Leading with Heart: Carey Flamer-Powell of Surrogacy Mentor On The Power of Authentic Women’s Leadership

An Interview With Pirie Jones Grossman

You Will Become More Resilient: You do not have to fit into a traditionally male dominated idea of what leadership looks like. Be authentically you. Your ability to stay authentic will become your “north star” throughout your career.

In today’s dynamic world, the concept of leadership is continuously evolving. While traditional leadership models have often been male-dominated, there is a growing recognition of the unique strengths and perspectives that women bring to these roles. This series aims to explore how women can become more effective leaders by authentically embracing their femininity and innate strengths, rather than conforming to traditional male leadership styles. In this series, we are talking to successful women leaders, coaches, authors, and experts who can provide insights and personal stories on how embracing their inherent feminine qualities has enhanced their leadership abilities. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Carey Flamer-Powell.

Carey Flamer-Powell, Founder and Director of Surrogacy Mentor, is an experienced gestational surrogate, surrogacy agency founder and surrogacy non-profit co-founder. She has over a decade of expertise in the surrogacy industry, and more than two decades of corporate experience leading mostly all-female teams. Carey has helped hundreds of surrogates and parents navigate their successful surrogacy journeys. She also currently serves as the co-Vice President of The Society for Ethics in Egg Donation and Surrogacy, working to create ethical standards in the fields of surrogacy and assisted reproduction.

Thank you so much for joining us in this interview series. Before we dive into our discussion about authentic, feminine leadership, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you share with us the backstory about what brought you to your specific career path?

My daughter was born via anonymous sperm donation, which was such an amazing gift. The fact that a stranger helped us have a family when we otherwise would not have been able to, inspired me to want to help another family in a similarly impactful way. When my daughter was about 18 months old, I learned about gestational surrogacy, which is when a woman carries a pregnancy for someone else, but she is not biologically related to the child. The embryo is created via IVF at a fertility clinic, using egg and sperm from either the intended parent(s), and/or donors. I knew that I loved being pregnant, but our family was complete. I realized that gestational surrogacy was the perfect way for me to give back the gift I felt we had received. In 2013, I had the honor of being a gestational surrogate for a lesbian couple. Both moms had a medical condition preventing them from being pregnant. They created their embryo at a fertility clinic with one of the mom’s eggs and a sperm donor, and then it was transferred to my uterus at the fertility clinic. Carrying their little boy for them was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life, and I am still very close with the family today. Being a surrogate inspired me to start my own surrogacy agency in 2014. My surrogacy agency went on to help hundreds of parents create their families via surrogacy, and we won the Better Business Bureau’s 2017 Torch Award for Ethics. I sold the agency in late 2020 and started my current companies, Surrogacy Mentor and Modern Parent Mentor, continuing my work in the surrogacy field.

Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started your career?

The most interesting story is perhaps also one of the saddest. My agency was working with a couple to have their first child. Their surrogate was due to give birth soon and everyone was so excited for the birth, after a very long road to have a family. Tragically, despite a very healthy pregnancy, the baby did not survive a serious birth complication. Of course, the parents and surrogate were devastated. My team and I were also devastated, but we jumped into action: making sure everyone had the support and help they needed, coordinating with the hospital and the funeral home, contacting attorneys and mental health professionals, etc. We spent days just visiting with the parents and surrogate, and crying with them. At the request of the parents, we helped arrange the funeral services, which included spreading the baby’s ashes at sea. We stayed in close contact with the parents after they returned home. They returned to our agency when they were ready to try again to have a child. I am thrilled to say that they currently have 3 beautiful children via surrogacy and I was incredibly honored to be in the delivery room when their daughter was born. I am so proud of the work my team did to support everyone through that tragedy, and that we were able to continue on to help them realize their dream of being parents. Though painful, the experience made us so much stronger as a team and as a company.

What do you think makes your company stand out? Can you share a story?

Surrogacy Mentor and Modern Parent Mentor fill two different needs in the surrogacy field: helping surrogates understand what makes a great, ethical surrogacy agency and finding the one that best suits them (Surrogacy Mentor), and mentoring intended parents through the independent surrogacy process without a traditional surrogacy agency (Modern Parent Mentor). We also help surrogacy agencies by pre-screening and educating surrogate candidates, so that by the time they get to the agency, they are truly ready to start the surrogacy process.

I am always so touched when we can help bring together a surrogate, a surrogacy agency and intended parents. Watching people come together to help create a family is the most rewarding work I can think of, and I get to do it every day!

You are a successful business leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?

