Melissa Bennett-Heinz of Gestalt Therapy On How We Can Solve The Loneliness Epidemic Among Young People

An interview with Pirie Jones Grossman

Give Back. Many communities are hurting right now. Offer to help someone else out whether it be a neighbor, a person you see in need at the grocery store, or volunteer your time at a soup kitchen, shelter, or local community cetner and lend a hand. Acts of service not only unite people together, they will help shift the focus away from yourself, away from feeling isolated, help to alleviate depressive symptoms, and provide a sense of pride and self-worth.

Our youth are facing a loneliness epidemic like never before. They have “social” media, but many are lacking healthy social lives. Many have likes and virtual “friends” but not real live friends. They can text and tweet but not speak and listen and connect. And they are feeling it. Humans were made for real live interaction, and we crave it when we don’t get it, or don’t even know how to go about looking for connection. How can we solve this loneliness epidemic that young people face? As a part of our interview series about the ‘5 Things We Can Each Do Help Solve The Loneliness Epidemic Among Young People ’ we had the pleasure to interview Melissa Bennett-Heinz.

Melissa Bennett-Heinz obtained her master’s degree in clinical social work from Columbia University (Class of 2002) and is a graduate of Gestalt Associates for Psychotherapy in New York City, NY (Class of 2011). She is a licensed clinical social worker and certified Gestalt Psychotherapist in private practice in the states of New York, Texas, Washington and North Carolina and has over 20 years of specialized training and experience in the treatment of addiction, PTSD, sexual trauma, childhood abuse, chronic mental illness, and mood and anxiety disorders. In her practice today, Melissa specializes in treating adult men and women, group and individuals, who appear to be fine on the outside, doing well even, but underneath are secretly miserable, struggle with perfectionism, codependency, and putting themselves first.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you share your “backstory” with us? What was it that led you to your eventual career choice?

I grew up in a family of classical musicians, the youngest of four kids. I attended the Manhattan School of Music in New York City, with the goal of winning a principal oboe position with a symphony orchestra. Just prior to my college graduation, my mother passed away suddenly. A year later, while pursuing my graduate degree at MSM, I lost a dear loved one to suicide, and my father died a short time later. I had struggled for many years with episodes of depression and anxiety, feeling quite isolated, and I carried a sense of deep shame. Just before the death of my mom, I began seeing a therapist for the first time. Over a period of 10 years, I tried working with several therapists with varied expertise (psychodynamic, CBT, DBT, eclectic), but they never seemed to help. I wasn’t happier. Life wasn’t easier. I felt disconnected, lost, lonely, and filled with shame. I went through more than a decade of therapy and not much changed in my life. It was when I discovered Gestalt therapy that things shifted.

Alongside my love of music, helping others and being of service had been lifelong interests, so I pursued a second master’s degree in social work from Columbia University. Yet it wasn’t until I completed graduate school that I was introduced to the Gestalt method by my first clinical supervisor, who used the approach to guide the way she lived her life and our work together. That’s when I consider Gestalt Psychotherapy to have found me. I went on to complete the clinical fellowship program and certification at Gestalt Associates for Psychotherapy in New York.

Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started your career?

I have had so many interesting experiences since I began my career filled with ups, downs, joys, and sorrows. The pandemic has perhaps been the most overall “interesting” experience at it was the beginning of a trajectory of change in my life and my work. As I was simultaneously experiencing the state of the world’s health crisis alongside my patients, there was also continuing to emerge, a mental health epidemic and rates of anxiety, depression, and substance dependence were soaring higher than ever. As a therapist, I was having to hold space for my patients going through this terrifying time while experiencing a parallel process to them in my own life. Overnight, my practice shifted from in office face to face sessions to telehealth sessions. I didn’t know at that time telehealth would become the majority of the way I practice. I had to learn new laws, regulations, and a new way to practice Gestalt therapy which is a somatic therapy based in the present moment, grounded in the relationship being central to the modality. I also relocated during the height of the pandemic to a rural community across the country from where I was living — another new way of existing — and I am still learning and becoming accustomed to. The impact of the pandemic has required me to change the business structure in my practice as well to be able to reach a larger range of people. I am continually learning, making changes, and growing as a result.

It has been said that sometimes our mistakes can be our greatest teachers. Can you share a story about the most humorous mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson or takeaway you learned from that?

