Marisa Hohaia Of Break Up With Busy: How I Am Redefining Success Now

An Interview with Karen Mangia

Break up with busy: Not only is this the name of my business, but it is a way of life. Make the active decision to choose tasks, responsibilities, and priorities with intention, rather than to seek external validation. Actively book both the things you HAVE to do to be “successful” by traditional measures AND things you enjoy doing that provide a deeper sense of meaning into your calendar. Make space for and commit to both!

Have you ever noticed how often we equate success with more? Whether that’s more products, more profits, more activities or more accomplishments, we buy into the belief that we have to do more to have more to be more. And that will sum up to success. And then along comes The Great Resignation. Where employees are signaling that the “more” that’s being offered — even more pay, more perks, and more PTO — isn’t summing up to success for them. We visited with leaders who are redefining what success means now. Their answers might surprise you.

As a part of this series I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Marisa Hohaia.

Marisa Hohaia is the Anti-Hustle Coach and a mother of two. As the Founder + CEO of Break Up with Busy, she helps high-achieving women fed up with the soul-sucking daily grind, learn how to create + attract + manifest what they really want — more joy, money, fulfillment, and time — with less stress, hustle, and self-sacrifice. Prior to answering her calling as a coach, Marisa spent a decade as a top executive in global recruiting, working with Fortune 500 and high-growth startups including West Elm, Nestle, DHL and Heinz. She holds a Bachelor’s + Masters in psychology and is certified in life coaching, emotional intelligence, reiki + spiritual coaching.

Thank you for making time to visit with us about the topic of our time. Our readers would like to get to know you a bit better. Can you please tell us about one or two life experiences that most shaped who you are today?

When I think about pivotal moments that have impacted my definition of success, there are two that come to mind. The first is when I finally returned to full-time work after taking a few years off to have kids. The second is a personal story about my time married to a professional rugby player. It turns out that neither a top performing executive recruiting role, nor athlete wife status fulfilled me. While seemingly successful, I had lost myself bit by bit.

It was 2015 and I had just returned to work after taking a few years off to have kids and living overseas in support of my husband’s rugby career. My husband at the time experienced a sudden career ending injury that thrust him into a career transition overnight. At the same time, we had just received an autism diagnosis for our oldest 3 year old son, and had a one year old in the picture as well.

With so many moving parts, I found myself adapting to a new, intense job while navigating autism and acting as a 360 degree support system for my then-husband and my two boys. I dove hard and fast into work, and by all measures I was succeeding: impressive deals, good money, and supporting my family while clocking in 60 hour weeks.

It was 8pm on a Tuesday night, and I was multitasking yet again: I had two kids in the bath, one hand shampooing their hair and the other hand toggling between mute and unmute on my phone, negotiating a high level deal with a candidate for a contract.

I closed the deal, the kids were clean; it was technically a success. But I found myself asking ‘but at what price?’ Rather than being fully present while my kids were in the bath, I was hushing their laughter so that I could half-show up for a work meeting. It didn’t feel like a success at all. I knew at this moment I was going to have to rework some priorities.

Going back to before my kids were born, I somewhat accidentally ended up in the limelight. I was living in New Zealand and fell in love with a professional rugby player. It was what many would consider a dream: a successful, well-known professional athlete who falls in love with an American expat. He was the boost of self-confidence I didn’t know that I needed at the time; I was blown away that someone of “that status” would choose me. I was swept up into a new world: Women’s Day editorial pieces complete with professional photoshoots and interviews featuring my glossy photos and seemingly perfect life. Our engagement, wedding photos, and even both of our children’s birth stories made it into the press.

It was surreal and exciting until it wasn’t. I realized that I was feeling more and more distanced from myself. I had willingly given up my career to support my husband’s aspirations, start a family, and live adventurously, and I participated in sharing our intimate family moments in national and international news outlets. I had chosen this life; I said ‘yes’ to the editorials, the identity, the attention, because I said ‘yes’ to him and I accepted it was all part of the gig. It reached a point, though, where I became so disconnected from myself, that I was simply going through the motions, and grappling with who I was beyond his legacy and my responsibilities as a mom.

When I look back at both of these seemingly mundane but pivotal moments, I know that they were key in changing the trajectory of my life’s work. Deep feelings of detachment haunted me in the background while I prepped for photo shoots and celebrated someone else’s wins; feeling that I had nothing of my own to honor. Guilt and remorse set in during critical moments with my kids while I was preoccupied with work. It was in these moments that I realized my understanding of success was twisted. I needed to start looking within and really redefine what success meant to me, to my family, and to my purpose.

We all have myths and misconceptions about success. What are some myths or misconceptions that you used to believe?

A lot of things are done for money. I don’t necessarily mean “we need to save ‘x’ dollars in order to reach ‘y’ goal”. Rather, certain decisions that may have otherwise not been made, are made for the sheer sake of having more money. Frankly, any decision that is made purely as a function on the amount of money at stake is a terrible idea.

