Krystle Perez of Living Life Krystle Clear On How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected

An interview with Pirie Jones Grossman

Create a space in your home where everyone comes together at least once per day. We use dinner time as a time to recap the day. Since my kids are under five we ask questions like “what made you laugh today?” and “Did you feel sad at any point today?” We also ask about friends and teachers. My kids’ eyes light up when I recall the name of a teacher or a friend that they have told me about before.

Parenting is challenging. We all try so hard to give our all to our children. We desperately want them to feel loved and connected. But somehow there is often a disconnect. Perhaps it’s a generational thing, or that we don’t seem to speak the same language as our children or just all of the “disconnection” that our kids are dealing with in today’s frenetic world. What are steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? As a part of our series about “How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected” we had the pleasure to interview Krystle Perez.

Krystle is way more than just a numbers-crunching accountant, she is a life coach. By day, she’s helping companies navigate the choppy waters of corporate finance — while in her free time, Krystle taps into her experience as a parent to two young kids (ages 4 and 3) to empower exhausted parents struggling for a balance between work and family life. She doesn’t preach perfectionism; instead, she encourages practical strategies to help frustrated parents reconnect with their children even amidst demanding workloads! Living Life Krystle Clear.

Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to get to know a bit about you. Can you tell us your “childhood backstory”?

I am a Filipino American and I grew up in East Los Angeles with my parents and two older brothers. My parents worked hard to ensure we had the best future we could. My mom worked the night shift as a nurse so she could drive us to school each day while my dad a telephone technician, worked long hours during the week so he could be with us on weekends.

Growing up in a typical immigrant household, I always felt like the bar was set unreasonably high. My mom would tell us stories about how she was top of her class and how all her siblings were extremely intelligent. I internalized that and took it as an expectation of me to follow suit as if being good in school should be easy because it’s in my blood. I didn’t know I had dyslexia, and I guess I hid it pretty well because teachers never suggested I get tested. Throughout my elementary and high school years, I felt like I was only studying just to try to keep up. I felt alone and disconnected from my mom because I felt like her approval was based on how similar I was to her.

One day, I got a D on a test and the teacher said my parent needed to sign it. I was freaking out, trying to figure out how to explain this. Who do I ask to sign it? If I went to my mom, she would be disappointed, so I chose not to tell her. I didn’t want to break or weaken any connection with her. So I went to my dad, and he did the most fantastic thing. He signed the test with no questions. He didn’t give me a lecture. He didn’t make me feel like I had disappointed him or brought shame on the family. He showed me that love is not conditional and that I don’t have to be perfect to belong in my family. I am so thankful for that connection I have with my dad because it helped balance out the weaker connection I had with my mom.

Can you share the story about what brought you to this specific point in your career?

COVID.

In January 2020, I gave birth to my son. In March, we Locked our doors, and they didn’t open for 18 months. During those 18 months, I experienced the most intense burnout of my life. I was trying to be the best mom to my 2 small kids. I thought I needed to stimulate their minds all day long. On top of that, I was feeling a massive amount of stress and pressure of having to work at full capacity at home, all to provide the quality of life I wanted for my kids. I tried to be the perfect mom, wife, employee, chef, housekeeper, and preschool teacher. Our living room looked like a Montessori daycare. I read every book on parenting and followed all the Instagram accounts of people who specialized in early child development. I was desperately looking for instructions on how to raise my kids. I didn’t realize that showing up for my kids meant I had to show up for myself first.

Through the pandemic, I did a lot of reparenting on myself through therapy and books. I put in the work to take care of my inner child who had to be perfect and didn’t feel enough. I came out on the other side with more understanding of who I am and also of what parenting is and just how important that role is. The common theme in all the parenting books was creating and repairing connections are fundamental in preparing your kids emotionally and mentally for the world. I found my passion for helping women like me, overwhelmed with raising kids and working full time. We need to find time to bring the focus back on ourselves as an individual, away from all the roles we play to serve other people. I decided to become a life coach to support moms and give them a different narrative on parenting. You can be a good parent and still put yourself first, have a successful career, and still put yourself first. I want to say bye to the idea that putting ourselves last is proof of our dedication.

Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the core of our discussion. This is probably intuitive to many, but it would be beneficial to spell it out. Based on your experience or research, can you explain to us why it is so important to forge a strong connection with our children?

Pulling from my childhood and from raising my kids today, creating strong connections with our kids gives them the space to look inward for their self-worth because they aren’t looking for external validation; they learn that love is not conditional. They learn they are loved no matter what. It provides a safe environment for them to experience every range of emotions without having to be labeled good or bad. They get to be heard and know that every part of themselves is good and accepted. Creating connection also creates stability in a child’s life because the parent becomes an anchoring point for them. This allows them the confidence to explore new things because that connection is not rooted in their parent’s expectations, it’s based on how they can create an identity that is all their own. Knowing that they will be accepted no matter what.

