feel better?
First, I realized it was a choice and no one could make me feel better except me.
As I said, I leaned heavily on my faith, so prayer was my “go to” when I felt that I was spiraling. Sometimes I just had to breathe and remind myself we were going to be okay. I also began running again so the time running and listening to music released a lot of stress. And, since it can be painful, getting through those miles was all my brain could process on long runs, which meant I wasn’t thinking about my grief.
Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to cope and heal? Can you share a story about that?
It was my entire family. From the unwavering support when I needed to cry, had to fight for the custody of my children, and taking care of them so I could work.
There are so many stories so I can’t tell you one so will instead give examples of how they helped me. I remember one day I had a difficult day at work with an interaction with the President of my company. My brother and sister-in law had picked up my kids that day. When I went to pick the kids up from their home, I sat in their kitchen and cried. They hugged and validated me, so I was able to get my wits back about me and finish the rest of the evening.
My Dad took my kids to their after-school sports practices and came with me to every soccer, softball, baseball and football game. He never let me sit alone and helped me cheer on the kids.
My mom, dad, and sister never let me go to a court date by myself when the kids’ other grandfather was fighting me for grandparents’ rights shortly after my husband died. And, believe me, I wasn’t always in the most stable frame of mind. Without them there, I would have been lost.
What did you learn about yourself from this very difficult experience? Can you please explain with a story or example?
That I was stronger and more resilient than I knew. I couldn’t imagine a life without my husband. The pain and grief had been crushing. And, I didn’t have the confidence to believe I could even sleep by myself let alone support and raise two children.
As time passed, day by day, I learned that I could stand on my own two feet. That my life was worth living and I was a person separate from my husband. And I found that there were parts of me I hadn’t allowed myself to explore due to the path I choose of being a young wife and mother (not so young on that). Through finding more out about myself, I have had experiences such as being a high-level executive allowing for interfacing with Speakers of the House, Governors, and others. I also met colleagues who have become life-long friends that I cherish deeply.
What did you do to get help and support for yourself?
As I said earlier, I sought out help from my family, friends, and a therapist. I learned that it was up to me to to ask for help. People wanted to help but didn’t always know how or what they could do. So I would suggest to muster up the courage to let others know what they can do to ease the pain and burden after losing a loved one to suicide. For most it is uncharted territory and there is not a lack of desire to help, but the lack of knowledge on how to help someone who is suffering, especially from loss by a suicide.
What signs would you tell parents, friends or loved ones to look for in people they think may need help?
First, always trust your instincts. I had multiple medical and mental health practitioners “shush” me and tell me I was overreacting. One psychiatric hospital even released him after I explained there were guns in our home — and I didn’t even know of all of them.
Some signs I noticed with my husband were the changes in his behavior, whether it be sleeping or eating patterns, not taking his medicine, or experiencing altercations at work.
Other times, my husband did express his feelings of hopelessness and anxiety and I would encourage you to listen carefully if those thoughts are expressed.
I didn’t see my biggest sign — that he was “fixing” all of the issues that we had been having in the months that lead to his death. I though he was healing but instead was saying his final good-byes.
Each person asks for help differently. We always know our loved ones best.
The last and most important — NOT seeing or being able to recognize the signs is not your fault. They say hindsight is 20/20. This could not be more true than when someone makes the decision to take their life.
Thank you for sharing all of this. Here is the main question of our interview. Based on your experiences and knowledge, what are five things you want people to know about losing a loved one to suicide?
Please share a story or example for each.
First, it is never your fault. I blamed myself for a long while — reliving that day, those months when he was decompensating. I was trying my best to hold it together and protect my children from the dynamics at the time. We can always look back and think there is something we could have done differently. It’s simply not true. The decision made by the person taking their life is solely theirs.
The second thing I have learned is the trauma affects your grief process. I didn’t realize the delay I had in processing my grief due to facing the shock of his sudden death and all that went with it. As I look back, in the first year I was just trying to get through my new reality of handling all the financial issues, caring for the children on my own, and taking care of my home. That took every bit of energy after trying to understand what had actually happened.
You never realize how many people are touched by the tragic loss of your loved one. My sister, Janet, and I were talking, and she reminded me how many people have been shocked, full of sorrow, or guilt over the death of my husband. And, most importantly, how many people begin to share their stories of struggle with you once your world looks familiar to them.
Don’t judge yourself or your life based on comparison with someone else’s. What you see on the outside may or may not be what is happening behind. They say comparison steals your joy and I am a firm believer of that. Especially with social media, we can feel we aren’t good enough, successful enough etc. In the end, you learn what matters — creating a legacy of your life that leaves something good.
Last, mental illness is real. It is not something someone has done wrong, asked for, or would choose. It is no different that cancer or diabetes, for example. We need better mental health services in the US. The one we have now failed my husband and family. Unless and until we normalize mental health as a physical problem, not just a social or personality problem, we will continue to lose people we love to suicide or other forms of self-medication that destroys lives.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?
To break the stigma of mental illness as weak or chosen behavior. Because of how we characterize mental health, we demonize getting help. It is embarrassing to ask for professional help or to reveal when we suffer with depression or other mental health challenges. Instead, we force people to hide and feel shame. We don’t do that with high blood pressure, knee abnormalities, etc. If I could have one thing, it would be to garner support for compassionate and science-based treatment for illness of the mind.
We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them. :-)
Wynonna Judd. There are so many reasons I would love to meet her. First, I have listened to her music for years!
Most importantly, when I learned of her mother, Naomi’s suicide, my heart hurt. And, when I was completing my certification as a grief educator, she was a guest speaker and inspired me….you can tell she is a genuine caring lady and I feel like I would be able to learn and share so much with her.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
My website is www.juliannewilliams.com.
Thank you for asking me to share my story.
Thank you so much for your courage in telling your story. We greatly appreciate your time, and we wish you only continued success and good health.
About The Interviewer: Pirie is a TedX speaker, author and a Life Empowerment Coach. She is a co-host of Own your Throne podcast, inspiring women in the 2nd chapter of their lives. With over 20 years in front of the camera, Pirie Grossman understands the power of storytelling. After success in commercials and acting. She spent 10 years reporting for E! Entertainment Television, Entertainment Tonight, also hosted ABC’s “Every Woman”. Her work off-camera capitalizes on her strength, producing, bringing people together for unique experiences. She produced a Children’s Day of Compassion during the Dalai Lama’s visit here in 2005. 10,000 children attended, sharing ideas about compassion with His Holiness. From 2006–2009, Pirie Co-chaired the Special Olympics World Winter Games, in Idaho, welcoming 3,000 athletes from over 150 countries. She founded Destiny Productions to create Wellness Festivals and is an Advisory Board member of the Sun Valley Wellness Board.In February 2017, Pirie produced, “Love is Louder”, a Brain Health Summit, bringing in Kevin Hines, noted suicide survivor to Sun Valley who spoke to school kids about suicide. Sun Valley is in the top 5% highest suicide rate per capita in the Northwest, prompting a community initiative with St. Luke’s and other stake holders, to begin healing. She lives in Sun Valley with her two children, serves on the Board of Community School. She has her Master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica and is an Executive Life Empowerment Coach, where she helps people meet their dreams and goals! The difference between a dream and a goal is that a goal is a dream with a date on it!
