Marielle Melling of ‘Lovin’ Life with Littles’ On How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected
An interview with Pirie Jones Grossman
Validate your child’s experience. When our kids are crying because they don’t get the pink plate or feeling angry because they got dumped, the biggest thing we can do in the moment is validate their emotion. Even if it seems illogical or like a “small thing” to us, it’s better if we don’t try to fix it or explain it away first. Rather, we can remember their personal experience is valid. We can say something like, “I see you’re feeling really angry. That’s hard.” We can listen instead of talking. Or we can simply sit with them in their hard feelings.
Parenting is challenging. We all try so hard to give our all to our children. We desperately want them to feel loved and connected. But somehow there is often a disconnect. Perhaps it’s a generational thing, or that we don’t seem to speak the same language as our children, or just all of the “disconnection” that our kids are dealing with in today’s frenetic world. What are steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? As a part of our series about “How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected” we had the pleasure to interview Marielle Melling.
As a personal and family development coach, Marielle Melling is passionate about simplifying parenting life to create more room for calm, connection, and joy. She has a degree in health education and is the founder of Lovin’ Life with Littles, the author of Peace amidst the Mayhem, and mom of five incredible kids. Start simplifying your parenting life today with Marielle’s free Simple Systems Starter Guide: 3 Steps for Creating Time-Saving Home Systems that Work.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to get to know a bit about you. Can you tell us your “childhood backstory”?
My earliest memories are pulling weeds in our family garden and riding on my dad’s shoulders. The memories continue from there, building on what was a family theme: work hard, play hard. Family time was a priority for my parents when I was growing up. They intentionally created opportunities for us six kids to build strong relationships with each other and our extended family. From little things like cheering on siblings in their sporting events, nightly family prayer, and playing cards during a fishing trip with my grandparents, to bigger things like traveling to a family reunion or going on vacation, I received a legacy of faith and family. It’s experiencing first-hand the fun and benefits of close family relationships that made me want to bring that same thing to my kids and help other families develop it too.
When I was a teenager, my mom invited me to write down one way I wanted to parent the same as her and one way I wanted to parent differently. That’s a very simple example of how my parents never assumed they parented perfectly, although I think they did a great job. My parents encouraged us to keep learning and build on what previous generations had given us.
Can you share the story about what brought you to this specific point in your career?
During one of the craziest times of my life, I worked four part-time jobs and was involved with a volunteer organization. My husband was working absurd hours away from home for our family, so the house and meals were on me. Most importantly, we had four and then five young kids. Beyond sheer busyness, we faced other challenges as well. Yes, it was insane. But during this time, I had two important realizations.
One, I realized that somehow in all that chaos, I was at peace. I loved my life.
The habits, systems, and mindsets I had been taught and developed worked. Particular routines kept me centered and saved me time. I laughed often and found joy, even amidst my tears. After wondering if I could be all my family needed me to be, I knew I couldn’t do everything. I often dropped the ball and made mistakes, but I had learned how to decide what mattered most. I was confident I could do that and let go of the rest.
And two, I realized my desire was to help other people find calm, confidence, and joy in their chaos.
So, I started paying attention to what made the biggest differences in my life. I started researching why those things worked and finding answers to questions outside my current scope. And I started sharing what I was learning. That was the birth of my book, Peace amidst the Mayhem, and my business, Lovin’ Life with Littles. Today I write, coach, teach courses, speak, run events, and get to connect with some of the best humans in the world.
Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the core of our discussion. This is probably intuitive to many, but it would be beneficial to spell it out. Based on your experience or research, can you explain to us why it is so important to forge a strong connection with our children?
That’s a great question, and the longest running study on adult development and happiness has collected an incredible amount of data to help us answer it. One of the directors of this Harvard study summed up the results pretty well when he said, “Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.” What more do any of us parents want for our kids than health and happiness?