There’s a misconception that you can’t have both money and fulfillment at the same time. Our society teaches us that money leads us to fulfillment. No money, no fulfillment. On the flip side, if you are truly and simply fulfilled, it is because you have no money and have strayed entirely from the materialism of the modern world. That is simply not the case! It is possible to have both money and fulfillment. The equilibrium of seeking fulfillment that expands beyond dollar signs and checking accounts, is the true way in which fulfillment is reached, while money remains a neutral, but important aspect of life.

There is also a deep misunderstanding surrounding how we conceptualize success. I used to believe that success was having the biggest following, the highest title, the boldest presence, or being on the biggest stages. Though, it’s more about impact and alignment. It is more important to have the biggest impact in a small way, or with a small number of people than to have the largest following that you are disconnected from.

Success is also not merely tied to your career, or the only way to garner respect. There is an unspoken belief that the more successful you are, the more people will respect and like you. The truth is that you can’t please everyone, and it’s unlikely that everyone will automatically respect you. Furthermore, the more successful you are, the more people have to say about it; good or bad. If you’re chasing success to prove something to someone, you’re never going to find it.

How has your definition of success changed?

I care less about what the outside world thinks or feels about my career, my life choices, my way of being. I care way more about how I feel and the life that I create for myself and my family. Now, success is being the best person that I can be. Coming back to the truth of who I am, and owning it.

At this stage of my life, I am more concerned with creating a meaningful life in my soul, than trying to build a perfect, shiny resume. I want to understand and deliver on what I am here to do in this world. Success for me now means serving other people and creating a legacy of impact instead of a legacy of titles and material things or notoriety.

As a mother, I am dedicated to raising good humans. Resilient kids who are equipped to love and express themselves, who care about their family, neighbors and friends, and find their own unique ways to impact the world big or small. To me, being a good parent, or mentor to the future generations, means also healing your trauma so that you are making the world a better place for the next generation. Doing right by your lineage and what you’re passing on to those you come after you.

One of the hardest things in life for us to do is be ourselves. In my opinion, the measure of a life well-lived is how authentically you can be yourself. If you can really get to the point where you are truly and unapologetically yourself, then that is the highest level of success that you can attain.

The pandemic, in many ways, was a time of collective self-reflection. What changes do you believe we need to make as a society to access success post pandemic?

The pandemic brought to light an old but strongly held misconception that success only happens when people are in the office, that people must be micromanaged. This outdated understanding means that people should come to work, park themselves at their desks, regardless of personal lives, or what is happening in the world. It means that people should show up, shut up, and perform.

The pandemic made us realize that it’s not possible, it’s not healthy, and it’s not sustainable for people to be so deeply enmeshed with their work, at the expense of their humanness, their passions, and their personal lives. We have to transition from this mindset, to make room for people to nurture their whole selves. Humans crave meaning and support and modern day organizations need to learn to treat employees as individuals, not robots.

Post pandemic we need to make space for people to be themselves and get their needs met at work. Organizations need to place more of an emphasis on giving employees more than a decent salary in order to attract and retain the best people. I’ve seen first hand in my recruiting role that employees are starting to change their definitions of success. They now ask more from their employers. They no longer want to just show up, clock in, and execute a plan. Now, employees value other intangibles like contributing to the vision, being heard, and feeling valued above 401k and healthcare plans. People are making real decisions based on how they feel. Placing value on, “does this feel like a good move for me? Is it in alignment?” They want to know, “can I bring my dog?” “what if I meditate midday?” They want to know if there is room for them to show up as themselves at work.

What do you see as the unexpected positives in the pandemic? We would love to hear a few of your stories or examples.

The pandemic forced us to slow down. We suddenly had emotional, physical, and mental space to actually reflect and take stock of what was happening both externally and internally. In this reflection period, people had the unique opportunity to process, analyze, and re-imagine what they wanted, what they valued, and what they could live without. It was as if the universe suspended time in order for us to get the clarity we never had the time to explore within us when we were caught up in the hustle and grind of keeping up, accumulating titles, impressing others, and paying bills.

I think the pandemic helped us access new levels of empathy and compassion for others that although distant socially, brought us closer as a collective. For once, we were all facing the same challenge and threat of mortality, which is humbling and universal. I believe it helped us recognize our oneness beyond the things that make us different and stretched the depths of our empathy muscles.

I think the threat of death, whether it be a loved one or ourselves, allowed us to let go of some of the baggage weighing us down in our personal lives, release resentment, and embrace forgiveness, not knowing if any day might be our last.

We’re all looking for answers about how to be successful now. Could you please share “5 Ways To Redefine Success Now?”

Return to your inner voice, higher self, and step into purpose and truth to find the elusive satisfaction you seek. It’s not outside you, it’s within you.