I laugh as I recall a memory from over ten years ago when I learned about the “reply all” button in email. At that time, I was working in the health insurance side of healthcare. I was responding to a corporate email that came from a higher up at a very poorly managed company, morale at this company was at an all-time low where the environment was quite toxic. The email was stating how much the company cared about their employees, or something to that effect, and it was so obvious to most who employees were taken advantage of and mistreated. Well, I hit “Reply All” when I was trying to forward it to a friend so we could “rant” and commiserate. Well, you can imagine how that turned out! Luckily, it was not a too hard of a lesson as I didn’t say anything too awful, just used some sarcasm, so the consequences weren’t all that grave. I am now super careful every single time I get an email that is addressed to multiple people. I was really quite embarrassed and am so grateful it wasn’t worse than it could have been.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?

I am currently working on teaching workshops in collaboration with the Gestalt therapy community and training institute where I reside, Appalachian Gestalt Therapy Institute. I am bringing my passion for Gestalt therapy and fusing it with the business of operating a private practice for therapists. A giant part of what was missing from my education was how to run and take care of my own private practice and business while putting my needs first. My profession taught me that there are beliefs attached to charging for what our service is worth, and that you need to sacrifice your own well-being in order to help others. I know that this is the opposite of a healthy relationship to working and ultimately not good modeling for our patients or future generations of therapists. Whether you work for someone else or are in business for yourself, you must put your needs first in order to survive in this field for any length of time. Therapists are leaving the field in droves due to burn out, I believe which has been exacerbated by the pressures of the pandemic put on us to care for other’s mental wellbeing, while not being supported in our own. I am hoping to educate therapists, normalize some of their experiences, and challenge some of the toxic beliefs of the healthcare industry to assist other therapists in knowing what their service is worth, be able to ask for what they need unapologetically, to be able to understand what is informing choices around fees and practice policies, and ways in which this directly impacts the clinical work we are doing with our patients. I want therapists to be able to bring more of their whole selves to the therapy room and not some fragmented, burned-out version of themselves.

Can you share with our readers a bit about why you are an authority on the topic of ‘The Loneliness Epidemic Among Young People’?

Being someone who connects on a personal level with this topic, I have also seen over the past twenty years of my career in working with younger people, loneliness is not just on the rise, but it has reached unprecedented numbers. Almost every young person I treat in my practice reports feelings of “loneliness” as a presenting problem, feeling disconnected from others, and are uncertain as to where and how they belong. I am seeing much higher rates of anxiety among my patients which has become not just common, but normal. Rates of substance abuse, substance dependence, suicidal ideation, and autoimmune disorders and other illness effects most everyone I see in my practice. I have done considerable reading of studies on social isolation and loneliness and results are just now becoming available. The toll of the pandemic, coupled with social isolation and technology, is ravaging younger people. Though it is still too early to see with certainty the long-term effects, it is not looking good. Rates of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse/dependence, suicide rates, and obesity have all increased and are at a nationwide all-time high.

Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the main focus of our interview. According to this story in the New York Times, loneliness is becoming an increasing health threat not just in the US, but across the world. Can you articulate for our readers 3 reasons why being lonely and isolated can harm one’s health?

Let’s first begin by defining what these words actually mean: Loneliness is the feeling of being alone, regardless of the amount of social contact. Social isolation is a lack of social connection to other people. Social isolation can lead to loneliness in some people, while others can feel lonely without actually being socially isolated. According to the National Academy of Sciences, three risks to our health as a result of social isolation and loneliness:

• Social isolation significantly increased a person’s risk of premature death from all causes, a risk that may rival those of smoking, obesity, and physical inactivity.
• Social isolation was associated with about a 50% increased risk of dementia and poor social relationships (characterized by social isolation or loneliness) and was associated with a 29% increased risk of heart disease and a 32% increased risk of stroke.
• Loneliness was associated with higher rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide.

Based on your experience or research, are children impacted differently than adults by the loneliness epidemic? How?