Other research points to the same thing. Job satisfaction, socioeconomic status, genetics, all those things make a difference, but none as big a difference as having strong bonds.
When we form a strong connection with our children, we’re providing their number one need for health and happiness. We’re also helping them learn how to build good relationships, so they can have them throughout their lives. Another important benefit of that strong relationship is it creates the ideal learning environment for the brain. So, as our kids are developing and trying to learn everything from how to read and share to how to do calculus and handle hard emotions, a foundation of a strong parental connection is ideal.
What happens when children do not have that connection, or only have a weak connection?
One consequence of a weak parent-child connection is stress. Emotional isolation (which sometimes includes physical isolation) is stressful for the human brain. As humans, we’re intrinsically a social species. We need each other to survive. There’s a reason that solitary confinement is one of the worst punishments we’ve come up with, and it wreaks havoc to people’s mental health. So, a lacking parental connection increases stress. While we need some stress in life, the effects of long-term stress can be catastrophic.
There are many other negative consequences from a weak or nonexistent parental connection, but I think another one of the biggest ones is compensation. Meaning, because our kids need connection, they’re going to look for it other places if they don’t get it from us. At a young age, they may act out in attempt to get our attention. As they get older, our kids may look for that connection in social media, peer-approval seeking behaviors, or unhealthy relationships.
Now, it doesn’t have to be the parent that provides the connection. So, if you didn’t have that growing up or you know kids who are in a tough home life, it’s not a dooming life sentence. Healthy connections can come from anywhere, but as the parents, we have a unique opportunity to provide that for our kids.
Do you think children in this generation are less likely to feel loved and connected? Why do you feel the way you do?
I haven’t seen any reliable data that compares past generations to ours, and every generation is going to have some families thriving and others struggling when it comes to relationships. However, I think there are definitely cultural shifts that influence parent-child connection.
Compared to the time when the norm was families living and working together even intergenerationally, our current lifestyle tends to fracture families and communities more. The ever-present technology is also a huge distraction from forming strong relationships, as is the typical pace of life. Some kids are missing out on building key social skills because of too much screen time or a use of phones and texting, rather than face to face interaction. There’s also strong research linking adolescent mental health concerns with social media use.
That being said, I’m blessed to be in a space where I get to see a lot of people parenting differently than they were parented. I’m seeing a cultural shift away from the harsher, more authoritarian parenting style that was more common in past generations towards a parenting style that favors connection. Information is so much more accessible today about what strong connection really looks like and why it’s so important. This is a huge advantage for parents who are intentional and willing to do the work.
We live in a world with incessant demands for our time and attention. There is so much distraction and disconnection. Can you share with our readers 5 steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? Please include examples or stories for each, if you can.
1. Validate your child’s experience.
When our kids are crying because they don’t get the pink plate or feeling angry because they got dumped, the biggest thing we can do in the moment is validate their emotion. Even if it seems illogical or like a “small thing” to us, it’s better if we don’t try to fix it or explain it away first. Rather, we can remember their personal experience is valid. We can say something like, “I see you’re feeling really angry. That’s hard.” We can listen instead of talking. Or we can simply sit with them in their hard feelings.
When we do that, it soothes their emotions and then, if needed, we can go on to have more “logical” conversations. Connect, then direct. Validation lets our kids know we’re there for them in all their emotions. It helps our kids know we are an emotionally safe place for them. This safety goes a long way in helping them feel loved and connected.
2. Simplify so you can prioritize one-on-one time.
One-on-one time between a parent and child is helpful for kids of all ages, even if it’s simply ten minutes a day. It helps our kids feel seen and known as an individual. One-on-one time assures children their parent has time for them; quality time feels like love and safety. It helps parents understand their kids better. Plus, it’s fun. In our busy world, it’s nice to have some time where we ignore all distractions and get to only focus on one thing, our child.