1. Lean into the intangibles: We are chronically unsatisfied because of our limited definition of success. In this post-Covid world, we have realized that living a successful life is more about the intangibles (joy, peace, fun, love, purpose) than the titles on our resumes. Consider defining a successful day as one that lifts your spirit, sparks inspiration, and/or delivers joy. Make some of those activities like walking your dog, running, yoga, sitting down for a meal with your family, be your definition of a successful day.
2. Break up with busy: Not only is this the name of my business, but it is a way of life. Make the active decision to choose tasks, responsibilities, and priorities with intention, rather than to seek external validation. Actively book both the things you HAVE to do to be “successful” by traditional measures AND things you enjoy doing that provide a deeper sense of meaning into your calendar. Make space for and commit to both!
3. Learn to go within: To successfully live an aligned and meaningful life, we have to be in touch with our truth, our own voice, our own opinion, beneath the external voices and pressures of society. Carve out the time to meditate, walk, breathe, even take a hot shower… anything that will quiet your brain for long enough to disrupt unhelpful inner chatter and allow your intuition to come through. When you’re in touch with what really matters to you deep within, you can discover new, powerful, aligned measures of success that have nothing to do with small boxes or the constraints of outside opinion.
4. Detach from old identities: We have all created certain identities to fit in, be loved, and feel worthy, it’s human nature. These identities, while they may help us reach a certain level of external success, will only lead us to internal conflict and confusion. Spend some time reflecting on “who do I want to become,” “what stories would I need to let go of and what qualities would I need to embody to become that version of myself?” Focus on letting go of doing and thinking, instead reflect in terms of being.
5. Return to your purpose: Feeling that you’re living out your unique purpose is the greatest measure of success in life. You can start to uncover your purpose and get curious about stepping into it by taking stock of all the things you’ve overcome and what you’ve learned from it. Identifying a common thread and considering how you might be able to start helping others through the same thing and seek out small ways to start doing that online or in your community. Maybe you start a Facebook group or you join an in-person support community. Maybe you mentor someone at work.

How would our lives improve if we changed our definition of success?

It would be a hell of a lot easier to feel fulfilled if we allowed ourselves to understand success beyond material or monetary gain. The elusive goal that everyone craves is to feel whole. If we let go of our narrow understanding of success, that would be much easier to attain. It would also be much easier to be happy, to experience joy, and enjoy the special moments life has to offer.

When we let go of a closed-minded definition of success, our lives become a lot more simple. When you’re tapped into what truly makes you feel good, you cut out all the other noise and stop wasting energy on things that realistically don’t matter to you. You’re able to take back your power, set yourself free, and make a more aligned impact. Not to mention you’ll sleep better, eat better, and exist better!

If everyone were dedicated to what they felt called to do, and we’re passionate about it, the world would simply be a better place. Every single person wants to feel like they matter. That is the ultimate goal and meaning of success. We want to feel that we’re contributing something (big or small) that feels important. If you can contribute your gift to the world, that’s a life well lived.

What’s the biggest obstacle that stands in the way of our redefined success? And what advice would you offer about overcoming those obstacles?

The biggest obstacle standing in the way, is placing more value on outside voices and what other people think, than our own. Getting caught up in what other people think or say, or value, or expect. When we’re busy and we don’t take the time to stop and connect with ourselves, we get swept up in the current of outside voices and we subconsciously revert to hustle culture.

In order to overcome this, take the time to go within and connect with your intuition. Stop oversharing with everyone. It’s ok to keep some things to yourself. Surround yourself with people who care about the same things, who encourage you to step into your own truth. Heal your limited beliefs, to understand the thoughts that are programmed into your subconscious so that you can overcome them. Your worst critic lives between your ears. Give you the power to beat your own worst enemy (yourself) and get out of your own way.

Where do you go to look for inspiration and information about how to redefine success?

First and foremost, I look within before asking around or noticing what others are doing and saying. I meditate and I allow my intuition and the universe to guide me toward my own answers. For instance, my understanding of what it means to live a successful life and how that looks in practice is something I have cultivated within, something I never would have done in the past; I always sought external validation.

For additional inspiration, I look to others who are leading conversations around merging our inner worlds with our outer worlds like Lewis Howes’ School of Greatness and Oprah’s Super Soul Podcast. Less obvious answers, Paulo Coehlo. His book The Alchemist is one of my favorites of all time and I’ve heard him speak on a few podcasts. Paulo Coehlo is deeply profound and spiritual and a phenomenal storyteller who has lived a super interesting and diverse life.

We are very blessed that some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He, she or they might just see this if we tag them.

As cliche as it may be, Oprah. I love how she struggled and hustled and fought her way to “success” only to realize much like myself that it’s the spiritual connection we have with the universe and ourselves that cultivates the greatest fulfillment that takes us to even higher levels of material success. She started her podcast to spread that message and awaken others to their inner power.

How can our readers further follow your work online?

Instagram @breakupwithbusy.com, Insert LinkedIn URL, and breakupwithbusy.com

Thank you for these fantastic insights. We greatly appreciate the time you spent on this. We wish you continued success and good health.

About The Interviewer: Karen Mangia is one of the most sought-after keynote speakers in the world, sharing her thought leadership with over 10,000 organizations during the course of her career. As Vice President of Customer and Market Insights at Salesforce, she helps individuals and organizations define, design and deliver the future. Discover her proven strategies to access your own success in her fourth book Success from Anywhere and by connecting with her on LinkedIn and Twitter.