Children are more vulnerable and highly affected by loneliness and isolation than fully formed adults, and are impacted quite differently. Long-term effects of social isolation and loneliness have not been researched adequately enough for us to know exactly how severe and what the damage is on young children. We do know that psychosocial deprivation has effects on the brain, which effect the psychosocial development of children. Interactions with peer groups are imperative in developing identity support in the early developmental stages of a young person’s life. Social isolation throughout the early developmental stages is believed to be a key contributor in contributing to higher levels of negative emotional states and higher rates of worry, anger, anxiety, fear, guilt, jealousy, envy, frustration, depressed mood, and loneliness. Research indicates that social isolation negatively impacts not only physiological functioning of the body but also the development of the nervous system’s support cells, which, in turn, impacts the development of cognitive functioning. In younger children of preschool age, social isolation puts them at a deficit in developing social skills from interacting with their peers, problem-solving, and behavioral expectations. Also significantly impacted are pre-teen and adolescent aged folks. Mature enough to comprehend more fully the consequences of their actions, in addition to needing more social interaction, they stand to be more impacted without social interactions. When socially isolated, external motivation provided by social events such as team sports and social activities, which are important components of defining their sense of self, they may struggle to adjust to social life. In the process they may experience symptoms of depression and anxiety. Unless addressed, these can affect their long-term functioning. When a person is not able to sufficiently interact with others, the results in experiencing social isolation can lead to loneliness. Healthy social relationships are vital to the maintenance of health, and their deprivation often results in feelings of loneliness. Loneliness is also linked to people experiencing higher levels of stress and while stress hormones are meant to be protective, the chronic and long-term release of these hormones cannot be maintained indefinitely without ill effects on a human body. Releasing these hormones without respite will eventually put a strain on the body’s system with negative consequences. It has been demonstrated that when the human body is stuck in this active stress response over an extended period of time, we are at higher risk of developing high blood pressure, heart disease, autoimmune disorders, certain cancers, cognitive deterioration, and death. These physiological consequences of experiencing stress over time as a result of being denied social interaction, rarely appear in childhood, but are typically experienced later in adulthood. Therefore, these increased levels of stress will not only threaten a child who is socially isolated earlier in life, but later in adulthood, as well.

On a broader societal level, in which way is loneliness among our youth harming our communities and society?

Our communities are being ravaged by the loneliness epidemic. It is important to acknowledge that feelings of social cohesiveness, mutual respect and trust within one’s community and among different parts of society, are all crucial to overall well-being. This is especially true at a time of great social polarization exacerbated by contentious politics and fear evoking television news and social media. For the first time in the United States, life expectancy is declining, while the numbers of “deaths of despair,” which are deaths that result from suicide, drugs and alcohol abuse, are on the rise. The chances of dying from an opioid overdose or suicide are now higher than dying in a car accident while rates of depression and anxiety have risen to 61% among people ages 18–25.

The irony of having a loneliness epidemic is glaring. We are living in a time where more people are connected to each other than ever before in history. Our technology has the power to connect billions of people in one network, in a way that was never possible. Yet despite this, so many people are lonely. Why is this? Can you share 3 of the main reasons why our young people are facing a loneliness epidemic today? Please give a story or an example for each.

Well, we are connected in a disconnected way. What connects most younger people is social media — Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Snapchat and Instagram. However, what most people don’t understand is that this “connection” is all done by a computer, an algorithm designed to use YOU as the product. It is important to bear in mind that the goal behind these apps is to keep you engaged and watching more advertisements so they can make a profit. Every single action you take on these social media apps is carefully monitored and recorded — exactly which images you stop and look at and for how long you look at them. It is not designed to connect you to others and build contact-full and meaningful relationships, it is by design using human beings to make a monetary profit. Additionally, it is important to know that social media apps and websites are designed to be addictive. Though originally created to bring joy to our lives and others, the number of “likes” or followers is now a symbol of popularity and encourages young adults to photoshop their bodies or perform life-endangering stunts to get more likes than their peers. The addictive quality of getting “likes” and followers is similar to that of taking a drug, both of which release dopamine in the brain, and will have users doing whatever it takes to get more. With addiction, comes shame, isolation and only compounds loneliness.

What signs would you tell parents, friends, or loved ones to look for in young people they think may need help? Can you please explain?

If you think someone is suffering from social isolation and loneliness, some signs to look for are feelings of depression and anxiety, aggressive or acting out behaviors, passive attitude, apathy, poor sleep or over-sleeping, altered memory or decline with cognitive functioning, poor self-care or self-neglect, loss of interest in things once enjoyed, increased emotional difficulties, and/or changes in appetite or weight.

