Lisa Curtis: 5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change
An Interview With Heidi Sander
Patience. Everything feels different after a major life challenge. Everything. Heck, brushing your teeth can feel strange. Being OK with yourself for those moments when you feel stuck or lost can make it easier. I rail against people who tell me I ‘should’ be ‘over it’ or follow their timeline for healing.
The world seems to be reeling from one crisis to another. We’ve experienced a global pandemic, economic uncertainty, political and social turmoil. Then there are personal traumas that people are dealing with, such as the loss of a loved one, health issues, unemployment, divorce or the loss of a job.
Coping with change can be traumatic as it often affects every part of our lives.
How do you deal with loss or change in your life? What coping strategies can you use? Do you ignore them and just push through, or do you use specific techniques?
In this series called “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change” we are interviewing successful people who were able to heal after a difficult life change such as the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or other personal hardships. We are also talking to Wellness experts, Therapists, and Mental Health Professionals who can share lessons from their experience and research.
As a part of this interview series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Lisa Curtis, LCSW, CASAS.
Lisa Curtis is a licensed clinical social worker and substance abuse counselor. In both her professional life as well as her personal life, she has navigated life changes and dramatic losses. Lisa is looking forward to sharing what she’s learned along the way with you. Her website can be found at https://lisacurtislcsw.com/
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?
Sure! I was raised by a single mother who taught me early that life is a constantly changing landscape, whether or not that change was sought out. There was a lot of stability in my life and that made the changes that just come along naturally, like a change in plans or getting a substitute teacher, much easier for me to manage. My mother left her first career to go back to graduate school when I was a teenager, giving me a great example of what’s possible when you seek it out.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“The only constant in life is change.” Is a life lesson quote I learned in my late teens. It is attributed to the Greek philosopher Heraclitus but I didn’t find that part until later; for years I thought it was something every parent said to their child, sort like, “did you brush your teeth?” This notion was helpful whenever I found myself in a state of change, especially one that I didn’t seek out nor even see coming.
You have been blessed with much success. In your opinion, what are the top three qualities that you possess that have helped you accomplish so much? If you can, please share a story or example for each.
You’re right, I have been blessed with much and I attribute some of that to a few qualities; tenacity, good humor and a sense of purpose.
Formal education wasn’t an environment I thrived in and I realized early on that in order to get through it you simply had to keep going through it. Not that I thought of school as hell, but I did apply the Churchill quote of, “when you find yourself in hell just keep going.” I just kept going and that worked out for me. Even now when I find a project or task more than I want to do, I just keep at it.
Life is too short not to have a sense of humor! I mean, seriously, what point does it serve to not find yourself and some of your actions funny some of the time?
And finally, I realized a long time ago that having a variety of reasons to get up in the morning, to keep you moving forward, is invaluable. It’s impossible to make one person or one thing but your everything. And it sure isn’t fun to believe that all your effort is for nothing. I love having a wide range of interests and passions that keep me engaged.
Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘Healing after Loss’. Do you feel comfortable sharing with our readers about your dramatic loss or life change?
Of course! I’ve shared this often because I think it highlights just how we often don’t see change coming, even when, perhaps to others, it clearly was. For me that was walking away from a full time ‘paycheck’ job on what started as an ordinary day, with no intention or plan for resigning when I got up that morning. Heck, I thought I’d retire from that position. But one day, after years of working for a supervisor who was out of touch, I had this moment of realizing that staying meant I’d be giving up more of my voice, more of my values than I already had. And it all came to a head in less than an hour; and less than 24 hours later I resigned. No plan. No job offer on the back burner. No trust fund to catch me.
I was mindful, even as I was walking out the door, to do what was in the best interest of my clients; I gave my month’s notice, worked with everyone to process what was next for them. But I was proud that in taking back my voice I was also able to do what was best for my clients, without the agency pressures.
What was the scariest part of that event? What did you think was the worst thing that could happen to you?
The scariest part was the unknown. How was I going to pay the mortgage that I took out 6 months ago? Would I need to sell my place and move back into a rental? I really thought the worst thing that could happen is that I’d never work again in a field I love.
How did you react in the short term?
After a couple of days of sitting in my own astonishment, I did what I’ve always done; I got myself moving in a new direction quickly. Within a week I had rented office space, told peers that I was setting up my private practice and filled out job applications for both professional work and part time retail work to cover the bills. I was also extremely grateful to have an emergency fund, which gave me the confidence to just get out there and try to create new.
After the dust settled, what coping mechanisms did you use?
I stayed busy, kept my eyes on where I wanted to go. In my downtime I was able to take a look back and recognized that this ‘sudden’ change I made hadn’t been so sudden after all. I had been, without even recognizing it, preparing for the next step for years by taking classes, and reading books and articles on how to have your own business.