However, in the real world it’s often difficult to find that one-on-one time. Here are several examples of ways parents have prioritized one-on-one time:
- Cancel one ongoing commitment. Use that time for one-on-one connection.
- Declutter (less stuff means less time cleaning) and get the kids on board with helping to clean up the house. In the evening work together for 15 minutes to do the dinner dishes, spiffy up the house, and do other tasks that would take an hour to do on your own. Use the saved time to have ten minutes of one-on-one time with kids before bed.
- When dropping a teenager off at an activity, silence the phones and chat.
- The date of the kid’s birthday is put on the calendar each month for some one-on-one time. For example, if my child was born June 18th, there’d be about an hour of one-on-one time on the 18th of every month. This is put on the calendar and treated like an appointment.
- Do you spend more than ten minutes a day online? If so, consider how you could shift and give that time to your kids first. Unsubscribe from email lists or unfollow on social media people who are no longer serving you to help make that happen.
3. Decide right now how you want to respond when your child messes up.
One family had guidelines about how tablets were to be used. The mom told me what happened when her son messed up. Her son came to her and told her he hadn’t followed the family rules and had done some inappropriate things online. Inside the mom was surprised, but she took a breath, stayed calm, and thanked him for being honest. They went on to have a conversation about what happened, why, what the son was worried about, and what they could do to solve the issue. The boy opened up, and the mom learned about things going on in his life that she had no idea about. By the end of the conversation, they had both cried. They ended in a hug. The mom said, “If I had yelled at him or followed my first thought to slap down harsher restrictions than before, we never would have had that bonding conversation. Yes, consequences came, but it felt so different. My son knew I cared about him, even though he messed up.”
Our kids will continue to mess up all life long (just like us), whether it’s taking the marker to the brand-new couch, wrecking the car, or calling you names while slamming the door. Sometimes it’s triggering as parents when our kids make mistakes. Maybe we feel afraid of what could happen or hurt because we taught them differently. We might feel embarrassed that our kid would do such a thing or angry about the problem their action caused. All those emotions are normal. However, if we decide right now how we want to respond when our child messes up, and then practice that response, it’s going to come much easier in the moment. We can be intentional about turning mistakes into opportunities for connection.
So maybe you’re going to decide right now that when your kid messes up, you’re going to take a big, deep breath and stay calm. You’re going to give them a hug and let them know you’re on their team. Consequences of mistakes are real. Rather than swooping in and fixing the problem for your child or abandoning them in their moment of need, show you have confidence in your child’s abilities by working together to solve the problem. Consider asking how they want you to help.
Research shows we form strong bonds during challenging times; we find who we can trust. During our children’s challenging times that feel like mistakes and failures, we can show we’re there for them. How we respond when our kids make mistakes says a lot about the future relationship we’ll have with them.
4. Find peace with your own imperfection.
We teach what we are. Therefore, one of the most profound ways to teach our kids to feel loved and connected is to feel loved and connected ourselves. This takes us being vulnerable. It means we’re willing to apologize to our kids when we make mistakes. It means we share our whole selves with our partner or friends, and we let our kids see what that looks like. Share your own challenging, imperfect experiences with your kids and how people helped and supported you through those times.
5. Laugh together.
One afternoon, I picked up my kids from school. A massive rainstorm had ended earlier that day, leaving a muddy pond three inches deep surrounding their playground. We were all chatting as we got into the van, and one of the kids said, “Mom, I dare you to roll in that muddy puddle.”
I caught my kiddo’s eye in the rearview mirror and said, “Okay.”
My kids’ eyes got big as they looked at each other. They all started laughing as we climbed back out of the van.
Over to the playground we walked, and into the puddle I went.
Some of the kids joined me, and we shivered at the cold, ugh-ed at the mud, and laughed together. I recently asked one of my kids if he remembered when we rolled in the puddle. He laughed and told me some of the details. That was over five years ago.
