Louise Braun Frank Of Joy Thru Tears Foundation: 5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change

An Interview With Heidi Sander

Give Back — Volunteer for an organization that has helped you and your family through your trauma and loss. I started volunteering for Make-A- Wish and for the local food bank. I also founded a nonprofit foundation called Joy Thru Tears Foundation in honor of the tireless care and commitment our caregivers gave to our family in our time of need. They are the silent angels who made it possible for us to live an amazing life.

The world seems to be reeling from one crisis to another. We’ve experienced a global pandemic, economic uncertainty, political and social turmoil. Then there are personal traumas that people are dealing with, such as the loss of a loved one, health issues, unemployment, divorce or the loss of a job.

Coping with change can be traumatic as it often affects every part of our lives.

How do you deal with loss or change in your life? What coping strategies can you use? Do you ignore them and just push through, or do you use specific techniques?

In this series called “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change” we are interviewing successful people who were able to heal after a difficult life change such as the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or other personal hardships. We are also talking to Wellness experts, Therapists, and Mental Health Professionals who can share lessons from their experience and research.

As a part of this interview series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Louise Braun Frank.

Louise’s book, The Gift of Great Sorrow: A Journey Thru Pain to Purpose was written in honor of her children Joshua and Leah, diagnosed at the age of 6 with a progressive terminal illness (Friedreich’s Ataxia) and who both passed away in their early twenties. In 2021, Louise founded a non-profit called Joy Thru Tears Foundation, to honor the love, dedication and tireless commitment caregivers provide to whomever they assist. Its mission is to grant a gift of a nurturing experience that will refresh and rejuvenate the selected caregivers mind, body and spirit. Louise is available for speaking engagements; visit www.joythrutears.foundation to learn more.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?

I was raised in a French-Canadian home with five siblings. My father was in the military and we moved every 2 years of our young lives. Making new friends and constantly changing my environment was not difficult for an extrovert like myself. I adapted well to our lifestyle and it cultivated a curiosity and passion for travel, adventure, and getting to know diverse cultures. I learned resilience and became self-aware at a very young age.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

I really can’t think of just one quote, but I have three that resonate for me at various times in my life, and still do.

The first quote was something my father said to me after the diagnosis of my second child, Leah. He said “watch them live… don’t watch them die.” This set in motion the way I would choose to live every day with my children and helped me reframe a tumultuous future. It continues to inspire me today.

The second quote reminds me of the importance of finding purpose in my life and helping my children find purpose in theirs. “The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

The third quote helped me, after my children passed away, to continue to seek purpose for myself rather than stay in the darkness of grief and loss. “We are not meant to stay wounded. We are supposed to move through our tragedies and challenges and help each other move through them. By remaining stuck in the power of our wounds, we block our own transformation. We overlook the greater gifts inherent in our wounds, the strength to overcome them and the lessons we receive from them. Wounds are the means through which we enter the hearts of other people. They are meant to teach us to become compassionate and wise.” Caroline Myss

You have been blessed with much success. In your opinion, what are the top three qualities that you possess that have helped you accomplish so much? If you can, please share a story or example for each.

1. Very early in my journey with my children, I learned the importance of self-care. It can come in many forms and for me it was growing a successful Pampered Chef business that gave me an opportunity for personal growth and to travel periodically for conferences and earned vacations. It also gave me financial freedom to provide well for my children after my divorce.
2. My early years living in a military family taught me to be adaptable. I learned that change is inevitable and when my children were deteriorating in their illness, I was able to adapt. Soon after my son passed away I decided to take my daughter to Hawaii for some rest and in part to get away from the sadness that surrounded us. Her wheelchair could not go on the sandy beaches so I found a place that had beach wheelchairs. As I pushed and pulled and coaxed her chair to the water’s edge, nearly tipping it over several times, I finally saw the near impossibility of the task and walked over to the lifeguard asking for help. He lifted Leah out of the chair, carried her to the water and carefully laid her down where she basked in the sun for a very long time. Defeat wasn’t an option. Finding a solution for my daughter was all that mattered whether it came from me or from outside help.
3. Being an optimist is one of the most important qualities I possess. I surround myself with positive, caring people I call my tribe. It’s not about being happy and upbeat all the time but about the choices I make looking for possibilities. I expect that everything will work out as it should and not necessarily as I want it to. It’s our expectation that everything has to be perfect to be wonderful that can lead us to disappointment. I have learned to live more in the moment, and rather than ask “why,” I ask “how.”

Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘Healing after Loss’. Do you feel comfortable sharing with our readers about your dramatic loss or life change?

Yes, absolutely. The only way I know to honor the many gifts and beautiful memories my children gave me is to share our experience with others. In this way I continue to find purpose in all that has passed.

What was the scariest part of that event? What did you think was the worst thing that could happen to you?

For 25 years my life had been consumed in every way with helping my children find purpose in theirs. After they passed away, I remember asking myself “who am I without them? What purpose do I have now?” That was the scariest part during that time. The emptiness in my heart, which is ever present, is a reminder that my purpose is to continue honoring Joshua and Leah by carrying on their legacy of love and compassion.

How did you react in the short term?

The grief I felt and the emptiness and quiet in our home was deafening. My joy was gone and I had no interest in anything. I was purposeless and couldn’t think what to do next. I just sat in the darkness for three months and could not receive comfort in any form. Within a day after they passed, I had every piece of medical equipment removed from my children’s rooms because I didn’t want to remember them as sick, I wanted to remember them only as my beautiful children.

After the dust settled, what coping mechanisms did you use?

Initially, I kept very busy with projects like renovating the kids’ wheelchair-accessible bathroom and redecorating their rooms to create a very peaceful spiritual environment. Then I began looking for opportunities to help others in need. I began to travel and walked the Camino de Santiago in Spain, alone. It allowed me the quiet I needed to feel the loss and to grieve and heal without having to stay strong for others. It was a very spiritual journey that I highly recommend.

Can you share with us how you were eventually able to heal and “let go” of the negative aspects of that event?

Walking the Camino de Santiago truly was a spiritual journey that helped me heal, and move forward. I remember deciding that I wanted my life to become a reflection of the love, courage and strength that my children showed me and gave to me when they were living. In this way, I would honor their memory.

In my own grief journey, I found writing to be cathartic. Did you engage in any writing during that time, such as journaling, poetry, or writing letters? If yes, we’d love to hear about any stories or examples.

I never considered myself a writer and did not write during those years. I did tell many stories and encouraged my friends to share stories they remembered about my children. In this way I could ensure they would never be forgotten. I often share the story of my very spiritual, simple thinking and handsome son Joshua asking his caregiver to shave off his much-loved beard. When she asked him why, he very humbly stated that he didn’t want people to mistake him for Jesus. The giggles and laughter that come when we talk about this still comforts us.

The writing of my book The Gift of Great Sorrow — A Journey thru Pain to Purpose came eight years later and became a part of my healing.

Aside from letting go, what did you do to create an internal, emotional shift to feel better?

You never completely let go of grief. It is a constant presence in my life that ebbs and flows like the tides. I’ve learned to live with it and grow by giving back to others. I volunteer for Make-A-Wish as a wish granter, volunteer at the local food bank and when invited, I speak at fundraising events for organizations such as Summit Assistance Dogs and FARA (Friedreich’s Ataxia Research Alliance). I endeavor to reach out and offer myself in any way that can be helpful to others in need.

Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to cope and heal? Can you share a story about that?

There are many people who helped me cope and heal over the years. My husband Cliff has been my rock for many years. He was not my children’s father and yet married me when my children were young and struggling. He is always there to support and encourage me and remind me that I can do anything I put my mind to. The caregivers over the years that helped with the physical and social needs of my children were essential to us living our best lives. My tribe of girlfriends allow me to care for them as much as I’ve needed them to carry and lift me up. We travel together, have local dates (always around food), do projects together and spend a lot of time laughing and having fun. They spark joy in my life.

Were you able to eventually reframe the consequences and turn it into a positive situation? Can you explain how you did that?

Yes, I was able to reframe my life by finding a renewed sense of purpose. I founded a nonprofit called Joy Thru Tears Foundation. We are passionate about honoring the love, dedication and tireless commitment caregivers provide to whomever they assist. Our mission is to grant the gift of a nurturing experience that will refresh and rejuvenate the selected caregiver’s mind, body and spirit.

