Mark Merrill of Family First On How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected
An interview with Pirie Jones Grossman
Time. Not just any old time. Kids need quantity over quality. The greatest present a father can give his child is to BE present, doing what they want to do. If you have more than one child, carve out time to hang out one-on-one with each of them.
Parenting is challenging. We all try so hard to give our all to our children. We desperately want them to feel loved and connected. But somehow there is often a disconnect. Perhaps it’s a generational thing, or that we don’t seem to speak the same language as our children, or just all of the “disconnection” that our kids are dealing with in today’s frenetic world. What are steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? As a part of our series about “How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected” we had the pleasure to interview Mark Merrill.
Mark Merrill is the founder and president of Family First, Inc., a national non-profit organization that provides programs and online resources dedicated to helping people love their families well. Partnering with Tony Dungy in 1997, then Head Coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, they launched All Pro Dad to encourage father involvement, followed by iMOM in 2007 to support mothers. Family First’s outreach now spans decades, reaching millions annually through articles, videos, podcasts, school programs and stadium events. Mark is a respected author on marriage and parenting, sharing his insights through major media outlets and speaking engagements.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to get to know a bit about you. Can you tell us your “childhood backstory”?
I was born and raised in Sarasota, Florida. I was so fortunate to grow up in a family with loving parents who instilled a lot of awesome character qualities in myself and my two brothers. My family is still close to this day. My dad taught me the importance of perseverance and hard work. Those lessons have stuck with me for all of my life. Growing up, I spent a lot of time outdoors camping and fishing. Those trips gave me some of my best memories with my dad. My mom taught us the importance of putting family first, but above that, putting our faith first and keeping God at the center of all we do.
Can you share the story about what brought you to this specific point in your career?
I graduated from the University of Florida and practiced law for seven years. My dad and brothers were also attorneys. Despite enjoying that career, I felt like there was something more for me. I married Susan in 1989, and shortly after we become parents an opportunity came along to help jumpstart a family-centered nonprofit in Tampa. We were drawn to it because we both wanted to be great parents and had friends with that same desire. I thought I’d help with some of the legal work here and there to get it going but, after a lot of reflection and prayer, I felt like leading the organization was best for my family. So, we launched Family First in 1991 and it’s grown into a national nonprofit organization touching millions of lives each year.
Let’s now jump to the core of our discussion. This is probably intuitive to many, but it would be beneficial to spell it out. Based on your experience or research, can you explain to us why it is so important to forge a strong connection with our children?
It’s really my vision for every child to know the love of a mom and a dad and to be engaged in the life of their child. Every child is looking for a hero to lead them. I think dads should be that hero. Having an involved, caring dad fulfills the longing of every child. Statistically, kids flourish more when they have an active father or father-figure present in their lives.
What happens when children do not have that connection, or only have a weak connection?
When children don’t have that positive connection, what I like to call their “guide by their side,” to walk with them on their journey, to show them what it means to be a woman or what it means to be a man, it leads to struggles. We’ve found a boatload of studies and research that show children who don’t have a father-figure are much more likely to live in poverty, be incarcerated, do poorly in school, drop out, and the list goes on. The opposite is more often than not true when they do have an active parent. Connection to Dad brings stability. It provides a solid foundation. That doesn’t mean kids lacking a dad WILL struggle, but data suggests it’s true.
Do you think children in this generation are less likely to feel loved and connected? Why do you feel the way you do?
That’s a difficult one to answer. We are far more transitory than ever before. We’re always on the go and easily distracted. It’s true that we have never been more technologically connected and yet we are incredibly disconnected relationally. That’s terrible for children. Dads throughout world history were often pulled away from their kids out of necessity, because of wars or other obligations. That wasn’t always by choice. Now, we see many dads choose not to be involved. Something like 40% of kids are born out of wedlock. That choice leads kids to feel disconnected.
We live in a world with incessant demands for our time and attention. There is so much distraction and disconnection. Can you share with our readers 5 steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? Please include examples or stories for each, if you can.