You don’t have to roll in muddy puddles, but you can if you want. You also don’t have to plan expensive parties or epic vacations; although, again, you can if you want. The key is to find ways to simply have fun together.
Don’t get so busy doing or analyzing how to be the perfect parent that you forget to just be. Enjoy the simple moments hanging out with your kids, soaking up their personality, and enjoying one another’s company. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Instead, be quick to laugh. Laughter releases chemicals that increase bonding and tells the brain, “I like this person.” Schedule fun, and take advantage of spontaneous opportunities to say yes. Be the kind of person your kid wants to be around because you want to be around you too. Laugh together.
How do you define a “good parent”? Can you give an example or story?
One example of a good parent is a woman I’ll call Lisa. When Lisa became pregnant it was a complete surprise. She thought (mostly hoped) it was a faulty pregnancy test and went to the doctor. When the nurse confirmed the pregnancy, she saw the shock in Lisa’s face. “Is this a good thing or a bad thing?” the nurse asked.
“I don’t know,” Lisa responded honestly.
Over the next couple weeks, Lisa decided it was a good thing. As she felt her baby move and rearranged her life to become a parent, she decided it was a very good thing. Lisa got a better job. She gave up drinking and vaping and finally got herself into much-needed therapy because she knew she wanted to be the healthiest, happiest person she could be for her child.
When that baby was born, Lisa’s world shifted.
Lisa was not raised with an ideal home life. Lisa is not a perfect parent, none of us are. But to me, Lisa is a good parent because she’s showing up for her son. Lisa loves her son and, importantly, is willing to make changes to ensure he knows it.
There are so many ways to be a good parent, but for me, the underlying commonality is that good parents love their kids and are committed to continually learning and growing to better meet their children’s needs.
How do you inspire your child to “dream big”? Can you give an example or story?
One of my kids had to do a school report with wide-open parameters. My child told me about it, and then went on to explain elaborate ideas and big plans. I thought, “What about a poster?” That wouldn’t take so much time, expense, or my help. Gratefully, I bit my tongue. Weeks later, the project was complete. It took more time, expense, and my help than a poster, but it was so much cooler. And most importantly, my child was excited about it and proud of the result.
This is a small, simple example, but I’ve seen that a lot of children naturally dream big. They want to be star athletes, invent, create, and naturally think every child on the playground is their best friend. Many parents can do a lot of good by simply biting their tongue, asking about that big idea, smiling, and letting the kid go for it. Insecurities, unkindness, or reality often crush those dreams and expectations. Some of that is the normal developmental process, and it’s okay. Dreams are reborn as identity is solidified. All the things we’ve been talking about will also help our kids dream big. When they feel loved and connected, they’re more likely to see their dreams as worthwhile and have the confidence to go after them.
How would you define “success” when it comes to raising children?
My goal in parenting is to help my kids feel known and loved and to teach them the skills they’ll need to lead a happy, productive life. However, there are no guarantees when it comes to raising children. We can do everything according to the best research and love unconditionally, and our kids will still make their own choices.
So, I choose to define success by what I can control, me. Success is measured by how I show up. We’re all going to mess up. But we also all know what it feels like to be intentional rather than apathetic or going with the flow. Success is working to be intentional, to be humble, to keep learning, to apologize, and to love unconditionally, even when parenting is hard.
This is a huge topic in itself, but it would be worthwhile to touch upon it here. What are some ideal social media and digital habits that you think parents should teach to their children?
This is a huge topic; I agree! I think the digital habits we ought to teach are the same ones we ought to be living as parents. One is to be intentional with how much time we spend on screens. For me, that usually looks like deciding beforehand and setting a timer. Tech companies are really good at their job of sucking us in and holding our attention.
Another habit is to be intentional with when we’re online. A friend is a caterer. I remember her telling me how common it was for her to be working an event and see everyone on their phones. Here they had traveled to a Caribbean destination, were gathered for a big event, and were too busy on their phones (presumably telling other people about their good time) to actually enjoy having a good time. I’m a big fan of screen-free meals and teaching the courtesy of not letting a device get between you and the person you’re with face to face. Devices can wait.