1. Tenacity: never giving up, even when I was exhausted and felt like things were not going as planned. Always remembering the reason I started in the surrogacy field, and reminding myself and my team that if we just stayed true to our mission of helping to create families, everything could be figured out.
2. Transparency: I have always believed that people don’t do business with a company; they do business with people. In every communication or interaction, I try to remember that people want to know the person/people behind a business, more than what the business does. There is so much inaccurate information out there about surrogacy, with so many moving parts, and a million little bits of information that must be considered during a surrogacy journey. Staying transparent not only with parents, but also with surrogates, my team and colleagues, has helped me to form real, lasting relationships built on trust that have strengthened over the years.
3. Listening to My Gut: There have been times where no amount of strategizing or planning could solve an issue, or there were multiple paths forward that all seemed equally positive. In those moments, I have had to listen to my intuition and trust myself to move forward in a way that felt authentic to me, even if it wasn’t the most popular or obvious path. My gut hasn’t let me down yet!

Leadership often entails making difficult decisions or hard choices between two apparently good paths. Can you share a story with us about a hard decision or choice you had to make as a leader? I’m curious to understand how these challenges have shaped your leadership.

Hiring team members in the surrogacy field can be tricky, as it is such a specialized field. More often than not, those who work in this industry have previous experience as either a surrogate or an intended parent. It is such a unique field that having personal experience going through surrogacy is quite literally a job requirement. For example, our Intake Manager has been a surrogate three times. Her knowledge and experience is invaluable when she is helping new surrogate applicants learn the process of becoming a surrogate. As the founder and owner, taking extra care to be sure I am only hiring people who have a personal connection to the surrogacy experience is part of a duty I feel to my company and my field as a whole, to be sure surrogates and parents and getting the care and expertise they deserve.

Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the primary focus of our interview. Can you share a personal experience where embracing your unique leadership style, which might not align with traditional expectations, led to a significant positive impact in your organization or team?

I have always been known as a “straight shooter”: blunt, to the point, and I really hate sugar coating things. I would much rather have an honest and difficult conversation vs. a polite one that doesn’t accomplish anything. For the most part, I have found that people appreciate being told the truth, even if it stings a little. This is just a natural part of my leadership style, where my team knows where I stand and that I will always level with them, and that I expect them to do the same with me. What I have learned over the last two decades is that there are ways to be bold and direct, without being rude or overpowering. I have also learned the differences in personality types and how differently each one communicates and receives communication. That is something I wasn’t as tuned into as a young manager in my 20’s and it made leading certain personality types very difficult. Taking the time to get to know each person on my team, and learning their particular communication styles, makes all the difference in being able to lead effectively, but also authentically.

In your journey as a leader, how have you balanced demonstrating resilience, often seen as a masculine trait, with showing vulnerability, which is equally powerful, but typically feminine? Can you give an example where this balance created a meaningful difference?

Every Wednesday as a surrogacy agency owner, I would hold a team meeting, where everyone had a chance to update the rest of the team on their particular department’s progress, challenges, etc. My team was made up entirely of women, all of whom were moms to young children at home. I made it a point in each of those meetings to create a space where everyone was free to express themselves as candidly as they needed to, whether that was about a difficult surrogacy case, or maybe about a struggle one of their children at home was going through. That included myself as well. I was not afraid to express to my team if I was having a particularly challenging day (there are many of those in the surrogacy world). Some days we laughed, some days there were tears, and most days there were both! I made sure my team knew they had the space to express whatever emotions they were experiencing that day. I am not sure an all male team meeting would include passing around a box of tissues, but sometimes ours did! And ultimately it brought us closer as a team, and helped my team understand that strength sometimes means being vulnerable.

As a woman in leadership, how have you navigated and challenged gender stereotypes, especially in situations where traditional male-dominated approaches are the norm? What strategies have you employed to remain authentic to your style?

I was a manager in the corporate world early in my career, in the mid to late 90’s. This was still largely before the internet and before things like iPhones and social media. Corporate mentality and hierarchy was still very male dominated, and my blunt and strong leadership style was not well received in some circles; mostly by my male colleagues. However, what they couldn’t argue with was my work ethic and my dedication to the job. I was with the same company for 10 years and I worked as hard or harder than any man there. I started at the bottom and worked my way up to executive management. I made sure I was the hardest working person in the room, so that they could not just write me off. I stayed true to myself and built a successful career with many strong relationships. That experience gave me the foundation — and the thick skin — that I needed to start my own company several years later when I founded my surrogacy agency.

How do you utilize emotional intelligence and active listening to create an inclusive environment in your team or organization? Could you share a specific instance where these qualities particularly enhanced team dynamics or performance?”

One great thing about being in my mid 40’s is that I have learned how powerful listening is. I once read about a corporate executive who spent 100 days listening to each member of his team, and how much he learned during that time. I try daily to create an environment where my team feels comfortable voicing their concerns and feedback, and where I step back and just listen. Some days I am great at it, and some days I need to work at it. But I always notice that when I am able to take a step back and just listen, I gain so much more insight and clarity than if I am fighting to be heard.

What role has mentorship played in developing your authentic leadership style, and how do you communicate authentically to inspire and empower both your mentors and mentees?

