Karen Seltz On How To Achieve Great Success After Recovering From An Addiction
Put yourself and your recovery first. Treat your recovery like it’s life or death, because in many cases it is! You’ve heard the analogy, put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting anyone else. If there ever was a time to be “selfish,” this is it! You are absolutely NO GOOD to anyone else when you are empty and out of balance. Your spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical health gets to be your number one priority! Check in with yourself, your sponsor, or a trusted recovery buddy before you say yes to anything. You get to learn to trust yourself again, which starts with learning when to say, “Yes” and when to say “No thank you.”
When people are trapped in a severe addiction it can feel like there is no way out and there is no hope for a better future. This is of course not true. Millions of people are in recovery from an addiction and they go on to lead successful, fulfilling and inspiring lives.
Authority Magazine started a new series about women who were able to achieve great success after recovering from an addiction. The premise of the series is to offer hope and inspiration to people who feel trapped in similar circumstances. As a part of this series we had the pleasure to interview Karen Seltz, M. Ed.
Karen Seltz has a M. Ed. in Counseling, is a Certified Life Coach, a Licensed BrainGym® Consultant, and TV host with more than 25 years combined experience. She vulnerably and humorously shares her journey from depression, sex addiction, and self-hatred to self-compassion, self-acceptance, and self-love on various print and video platforms.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to get to know you a bit more. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood “backstory”?
Thank you so much for the opportunity to share my story. My hope in sharing it is to inspire others to vulnerably share their stories, to release their guilt and shame, to know that they are worthy of sobriety, and to show them that ANYTHING and EVERYTHING is possible!
I was the youngest of three children and the only girl. Expressing emotions of any kind was not encouraged AT ALL in my home. I grew up reading the faces and emotions of my parents and brothers to see if I was safe or if I was going to get hit and changing my words and behaviors in the moment to try to stay safe.
There were many instances where my brothers physically harmed me and my parents allowed it, or at least did nothing to stop or dissuade it. I didn’t feel safe or protected at home. I learned that I had to be ready to run or fight at all times in order to survive.
School was a whole different ball game! I was very good at academics and received validation from teachers and fellow classmates for my intelligence. This was the only arena that I felt valuable. In fifth grade a group of girls, my “friends,” would fight to sit next to me. I felt loved and accepted. I found out years later that they were copying my work, which is why they wanted to sit next to me. I find that hilarious now but I’m glad I didn’t know that then!
I started to physically develop earlier than my friends and classmates, which started the boys talking about me behind my back. By high school, I had pretty large breasts and was a distance runner. Interesting combination! I grew up in a small town and rumors started flying around about me being “easy” before I had done anything beyond kissing.
When one of my good friends reported that she had sex I was scared that I would be the last one and I wanted desperately to fit in. Soon thereafter, I lost my virginity in the backseat of a car at a drive-in movie to the first boy who told me he loved me. I know, so cliché! I was distraught afterward and cried for weeks when he broke up with me a short time later.
Not long after that, I realized that my sexuality could be used for power and I did just that. I consider my younger self to be a relationship and love addict more than a sex addict. I was almost always in a relationship. However, if my boyfriend at the time didn’t show as much interest in me as I thought he should or if he didn’t like something I had done, I would panic. I felt the need to make sure somebody (a guy) thought I was okay and desirable. So when that happened, I would find someone else to make out with.
By the time I got married for the first time at 23, I had cheated, in some form or another, on every single boyfriend I had ever had because of my insecurity. Are you ready for some fun irony? My first husband did NOT want to have sex with me ever. I used that fact to justify cheating on him. We divorced after three years of marriage.
About a week after my divorce was final, I met my second husband.
Do you feel comfortable sharing with our readers how you were initially introduced to your addiction? What drew you to the addiction you had?
As a child, I only felt loved if I was doing what my parents wanted me to, which was not a regular occurrence! I learned I had value if I was pleasing them and if I wasn’t that I was unworthy, unlovable, and a nuisance. I was constantly striving to earn their love, which had me acting in all sorts of ways that were not authentic to who I really was. This hit or miss kind of love was not enough for me. This led to me continually looking outside of myself for love, acceptance, approval, and to feel like I mattered.