Another important lesson is devices can be a tool for connection and creation or distraction and destruction. We get to choose how we use them. We can set an example and have conversations to help our kids learn these lessons. For example, we can facetime grandparents and show our kids a post that inspires us. We can talk about the temptation to check in on the phone all day and what we do to limit that. We can have conversations about online bullying and ask our kids how they can be a part of uplifting others.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a better parent? Can you explain why you like them?
There are so many incredible resources available for parents right now, whatever stage you’re in. Here are four of the many I recommend.
The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. This book does an excellent job explaining how parents can connect with kids and boost healthy development in everyday parenting moments.
Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne. Through research and poignant examples, Kim shows how we benefit our kids when we simplify their lives. It’s not just about simplifying the pile of toys in the playroom. It’s about simplifying everything from their space to their schedules to the information we expose them to.
Parenting our Future podcast with Robbin McManne. I love Robin’s energy and perspective. She also has great guests and covers a wide range of important parenting topics.
Joyful Courage Parenting Podcast with Casey O’Roarty. This is a podcast for parents of teens focused on connection, conscious parenting, and personal development. Casey is super relatable and lands awesome guests. When you listen, you won’t feel judged. You’ll feel inspired to go a bit deeper into your own parenting.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
One of my favorite quotes comes from a TED Talk by Brené Brown. In it, she said, “There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they’re worthy of love and belonging. That’s it. They believe they’re worthy.”
I love this quote because I think we all want to feel loved and feel like we belong, and this quote shows it’s possible for all of us. Any of us can choose to believe we’re worthy of love and belonging. Then we can find evidence and work on our self-talk and do the other things to live that belief. My belief that I’m worthy of love and belonging comes from my family, relationship with God, and experiences. It’s a big part of who I am and how I choose to live.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
The movement would be “Be known. Be loved.” It would make a huge difference in the world if we could each feel safe being known completely with our quirks, mistakes, fears, strengths, bold goals, and all. Then feel unconditionally loved. I think this happens through both the way we show up with vulnerability and the communities we build. This way of being known and loved supports us in stepping into who we really want to be. I’m doing a lot of work right now to create this kind of movement in my own home and in my online community.
Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!
Thanks for letting me contribute! This is such an important conversation, and I’m grateful to be a part of it.
About The Interviewer: Pirie is a TedX speaker, author and a Life Empowerment Coach. She is a co-host of Own your Throne podcast, inspiring women in the 2nd chapter of their lives. With over 20 years in front of the camera, Pirie Grossman understands the power of storytelling. After success in commercials and acting. She spent 10 years reporting for E! Entertainment Television, Entertainment Tonight, also hosted ABC’s “Every Woman”. Her work off-camera capitalizes on her strength, producing, bringing people together for unique experiences. She produced a Children’s Day of Compassion during the Dalai Lama’s visit here in 2005. 10,000 children attended, sharing ideas about compassion with His Holiness. From 2006–2009, Pirie Co-chaired the Special Olympics World Winter Games, in Idaho, welcoming 3,000 athletes from over 150 countries. She founded Destiny Productions to create Wellness Festivals and is an Advisory Board member of the Sun Valley Wellness Board.In February 2017, Pirie produced, “Love is Louder”, a Brain Health Summit, bringing in Kevin Hines, noted suicide survivor to Sun Valley who spoke to school kids about suicide. Sun Valley is in the top 5% highest suicide rate per capita in the Northwest, prompting a community initiative with St. Luke’s and other stake holders, to begin healing. She lives in Sun Valley with her two children, serves on the Board of Community School. She has her Master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica and is an Executive Life Empowerment Coach, where she helps people meet their dreams and goals! The difference between a dream and a goal is that a goal is a dream with a date on it!