Ok. It is not enough to talk about problems without offering possible solutions. In your experience, what are the “5 Things Each Of Us Can Do To Help Solve The Loneliness Epidemic Among Young People?” Please give a story or an example for each.

1. Get involved. Interact in person in the community, social groups, clubs, or any other activity that puts you in front of others in real time.
2. Take a break from the computer, phone, and tablet. You don’t have to completely shut down, but takes breaks, leave your phone in a separate room when you go to sleep or are at the dinner table. Take a weekend off from social media and unplug.
3. Give Back. Many communities are hurting right now. Offer to help someone else out whether it be a neighbor, a person you see in need at the grocery store, or volunteer your time at a soup kitchen, shelter, or local community cetner and lend a hand. Acts of service not only unite people together, they will help shift the focus away from yourself, away from feeling isolated, help to alleviate depressive symptoms, and provide a sense of pride and self-worth.
4. Exercise. Get outdoors and take a walk with a friend, form a walking club, or join a team sport. Movement and being outdoors will improve your overall mood, shift dopamine and stress hormone levels to a more normal states and reduce depressive and anxiety symptoms. It will also help improve cognitive functioning and overall health.
5. Journal. Grab a spiral notebook, it doesn’t have to be anything expensive or fancy, pick up a pen and write. Journaling has been described as one of the more effective acts of self-care, can help to increase positivity in your life and relieve stress by practicing more gratitude or gaining more self-awareness about your thought patterns.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

I would like to inspire a movement of courage and bravery in relationships to one another in the world, a place designed to build connection between people. I myself felt lonely and isolated for too many years, stuck in my own fear, isolation, and shame. I hear so many of my patient’s express feelings of loneliness and isolation and I wish I could introduce my patients to each other. What is missing and what has been accentuated with what technology has brought to our lives is connection. We have lost the ability to be present with each other. From sharing such a space or being with another person emerges the possibility of empathy, understanding, and connection — the opposite of loneliness and isolation. In this space, people would take the time to hear another’s story, see another human’s eyes, take in body language and notice facial gestures, and stay present in the moment, together. From experiences and connection such as these, people would begin to imagine and remember that while we each have different stories, we experience similar feelings, and, as a result, we would potentially diminish feelings of loneliness and isolation. We would return to a place of togetherness, a sense of community, a feeling that we are not alone, but rather, there is solidarity and unity.

We are blessed that some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them :-)

Right now, it would be Brene Brown — she has been unapologetically brave in sharing her own story, telling so many other’s stories, and has inspired and changed an entire generation by building connection and lifting the veil of shame. Brene single handedly changed so much about the way I live, work, and love.

How can our readers further follow your work online?

I would love for anyone to visit my website: www.melissabennettheinz.com. I also have two social media accounts: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melissa-bennett-heinz-149807a/b https://facebook.com/melissa.bennettheinz

Thank you so much for these insights. This was so inspiring, and so important!

About The Interviewer: Pirie is a TedX speaker, author and a Life Empowerment Coach. She is a co-host of Own your Throne podcast, inspiring women in the 2nd chapter of their lives. With over 20 years in front of the camera, Pirie Grossman understands the power of storytelling. After success in commercials and acting. She spent 10 years reporting for E! Entertainment Television, Entertainment Tonight, also hosted ABC’s “Every Woman”. Her work off-camera capitalizes on her strength, producing, bringing people together for unique experiences. She produced a Children’s Day of Compassion during the Dalai Lama’s visit here in 2005. 10,000 children attended, sharing ideas about compassion with His Holiness. From 2006–2009, Pirie Co-chaired the Special Olympics World Winter Games, in Idaho, welcoming 3,000 athletes from over 150 countries. She founded Destiny Productions to create Wellness Festivals and is an Advisory Board member of the Sun Valley Wellness Board.In February 2017, Pirie produced, “Love is Louder”, a Brain Health Summit, bringing in Kevin Hines, noted suicide survivor to Sun Valley who spoke to school kids about suicide. Sun Valley is in the top 5% highest suicide rate per capita in the Northwest, prompting a community initiative with St. Luke’s and other stake holders, to begin healing. She lives in Sun Valley with her two children, serves on the Board of Community School. She has her Master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica and is an Executive Life Empowerment Coach, where she helps people meet their dreams and goals! The difference between a dream and a goal is that a goal is a dream with a date on it!