During the first five years of a child’s life, they are trying to understand the world around them. They are searching for what will get them the most love, protection, and sense of belonging. The more we connect with our children, the more they learn the value of themselves. As parents, we won’t always get it right, but if we need to continue to repair those connections we can model behavior that will help them in the future to create lasting relationships. Please know that creating a connection with your child is work we do every day because your child is their own person and not an extension of you.

What happens when children do not have that connection, or only have a weak connection?

A weak connection is better than no connection at all. When a child has no relationship with their parents, they tend to look for that connection anywhere else. Every child needs to know they belong and are loved, but it’s hard for them to see that when their parents or caregivers are not putting in the effort of creating that connection. It leaves them feeling sad and alone it also damages their mental development. Kids are telling us what they need every day, and the more we silence that voice, the better they get at it. The more they learn their voice doesn’t matter, the more they start to believe they don’t matter.

Again in the first five years of a child’s life, they are learning about what the world is like around them. They learn how to treat people and handle themselves in frustrating situations by seeing how we handle ourselves in the same situations. If they don’t have the skills to interact with people effectively, they are constantly in survival mode thinking the world is always against them because they don’t feel heard, safe, or loved. They don’t have a safe space to be themselves because they were never shown they were accepted as they are.

Do you think children in this generation are less likely to feel loved and connected? Why do you feel the way you do?

I believe this generation is likely to feel more loved and connected because the pandemic opened parents’ eyes to the importance of mental health for us and our kids. The movement of gentle parenting is growing every day. There is countless research supporting just how important it is to create and maintain connections with our kids. Also, more parents today are willing to break away from generational parenting cycles of using fear and intimidation just to maintain the idea of an obedient child. Many parents today are finding out they should reparent themselves to be better parents for their children. Many of us know what it was like to have weak or nonexistent connections with our parents. We know how isolating it can be. As a result, most of us have experienced depression and high levels of anxiety because we put a value on external validation. Our parents did the best with the resources they had it’s our time to do better with the resources we have today.

We live in a world with incessant demands for our time and attention. There is so much distraction and disconnection. Can you share with our readers five steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? Please include examples or stories for each, if you can.

You don’t have to do this all day long. You can start with 5 mins and work your way up to more. Every parent wants the best for their kids and for them to feel loved and supported. It’s important to remember that developing a solid connection with your children can help them navigate life’s challenges, so it’s definitely worth the effort. Here are five easy steps to help our children feel safe, secure, and part of a loving family.

1. Schedule regular one-on-one quality time together — something as simple as reading aloud or playing a game together encourages meaningful connection. In my household bedtime is the easiest way to have quality time with our kids one-on-one. We read to one kid and then switch to the other kid to tuck them in.
2. Be sure to give your children undivided attention when they’re talking — eye contact says, ‘I’m present.’ A child knows when you are not paying attention, so having them see you put your phone down and look at them is an excellent signal to them that they have my full attention.
3. Establish family routines that promote togetherness, like Sunday afternoon board games or Friday night pizza parties. I love to cook with my kids. It helps them see how valuable their role is in the family because everyone has an important role.
4. Actively listen when your child is talking, and offer supportive guidance during difficult times. Sometimes repeating what they tell you or saying something like “so what I’m hearing is”, helps them know you are really listening. For example, my daughter told me a story about how one of her friends didn’t want to play with her. I asked her, “Can I tell you what I’m hearing you say?” I repeated what she said and she really felt heard and she opened up even more.
5. Create a space in your home where everyone comes together at least once per day. We use dinner time as a time to recap the day. Since my kids are under five we ask questions like “what made you laugh today?” and “Did you feel sad at any point today?” We also ask about friends and teachers. My kids’ eyes light up when I recall the name of a teacher or a friend that they have told me about before.

How do you define a “good parent”? Can you give an example or story?

I define a good parent by how well they listen and how they apologize after making a mistake. Parenthood can sometimes feel overwhelming and unpredictable. There are already so many great parents doing their best to create a safe and loving home for their growing families. A “good parent” comes in many shapes and sizes, but ultimately it is someone with the child’s best interest in mind. Good parents show unconditional love, provide security and stability, advocate for their children, and teach essential life skills like respect and responsibility while encouraging independence as they get older. Above all else, a good parent loves their children fiercely and keeps them safe at all costs — even if that means making unpopular decisions or enduring difficult times. No parent is perfect, but by striving for unconditional love and unwavering compassion, we can all become amazing parents in our own way.