What did you learn about yourself from this very difficult experience? Can you please explain with a story or example?

I learned that I am stronger than I ever believed; that I am a compassionate and caring person with a lot to offer others and that all of the experiences from my youth that I thought were tough and unfair prepared me well for the challenges I would eventually face.

Fantastic. Here is the main question of our interview. Based on your experiences and knowledge, what advice would you give others to help them get through a difficult life challenge? What are your “5 Things You Need, To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change? Please share a story or example for each.

1. Do Nothing — this may seem obvious, but initially I wanted to stay very busy to avoid the reality of my loss and not feel the deep sorrow that was swallowing me up. Give yourself permission to just sit in the darkness and feel the pain and sorrow. Be kind to yourself and practice self-care. It may be taking hot bubble baths or getting a regular massage.
2. Your tribe — when the fog begins to lift, surround yourself with your tribe — people who are kind and compassionate and care deeply for you. Those who can sit with you without trying to fix you. Start talking about your loss wherever you feel safe, perhaps join a support group where others understand your grief if that’s helpful.
3. Honor the loss — find a way to honor the loss. My son Joshua became a spiritual young man and had travelled to Israel a couple of years before he passed away. He asked if I’d go with him on his next trip there. I did a pilgrimage to honor his memory and brought his ashes back to Israel, following his path and leaving them at various places he had been. Our local community decorates a special tree every season in honor of my son, a tradition that Leah began to honor her brother after he passed away. My daughter Leah loved to travel with me and after watching a movie called The Way; she said she would love to go on the Camino de Santiago in Spain with me, in her wheelchair. My first Camino was a pilgrimage to honor and grieve for my daughter and I left her ashes at various altars along the journey. At home, my girlfriend helped me create Leah’s garden, filled with dragonflies, beautiful flowers, and ornaments that our family and friends have contributed over the years. Having annual rituals are a wonderful and uplifting way to honor my children and comfort me in my daily life.
4. Reframe your Expectations — I found myself waiting for life to return to normal. When would I feel like my old self? The truth is that nothing will ever be the same. I chose to reframe my life and re-imagine my hopes and dreams. I created a bucket list which includes travel, something I am passionate about. I travel to Europe, Asia, the Middle East, and I’ve even bungee-jumped off Victoria Falls in Zimbabwe, Africa.
5. Give Back — Volunteer for an organization that has helped you and your family through your trauma and loss. I started volunteering for Make-A- Wish and for the local food bank. I also founded a nonprofit foundation called Joy Thru Tears Foundation in honor of the tireless care and commitment our caregivers gave to our family in our time of need. They are the silent angels who made it possible for us to live an amazing life.

We have one life to live and it doesn’t honor the memory of what or who we have lost by staying stuck in our grief. My father shared seven words that became the foundation of how I would raise my children and now live my life. He said “watch them live… don’t watch them die.”

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?

Giving back is something I have found essential to making the world a better place. One small act of kindness can begin the change. I founded Joy Thru Tears Foundation as a means to do just that. This is not just an opportunity to bless and honor caregivers through granting a gift of a nurturing experience that will refresh and rejuvenate their mind, body, and spirit. It also provides an opportunity for others to join us by volunteering and using their many gifts and skills as well as helping with financial support.

We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them. :-)

There are so many people that I have great respect for, whose vision and mission align with mine. It’s difficult to pick just one but I would like to meet Melinda Gates (who happens to be in the Seattle area, as am I). Melinda and former husband Bill Gates began their foundation with the focus on impacting disadvantaged individuals in the area of health and education around the world. She has contributed in many ways to Seattle Children’s Hospital where my children received excellent care through various surgeries and other needs. I would love to meet with Melinda to discuss Joy Thru Tears Foundation with the hope of benefiting from her wisdom and guidance as we begin our mission of helping others by giving back.

How can our readers further follow your work online?

Joy Thru Tears Foundation’s website is the best way to connect with what we are doing: www.joythrutears.foundation

My book The Gift of Great Sorrow — a Journey thru Pain to Purpose is available on Amazon. I am accessible on Facebook, Instagram, and Linkedin as well.

Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!