I feel incredibly lucky to have had a mentor who made such a powerful impact on my life and career. Her name was Charise and she was my manager at a fundraising company I worked at for 10 years. When I was first hired, it was just she and I, along with a very small handful of employees. A decade later, she was the Vice President and I was the Administrative Department Head of a company that had grown to hundreds of employees and contractors nationwide. Under Charise’s leadership, despite how much we had grown as a company, it always still felt like a small family. Charise was smart, kind and intuitive about people. She had a way of getting to know people in a genuine way, and she cared deeply about everyone feeling like part of the team. Over those 10 years under her mentorship, I learned so much about leadership, building relationships and what it meant to be truly successful as a woman in business. When Charise passed away from colon cancer at the young age of 48, we’d been in each other’s lives as colleagues and eventually as close friends for over 20 years. Whenever I am faced with a challenge in my business, I take a moment to think of what Charise would say to me and how she would handle it. She left such a legacy of what true leadership should look like, and I try to live up to her example every day.

Ok super. Here is the main question of our interview. Based on your experience and research, can you please share “5 Ways Leading Authentically As A Woman Will Affect Your Leadership”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.

1 . You Will Become More Resilient: You do not have to fit into a traditionally male dominated idea of what leadership looks like. Be authentically you. Your ability to stay authentic will become your “north star” throughout your career.

2 . Stronger Connection to Your Team: Being authentically you gives your team a firm foundation and sets the stage for open, honest communication. This goes both ways, and allows you to connect on a deeper level with each member of your team.

3 . Avoid Burnout: It takes so much more work to try and put up a facade, than it does to just be you. With all of that saved energy, you can truly put your best foot forward and avoid burnout.

4 . You Give Them Permission to Fail: When your team sees you owning up to your mistakes and always striving for authenticity, it gives them the freedom to try new ideas and ways of contributing, without the fear of failure.

5 . Ability to Know When It’s Not Working: Being authentically in tune with your unique leadership style gives you the confidence to know when it’s time to pivot, and the ability to act quickly when needed. Ego takes a back seat and the result is more successful outcomes for the team as a whole.

Are there potential pitfalls or challenges associated with being an empathetic leader? How can these be addressed?

Kindness and thoughtfulness can sometimes be mistaken for weakness. You can be a very strong leader and still be willing to listen, receive feedback and admit when you are wrong. Strength and vulnerability are not mutually exclusive. In fact, they are part of a winning combination for an incredible leader. Too often in our male dominated corporate culture, we have been sold this idea that women in leadership have to be “sharks” to be respected and it’s just not true. I feel we as women need to continue setting the example of what a thoughtful and empathetic leader can be.

You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

The ability to give every adult the opportunity to take one month paid off work to focus solely on giving back to their community in some way. Not everyone has the luxury of taking time off to volunteer or share their talents with others. I have found that the greatest satisfaction in my life has come during times when I have been in the service of others, and I feel that everyone should have the opportunity to do the same.

How can our readers further follow you online?

I’d love for those interested in learning more to visit us at:

https://www.surrogacymentor.com/

https://modernparentmentor.com/

https://www.instagram.com/surrogacymentor/

https://www.instagram.com/themodernparentmentor.com

https://www.tiktok.com/@surrogacymentor

https://www.linkedin.com/in/carey-flamer-powell/

Thank you for the time you spent sharing these fantastic insights. We wish you only continued success in your great work!

About The Interviewer: Pirie is a TedX speaker, author and a Life Empowerment Coach. She is a co-host of Own your Throne podcast, inspiring women in the 2nd chapter of their lives. With over 20 years in front of the camera, Pirie Grossman understands the power of storytelling. After success in commercials and acting. She spent 10 years reporting for E! Entertainment Television, Entertainment Tonight, also hosted ABC’s “Every Woman”. Her work off-camera capitalizes on her strength, producing, bringing people together for unique experiences. She produced a Children’s Day of Compassion during the Dalai Lama’s visit here in 2005. 10,000 children attended, sharing ideas about compassion with His Holiness. From 2006–2009, Pirie Co-chaired the Special Olympics World Winter Games, in Idaho, welcoming 3,000 athletes from over 150 countries. She founded Destiny Productions to create Wellness Festivals and is an Advisory Board member of the Sun Valley Wellness Board.In February 2017, Pirie produced, “Love is Louder”, a Brain Health Summit, bringing in Kevin Hines, noted suicide survivor to Sun Valley who spoke to school kids about suicide. Sun Valley is in the top 5% highest suicide rate per capita in the Northwest, prompting a community initiative with St. Luke’s and other stake holders, to begin healing. She lives in Sun Valley with her two children, and serves on the Board of Community School. She has her Master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica and is an Executive Life Empowerment Coach, where she helps people meet their dreams and goals! The difference between a dream and a goal is that a goal is a dream with a date on it!