When I was a teenager, I discovered a new kind of “love” in the form of attention and validation from guys. I unconsciously decided that if I was desirable to a guy that I MUST BE lovable and worthy. I had found my drug of choice! At that time, I completely lacked the ability to be genuine. I was just trying to be the best girlfriend to keep that source of “love” and attention. I completely lost myself in every relationship.
I married my second husband at 29 years old. He was gorgeous, intelligent, successful, and funny. I thought I had hit the jackpot. It turns out that he was as emotionally unavailable and stunted as I was. We both took antidepressants and adderall (for ADD) and were only “happy” if everything was going well.
Ten years after getting married, my now ex husband and I had our second child. She was born prematurely with a whole host of medical issues. By the time she reached one year of age, she had 20 different medical specialists. With my limited capacity to handle anything real, I cracked under pressure before she was about to have a complicated neurosurgery. I felt like I had no control over any area of my life. My ex husband had begun abusing alcohol and I was drowning with the children.
I began seeking escape from this reality in the form of sex with other men. It didn’t take long before I was completely consumed by my desire to act out sexually. If I wasn’t doing it, I was thinking about it or planning it. It spiraled out of control quickly!
As you know, addictions are often an attempt to mask an underlying problem. In your experience, what do you think you were really masking or running from in the first place? Can you explain?
I sincerely believed at that time that I was defective, unlovable, and unworthy and that the only thing men would value me for was sex. I believed the messages that I heard from my father that women were only good for one thing and the messages from my brothers that I had better be good at sex and always say yes to it or my boyfriends/husbands would find it elsewhere or leave me.
At some point on my recovery journey, I realized that my actual survival was tied to being sexually desirable to men. I believed deeply in my core that if no man wanted me that I would be so insignificant that I would shrivel up and become smaller and smaller until I ceased to exist.
I was running from the fact that I didn’t think I mattered, that I was not enough, unworthy, and unlovable. I felt like my only value was in my looks and what I could do for a man. I was experiencing depression and felt as if I had no control over my life. I wanted desperately to escape from the reality that I had a baby that was not thriving. She was difficult, time-consuming, her prognosis scared the heck out of me, and I felt completely alone with it.
Can you share what the lowest point in your addiction and life was?
One night I returned home after leaving my young(ish) children alone for a few hours in order to act out with a man that I detested but was addicted to physically and psychologically. This man and I were philosophically opposed in every way and I had been changing myself to try to keep him as a source of sexual gratification. I will always remember catching a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror that night. I started screaming at my reflection, “Who the f*&k are you? I don’t even recognize you! What the f*&k are you doing to yourself?”
In that moment, I dropped to my knees sobbing. I called out to God/Spirit through the snot and sobs, “Please help me! I can’t do this anymore!” I instantly heard a voice say to me, “Welcome home my child. Get up. You were meant for more.” That night was July 14, 2015 and that was the very last time I acted out. I want to point out that at that point I had been attending Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) 12-Step meetings for over five years but hadn’t really been doing the work. I knew I belonged there but hadn’t been willing to stop acting out.
Was there a tipping point that made you decide that you needed to change? Can you please share the story?
Let me first tell you about some of the things that WEREN’T enough for me to stop acting out.
- I got an incurable STD and had to tell my then husband about my extracurricular activities, which was devastating for him.
- I got caught with another man in the house when my ex husband came home early one night.
- I used my best friend’s house key while she was out of town and her partner was at work to meet someone to act out. We accidentally left a condom there which she found when she returned home. This caused many issues between her and her partner until she thought to ask me if I had left it. I immediately told her the truth. She lost complete trust in me and asked for her key back. It took years to restore our friendship.
- I had suicidal ideations when one acting out partner chose to cancel one day.
- I crossed a boundary that I promised myself I never would: I was with a friend’s boyfriend.