Can you share with us how you were eventually able to heal and “let go” of the negative aspects of that event?
The letting go took time and what we call, “processing.” I needed to chew over what had happened, look back on the signs I had missed and allowed myself to hear and feel the validation from others that this was a good thing. The healing started to happen when I was able to live life without the stress my previous position brought me.
In my own grief journey, I found writing to be cathartic. Did you engage in any writing during that time, such as journaling, poetry, or writing letters? If yes, we’d love to hear about any stories or examples.
Writing is one of many go-to tools I use as well. I love to write letters to people who are important to me or to give a bit of encouragement to someone when they are facing a tough patch in their lives. I also find being creative to be extremely helpful in my healing process; gardening, baking, volunteering my time are all activities that help me breathe in the space and grace to move toward what’s next.
Aside from letting go, what did you do to create an internal, emotional shift to feel better?
The internal shift of letting go is so hard to do! I find it helpful to visualize the swells of the ocean; the constant change that you see out on the water. Reminding myself that one minute I might not feel great but reminding myself that the choppy waters will calm down again soon.
Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to cope and heal? Can you share a story about that?
There hasn’t been one particular person but rather a series of amazing people I’ve had in my life; my family, some people who took me under their wing when I needed it and some who don’t even know they were helpful.
I remember that one evening, just when I was wondering if I was going to be able to do this thing called ‘having a private practice’ was going to work at all; it was just one of those kinds of days when I was feeling as if no one saw me, knew that I was around…it was around 7pm and it was the still light out because it was June or July…and all of a sudden my office phone rang with the number for the security desk in the building. It was the security guard, Michael, asking if I was OK because he noticed that my last client left in a really rotten mood. I had no idea he knew who I was, what I did or that I was still in the building! In that moment, there was this sense that OK, yes, I was going to be able to do this. It’s those sorts of random encounters that have made a huge impression on me.
Were you able to eventually reframe the consequences and turn it into a positive situation? Can you explain how you did that?
Eventually, yes, I think I have reframed it all. In the long run it has become a very positive situation. Without the experience of leaving my position the way I did, I don’t know that would have ever believed myself capable of making such a profound change; I went from relying on others to totally relying on myself for financial and professional security. I’m not sure I’d recommend this method to others but for me, in the long run, it turned out for the best.
What did you learn about yourself from this very difficult experience? Can you please explain with a story or example?
While I always knew I was tenacious, I really saw myself and that quality come through on this journey. When you’re busy doing what you need to do to pay the bills, make all the pieces work, you learn quickly that we really can, as Brene Brown says, “do difficult things.”
Fantastic. Here is the main question of our interview. Based on your experiences and knowledge, what advice would you give others to help them get through a difficult life challenge? What are your “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change? Please share a story or example for each.
The 5 Things:
Time. Allowing yourself the space and grace to get through your hurt can’t be underestimated. While I moved quickly to get my practice up and running after leaving my paycheck gig, it wasn’t until nearly a year later that I was able to say, “Yes, I did this. I navigated this well.”
Good people. Having a collection of friends, family and supportive people around me allowed me to have moments of profound fear as well as longer moments of real joy and happiness for the changes.
Patience. Everything feels different after a major life challenge. Everything. Heck, brushing your teeth can feel strange. Being OK with yourself for those moments when you feel stuck or lost can make it easier. I rail against people who tell me I ‘should’ be ‘over it’ or follow their timeline for healing.
A sense of perspective. Whenever I feel like the change I’m in the middle of is awful, terrible and can’t be tolerated, I try really hard to remember where I was 5 months or 5 years ago. It helps to remember that others are struggling too; that doesn’t minimize our pain but it does help to not feel so alone.
Something to remind you that the pain won’t last. Pain is a funny thing; it changes. It can feel stinging and sharp or dull and achy. The discomfort won’t stay. That’s not to say it’s not painful when it’s painful but rather to see all the different shapes it can take on, and how those shapes become something else over time.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?
I would love to inspire others to remember that everyone has something going on for them, even when they don’t look like it on the outside. I’d love for us to be kinder and more gentle with one another.
We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them. :-)
I have been very curious about the work that MacKenzie Scott has been doing; she took, what I can only guess, was tremendous sadness and has transformed literally millions of lives with her actions. It is this kind of shift that I’d love to see for others, as well as help others do for themselves. While I may never be in the same financial position Ms. Scott is in, I’d like to believe that her vision is something we can all learn from.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
I’d welcome any continued conversation about this topic with your readers. I believe in the power of dialogue to help not only in healing but also in change. Thank you for this tremendous opportunity to spend time with you; it’s been a pleasure.
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