Time. Not just any old time. Kids need quantity over quality. The greatest present a father can give his child is to BE present, doing what they want to do. If you have more than one child, carve out time to hang out one-on-one with each of them.
Be an example for them to follow. Our decisions are in plain view to our kids. Live with integrity. They will notice.
Listen actively. I have five children and when they were little, I would get down on my knees, on their level, so they knew I was listening. Ask your kids open-ended questions, listen, then ask another.
Affection. Make a habit of saying, “I love you no matter what” so they know your love is unconditional. Show them how you feel about them through words, hugs and actions.
Have fun together. Find out what they like to do and do that, not necessarily what you like to do.
How do you define a “good parent”? Can you give an example or story?
Our kids must know that no matter what, we are there for them and will work through any of life’s challenges together. I tell my kids all the time, “There is nothing you can do to separate you from my love.” I mean it. Good parents always tell their children the truth. They give to their child selflessly and sacrificially. They help them understand their immeasurable value, that they’re valuable for who they are not just what they do.
How do you inspire your child to “dream big”? Can you give an example or story?
There is a misconception that you can do anything you want to do or be anything you want to be in life. With all due respect to my children, I don’t believe any of them would have made it in the NBA. We have to see the God-given gifts each kid has and then encourage them to dream big in the area of their gifting. If she is gifted in the arts, with something like dancing, take your daughter to a ballet and encourage her in that direction. Don’t force your kids in YOUR direction but THEIRS. Dream big with them. One of my sons loved numbers from an early age just like his grandfather, so we steered him toward investing. He loves it, not because we love it but because we encouraged him in the area of his gifting.
How would you define “success” when it comes to raising children?
Life is about relationships. I would hope that my wife and I have built a deep connection with our kids that would last our entire lives. I pray that each of them would desire to be with us and for us to be with them. I want relationships that will stand the test of time and overcome the storms of life.
This is a huge topic in itself, but it would be worthwhile to touch upon it here. What are some ideal social media and digital habits that you think parents should teach to their children?
For me, it’s important to wait to allow them to have a cell phone or use social media. Put it off as long as you can. Just because their friends have them doesn’t mean that’s right for you and your family. Think it through. It’s easier to delay than take it away.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a better parent? Can you explain why you like them?
There’s one book — the Bible. As for podcasts, I’d say the All Pro Dad podcast.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
I’d love to see a national fatherhood movement where every child would know the love of a dad.
Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!
About The Interviewer: Pirie is a TedX speaker, author and a Life Empowerment Coach. She is a co-host of Own your Throne podcast, inspiring women in the 2nd chapter of their lives. With over 20 years in front of the camera, Pirie Grossman understands the power of storytelling. After success in commercials and acting. She spent 10 years reporting for E! Entertainment Television, Entertainment Tonight, also hosted ABC’s “Every Woman”. Her work off-camera capitalizes on her strength, producing, bringing people together for unique experiences. She produced a Children’s Day of Compassion during the Dalai Lama’s visit here in 2005. 10,000 children attended, sharing ideas about compassion with His Holiness. From 2006–2009, Pirie Co-chaired the Special Olympics World Winter Games, in Idaho, welcoming 3,000 athletes from over 150 countries. She founded Destiny Productions to create Wellness Festivals and is an Advisory Board member of the Sun Valley Wellness Board.In February 2017, Pirie produced, “Love is Louder”, a Brain Health Summit, bringing in Kevin Hines, noted suicide survivor to Sun Valley who spoke to school kids about suicide. Sun Valley is in the top 5% highest suicide rate per capita in the Northwest, prompting a community initiative with St. Luke’s and other stake holders, to begin healing. She lives in Sun Valley with her two children, serves on the Board of Community School. She has her Master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica and is an Executive Life Empowerment Coach, where she helps people meet their dreams and goals! The difference between a dream and a goal is that a goal is a dream with a date on it!