Here’s the one that FINALLY allowed me to hit bottom. Following my divorce from my ex husband, I had three years of acting out monogamously (not cheating on my partners) but I was not free from using sex to validate my worthiness inside my relationships. After a tough breakup, I slipped into the worst spiral of my life, during which time I acted out sexuallly for 10 months. I continued to go to Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) meetings the whole time but was spiraling downward quickly..
One day, after an SAA meeting, I had lunch with my sponsor. I will never forget saying to him with a sense of utter hopelessness and despair, “I am in this addiction so deep I don’t see how I can ever get out.” This was when I was addicted to the man I mentioned above and had lost all hope. My sponsor said to me, “What do you think it’s costing you?” Without missing a beat I replied, “I don’t think it’s costing me anything.” Looking back, I can’t believe he kept a straight face! He simply looked at me compassionately and asked if I’d be willing to make a list. I agreed like a snotty, know-it-all teenager would saying, “Yeah, but it will be a short list!”
When I got home I started writing. At item #39 I wrote, “It’s costing me everything! As long as I keep acting out, I DON’T BELIEVE THAT I DESERVE ANYTHING GOOD IN MY LIFE!” That was eye opening to say the least. At the same time, I hired a new coach that said to me, “If you want anything different in your life you have to stop engaging in the addictive behavior.” I thought, “That’s so simple! Why didn’t I think of that?”
Can you tell us the story about how you were able to overcome your addiction?
The first thing I did was make a decision that I was done acting out, that no matter how uncomfortable it got, I would never devalue myself or anyone else again. I started working the 12 steps DAILY with rigor and intense honesty, I went to at least three 12-Step meetings per week, I called my sponsor and two other SAA members EVERY day, and I prayed and meditated daily. I also worked with a sobriety coach, which supported me immensely.
I continued to go to 12-step meetings and to sponsor other women in the program for the first three years of my sobriety. Then, I went through a trauma-release program that completely shifted my identity and transformed my life. I realized that if I wanted to recover from this addiction permanently, I must address and neutralize my unresolved trauma. After completing the TIPP program (The Inspired Performance Program), I went back to an SAA meeting and started to introduce myself, “Hi, I’m Karen, I’m a ……” In my head I thought, “No I’m not!” I could not even bring myself to say the words, “sex addict” to complete that sentence. That was four years ago and that was the last SAA meeting I’ve attended other than to support other women picking up their various year chips. The “addict” was completely erased from my identity and remains gone to this day.
How did you reconcile within yourself and to others the pain that addiction caused to you and them? Can you please share a story about that?
I had so much denial that continued to surface for MANY years into my sobriety. That denial served me well because I am certain I would not have been able to handle all that guilt, pain, and shame at once. Philosophically, I believe that we are all on our own perfect paths, including the people that were hurt by my actions. I believe that God/Universe/Spirit uses every single choice we make FOR us to evolve into who we came here to be.
When I look back at my life, which I have done thoroughly many times, there is only one thing I would change and that happened in high school, way before I was an addict. Every choice I have made, even the most regrettable one, has led me to a deeper sense of compassion for myself and others. This serves me extremely well in my profession as a Spiritual Coach now. There is honestly NOT a single thing someone can tell me about themselves that I think would make them unlovable. People feel that and lean into the safety that provides.
When we are faced with painful situations in our lives, such as betrayal, we have every right to feel our feelings. We do, however, get to make a choice of how long we will allow those feelings to dictate who we think we really are, what our value is, and what we are going to do with it. We can choose to remain victims or we can look for our lessons, our part (if there is one), and our hidden payoffs. Did you have a gut feeling that you ignored? Were there red flags that you chose to not pay attention to? What needs were getting met by you staying, not speaking up, not trusting yourself, etc. Did it validate a belief you have about yourself? Being a victim or a martyr is just as addictive as drugs, alcohol, and sex; it’s just more socially acceptable.