Just recently I was having dinner with my kids and I was asking about their day like we do every night. I forgot something and went to the kitchen. On my way back to the table I overheard my 4year old daughter continue the conversation with her 3year old brother asking him why his friend was crying. I was amazed and so proud of them for having this little conversation. It’s our effort and consistency to work on our connections with our kids that make good parents.

How do you inspire your child to “dream big”? Can you give an example or story?

As parents, it’s our job to encourage our children to reach for their ambitions. I inspire my kids to “dream big” by teaching them that anything is possible if you work hard. We show them examples of people who have achieved their dreams through hard work and determination, give them opportunities to explore activities and ideas, and create an environment where they can take risks without judgment. By encouraging your child’s confidence in themselves and their abilities, you give them the best chance at achieving greatness.

My family and I were watching a movie about a boy and his grandma building a spaceship. After the movie, my daughter couldn’t stop talking about spaceships or flying into space. We took that as a cue to fuel that curiosity. We got books about women in science and space. We got toys like magnet tiles that helped her see her creations come to life. We also don’t continue to focus on something when we see she has moved on to something else. We feel that gives her the freedom to discover interests and passions.

How would you define “success” when it comes to raising children?

Raising a child is more than just putting food on the table and providing a roof over their head. It’s the moments you spend together, building your relationship and growing with one another. When your child sees you in moments of triumph and failure, it teaches them to look at success not as perfection but as growth from your mistakes. True success in raising your children is exemplified by love and patience. Showing kindness and respect to every person that enters their life is key to inspiring them to make relationships based on equality and understanding. Ultimately, success when raising kids is creating an environment for them in which they feel comfortable learning about themselves, exploring the world around them, and maturing into productive citizens of our society!

This is a huge topic in itself, but it would be worthwhile to touch upon it here. What are some ideal social media and digital habits that you think parents should teach to their children?

One of the most important lessons parents can give to their children is that social media and digital use have their advantages but also carries risks. Parents should emphasize the value of establishing healthy habits for online safety and mental health, like setting appropriate limits on device usage, not sharing too much personal information online, being aware of potential cyberbullying, and ensuring their text messages are positive. Additionally, parents can explain the importance of being a good digital citizen by modeling responsible use and encouraging their children to evaluate content before they share it. Lastly, talking with kids frequently will ensure we stay up-to-date with the latest trends in internet culture while guiding them down a path of proper etiquette.

What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a better parent? Can you explain why you like them?

How to talk so little kids will listen by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish emphasize that engaged listening and meaningful conversations can foster mutual respect between adults and kids. There are tips in this book that help parents create positive interactions that encourage self-expression and help their children develop their problem-solving skills. Through practical examples, it demonstrates how adults can create a safe environment where children feel heard and respected, allowing them to become more confident in expressing themselves.

One of the many reasons why I love this parenting book is it helps parents understand why certain behaviors occur in children at specific age ranges. It explains the importance of setting limits while upholding an atmosphere of warmth and acceptance. In addition to providing helpful strategies for handling conflict resolution, it encourages readers to take into consideration each child’s unique personality when determining how best to interact with them. This resource emphasizes how important parental guidance can be for helping kids navigate through life challenges by teaching them how to think independently and problem solve effectively.

The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson is an excellent book for parents looking to provide the best environment for their children’s development. The authors provide comprehensive guidance on how to integrate a child’s physical, emotional, social, and cognitive needs in order to nurture a healthy childhood.

I love referring back to The Whole-Brain Child because of its unique approach to parenting which stresses the importance of understanding the interplay between a child’s brain development and their behavior. It covers concepts such as “Neuroception”, “Demystifying Emotions” and “Right Brain/Left Brain Integration”, and explains how these concepts influence a child’s decision-making process and why they should be taken into account when raising them.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

While getting my health and life coach certificates, my instructor said, “Trade perfection for presence.” When I heard that, it was like a light switch turned on. I always wanted to be perfect in everything that I did. During the lockdown, I didn’t want my kids to fall behind or miss a milestone, so I got all the toys, books, and games that I thought would stimulate their minds. I was so focused on what people would think if my kids didn’t know how to read by age 2. I became so stressed and unhappy. After I heard the quote it all changed. I started listening to them and just sitting with them. It’s never too late to create connections with our kids but when we focus on trying to over prepare our kids for the future we slowly chip away at their childhood. We stop them from being a kid sometimes. Now I try to be present for myself and my family every day. It has allowed me to live a richer life. I have never been happier and at ease.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

As a mom, I’m passionate about giving our kids the best chance in life. That’s why we have to reimagine how intelligence is measured and assessed — particularly for those with learning differences like dyslexia! Let’s give children more time during their early years to discover and develop key skills without feeling pressured by tests or exams. Instead, let them learn through play so they can gain essential confidence that’ll carry into adulthood, valuing creativity over conformity, uniqueness above uniformity!

Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!