The Universe will bring ALL people, including addicts, ample opportunities to change and evolve. We are all responsible for our own lives and our own choices, which is not at all the same as being “at fault.” Nobody deserves to be cheated on! Nobody deserves to be abused. My question for you is how bad do things have to get before you are willing to make different choices? They had to get pretty bad for me!
When you stopped your addiction, what did you do to fill in all the newfound time you had?
Well, I became a full-time single parent so this was not really an issue! I took time to prioritize my recovery, my spiritual life, my daughters, and work. I had plenty of mom guilt to assuage so I dove right into being a mom that I could be proud of!
What positive habits have you incorporated into your life, post addiction, to keep you on the right path?
I have become a huge proponent and doer of Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work. I have experienced miracles and have healed my mind, body, and spirit by attending two of his Weeklong Advanced Retreats and doing his meditations daily. I practice generosity by volunteering my time and being authentic and vulnerable. I share my story on as many platforms as possible to normalize sex addiction for women, encourage others to get the help they need, and to know that recovery is 100% possible for them!
When I am feeling sad or unworthy, I drop into my heart and ask Spirit, “Who could use a pick me up or a connection right now?” I call the first person who comes into my heart and mind. This has served me and the other person every single time! What I hear most often is, “I was stuck in my stinkin’ thinkin’ brain and I was just praying for a connection. Then you called!” A few minutes into the call, we are both able to see how seriously we were taking a situation that was easily solvable and now seems laughable. We both leave the call uplifted. When in doubt, FOCUS OUT!
It is important for me to stay conscious. I check in with myself daily on how I am doing:
- Spiritually: connecting several times daily with my Higher Power, praying (talking to God/Universe/Spirit), meditating (listening to God/Universe/Spirit), reading spiritual books that resonate as truth to me (my favorite is The Way of Mastery from the Shanti Christo Foundation), sharing my gifts with others, connecting with like-minded people, doing formal meditation, land aughing
- Emotionally: engaging in loving, encouraging self-talk, saying yes to only the things that are in alignment for me, nurturing relationships that are positive and supportive, acknowledging my feelings while not allowing them to control me, choosing higher-vibration emotions, and laughing
- Intellectually: challenging my thoughts and beliefs and priming my brain with what I DO WANT to think, believe, and experience, feeding my brain a wholesome diet of truth and positivity, and laughing
- Physically: exercising, drinking enough water, eating well ( most of the time ;-) ), sleeping enough for my body, and laughing
Can you tell us a story about the success that you achieved after you began your recovery?
About three years into my sobriety I started sharing my story on podcasts and various other media platforms. People were, and still are, shocked that I speak about my addiction so openly without shame. I have since become the host of my own weekly, live TV show called Irresistible YOU: Ignite Your Passion & Purpose on Win Win Women Network where I get to inspire women around the globe to accept and love all the parts of themselves and to lighten up! I am also the owner of a successful coaching business where I teach spiritual seekers how to stop seeking and start recognizing the Divine within so they can live their purpose NOW.
Connecting the dots backward, if it weren’t for my addiction I have no idea where I’d be. I am pretty sure that I would have a mediocre life that would be very small and safe. Overcoming adversity after adversity, going from deep self-hatred to true self-acceptance and self-love is something I am so proud of. I honestly would only change one thing if I could. Every single thing, including that one, has made me either stronger, wiser, or more compassionate.
A big thing I got to let go of was the approval of others. I no longer need it. I sometimes still want it, but it doesn’t drive my behavior or choices. I am willing to give people honest, loving feedback, to say no if something is not in alignment for me with no explanation, to put my self-care first, to laugh at myself when I catch myself trying to justify judgment or being right about something, and to give myself and others grace and compassion. We are all doing the best we can! That doesn’t mean that I will cosign any B.S. from my friends or clients! I love them way too much for that!
What character traits have you transferred from your addiction to your current achievements? Please share both the positive and negative.
Persistence! When I was acting out I would never accept no for an answer. This trait serves me well in business. When I know that I can serve someone and that I am the best coach for them, I am willing to get very uncomfortable and to stand for that person to be a yes for themselves.
Unworthiness still comes up for me at times. I recognize it quickly now and am able to welcome that part of me that still feels like she needs to earn love. I have practiced loving the parts of me that don’t feel lovable. It takes work and persistence to unconditionally love yourself, or anyone else for that matter. I am living proof that it is worth it!
Confidence. When I was acting out, that was the only area of my life I felt confident in. I have practiced stretching outside my comfort zone over and over again since then. I am confident in many areas now. My intention is to be in integrity with my word 100% of the time or to renegotiate agreements BEFORE they are broken. This is the quickest way to increase self-trust, which immediately translates into more confidence. I dare you to try it!
Ok super. Here is the main question of our interview. Can you share five pieces of advice that you would give to a person who is struggling with some sort of addiction but is ashamed to speak about it or get help?
- Make a decision that you are worthy of a clean life that you are proud of. It all starts with that single moment where the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of stepping into the unknown. YOU are the ONLY ONE who can make that decision for yourself. You were created worthy. There is not a single thing you can do to make yourself any MORE worthy and, there is not a single thing you can do to make yourself any LESS worthy. You are just plain worthy… NO MATTER WHAT!
- Know that you are not ALONE. Everyone who has suffered with an addiction believes they are the only one who feels the way they feel, thinks the way they think, and acts the way they act. It is such a relief to walk into a 12-step room and hear countless others telling YOUR story. We all feel “terminally unique” until we are willing to walk through those doors. It is oddly comforting to be with others who completely get you and accept you!
- Do The Inspired Performance Program (TIPP) to remove unresolved trauma. The root of addiction is unresolved trauma. This program will heal the core wounds that are causing you to be trapped in the addiction loop. As human beings, when we are in pain, we seek comfort. That comfort may come in many forms: drinking, drugs, eating, shopping, gambling, working, working out, sex, complaining, self-beat up, etc. When we find something that lessens the pain, even for a few minutes, we are likely to repeat it. If we repeat it enough times, we program our brains and create a habit loop, which means that we have automated it and have taken choice out of the equation. This habit loop remains long after the behavior or substance works to make us feel better, which often leads to more self-beat up. When you resolve the trauma, you reset the brain. It’s like a system reboot. New neural pathways are created to support healthy, self-affirming behaviors and habits. You become a better version of yourself.
- Put yourself and your recovery first. Treat your recovery like it’s life or death, because in many cases it is! You’ve heard the analogy, put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting anyone else. If there ever was a time to be “selfish,” this is it! You are absolutely NO GOOD to anyone else when you are empty and out of balance. Your spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical health gets to be your number one priority! Check in with yourself, your sponsor, or a trusted recovery buddy before you say yes to anything. You get to learn to trust yourself again, which starts with learning when to say, “Yes” and when to say “No thank you.”
- Work with a mentor or sponsor. This is an absolute no-brainer! Isolating and depending only on yourself got you into the addiction and will keep you stuck there. You must develop the willingness to allow others to support you. If you want to recover from addiction, you also must STOP thinking that you know what’s best for you. In the 12 Step rooms, there’s a saying… “My best thinking got me here.” I’d like to add that, “What got you HERE, meaning, into the addiction, won’t get you THERE,” as in where you WANT to go! Be willing to listen to others who you want to emulate… those who you want what they have.
We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them.
It would have to be Lewis Howes! His willingness to vulnerably share his own story of abuse and the guests featured on his podcast, The School of Greatness, have inspired me for many years to share my story without shame to give others permission to share theirs and to show them what’s possible for ALL of US when we exercise the courage to do so!
How can our readers further follow your work online?
Website: https://karenseltz.com
My weekly TV show on Win Win Women Network: Irresistible YOU: Ignite Your Passion & Purpose
Download my FREE GUIDE on 20 Ways Spiritual Seekers Stop Seeking and Start Living Their Purpose.
Thank you for these fantastic insights. We greatly appreciate the time you spent on this.
